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damn, it's only just after 5 and it's getting dark already. i hate it when the time changes. it's like a harbinger of doom. four more months of darkness. it's dark when you get up, dark when you go to work, dark when you go home... at least for the next couple of weeks it will still be light enough to run in the mornings. not that i actually ran this morning, mind you. maybe tomorrow. i really have to get serious for richmond. only 12 days to go now, and i am not sure i'm ready. i'm getting scared.
election day. damn, i wish i could vote. somehow my donations, bumper sticker and sign in the yard just don't seem like enough now. even though my vote probably wouldn't make a blind bit of difference in this republican state, it would have been nice to cast it anyway. this way i feel rather helpless somehow. is this how disenfranchised people oppressed by dictatorships in countries around the world feel all the time? it's not a pleasant feeling. on the other hand, i have been delighted to find several like minded people in my office today! i didn't expect that.
100 seems today to be a cruelly arbitrary number of words to have to write. part of me wants to spew my anger, disappointment, incredulity and fear over what the american voting public have achieved. i don't know how many times today i repeated the phrase "the ramifications are frightening." then again, i remember that i have no right to complain; i couldn't vote, and it's my own fault. which is why the other part of me wants to sit and sulk in sullen silence. in the immortal words of forest gump: "that's all i have to say about that."
the colleague who shares my cubicle space is a muslim. and it's ramadan right now, which means that he can't eat or drink anything until sundown each day. that thought is practically inconceivable to me as i drink and snack all day long. occasionally i'll make it on good friday but still drink water throughout the day. how does he do it? i usually eat breakfast, lunch and snacks at my desk. the smell of food must bother him, and during these few weeks i feel really guilty doing so. i know there's no need to, but i do anyway.
what do you do when someone tells a story you asked them not to repeat? and tells it to a semi anonymous cyberworld? if reaching through the computer screen to strangle said person is not an option? i was furious beyond belief; i have watched her betray so many others and yet through some twisted loyalty kept giving her infinite second chances. well that was it. today was the final straw. she no longer exists for me. i have blocked her from my messenger list and will ignore any and all emails and posts from here on out. i'm done.
windows. double hung, sliding, louver, casement. low e, argon gas, double glazed. vinyl frames, pure vinyl, not recycled of course. see this double mylar layer? the harder the wind blows, the tighter the seal. (but what if it's bitterly cold and the wind isn't blowing?) and watch how they flip out for easy cleaning. and here's a safety catch so your child can't fall out. of course we do custom sizing, custom installation. and we'd have to remove all traces of the last windows. price? double your budget. but if you don't get them, you have only yourself to blame.
today was such a fantastic day. the weather was perfect and it was great to have all my local ww friends here. i started out the day with a very fast 6 mile run. i managed to maintain an 11:40 pace throughout. of course, my heart rate at one stage was at 101% of my theoretical maximum. how did i manage that? but back to the gathering. i was too busy playing hostess to talk to everyone as much as i wanted to, which was a shame, as they are all such dear people who mean a lot to me.
i'm amazed at how fast the weather turned. yesterday was gorgeous, and today was just SO cold. i'm glad i had a jacket in my car as the wait for the metro could've been ugly without it. and of course the wandering around looking for my friend's new apartment in arlington. we had such a cozy evening though. lasagna and brussels sprouts for dinner and yummy cheesecake for dessert. and endless cups of vanilla honey bush tea. not to mention great conversation. i hate that schedules get in the way of spending time with people you like to be around.
a VERY cold two mile run this morning. i should be trying to get used to the much colder weather but it's not fun. the worst part was the wind; i think i could've handled it if it had been cold with no wind. my ears were frozen and when that happens i get a headache and feel sorta sick. so today was not the greatest. the weekend is supposed to be cold too. upper 30's on race day morning. i'll have to dig out some of my warmer gear as shorts and a tank top probably won't do it.
my heart is pounding. i can literally feel it beating in my throat. another one of those clichés i didn't believe until it happened to me. i wonder if this is a panic attack? except i feel too calm and rational. i've been thinking about the race again (it seems it's all that occupies my mind these days!) and have had another one of those "kicked in the gut" (as opposed to butterflies in the tummy) feelings. deep breaths. i know i can do this. well, i don't know i can do it, but i'm going to do it anyway.
in honor of my friend peg, and in memory of her mother, who died on september 6, 2004, while waiting for a donor liver.
love you pegs!
this is the text of the silkscreen i'm having put on my shirt for the marathon, along with a picture of pegs with her mom and her sisters. she told me she cried when she read it, and i cried when she told me that. i know i will be an emotional jellyfish on race day. i'll probably lose more salt through tears than through sweat!! i need more gatorade please...
this is not an auspicious start to my marathon weekend. it took us 3 hours in pouring rain and horrendous traffic to drive the 100 miles from home to richmond. we found our hotel in a seedy part of town, and all they had left were stinky smoking rooms. i twisted my ankle reaching for the button in the elevator (how did i manage to do that?) and later when stepping out of the shower i slipped on the wet floor and fell on my ass. (how did i manage to do THAT?). it's still pouring and i can't sleep.
I DID IT! i ran (and walked) 26.2 miles! i am a marathoner!!! my friend teri said it gives you the feeling you can do anything. she is SO right. i could write thousands upon thousands of words about today, but nothing would quite capture the emotions and feelings of the day. it was cold and windy, the race was hard, and the lee bridge was the toughest mile i've ever run. but it was glorious and inspring and fun. and mile 18 and 19 in my solitude i thought a lot about peggy's mom and felt her with me.
i am so sore. i thought i would sleep like a log last night, but instead i woke every time i tried to move. how can rolling over in bed require prior planning and a three step maneuver? we went to the pool today, swam a few laps and soaked in the whirlpool. i felt much better right afterwards, but now i'm stiff again. i have gained a valuable insight into what it must be like to be old or disabled and have to take care sitting, standing or climbing stairs. thank god my pain will go away again soon!
i put in an eleven hour day today, for a man who didn't even remember my marathon. ok, maybe it's not a big deal to anyone else, but it is to me, and i would've liked him to say SOMETHING. for god's sake, i was limping and wearing my marathon shirt, how many more clues did he need? finally i said something, i couldn't help myself. his response? "the marathon was this weekend? i thought this was the weekend you were going to canada." he's so wrapped up in work that he doesn't even see life going on around him.
g emailed me this morning. she said she had heard a song on the radio and decided that it would be the perfect song for her to sing at our wedding. it got me all choked up. i would be so excited if she sang for us! a year from now we should be home free. how wonderful it will be to be able to call him my husband, instead of boyfriend, partner, lover... i wasted half the morning looking at wedding websites, even though it's way too early to plan right now. i'm just a romantic fool i guess.
i wanted to type out the words to the poem "invictus" by william earnest henley, but it has 103 words so that didn't work. it's one of my favorite poems. i first recall hearing it in the ninth grade, on some made for tv movie. i even copied it down and wrote it into my journal. i had all but forgotten it when it came to light again when the convicted oklahoma city bomber quoted it just before his execution. that connection has bothered me ever since. was he the master of his fate? am i the master of mine?
well, i'm packing up again, this time for the big move downstairs tomorrow. this time i really do have to pack, and i wish i had been slightly more diligent the first time around in getting rid of trash. i know i'm going to have a few boxes of "miscellaneous" which sounds ever so much better than "junk" but essentially means i should've done more cleaning out this week. why am i such a pack rat? why do i keep the crap in the first place? i wish someone could teach me how to be ruthless in throwing stuff out.
when i awake, my first conscious thought is of you. i love rolling over and saying "good morning sweetie" and giving you that first kiss of the day. i love our few minutes of snuggling before you finally climb out of bed and head to the bathroom. i look forward to 10 every morning because i know the phone's about to ring with you on the line. i smile as i pull into the driveway every evening, knowing i'll be greeted with a kiss. and when we go to bed, i love feeling warm and safe with you beside me.
we had the umpire clinic today. i'm good on the theory but am afraid i will suck when i have to actually do it. i can memorize rules all you like. but i don't know the game, and i don't see things as fast as i should.
on a separate note, i ate three krispy kreme donuts, wanted to eat four. then we had a healthy lunch at applebee's, followed by fries and milkshakes at the 29 diner in the middle of the afternoon because we were starving. maybe tomorrow will be a little better. have you heard that before?
a frustrating afternoon. he wanted me to shadow him while he umpired. he called the first game while i watched. the second game he made me call. the very first time i blew the whistle i made a mistake. it went downhill from there and if we hadn't been in the middle of the field hockey pitch, we may have had a full blown fight. he forgets that i've watched all of eight field hockey matches in my LIFE, while he grew up with it and knows it inside out. he has way more confidence in me than i do.
today i went for my first run since the marathon. i actually wanted to run on the weekend, but events conspired against me. i didn't run far at all, not even two miles, and it certainly wasn't a great run. i got that "i need to go to the toilet" feeling so hightailed it back home. it's weird. i felt like i had lost all sense of pace and timing. i was actually out of breath on the way home and had to walk even though i was desperate for the bathroom. i hope i get the rythym back soon.
riley is being taken off life support this afternoon. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT! why did she have to be born so early, before she had any kind of chance to survive? why did she survive for 5 days, giving everyone more and more hope, only to have it taken away from us? why have her parents had so many problems when there are teenagers who get pregnant without trying, and drug addicts who kill their own children? and why, why does it have to be now, right before thanksgiving? what the hell is there to be thankful for?
well, it's typical. i was supposed to leave here at 1, and it's 1:45 and i'm waiting to get final approval of the last thing to send out so i can go. i was supposed to go to lunch with him and his mom and aunt. but i've just talked to him on the phone, and they got einstein bagels about an hour or two ago, so they aren't really all that hungry. thank god, but it will mean dinner out tonight as they want to take us out. question is, where to go? the old ladies hardly eat anything...
happy thanksgiving! today i am thankful for the love of my life, who makes me smile just when i think of him (i'm smiling now), the good food we had on our dinner table, the good friends who joined us for thanksgiving day, the home that is all ours (well the mortgage is all ours i guess), health, happiness... so many things really, to be thankful for. there are many people in this world worse off than i am. it's easy to forget that sometimes. today is the day to remember. i'll read back to today next time i'm crabby.
how is it possible that we were at kohl's this morning when they opened their doors at 5:30? i don't even love shopping all that much. but the old ladies thought it would be fun to do the thanksgiving friday sales. never mind that we went to k-mart yesterday. we had to be among the first through the door this morning. we found some decent deals, although maybe not as good as last year's. after kohl's it was on to walmart, where he bought me an electric toothbrush and i bought him an electric razor. where has the romance gone?
if someone had told me yesterday that i'd end up being awake for 24 hours straight and spending 12 of those in an emergency room, i would've freaked. but as it happens, you just deal with it. we went to the doctor's office yesterday afternoon because he had pains in his leg and chest. she feared a pulmonary embolism and rushed him off in an ambulance. they did test after test after test... "if this one is clear you can go" and they finally let us leave just after 4. we got to bed exactly 24 hours after getting up.
still processing yesterday. there aren't enough words, and at the same time i can't find words to say. the worst part was walking into the house, clutching his sweater (they took it off to hook him to the machines) and having to tell his aging mother that her first born and most precious had been taken to the hospital in an ambulance with chest pains. she was very stoic though and not hysterical as i had feared. i'm also surprised at my own lack of reaction. maybe just because he did such a good job of downplaying it, as always.
he took the ladies to the airport this evening. i must confess i'm relieved. it has been a tough long weekend. i'm emotional and hormonal and crabby. i almost bit their heads off a couple of times at the outlet mall yesterday afternoon and had to go and carry bags to the car just to cool down a bit. and i almost cried last night when they said they were taking us out for dinner AGAIN, because it meant we had to throw the thanksgiving leftovers away. i could've frozen them on thursday if i'd known nobody would want them.
yikes, a 27 page translation. german to english. this is going to be fun. even when i was completely fluent, my translation skills weren't the greatest. i found that when i lived in germany i pretty much thought in german and flipped from one language to the other without thinking how i did it. and having to equate a word in one language to its counterpart in the other was never my strong point. it's going to take me hours to do this thing. but my boss has every confidence in me. or he sees me as a revenue stream!
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