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09/01 Direct Link
Shabby chic is an oxymoron. Oxymoron, an excellent word I use too often. I have discovered in my attempt to capture the ‘shabby chic' look that I am shabbier than I am chic. Not a pleasant realization I can assure you. The best way to describe my physical appearance is askew. A fact I have known and come to accept for sometime now. But the shabbiness at home is very distressing. I am lacking the decorator vision… among other things. Perhaps it's as simple as the shabby chic look can not be successful in a house with a foam couch.
09/02 Direct Link
Glittery rings, Texas hair, stilettos… all things I‘m not. Ponytails, tennis shoes and jeans are much more my style. Style: It fits into the "don't judge a book by its cover" category. Clothes are costumes we wear to fit in. Style is fickle and elusive or is that Fashion that's fickle and elusive. I have yet to settle on one style. I'm not a fashion hound. I just like all different types of clothes. Although looking back at some of my fashion disasters it might be in my best interest to pick a look that works and stick with it.
09/03 Direct Link
The phenomenon of the ‘X' boyfriend, husband, wife, lover… whichever it may be for you, is fascinating. The dose of reality one gets when confronted with the X is frightening. Sometimes in positive ways; ‘whew, glad I got out of there when I had the chance' or the flip side… kicking yourself for not realizing how good you had it. I tend to glamorize past relationships remembering the good times and blurring out the bad. I've let the best people in my life drift away because I am stubborn, or selfish or whatever. The reality is it's all about timing.
09/04 Direct Link
Rarely do I remember my dreams. Does that have meaning? The dreams I do recall are extreme. Extremely frightening or extremely sexy, I never wake up remembering a dream about vacuuming, shopping or walking a dog. I experience the falling sensation a lot. I wonder if this speaks to the direction my life is taking. Being a single girl in a mostly gay town I find sexy dreams to be medicinal. That and they are down right enjoyable. In my sexy dreams George Clooney and Jeremy Northam are fighting over me. Sometimes George wins and sometimes Mr. Knightley does. Goodnight.
09/05 Direct Link
The Ocean can swallow you whole and decide to keep you or spit you out. The depth, the distance the vastness is impossible for me to comprehend. The little square of land I call my own (at least until the lease is up) is close to the bay. What I see everyday on my drive home wipes away the day and always brings a smile to my face. The day I stop noticing how amazing it is to live here will be the day I decide to move on. I don't see it happening anytime soon, if ever. San Francisco.
09/06 Direct Link
The smile my niece has for me every time she sees me melts my heart. It washes away all the daily stresses that twist me into knots. She has the power to calm and at the same time electrify me. The energy bottled up in that little body is endless. Watching her learn is fascinating, watching her manipulate is familiar. Recalling my own childhood envelope pushing techniques I am able to judge her skill in this area. She's quite talented She possesses the art of manipulation and will soon learn subtlety… dangerous combination. The force is strong in this one.
09/07 Direct Link
The beer and hotdog are arguably the best part of the baseball game. The stadium I love (PacBell Park), the team is great and the energy is inspired. But the dog and brew keep me coming back. I miss the Dodger Dog and the crank condiment machines, now that was a meal. Must be the combination of the wallet lightening, thigh fattening food and the energy of the stadium… the atmosphere. It's about as close to the "whole package" as I've ever experienced. Not to discount football season. The football stadium experience is more alcohol oriented. But that's another 100words.
09/08 Direct Link
Sex. Sex talk. Sex talk related to sports. Scoring, 1st base, 2nd, 3rd, HOMERUN, striking out and even the baulk, all understood. Sticks and balls… hmmm. I'm pretty sure first base is still kissing and it's clear what the homerun is, but what is second and third? I think they may have changed the rules on me. We all know what a professional is… so would a virgin be considered a rookie? I'm guessing the majority of us are not pros or rookies, but minor leaguers. There is nothing wrong with the minor leagues. I've been there for years now.
09/09 Direct Link
When I was 7, the family went on one of many fishing trips. When the Buick stopped, Spot (my trusty stick horse) and I jumped out and began galloping (I was 7!). I thought I had stepped in gum. My feet were sticking to the cracked black pavement. This isn't gum… this isn't pavement. My shoes disappeared… screaming followed, mother panicked, sister looked concerned but didn't stop reading Nancy Drew. With the help of Spot, my Dad dragged me out of the bog and forced me to soak in the lake. Reason being: tar on child – child rides in Buick.
09/10 Direct Link
No more TV. EVER!! Well, maybe just a few episodes of Sex and the City… and Sopranos, but only while working out. TV can't be running unless I am on the bike (actually peddling) or on the Nordic Track. New rule starts TODAY. Although… I don't have a dining room and have to eat at the coffee table. I would enjoy a little something to watch while consuming my meal a la microwave. Can't very well work out while having dinner now can I? Addendum to rule: can watch TV while eating. Hmmm, think I just figured out my problem.
09/11 Direct Link
Alarm goes off… NPR music – thank goodness it's between segments. I shut the alarm off and reach for the remote to watch the news. Then I remember what day it is. I start to tear up and leave the remote on the nightstand. Not yet, it's too early to see the footage again. It's not the way I want to start my day. Showering, dressing, driving to work all normal – I listen to a cd instead of the radio. I am aware of the planes in the sky and reminded of how strange it seemed the days they weren't there.
09/12 Direct Link
Vitamins give us the nutrients our bodies need. We take vitamins (food supplements) because we aren't getting the proper amount of nutrients from our diet. Doesn't it seem in this country at least we should all be able to get the necessary nutrients from food? The consumption of the nutritional void known as fast food has poisoned a nation. With a vitamin you can eat crap all day long and still get all the nutrition your body needs… right up to the heart attack that is. Make sure you take your vitamins today. Would you like to Super Size that?
09/13 Direct Link
Men who want to date you, but you don't want to date. I find the ‘lets just be friends' line embarrassing to say. I have a lot of male friends and I don't want to sleep with them or picture them naked… well, most of them anyway. Lately it seems I have been meeting and going out with men I'm not romantically interested in. A fantastic quote my best ‘girl' friend sent me; I can't remember it exactly, but it was something like. "He's so wonderful, why can't I be attracted to him." And there you have it, that's me.
09/14 Direct Link
When I was young I saw the movie Jaws. Not in the theater (I was only 6) which I'm sure would have really screwed me up, I'm guessing I saw it on TV when I was about 12…the edited version. The following day I was afraid to go in the deep end of the swimming pool. A pool I grew up swimming in, that I was absolutely sure didn't allow sharks. Despite gobs of logic and reason, it was on that very day I began what has grown into an irrational, borderline unhealthy fear of sharks and deep dark water.
09/15 Direct Link
Smoke. I love to smoke. If I could smoke without the smell, the rogue waft of smoke in the eye, the burn holes, the physical destruction to your lungs, and of course the cancer I would smoke all day every day. I quit smoking a while back, but would still have the occasional cig when out drinking. Those days are over I'm sad to say. Perhaps it's because I'm getting older. Or just more aware of how things affect my body. The day after a smoke is unbearable. The nicotine hangover was my salvation. I am now an official non-smoker.
09/16 Direct Link
The journal stresses me out. Not as much as making a quilt, but enough to freeze up my brain. I can be charming and witty when shooting emails to friends (same friends who buy me journals) but choke when writing on paper. 100words a day is for some reason easier – perhaps because I am editing for mass consumption. I don't have to dig deep and touch emotional scars and wounds that I choose to avoid admitting I even have. I don't have to be honest with you… maybe it's simply because I can delete and start over on a computer.
09/17 Direct Link
Oh the pain! I worked out yesterday. I took a class I haven't taken in months. A class I used to try to make harder for a challenge. Yesterday the mirrors were taunting me. Who the hell is that white flabby girl with the red face? Oh dear lord it's me! It can't be… I've only been away from the gym a few months. There I was, larger than life. Honestly it wasn't that bad. But let me tell you… surrounding yourself with mirrors makes it impossible to hide. Impossible to hide ANYTHING, even how graceful you aren't…what a sight.
09/18 Direct Link
Chopper(s) a name for teeth, helicopters, and motorcycles. There is the pork chop, what am I, chopped liver? The karate chop, ‘The Karate Kid' starring Ralph Machio, is that right? Ralph was also in ‘Crossroads'. Selling your soul to the devil to be the best guitar player, just doesn't seem like something the average person would do. I personally don't play any instruments, so maybe it's something I might do. I played the trumpet for about a minute in elementary school, and I know the chorus to "Somewhere My Love", the flute always seemed appealing – until the movie ‘American Pie'.
09/19 Direct Link
Traveling seems to be all I do lately. Don't get me wrong, I love visiting my family and friends. But I don't think I've vacuumed my apartment for 2 months… or more! The chores that are normally taken care of on the weekend have been kicked down the priority pole. Having fun, visiting and playing with friends took over the top spot, as it should. It has taken me 33 years to figure out what is really important… and it isn't work. I want to make every day fabulous. Don't try to make it last, try to make it great.
09/20 Direct Link
What motivates a person to grow their hair extraordinarily long on one side of their head? And what makes them think that anything they did with it would look good - lopsided maybe, but definitely not good. When the wind blows, it rains, they sweat any of a number of things can send the manipulated wisps into disarray. I believe people who reflect light up top should go for the mullet… short on top long in back. And if they miss the old comb-over they can always comb forward and pretend to be Caesar. Not a good look for women.
09/21 Direct Link
21 was my favorite jersey number when I was a kid. My definition of ‘kid' has now come to include my high school and early college years. That's a little frightening… next thing you know I'll be turning the radio down calling the music NOISE. I wasn't really motivated to study in high school… I was much more interested in playing sports. I felt it was easier to excel in athletics than education, and at the time it was. After knee injuries and creaking bones, I find reading a book an excellent alternative to injury inducing sports. That's not true.
09/22 Direct Link
I have a topic block today. I find myself looking around my desk for ideas… hand cream, vitamins, family photos. I am reminded of a poem I wrote when I was 6 or 7 years old entitled ‘What is White'. The contents of which are things like… the paper I am writing on, a ribbon in your hair, clouds, my t-shirt and so on, you get the idea. The poem went on to include a line, which caused my Mother to save it and read it at almost every visit. No, I'm not going to tell you… but it's funny.
09/23 Direct Link
Time management… I have found time to write 100 words a day, but put off cleaning the house. I have found time to watch netflix movies and futz with my rental queue but not to do the dishes. I have always found time to lounge like a lump on the couch, but there never seems to be enough time in the day to straighten my closet. I don't know what I'm complaining about – I truly enjoy the way I manage my time. I think I'll go for a walk today instead of taking out the trash and washing my car.
09/24 Direct Link
I am planning my trip for Jack's first birthday. Seems like just the other day my nephew was born. An amazing experience I am eternally grateful to have shared with my Sister and her husband, John. My job was to stay out of the way. The speed with which my life is passing is shockingly apparent when measured against Madison and Jack's growth. I remember when I was Madison's age… she is 6 years old, and my mother would tell me to wait 5 minutes. 5 minutes – an eternity! Now 5 minutes is barely even a blink.
09/25 Direct Link
The hangover. I've had some pretty bad hangovers in my time. In High School, my mother would make the sausage breakfast casserole… her way of saying ‘busted'. The scent wafting up to my room was enough punishment. Surprisingly I don't remember very many bad hangovers in College – I barely remember College. The latest round of hangovers, the over thirty crowd, have been particularly painful. I have come to believe it is not only from the red wine, but also the cigarettes I smoke towards the end of the evening. The level of pain corresponding with the amount of nicotine inhaled
09/26 Direct Link
How many times a day does the average person pee? I believe I pee excessively. Let me see, today I peed at 12:42am when I woke up and realized the TV was on – not a poltergeist, I'm just lazy. I peed at 6:30am when I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed. I peed at 8:00am when I got to work and at 10:30am after my first glass of water. 11:10am, 12:30 at Togo's - #2 no mayo - #2 is the sandwich!! We are at 6 already and I haven't even eaten lunch. Oh forget it, I give up.
09/27 Direct Link
Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten… except: how to spell kindergarten, the importance of safe sex, sex, how to blow… um glass, how to do a beer bong, how to play quarters, shave, apply makeup without looking like a clown, drive, how to apply makeup while driving… safely, fix a flat, lie well, manipulate well, forge mom's signature, exceed my credit card limit, seek out dysfunctional relationships, drugs – what to do when you don't ‘just say no', how to throw up in a toilet without ruining your clothes or hair, how to value friendship, how to survive.
09/28 Direct Link
Do you doodle? I go through phases… doodling phases. Sometimes I doodle all day, sometimes I don't doodle at all. I'm talking about drawing here! When I doodle I usually draw random shapes, sometimes shapes within shapes. Triangles, squares, stripes, polka dots whatever feels right at the time. You can tell my life is very full – I have time to write 100 words a day and doodle. I'm out of control! I wonder if people can tell about you from your doodle like with handwriting samples. Carol's not so deep thought for the day, aren't you glad you witnessed it.
09/29 Direct Link
Success! I wrote in my journal last night, my ‘everything you say is fascinating' journal. I don't really believe everything I say is fascinating. Although I do think I'm pretty darn funny. I crack myself up all the time. I can giggle for hours about the tiniest thing. For example; I'm not a fig picker but a fig pickers son but I'll pick figs ‘til the fig pickin's done. 69 is the word count after …done. That's kinda funny. My brother-in-law enjoys making me repeat it. The candy costs 69 cents. How much? 69 cents. Sorry, didn't hear… how much?
09/30 Direct Link
I'm not craving; carrots and celery, lean cuisines, non-fat yogurt, salad with balsamic vinegar, rice cakes, vegetables, lean ground turkey, low-fat frozen meals, egg beaters, turkey sausage or veggie burgers. I am craving; cake batter, cookie dough, dodger dogs with catsup, mustard, onions and relish, chocolate candy bars, ice cream – coffee heath bar crunch, grilled cheese sandwiches, chocolate malt – made with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, planters really salty nut mixture, bacon and eggs, steak, pizza, real coke, all things fried with ranch dressing for dipping, in and out burger – double double with fries, oh yes… and thinner thighs.