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April first aka April Fool's Day. I aboslutely rue this day! It's so irritating! I don't know why, because I'm a pro pranks type of person. Just something about this day I don't enjoy, it's been this way for awhile now. I don't like that I get pinched by 3 out of every 5 people that I know, simply because I'm not wearing the color green. It's childish to me. Ugh, anyway, I suppose (as my best friend would say) I should just build a bridge and walk my a$$ over it........... Whatevs, I don't know what else to say.
April and October are always crammed with birthdays! Today is David's birthday, tomorrow is my sister's birthday, 7th is my older sister, Alexa, Melissa and Chelsea's birthday, 9th is my grandma's birthday, 13th is Mikail's birthday, 14th Nannette aka Narnia's birthday, 30th is Sarah Heinz's birthday and yeah.. I really could name at least 10 more people with birthday's in this month, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea here. Oh, and sunday is Easter! Wow! I totally forgot about that holiday. LOL funny because the importance of this day and what it means is HUGE in my religion.
Today is my wittle sister's birthday. Elizabeth Mary-Grace is her name, but she perfers Betsie. Words can't even describe how much this girl means to me, I don't know where I would be or what I would do half the time if I didn't have her around to keep me in check. Anyway, my birthday present to her are tickets to the Michael Buble concert. They aren't front row seats or anything, but they certainly aren't so far back that she can't even see him. Bowl of Porridge seats it what I like to call them, meaning, jussssssst right :)
Happy Easter! I sang my first solo today in church & it was probably the most nerve wrecking thing I've ever had to do. You'd think because I love singing so much I wouldn't have a problem with performing in front of crowds, but I do. I have THE WORST stage fright anyone could ever imagine. Maybe I'm not afriad of singing in front of people, maybe it's justt that I'm afraid of being judged. That's it! I'm scared that people are going to criticize my vocal abilities & that's what makes it so hard for me to do what I love.
Copy and pasting my favorite song lyrics is NOT okay to do for my 100 words. I was not aware of this, pretty lame. I guess I've just gotta start posting my own lyrics if I feel the need to post a song here. I get it though, I understand that this is my time to write 100 of my own words to share with the world. Whatevs! I just heard that Kody still goes here..WHAT THE EFF?! LOL I had no clue, thought that kid got the boot awhile back. Ha, that just shows how much I know.
These past few weeks I've been so incredibly sick. My back has been killing me, & when I'm not puking, I'm constantly feeling like I want to; My hands are continuously shaking, & I can't NOT move my legs. Oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've felt this way, it's just the first time it's lasted this long. My head feels like its being drilled into from both sides, but I don't have a headache? I don't know what to do, I don't know what's wrong & that leaves me feeling slightly uneasy. Ughh, I suppose I'll suck it up & truck on.
Today I had a meeting with the "TPA Panel", & to sum it all up it's come to that point that I need to decide whether or not I really want this. Indeed, I want it, but how bad? How bad do I really want to see myself succeed? How far can I really push myself? I want to push myself hard enough so that its a challenge, but not so far that I break. If that makes any sense. What now? Welp, I've made the decision to stay and to try; now it's left up to me to prove it.
Every Wednesday evening from 7:15-9:30pm I do a Folk Dancing class, might I add that everyone in the class is at least over the age of 50 and can definately order off the senior citizen menu at Denny's. Sooo after that I went to a suprise birthday party for Melissa and I didn't leave Melissa's until about 3 or 4am; then I woke up at 7am! Oh & to make matters worse, I drank a 32oz energy drink around 1am! So once I was home, I didn't actually fall asleep until about 5! I'm DEAD EXHAUSTED RIGHT NOW!
Today is my granny's 60th birthday. I've been around this woman for my entire life, almost on a daily basis, and I didn't even realize she was turning 60. I definately thought she was turning 56 or 57. Obviously I was wrong & I hate that the one day everyone and their mother wants to hang out with me, it's my grandmas birthday. Eh, she isn't doing anything for it today, so I suppose it doesn't quite effect my social life. LOL thats horrible, no I'm going to stay home and just cater to her, its the least I can do.
A hungry need is a dangerous need. Some of us need to be appreciated; some of us are "hungry" to be like and valued; some of us are "hungry" to belong to someone & feel special. If you try to find intimacy with another person before doing the hard work of achieving a sense of indentity on your own, all your relationships will become a painful attempt to complete yourself. Many people today share their bodies because they're afraid to share themselves.
How much you put into a dating relationship will determine how much it will hurt when it ends.
Went to Church On The Hill today, finally! I havn't gotten the chance to go to church in awhile. Okay, well, that's not completely true. I have gone, just not to MY church; so there is a difference. Ha, I was plenty late, later than I normally am. So late that I missed most of the message, but all that matters is I was there, right? No. Eh, whatevs, I'll just go next week and show up on time. Today we are celebrating Shauntel's birthday at our house. ITS GOING TO BE CRAZY! I'm really excited for it though! <3
- Appreciate guy's battle against lust. - The less you date, the more attractive you are to the RIGHT guys. - At all costs, avoid drama. - Hear what he means when he talks to you, not always what he says. - If what your showing isn't on the menu, keep it covered. -Don't smother him by acting like you want to be with him 24/7. -Guys need modesty from girls they date, even though (inside their animal brains) they don't always act like they want it. -Never become so pre-occupied with who you want that you forget to be who you are.
This week has been so shitty. And its only Tuesday! Ughh! Lost a loved one, my phone was stolen, might've broken my finger, lost the one ring that means the most to me, favorite bracelet broke, car broke down..TWICE, got in the worst argument with my grandma, sun burned? && got in trouble at school. Like what else can go wrong? Really! I'm so just ready to move away and never have to worry about coming back to Oregon. England, here I come. Sooner than later would be best, but unfortunately I'm only 17. I have about a year left.
I'm nervous to sing tomorrow. Although it's not very many people, actually so little people that it can't even be called a crowd, I'm still super nervous. As if there is going to be a stadium full of folks to watch Alex and I sing. Music & singing are a huge part of my life, its how I express myself; so to me, this isn't just singing, it's expressing myself, sharing parts of me that not many people have gotten the chance to see. Welp, like my mum always says, "there's a first time for everything!" I hope they enjoy it.
Trying to help Kathy look for music right now. And I have to do at least 30 minutes of Spanish today. I'm not diggin this at all. I no longer have an internship with Willamette, and ughh that sort of bothers me. But its whatever, I suppose. The song Sexy Chick is playing in my ear right now, personally I'm not a fan of this song at all. Oh, new song... Its... Bang Bang by Dr.Dre hahahaha odd. I don't listen to this music very often, so I find it amusing that tons of it is coming on now.
Prom is next weekend, well for SSHS. I wanted to go, but looks like I won't be attending this year. Or any year for that matter. I don't really care anymore I guess. My entire high school career has pretty much been ruined. My parents pulled me out of my natural habitat I guess you could say, and now I barely have the time to hang out with my friends, and I'm hardly in the loop not to mention I'm missing out on so many amazing things at school. But whatevers, life is gay right now. But it goes on..
From My Journal to Your Head
If you're in high school or early college, chances are it won't last. If you don't realize that your dating won't last, you will give away far too much emotional, mental & physical energy to keep it going! Puppy love often leads to a dog's life. Since the beginning of time, our human nature has been attracted to what we can't quite have or do.
It's only when we compulsively don't need someone that we can have a real relationship with them
. There are no short-outs to personal growth & wholeness.
If you try to complete yourself through another person before you do the hard work of cultivating strong self-esteem on your own, every relationship will eventually end with disappointment & pain. Every relationship will be an unconcious apptempt to complete yourself.
The weaker sex is really the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex
. True freedom isn't the right to do what you want instead it's the power to do what you should. For me, I've grown to realize that when Jesus is all I have, He'll be all I need.
Heather Marie Evans! One of my favorite people in the world. I've only known her since summerish of 2008, but since the moment we met, we've been pretty close eversince. This is no joke, after the first day we met, we spent EVERYDAY together up until about four months later when she left for Iraq :/ She has been gone for two years, and today she finally comes back! I'm so excited to see her again, when she left she cut most of her hair off, and I've been keeping updated with her appearence through pictures, and it seems as though her hair has grown back or started to. Ah! I don't know, today is going to be a good day if I see Heather.
Running the race like a rat in cage, getting no where but I'm trying. Forging ahead, but I'm stuck in this bed that I made, so I'm laying. As I glance upon the "foam" that's 40 feet beneath my feet, the coldest calm falls through the molten veins. Cooling all the blood to slush that congeals around again. I saw Cinderella in a party dress, she was looking for a nightgown & I saw the devil wrapping up his hands, getting ready for the showdown..You saw the minute that I turned away, I got my money on a pawn tonight.
To many things I havn't done yet, to many sunsets I havn't seen. Can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down. You would've thought by now I'd learn something. Do the bad thing, take off your wedding ring. But it won't make it that much easier, it'll only make it worse. Love of mine, someday you will die but I'll be close behind.Cause I've had my share of take care & goodbyes. I'll follow you into the dark. No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands claps so tight waiting for the hint of a spark.
Killing us one by one, in one way or another. America will find a way to eliminate the problem, one by one & one by one we are being wiped off the face of this Earth; at an extremely alarming rate & whats more alarming is the fact the we're not fighting back. Made to feel inferior, but we're superior; lets break the chains in our brains that have made us fear you. Pledge a legiance to a flag that neglects us. Honor a man that who refuses to respect us. Emmancipation, proclamation, Please? Son, I pray to God he hears you.
I'm so pumped for this weekend, if it turns out the way its suppose to. Next weekend too! Tomorrow is prom, and I'm slightly nervous about it, just because I'm going to SSHS prom & obviously I don't attend that school anymore; not to mention people havn't seen me hardly at all. So I think it could go two ways, either really good and super fun OR really awkward and not how I wanted it to go. Tonight I'm going to Silverton to hang out with some friends that I rarely get to see. Annnnd yeah, should be a decent time.
Whack! Crack! The smash of the bat upside my head jolts me refreshingly back into reality. Here in this sidewalk sewer I swim amidst my blood as the bullies blow up my arms like rubber inflatables polka dotted with repeated indents of their boney fists. I am cold as the night paddles across the horizon and wraps me in a towel of obscurity. Where is the lifeaurd to save me from my passive drowning? My planks are drawn by sewer rats and they gnash against my flesh, tiny jaws quickly cease and scatter as light flashes and permeates my senses.
Oh sometimes, I think that I'm crazy. I think that I'm nothing when you're away. Oh and sometimes, I know that I'm far off; I know that I'm way off, tonight. Tonight we will fly. I see the stars and the moon, I see that your eyes are blue next to mine. Sometimes, I see the world in shades, trees are all tall, with leaves, they pound out. I've always found myself to be everything that I shouldnt be. I'm so sure that I'd bet the world I will be the last one to heaven.
Questions for all your answers, lies for every truth that you don't know. Begining to think that lately they dont understand me; I've outgrown my soul, heaven be my home. Another place in time, another day alone in this fear. Im finally finding that we'll never be the same. I can't control the infestion sick & mortified therapy patient. Where will I go if I cant see? Is there something better than just what we know in this dark reality? You're taking control. You're under my skin. You're threading the needle that will pierce my soul, to fix whats been broken.
A weeks worth of time, I spent it on a hill & a couple of hot drinks. I'm not alone, I'm sitting by the fire looking at the lights above. Darling, I'm sinking, ever so softly in love. I walked up to that hill with, a couple of close friends & I'm not alone, finally, after the summer is gone. I'm sinking ever so softly into you. Fill my memories with the sounds of this place while the fires light is shimmering across your face...
&& Let us take thy hand back to the room where it all began.
My Favorite Verse: Jesus answered, "I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father's name speak for me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." -John 10:25-30
Last night, this guy came to the Sonic drive-thru & while ordering his food, he was acting extremely weird & slightly awkward. Well, this guy pulls up to the window & before paying for his order he added something that he had forgotten I suppose, haha well after he did that all of the sudden, this girl pops her head up from out of his lap & says "I said a strawberry limeade, not powerade", then immediately puts her head back into his lap. At that point so many thoughts were flying through my head & I was at a complete loss of words!
Happy Birthday to Sarah Marie Heinz :) This one is for you:
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
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