REPORT A PROBLEM
Okay, finally, a chance to catch up on this month. Does this count when it is written three days later? I was cheated out of writing for December 1 and I hope it goes on record. I was cheated,cheated I tell you. I wonder if anybody writes ahead to have something to say every day. I can't do that, because I've given up writingt on paper the rest of the year. January is going to bring good things. I just need to concentrate on myself through the rest of this year. And once again, I have done the deed.
I am trying my best to keep up with this and just realized I've missed the first. How did I do that when it is Tuesday, December 1? Rats and phooey. And the entry was a good one....crud. I came close to getting a new position at work. And as fast as the opportunity was put into my lap, the opportunity was taken away. Stupid points system. Now I wonder, if I can't be on phones, will I just have to be let go because I can't be transferred to a different department until next year, December. Soooooo unfair.
I almost forgot except that the short cut is above my email and that reminded me. It is really Dec 2 at 832 p.m. I got cheated a day because of the time difference. I need to find out what the cut off in California is so I don't miss anymore days. I'll have to look around and find the answer to my question. Scott is home and talking to me. I can't concentrate anymore. I guess I'll give up as long as I have my one hundred words in the system this evening at 8:36 p.m.
I just realized that I can be anybody I want to be on these pages. I can write about the demons inside of my head and heart; I can write about the lustful things I think about and am not sure how to turn them into a story. I can let the real me onto the page and suffocate the Muse should I chose to do so. On the page, maybe I can get rid of some of the penned up thoughts onto paper and move onto a better life, including and not limited to my writing life that awaits.
The kids always stare at my hands. probably because they are at eye level to most small children. They never hesitate to ask the ususal questions. "Uh, what happened to your hand?" "Don't it hurt?" After five years, I still don't know how to answer them. Their parents did not think it was funny. And I can't help it if their teenager is a gullible idiot. ANYWAY...The truth is, I don't remember much of what happened. They say forgetting after a traumatic event is a good thing. I know who did it and I know why, but don't remember.
Katie was convinced her husband was drugging her. Whenever she drank something Steven made for her, she started to feel drowsy and fell asleep, She became leary of this after an early morning coffee caused her to fall back asleep just after she woke up. And she realized how often Steven told their friends and family "Katie hasn't been herself lately." And suddenly she no longer trusted her husband of 12 years. And she started thinking about Steven's first wife, Daphne, and how she died. What does one do if they think a body should be dug up for review?
I almost forgot to do this. I was talking to my dauhter and fighting off sleep and suddenly remembered I had not done it yet. I got another Christmas card and I just don't want to do Christmas this year. I am simply not excited when my baby girls is suffering from depressionand lonliness. I thought I'd see more of her now but that is obviously not the case. that crazy cousin of hers is over there all the time, and she is talking about having her move in to split the rent. I think she will be very sorry.
She wondered what would happen if she could lose her temper and let all the rage out. Screaming and throwing things and hitting anybody that came near her might make people realize she was truly needing a doctor to lock her up. Of course, they never would because she was their money ticket. Because of the medication, she had the demons tamed and settled inside. Nobody dared to rear their ugly head because the consequences would get them and their hostess into so much trouble. Doctors do know how to get rid of such demons, but they were smart too.
Plink, plink, plink. The sound of rain woke Katie up. She lay underneath the covers listening to nature's music as the rain intensified and went from plinking to pouring. In minutes, Katie knew, the sidewalk leading to her car would be flooded. When it was time to go to work, she would have to walk around the sidewalk to keep her feet as dry as possible. Glancing at the clock, Katie rose from the bed and padded on bare feet to the kitchen. This would be a good day for fresh coffee and some of grandma's coffee cake made fresh.
Something is REALLY wrong with my throat. It is so dry I'm gagging at night and can't sleep because of it. I wish I could go to Kaiser and have an IV put in to rehydrate me. This is pure hell. I cough so hard I almost blacking out. when I have a few minutes of peace and quiet, I eat or drink somethng and it starts all over. I have to sit up to sleep or I wake up every four hours. This is suspicious to me because I should have recovered by now. I'm not talking, doggone it.
I can't believe somebody took all the tools from the trunk of the car. They looked in the glovebox and left all the papers sorted all over the passenger seat of the car. It was Scott's idea to check the trunk and damned if they didn't take our tools, every single one of them. They left the jumper cables, which is funny because I needed them on Tuesday. They have been breaking into cars and apartments to steal whaatever they can see through the windows. they broke in and took one of the neighbor's giant water bottle full of change.
Whatever is happening has to do with the health of my voice box and/or vocal cords. I'm dehydrated for some reason, no matter how much water I drink. Drinking coffee or tea makes it worse, and causes me to gag and cough so hard I almost black out. Some day I really will black out and maybe fall and injure myself. One of these days I'm going to get sick and everybody is going to go into panic mode because I'm the only one who has their head on their shoulders correctly. sorry about their stupid dumb luck. Ha!
I think I know what I have. It is called Reinke's Edema and may require surgery since I quit smoking and it has come back. There is no cure but lots of different treatments. It leads to acid reflux problems, breathing problems, and a feeling of choking. I wish Kaiser would hurry up and call me to get this scopy done as soon as possible. I am scared to death now. This could get a lot serious before it gets better. I wanted time off and I just might get some time off. Not so funny now, is it, girlfriend?
She won't go anywhere. She won't converse with me. She stays at home with his cousin and ingnores me, doesn't seem to need me one damn bit. That is the most hurtful thing of all is knowing that even with him gone,she still doesn't need me for a damn thing except money and babysitting services. I don't need her hanging around anyway. She sucks me out of money no mattter how careful I am about letting her do it. I don't know what I can do to make it feel better, but I guess it doens't matter one bit.
Nothing breaks my heart more than the idea of my daughter holding her four year old son while he cries for his Daddy. My heart breaks for her having to deal with this. How can you explain this to a four year old? And my heart breaks for him, because his Daddy was his world and there is nothing that can change that except time....slow dragging time. Will he remember his Daddy when he is older? I don't know. Maybe he is lucky that he is so young, not like his older brothers. His sister will have no memories.
I hate the smell of pot. It makes my asthma flare up and I can't breathe. If I get in the car tomorrow and it smells, I'm going to beat the hell out of my husband and go to jail. Then I won't have to endure a Christmas I can't afford. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas.Goodbye.
Every morning I gag and throw up for about an hour. I'm getting more scared by the day. Thank God we are going to Oakland and not waiting for surgery next year. I would lose my mind with all the coughing and upset stomach. The Pepcid is coming in hanndy after all. All the what ifs of life keep going through my head. What if I get sick and can't work anymore? What if I have to go on disability and have to rely on the kindnesss of others? I'm not saying that to be goofy. I'm dead serious. Really.
I wonder what he would do if I made a move on him? Would he push me away? Or would he be enveloped in the moment and welcome me with open arms. I could just sneak under the covers and take his penis in my mouth and bring him to life. Would that be rape? A part of me knows it is. Does he KNOW how much I want him, how much I'm willing to be his whore just to keep him happy? Does he know to what lengths I will go to keep him happy and in my bed?
A minor detail has come up. Nothing I can't handle, but it grieves me to have to deal with the person involved. I can't risk compromising the mission after all this time. I wish I had a partner that could do this for me. Then again, I think it is only right that I be the one to end the life of a would be traitor. Then I know for sure it wss completed and the body disposed of properly. Nobody would ever know, and his friends will think he took off on one of his crazy exploration trips again.
Some people are put on this earth to piss me off. Some are here to make me laugh and feel better about myself. And some are put here to torment me to death on the verge of killing, mutilating, or at least striking back. Too bad I"m not a trained assassin; I could take care of most irritants in my life. Sad news is, I can't live without this pain in the ass in my life. What is a girl to do? Wish and wish and wish and still not have what she wants in life; and what should be.
I met a real live comedian named Antonio Blaque. Funny as can be and made the trip to Oakland a bit more bearable. Even have the recommendation of a restaurant we will try out tomorrow if we can find it. It is on 2nd and Broadway, not far from the Amtrak station. His family runs the place and he said it is the best barbecue place in Oakland. Nice, not rude and not cursing on a constant basis. Very respectful and concious of the people around him. Never judges people and talks to everybody as if they are most important.
I hate this town. I want to go home as soon as we are done at Kaiser. The bus tickets were an additional $80 so we will have to wait. We found the comedian's recommended restuarant and the food was DA BOMB!!! And the service was awesome, perfect compared to the fiasco we had to endure last night at the Chicken and Waffle Shop on the corner. The dumb night clerk at the hotel made it seem like there was no other place to eat, so we endured it the best we could. Salad does not mean nothing but lettuce.
FINALLY it is over. Back to work for one more day and now I can sit at home and relax for four days. Except for allergy shots in the morning and the turkey I'm cooking for the three of us tomorrow and the presents i need to take to Danielle's when she says it is okay to come over. I sure wish I had a friend to make cookies with this year. Nobody likes me everybody hates me guess i'll go eat worms. This is the worst Christmas ever. I miss the good old days when the girls were young.
When am I gonna get better, Lord? I'm tired of being sick. My headache hurts beyond belief My stomach feels like ick. When will I feel better,Lord. I'm worn out and tired beyond belief. What should I try next to get some relief? When can i venture outside, Lord? And embrace the sun you create. This room is too dark and cold. I want to be able to breathe. When can I come home, Lord? I feel as if it is time. My body is oh so tired, And I'm ready to go home at this time. Thank you
It is not a good year and Christmas sucks. I wish I could make my daughter's loss not a loss. I wish I could wipe my grandson's tears away. Instead my tears multiplty and there is nothing I can do to ease their pain, nothing I can do to bring anybody back that should not have been taken. I understand an old woman riddled with cancer in her brain. I don't understand a young father recovering from whatever funk he was in. A new baby girl turned him around and he is rewarded with a sudden, unexplainable death. Not fair.
Today is better, so far. Not sure why today makes all the difference, but it does. I'm a bit upset that I have to borrow from my mother in law again, but life goes on and she doesn't mind helping us as much as she minds helping the others. Yesterday was a depressing mess of tears and bitter anger vocalized when my older daughter said "I'm very, very mad at God." I did not know what the Christian thing to say would be, probably because I'm mad as well. Okay, not mad, just not understanding. It doesn't make any sense.
Out of everyone in this world why did God have to take away my husband?!!!!I thought it was supposed to get easier, the pain is just getting worse I want to rip my hair out and scream at the world. Spare me with the whole God has a plan, I'm a little pissed off with that plan nowadays. This is just not fair, my daugh...ter will never know her father how is that in anyway right? If I could make this better I .... I do not understand either. And I'm fed up with the cliches in this world.
Men stink forever. They are evil in making me feel and look stupid. Find the damn gate remote yourselves, you morons. The object of the day seemed to be to piss me off and again, somebody has gotten the best of me. They stink and I love them both, one of them more than the other. Because my husband is a bitter, hateful old man who needs to be kicked out and living on the streets just to remind him of what he used to be. How can they be so mean to me when I have done so much?
I need to write letters to Mom and Aunt Darlene. Sure wish my printer worked so I could just type them out and mail them. No way out of this, since I need to write Mom and tell her what the doctor said about my voice box. Not a fun trip, but do I tell her this or not? Seems a bit panicky about not hearing if I got her card and check for Christmas. I don't think she has sent money in five years. sure wish she would not do that as I'm sure she needs the money too.
My baby has a headache and has had it, he finally admits, for four days. There is nothing I can do to make it go away. He needs medication and he doesn't have insurance. My hearts breaks for him because I can see the pain in his eyes and face and I know what it is like to have a pain that doesn't go away but grows and grows and grows. What I wouldn't do to help him with this, but I'm not a doctor or a nurse for that matter. Damn his wife for losing her job and leaving.
2010 is going to be a better year. It can't be any worse than it is right now. I hate my husband. I'm in love with a man who loves me but not enough to be a "thing". He will love me until the day he dies, but we can never be a "couple". I just want somebody to be my companion. I don't even care about making love. He does. He is still young and semi-healthy and needs more than I can give...like big tits and a deep throat. Why does it have to be this way?
The Tip Jar