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04/01 Direct Link
My lawyer has justified her existence by fiddling a little with the separation agreement, and honestly both my ex and I had agreed on everything, itís just our lawyers who were still fiddling with it. We ourselves have decided not to give each other trouble. Last week, it finally happened. My lawyer sent the amended document over to his lawyer, and the next thing I know, I get the following email titled ĎSeparation Agreement Newsí, on Monday April 11 at 2:45pm:

ďI am writing to advise that I have received an email from G's office,
04/02 Direct Link
ďI am writing to advise that I have received an email from Mr. G's office, stating that your husband has signed the amended Separation Agreement. They are sending the copies via courier to my office tomorrow. Would you like to meet at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow? That way, we can be sure that the copies will be in my hands.Ē

Although I had been expecting this email, I felt as if the ground might as well have swallowed me whole when it came. It was the realization that this dreaded moment is finally here, and that it
04/03 Direct Link
It was the realization that this dreaded moment is finally here, and that it is more painful and intense than I had ever thought. I was about to fly to Toronto that night, and would see her at 4:45pm to sign the document. I imagined my husbandís hand, diligently signing 4 copies of the same document, and what must have gone through his mind. My heart reached out for him and for his pain, and suddently I felt guilt and terribleness at causing him this. I did also vaguely remember my own unhappiness and the fact that my
04/04 Direct Link
I did also vaguely remember my own unhappiness and the fact that my mother once mentioned that my grandfather wrote in his will, that it's ok to be selfish, that in fact the pursuit of happiness is the highest order of things, and that it should be done. But that thought was a minor counterpoint to this intense pain and heaviness in my chest, and my concern for my husband.

I had started dating a few people through a dating website. In fact, I had gone on that website as as soon as I understood that I was leaving.
04/05 Direct Link
It was out there to make me feel as if there might be hope for me in remarrying and hopefully raising a family some day, and having a happy and warm home with kids and a garden and everything I had wanted. But first, I knew, there was the dating to do, and the sorting out of the men, and I wanted to find out if there were any in fact out there. I discovered that there were, and it actually helped cement my decision to divorce. It was the feeling that there was still a chance for happiness in
04/06 Direct Link
It was the feeling that there was still a chance for happiness in my life as I had wanted it. My husband, though, said once, in one of our arguments, that I am leaving him, a real thing, for something that may or may not happen. It made me feel a bit ridiculous, thoughtless, selfish. But yet it has not swayed me from knowing deep inside that there is something very fundamental missing for me in this relationship.

Mr. #1 was a guy who had contacted me through the website. He seemed cute in his photos and sorrounded
04/07 Direct Link
He seemed cute in his photos and surrounded by kids. He worked for a high-tech firm and even played for a jazz band. What had escaped my attention was the fact that he was 5í5 and although Iím not a particularly tall person, I love tall men and need to feel that my man is a head above me and can pick me up and carry me to bed and kiss me. I need someone who can wrap me up in his arms, someone who is stronger. Mr. #1 did not have to really to bend down
04/08 Direct Link
Mr. #1 didn't have to bend down to give me a kiss on the cheek, which bothered me. We met at the cheesecake at 3pm on a Sunday, a strange time by any means, but it was not dinner and so it was more informal. I was fine with that. In fact I believe I was the one who rescheduled. I noticed right away that he had a lisp and he also wore an ear device, apparently he was not completely deaf but I just decided within the first 5 minutes that I was not attracted to him at all.
04/09 Direct Link
It was not the ear device, it was the lisp.

He was very nervous at first, and it showed. However, he was a social person and the conversation flowed. He told me that he was surprise at the length of my hair because the pictures did not show that. I didnít know if it was a good thing or bad thing; I assume that guys usually like longer hair in women based on my experience, but his surprise seemed to have been somewhat unpleasant.

He asked me if I wanted to start with wine to
04/10 Direct Link
He asked me if I wanted to start with wine to take off the edge, and I said right away, no, because I was driving and wasnít going to eat much. And I knew it would be bad. I think that ticked him off a bit, as he may have wanted to have a drink. We started talking about family, job, etc. The issue of my separation came up, and I kind of said, in generalities, that I left my ex for two big reasons, one was that he did not want children and the other that he did
04/11 Direct Link
The issue of my separation came up, and I kind of said, in generalities, that I left my ex for two big reasons, one was that he did not want children and the other that he did not have a job and a good career. There they were the reasons, quite plain and truthful, although I didnít go into the infertility story. I use a bit more judgment when it comes to that although I have mentioned it to one date.

He told me that he kind of knows how I feel because he broke off an
04/12 Direct Link
He told me that he kind of knows how I feel because he broke off an engagement, and I thought that itís not really the same but I guess I felt good about the fact that he did not see it as a huge deal. I did tell him that I was frustrated at the website and that not too many people were contacting me, which I know now to be a mistake. However I just didnít put a filter to my mouth at all at that time, this having been my first date in a long time.
04/13 Direct Link
I longed for that intimacy with my ex-husband, that comfort of just telling him whatever is on my mind, but now I remembered that dating was a game and not everything is to be said. It turns out that he is a single child to parents who divorced, and that he is not really in touch with his dad. Seems like he made peace with it. In any case, After that we went into a mall to look into the apple store, and he, being a salesman for a mobile app company, asked me again and again what phone
04/14 Direct Link
In any case, After that we went into a mall to look into the apple store, and he, being a salesman for a mobile app company, asked me again and again what phone I should get. I said that I was fine with my crappy prepaid phone from Brooklyn, thank you very much. It called people and it texted, and thatís all I needed. We left the mall and he gave me a hurried kiss on the cheek and told me heíd call me.

Of course he never did, however I sent him an email 1
04/15 Direct Link
Of course he never did, however I sent him an email 1 to 2 days later to let him know that I didnít feel that Ďsparkí and he sent an email back saying that he agreed with me. I was quite surprised at that and even cried a little, not because I cared for him but because I had hoped that I would woo the first man who comes my way, and I felt so pathetic when I didnít. He also wrote that it would be better if I donít mention that not too many people contact
04/16 Direct Link
He also wrote that it would be better if I donít mention that not too many people contact me on the website, and I wrote that yes that would have been a good idea. And that was the last email.

Mr. #2 was a very sweet guy who showed up on time to this local restaurant/bar, I had spoken to him on the phone a few times. The way he spoke was drawn out and slightly annoying, but I didnít pay too much attention to it. He was cute. I had arrived really early but
04/17 Direct Link
I had arrived really early but I popped into a store to walk around for a bit and to make sure my makeup was on and that I was ok. He liked me right away, and he was also good for my size. Iím not a fat person, but I have boobs and butt on me (a la Kim Kardashian) and he was a man who appreciated that. He also had some meat on his bones and at 37 years old he had great hair, and a bit of a baby face.

The first topic of conversation
04/18 Direct Link
The first topic of conversation was, so what the hell happened in your marriage , and we both shared stories because he was divorced with a 7-year old kid who lived in another state, quite far from here. He said his ex-wife was crazy and abusive, and that he just decided to leave one day because he couldnít take it. I had pasta and he had beef; he paid for dinner and we later went to an ice cream place and I treated him for ice cream. He was the type who liked old movies and hugging each
04/19 Direct Link
He was the type who liked old movies and hugging each other in the rain, a very sweet and genuinely loving person, but he did not have that drive Ė that spark that I need in a man which did not exist in my ex Ė the hunger for life, for meaning, for money, for sex, for whatever. I need to see the hunger, the ambition. I need to see the sophistication, the wheels turning in the head, the guy needs to be able to keep up with me. That did not happen with my ex. Mr. #2 was Mr. Mediocre Loviní.
04/20 Direct Link
He liked me and I sort of liked him but remained undecided. We went on a second date to the cheesecake, and he showed up in a suit this time (not as frumpy) and also with flowers (carnations, but still), and he looked so handsome in his suit. I was really attracted.

His story was that he was an only child to a father who lost a business in the 80s and a mother who still worked (married parents). On our first date he showed me photos of his son, who was adorable, and tears welled up in
04/21 Direct Link
On our first date he showed me photos of his son, who was adorable, and tears welled up in my eyes, which I hushed away without him noticing, because in the back of my head I was thinking of my own children, which I never had with my ex. He also showed me a picture of his dog, a beautiful old Husky.

I called him up from Toronto a couple of weeks later, and almost broke into tears, as he was having dinner with his friend. I wanted to call him back but he said it was
04/22 Direct Link
I don't remember where I am
04/23 Direct Link
I called him up from Toronto a couple of weeks later, and almost broke into tears, as he was having dinner with his friend. I wanted to call him back but he said it was ok to talk now. I told him that I just canít do this right now and that this was a mistake on my part. Big mistake to start dating so early. I was sitting in my room at the Four Seasons, looking at my husbandís photos on the internet and bawling inconsolably.

Wait, the story doesnít end here. There are
04/24 Direct Link
Wait, the story doesnít end here. There are 3.5 more men to discuss. 3.5, because I went on dates with 3 other men, and there is one with whom I corresponded. Actually, no, 3 more that I corresponded with but had not yet dated. And I put a very sudden stop to all of that, as soon as I got to Toronto, and realized, that this is all very wrong to do this right now, and that I was a mess, and that my emotions were less predictable than I had thought them to be.

04/25 Direct Link
Mr. #3 was a restaurant manager. We met at a swanky hotel right outside of Boston, and ate at its restaurant. He had recommended it as a place to go and I had stayed there, so I knew where it was. It was also right off the highway. We had a great time and opened up to each other about things that were perhaps unexpected; he told me a bit about his family and growing up with parents who were unhappy, and then he said that he talks about this with few people, and he was surprised at himself.
04/26 Direct Link
I decided to meet him again, and the next week we went for burritos and a movie (The Lincoln Lawyer). I got tickets for us and actually got carded at the movie theater. After the movie we went to Starbucks, sat there for a while and talked, and then when the place closed at 10pm we sat and talked in his car for a bit. Then we went in for an unspectacular disappointing kiss. All I could think of was, Iím kissing someone other than my husband. It was strange.

Four days later, I got a small
04/27 Direct Link
Four days later, I got a small but ugly and painful bubble on the inside of my lower lip. I looked at it in the mirror, saying to myself, Ďgreat, youíve managed to avoid herpes so far..but now you finally got it. I guess it took a divorce.í I looked for information and images on the internet, and it said that the inside of the lip is most likely a canker sore and not Herpes. I wasnít sure about all this but decided to put it out of my mind after the bubble burst in my mouth.
04/28 Direct Link
It was awful-tasting and the taste lasted for at least a day. Be careful the princes you kiss.

Mr.#4 was almost Mr. Right. He was a guy who worked for the same company, surprisingly, and we even went to the same school. He was also divorced, and we met at a busy sushi restaurant on a Friday night. I liked him instantly although he was very skinny and didnít always seem to look me straight in the eye. I think it was more the idea of him that I liked as opposed to the person.
04/29 Direct Link
After dinner, I dropped him off back at his apartment (as he did not have a car), and he lived very close to the ocean. I did not park the car, but rather just had him get out of the car and I gave him a peck on the cheek. I donít know what it was about where he lived, but it was both close to the airport and the ocean, and there is something to be said for that, something very visceral for me, a cloudy feeling from childhood that involves all that is exciting and thoughtful and
04/30 Direct Link
I donít know what it was about where he lived, but it was both close to the airport and the ocean, and there is something to be said for that, something very visceral for me, a cloudy feeling from childhood that involves all that is exciting and thoughtful and meaningful in life. Now every time I fly I think of him watching the planes from his open window, while smelling the misty ocean, and that thought stirs something in me that perhaps has nothing to do with him, but it has something to do with something that is important.