06/01 Direct Link
Time to start June. 15 days late. (It's not my fault, I had exams!) But now I'm freeeeee. Oh sweet freedom. I have spent the first seven hours of my new-found freedom buying Shaun of the Dead and a battered Donna Tartt novel from a charity shop (because I hate spending money) and applying for jobs (because I love earning money). I have decided that when I am older I will start with an early morning paper round, followed by a well-paid full-time job, followed by some bar-tending. Alright, I realise this is unrealistic, but think how rich I'd be!
06/02 Direct Link
Applying for jobs is highly addictive. You start by being s*** scared, thinking all employers will think you are an arrogant a***hole and tell you to p*** off. But then you realise that the idea of applying for a job and 'selling yourself' is just that, and everyone does it. Then the addiction starts and you see every shop/restaurant/company/job advert in the paper as a store of money waiting to be claimed. (Incidentally, I feel my attitude to money is somewhat unhealthy) I have filled the void previously occupied with frantic revision with job hunting. So far it is working.
06/03 Direct Link
I feel that soon the 'oh wait, getting a job is not as easy as writing two enthusiastic sheets of A4' feeling will sink in, but never mind. Tomorrow I'll attack the town armed with about 20 CVs and visit all the shops I can find. Will they notice that all the CVs are near identical? Probably not. Actually, I'll probably have to go get some more fancy 'legal paper' first. The internet (and my boyfriend, who appears to know these things) keep telling me that legal paper is important. (I'm currently using up the fancy cream paper from Dad's funeral...)
06/04 Direct Link
After writing 300 words on job hunting, it seems I may need to get a life as well as a job. I would celebrate with jumping around, screaming and the eating of vast amounts of sugary snacks, but it appears that I am the first in my year to have finished with my exams. I won't lie, I do feel some pride at this fact. Still, sitting on my bed, 'advertising myself' (which makes it sound as if I am apply for a very different sort of job...) and listening to Spotify is much better than history revision. Much, much better.
06/05 Direct Link
I have a guilty secret.

I'm addicted to starbucks. 

Walking through town, clutching my plastic, American, branded cup, I feel the eyes of die-hard locals burning into me; their anger at my not shopping locally. Look locals, I don't like having to spend £3.95 on a drink every time I have to go into town either, trust me. can't help it, I just gravitate towards the little green and white sign, swinging from above that temple of doom. Thing is, they do a damn good mocha frappucino. And the chocolate cream isn't bad either.
06/06 Direct Link
I am getting grumpier and grumpier. I spend my evenings watching Grumpy Old Men, because it feels like the only program I can identify with, and will provide some respite from my grumpyness. My skin crawls with irritation at absolutely everything. Oh the grumpiness. Everything adds to it, nothing takes away from it. I sit and grump. My contact with others goes so far as someone else to grumble with. God help those who tell me it's "not that bad". This only adds to the irritation, and our friendship cannot continue, you happy fools. 

Maybe I should go to bed...
06/07 Direct Link

Dear TV people,

I kindly ask you to move the watershed to an earlier time. Nine is much too late. Seven would be more reasonable. 

My reasons are as follows:

1. Do you really think a small child is going to be disturbed by the word 'fuck'? (Sorry children - and Isaac) No. They very probably hear it everyday, and their parents probably use it.
2. Everything until nine is pointless, child friendly crap.
3. This results in me going to bed at around midnight, every night. This makes me tired, grumpy, and more likely to complain about pointless things - like this.

06/08 Direct Link

I currently have 528 emails. I’ve just had an email spring clean and I still have 528 emails! No, I do not have 528 exciting personalised messages from nice friends; they are all from Facebook. Do I care if Will Shaw has written smiley face L O L on Della Helwig's photo? No.

Anywho, I fixed the problem, and now Facebook will never email me again (except if someone changes the name of a group to which I belong - I won't be a member of any badly-named group). So now, I wait for the emails not to come. Eagerly.

06/09 Direct Link

I have a lot of words to write. A lot of words to write. But I don't want to write 100 words of boring sh*t. If I wrote 100 words of boring sh*t, some poor sucker would click on 'Read a Random Entry', and get this. Frankly, they'd be dissapointed. I would. I generally have to press the 'Read a Random Entry' button 3 - 5 times before I am satisfied enough to read a whole batch, and I feel guilty as I discard people's efforts, but that’s life. Oh crap, I just wrote 100 words of boring sh*t. Sorry.

06/10 Direct Link

This will make sense if you read 30 first. I am a hopeless 100wordser, I know...

I really expected the ball to be an excruciatingly painful three and a half hours of my life. But do you know what? It was actually pretty darn fun. Ok, the first hour and a half was excruciating (our boyfriends chose to have man conversations in a circle of men, so we all sat around grumbling about how much pain we were suffering from high heels - seriously men, you have no idea what woman suffers for your sakes) but the last hour ...

06/11 Direct Link

more than made up for it (we left early). And you know what? (this really is all in the wrong order – apologies) I found my confidence! And how did I regain it? Drinking of course! Yes, bad dancing, drinking and having one of the (drunk) most popular girls in my year stroke my Doc Martens whilst telling me how nice they were (score!) actually worked. Being drunk (fairly tipsy - unlike our poor friend who spent the entire night being violently sick) is truly amazing. I talked to so many people, danced a lot, and giggled a lot. Fun? Ridiculously.

06/12 Direct Link
I am not myself. I am seeking out human contact. This is new. I actually feel almost lonely. My boyfriend is packing, my best friend is in York, and my other  best friend is in London. I used to love being alone, I'd seek out being alone. I blame too many social gatherings. 

I can't see how I'll ever finish this entry, which I write on the 4th July (Happy Independence day America - just think, on this day in 1783 the Indians were happily inhabiting much of your dear country, but not for long, eh?).
06/13 Direct Link
I finished the entry, 3 hours after I started it. Sorry for having a jibe at you America, but I can't help feeling sorry for those Indians with their impending doom. Do you not think that? What did they really do to you? Eh? You killed all their buffalo! How would you feel if they emptied out all your fridges, stamped all over all your food (including those emergency tins you keep in the garage) and then set fire to it? Actually, no. How would you like if they burnt all your supermarkets? Why Americans? Why?
06/14 Direct Link
The score is now Me: 321 Starbucks: 0. You would not believe how often I think about Starbucks. London is like a Starbucks minefield! They are everywhere. But I can do it. I can resist. I can do anything. etc. etc. 

If only giving up everything was so easy. If heroin was this easy to give up, I'm sure Trainspotting would have never been written. As good a book it is, it does drag on. I must've been reading it for about a month. Which, for me, is the equivalent of 5 years for a normal person. Urghh.
06/15 Direct Link
I really need to write some words. I am worried this will not get finished. I have today, tomorrow and then it closes. I'm a bit worried I'll think "I'll leave it till tomorrow" and then forget, or not be bothered. I doubt I'll write next month: I don't think I could manage a whole month again. I feel like I'm drowning in entries, both written and unwritten. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Damn damn damn damn. This doesn't go well. This is a useless, wasted entry. I hate wasting things. I hate it when others write wasted entries. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.
06/16 Direct Link
A list of things I must do (So you can get an indication of my scattyness)

1. I MUST finish 100words
2. I MUST ring my Godfather, Peter
3. I MUST email my Chinese exchange, Tiffany (who I have not emailed since Christmas - and it is my turn
4. I MUST remember the other thing that I must do
5. I MUST learn some more of the Latin verbs/nouns/adjectives I must learn
6. I MUST finish Michel Thomas' Introductory Greek
7. I MUST umm.... must remember... something else...
8. I MUST get a job, or I will be bankrupt and unable to leave the house
06/17 Direct Link
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus 100words! Will you never end? You are really pushing your luck here. I swear more blue boxes appear each time, when I could have sworn I'd written entries.

The sun has gone. I feel crafty, as we went to the beach on the last day of sun. We caught you sun. There was no 'we'll go if it's sunny'. We would've gone anyway. But we outwitted the weather. The English weather no less.

Anyway, the sun has gone, and so have the social gatherings. No one wants to meet in the clouds. The clouds are depressing; sad and grey. 
06/18 Direct Link

£14 on food in Brighton. Food was so damn expensive (and me and Charlie were very hungry). Plus £16 on the train, that's £30! The job hunting came to nothing; I was lazy. (Although I now get free cinema tickets volunteering at our local cinema). I earned £125 as the model for mother's painting class. A few months ago maybe, that would've sounded like a lot. But there’ve been so many birthdays lately! Autumn is obviously a popular mating season for humans. £10 per person, that's about £50. Plus £30 on Brighton, £50 in London, and I'm near broke again. 

06/19 Direct Link
Music is another very expensive commodity. In some ways, Spotify has helped me, as I can listen to stuff for free, but it also introduced me to so much more music, which has just made me want to buy more. I doubt a job would actually help me; I'd probably become more greedy with my wants and spend it all. How will I survive as I student? What happened to my once criminally stingy attitude to life? Oh woe is me, the one with no money. I can't believe how greedy I'm being. Think of the Africans. God, I'm lucky...
06/20 Direct Link

The final entry! (I warned that this order was completely random.) What did I do on the 20th? It was a Sunday. What did I do that Sunday? Let's be honest, I probably spend the whole day watching bad TV. Did Tom come over? Oh wait, was the football on yet? I can't be bothered to check. If it was, I was probably indulging the new found football addiction I had. It disappeared after England lost. It was also the irregular games that threw me. I was used to three a day; after that I couldn’t be bothered with it.

06/21 Direct Link
How does one approach a 'new' person? Introduce yourself?

Example 1.
  "Hi, I'm [name]"
  "F*ck off, [name]"
(maybe I'm too pessimistic)

Example 2.
  "Hi, I'm [name]. And you are?"
  "Hi, I'm [name2]"
  "What subjects did you take, [name2]?"
  "PE, Chemistry, Drama, German. And you?"
  "French, Philosophy, English Literature and Further Maths"
(let's face it, is this person ever going to talk to you again? It's unlikely. Plus, they always give you a funny look/raise an eyebrow when you mention the further maths. Always.)
06/22 Direct Link
So you don't introduce yourself. Go for the compliment?

Example 1
  "Wow, I love your top!"
  "Where did you get it?"

Example 2
  "Wow, I love your top!"
  "Where did you get it?"
  "F*ck off"
  "I'm [name] by the way..."

So instead, I stay away from the new people, feeling a sting of regret as I watch them sitting alone. It's okay, I'll talk to them tomorrow. Or maybe the day after...
06/23 Direct Link
''I fried my head, I'm not a brunette
I'm a down and dusky blonde 
I am living in a tree 
When I lie in bed I see 
Beyond my lover's head the moon, 
I hear the rain

I am conscious of my voice 
As a tool it's more demure 
Than your friend the dancing queen 
With her matinee good looks 
She talks like talking from a book 
I speak the language of my village, 
Of my street'

God Help the Girl, A Down and Dusky Blonde

(An ode to blondes, melancholy, and shyness)
06/24 Direct Link

I shared a moment with a seven year old today.

I was walking home in the sun, when a gaggle of primary school children and parents streamed past me. A dishevelled mother was shouting at her out-of-sight child to 'stop Jonny! Slow down! There's a road!". Her son gave me that oh-dear-isn't-my-mother-amusing look, with a slight smile, and I smiled back with the yes-she-is-rather-funny look. No one else understood. But me and him? We shared something; in that brief moment we understood each other perfectly. I'll never forget you, little ginger seven year old.

One day, we will meet again.

06/25 Direct Link
This I have learnt.

I have not, in fact, surpassed my fear of new people. This is bad. I just spent a fairly painful four days knowing I should get to know these new 'external' students (and failing to) and as a result, feeling awkward, shy and a bit grumpy. It's so stupid.  Everyone around me is getting to know them, exchanging phone numbers (which I never get! What do you text someone you've only known for two days?). It's so ridiculous, I don't need to get to know these people. I have friends! So why do I care so much?
06/26 Direct Link
Somehow, I need to get my confidence back in time for September. But how do you go about getting your confidence back? Looking back through my sixteen short years of life, they've been a constant building of confidence, losing of confidence, building the confidence back up, starting to lose it again. And I feel myself slipping back down the slope. Which is ridiculous! I should have the most confidence now than I've ever had. I have a lovely (and very handsome) boyfriend, great friends... What's wrong with me? I don't know, and I'm not entirely sure how to fix it...
06/27 Direct Link
I've gone cold-turkey on Starbucks. That's right, I'm clean. I've found the key to controlling the cravings is replacement. When in London with my friend Izzie tugging on my sleeve to get a Starbucks, I suggested we get some ice cream from the fancy gelateria. She was satisfied, we had some good ice cream (lemon sorbet for me, raspberry for her - ohhh yeah), and the score was Me 1 Starbucks 0. Then yesterday, I really wanted a mocha light. So. Badly. But what did I do? I had a chocolate milkshake, and it was niiice. 

Me 2, Starbucks 0.
06/28 Direct Link

I wish I was who you thought I was, because I sense that would make you happy. I'd be pretty happy if someone on the internet turned out to be my friend, because I like coincidences. (Unless you are Annabel Gammack, who was in my creative writing class. I doubt this, because of the spelling difference, and also because I doubt she's a Beatles person. I feel a shared love of the Beatles would be the basis of our friendship.)

Hang on, if you've seen David at the concert, you must go to our school... Wow... that's odd...
06/29 Direct Link
Something really strange, and a more than a little creepy. I think I know who Annibell is. I have pieced together evidence (which was more that a little fun) and now I know. I feel a bit sad now though, because I have no mystery left, and now must go back to watching reruns of 80s game shows on Challenge TV while my boyfriend is in France. On the upside, Britain's Next Top Model has started. But I promised my friend that I'd watch it with her on Friday, so cannot watch it yet...

Oh look, Family Fortunes is on!
06/30 Direct Link

Frankly, I'm not looking forward to this school ball. It’s been anticipated so much it's bound to be a letdown, like Christmas, birthdays, your first kiss, etc. How can it be any different? For those who are single, they are likely to find it a depressing reminder of their singledom (or at least I would) and those in couples have probably seen each other every other day of the holidays anyway. Loud people will be loud, quiet people will be wishing they were more like the loud people, etc etc. On the upside, I get to wear a pretty dress.