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in three weeks and one day we leave for christmas, and i am 15.6 lbs overweight. how have i let this happen? i know the answer. laziness, willfull disregard of all that is healthy and good for me, gluttonous orgies of candy and potato chips, total lack of exercise; in essence, completely turning my back on the way of life that got me to a size 6. WHY?!?!? on the one hand i care and am so angry with myself. yet on the other hand i don't. my clothes don't fit me and i'm still not doing anything about it.
i took my love to the airport tonight. this is the first of many trips he and i have in the next several weeks. i can't wait until our lives are our own again. he'll be in toronto through tuesday night, and with luck, when he gets back, he'll have his new visa and we'll be all set for the next several years. i'm looking forward to spending the weekend there too. for now though, it's a nice change to just have the house to myself and be able to relax and not have to do anything all evening long.
toronto is cool. well freezing cold actually, but also cool. i came in on the bus from the airport and walked the five blocks to the hotel, so looked around as i walked. it's mostly like an american city, but with a slightly european flair. would the canadians appreciate that analysis? probably not... we had dinner at a greek restaurant tonight. not as good as the one i used to go to in germany, but good. and there were dozens of other ethnic restaurants to choose from. it is going to be a great weekend for food, that's for sure!
dinner tonight was so disappointing. the restaurant came recommended. but they screwed up my order, and when i asked for the correct food, they simply never brought it. i kept thinking it would be right out. but then a family with an obnoxious child sat behind me, and when the noise got too much, we left. as i had had the soup and spring roll, the restaurant tried to charge us for it! so we used the credit card that doesn't work in canada. finally they did it manually. we didn't leave a tip. but i'm still disappointed, and hungry.
maybe toronto wasn't as cool as i thought. the bus tour we did yesterday really only served to highlight that the city was not all that spectacular. if you have to have cold winters, give me boston any day. and the shopping was ok but not great (the sales tax all but cancels out the difference in the exchange rate). however, that said, i did find a lovely quilted vest (pink) that i know i'm going to love wearing, and we found a fantastic teapot with a removable basket for the tea leaves. now that almost made the trip worthwhile.
what is wrong with me? i am moody, bitchy, irrational, i am feeling TOTALLY overwhelmed by work and life, i feel like i'm being pulled in 100 different directions, i find myself getting irritated at people for the littlest things. i have zero motivation, and it's almost like i'm afraid to start any tasks. i just keep putting them off indefinitely until they are urgent or overdue, and then i have nightmares about them and wake at 4am and stare at the ceiling until it's time to get up, by which time i'm exhausted and drag myself through the day.
this too? this morning's unofficial weigh in showed me at 147.2, a full 17lbs over goal and more than 20 over my lowest weight this summer. my clothes hardly fit any more, i refuse to buy any bigger ones, but i'm not doing what it takes to lose the weight again. i am disgusted with myself and really mad at myself (TOTALLY negating all the lectures i give to newbies about not being disgusted with yourself...) but still continuing the bad habits. i just don't feel like i'm in control of any aspect of my life, and that worries me.
the company annual meeting is in full swing this week. we had the lunch for everyone today. of course i got there late as i was back in the office finishing things up for my boss. he always says a few words. he did a pretty good job, especially considering his typed notes were handed to him a minute before he spoke. he handed out the five year anniversary gifts too, while i coached him on who half the people were. i feel that the boss should at least know all his employees. but maybe that's what i'm there for.
the office holiday party was tonight. the setting was gorgeous, the food was delicious, and there was a "chocolate fountain" to die for. and the "choir" sang a hilarious year end summary song. but otherwise the routine was the same. small talk with a few, then the members of each little clique gravitating towards each other. we sat with friends and made fun of people at other tables. i don't understand why people think it's good to get drunk at an office party. they make total fools of themselves. i only did it once, and that was more than enough.
after an afternoon of high drama, trying to get out of work on time for my flight to new york, the damn flight was delayed. not once, but several times. each time they announced the next delay, i called sam in her office. finally at 10:15 when the plane wasn't expected to leave until 11:45 and land close to 1am, i called and rescheduled for the morning. there's no way i could expect sam to pick me up in the middle of the night. i'm now booked on an 8:30 flight that lands at lga at 10. much more civilized.
my stomach is in knots. i'm sitting all alone in this stupid pub in the village, waiting to defend myself against the people who don't seem to think i've done a good enough job in the past 2 years that i've had to singlehandedly lead the club. part of me feels really defensive. but part of me acknowledges that i do need the help. why is it that i take needing help as a sign of weakness or failure? why do i have this foolish idea that the only way i can prove myself is by doing it all alone????
what a relief! we drew the match today, the atmosphere in the pub was electric, we're top of the league (and having a laugh), but more importantly (to me anyway), yesterday's meeting was really, really good. sitting there alone yesterday, i had resolved to resign. but i didn't. instead, olive branches were extended, hatchets were buried and peace was made. i think that we have several people really committed to moving forward. so many good ideas were discussed. i feel so much better than i did 24 hours ago. it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
back off plan. again. between waiting all night at the airport on friday, and indulging in new york delicacies on saturday and sunday, here i find myself yet again on monday morning with my carefully laid plans all fucked up again. and of course i know i won't do anything about it. until wednesday, when i'll get back on the scale, cry when i see the number, resolve to do better, while knowing deep in my heart that i won't. where's the girl who tried so hard and succeeded this spring? and why won't she come out to play now?
do i really want to lose the weight? or more to the point, do i really want to do it badly enough that i will truly do what it takes? i remember looking at myself naked in the mirror in zurich in october and thinking what a fat cow i was. i'm at least five pounds heavier than that now. but that motivation still isn't kicking in. my clothes are tight. pretty soon they won't fit. i waver between this desire to look and feel as good as i did in the summer, and to just eat myself into oblivion.
i had lunch today with a friend who used to work in our office. she loved her new job when she started, but i think some of the shine is gone from it. in her spare time she has started a catering business. i'm on her email mailing list, so i get regular emails about the different cookies she's making and selling. i feel guilty that i never order from her, but i know what i'd do to a batch of cookies, and it wouldn't be pretty. but we had a nice lunch and a good chat. i've missed her.
i am so looking forward to this weekend, mostly because we don't have anything planned. well we do have one thing, but compared to most weekends, that's pretty damn good. we aren't traveling anywhere, we have nothing we have to go to, except dinner with friends on sunday night. and that will be a pleasure. we missed their christmas party as it was the same weekend we were in toronto, so it will be nice to just have a relaxing evening with them. and they're deep frying a turkey, which should be a fairly interesting experience in and of itself.
ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. i did my pilates video yesterday for the first time in at least two months and today i feel like mari winsor beat me around the ribs with a tire iron. it hurt to get out of bed this morning. it hurts to laugh, it hurts to sneeze!! why oh why don't i just stay in shape. it's so much easier than trying to get back there. you'd think after running a marathon i could survive 50 minutes of pilates. but i feel like a beginner again, damn it! ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.
had a great run and walk with lynne today. we chatted about weddings and how to do them on a budget. she had some excellent ideas. not all of them will be possible for us, but i certainly can use some of them. it's more than a year away, but i think i do need to get started. we're going to be doing so much of it on short notice that if i have the background stuff in place, it will make life a lot easier. so much to think about! where, when, who, what… at least we know why!
every weekend should be like this. time in the morning to sleep in, followed by a leisurely lovemaking session, a few more cuddles and maybe even a bit more sleep. a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal, or toast and honey. stereo playing christmas music, laundry washing, time to write all the christmas cards, time to pop out to the shops. going for dinner on a whim before 6pm and missing the crowds. time to get some cleaning, sorting and filing done. time. what a precious, precious luxury. that is what has been missing from my life lately.
the homeless man was on the corner near the office this morning, standing outside in below freezing temperatures. i didn't have any cash but handed him my apple out the car window. i was weeping on my way into the parking garage and couldn't stand myself until i did something, so i took him a cup of coffee and gave him my fleece headband, and later i heated up my lunch and took it out to him with a package of cookies. he seemed grateful. but i still felt awful, and somehow still helpless. how can we let homelessness happen?!
this is weird. we don't leave until thursday afternoon, and it's only tuesday night, but i'm already set to go. i am completely packed, i have my clothes for tomorrow and thursday planned, and the house is mostly clean (with the remainder of the cleaning scheduled for tomorrow). something is bound to go wrong; it surely can't be this simple! well i won't worry about it, instead i'll just spend the time looking forward to the trip. i need this trip badly. a week of doing nothing and with no cell phone, no email, no presure will be just perfect.
today is the first day of the days getting longer again. i really hate winter. i don't mind snow, IF i'm skiing on it. but i hate the grey days, the darkness, the gloom. reason number 1 why i could never actually live in ireland. i know that there's a long slog to go, and i know it will be a few weeks at least until it's light when the alarm goes off in the morning. but somehow, for me, just knowing that it's getting lighter again seems to help psychologically. maybe i was a druid in a former life.
he was so furious with me. this doesn't happen often, and it makes me feel awful. just small and stupid. it's my fault really. we needed to leave for the airport by noon, but of course i was racing around doing last minute things in the office and we left a half hour late. it was pouring and of course traffic was at a standstill on the beltway. it took us the best part of two hours to get to the airport. we had to park in the hourly lot. and then of course the damn flight was delayed. TYPICAL!
well it's christmas eve. we're here safely, and even though i'm tired, it feels good. some of the excitement is gone already because we opened presents already tonight (what's left for tomorrow?), but it's still a magical time. everyone freaked out at their present from my love. he's so amazing. i am not sure what they'll ultimately do with the money, i know that some of them felt bad about taking it. but he's like that and i think his feelings would be hurt if they didn't take it. i told them they could save it for a plane ticket!
wow, it's a white christmas, the first in 40 years here. the snow must have started early this morning; there was a light dusting on the ground when we got up. and now there are just fluffy white flakes gently falling. this is how snow should always be. just pretty and soft and gentle. of course, i don't think this country has a single snow plow, so i hope the snow doesn't continue for too long. the roads will be hell. i have a suspicion that i would get serious cabin fever if stuck here more than a few days!
spent the day at the races. we went down to the track so we could watch the horses jump over the last fence. my horse was ahead most of the race but was overtaken. in trying to regain the lead, the jockey mistimed the last jump and the horse fell over the last fence. he lay there for ages, chest heaving, unable to get up. i thought they would shoot him and couldn't stop crying. thank god, he finally got up after about 10 minutes, to tumultuous applause. that for me was a bigger relief than if he had won.
i think it's almost time to leave. there's only so much i can stand. i swear his brother hates me or thinks i'm stupid or something. he never speaks directly unless it's to fire a derisory comment or criticism at me. and all week long they haven't let me help in the kitchen, but tonight when i put my teacup down on the table after the last swallow of tea, i was told nobody would be cleaning up after me! i swear i can't win. he doesn't think i should let it get to me. but how can i not?
his sister took me shopping to limerick. i didn't need anything, but i think she sensed i needed to get out of the house. but we had what was perilously close to an argument in the car, yet somehow both managed to back off. about religion of course. she thinks i'm anti catholic. i don't think i am, but i cannot agree with a religion that will never recognize the legitimacy of my marriage. for them it is part of the fabric of their being. they are as catholic as they are irish, so i can't expect them to understand.
how lucky i am that one of his sisters is one of my best friends? i knew her before i even met him, and of course she introduced us. i sometimes wonder whether she regrets that... but anyway. we woke at 6:30 this morning to drive to shannon to pick her up. too bad i only have today with her. but we had a great day in killarney, just browsing around the shops. and of course she helped me find a sparkly top to wear to the new year's eve party. how do i ever manage to shop without her?
how many hours can you spend in chicago airport and still stay sane? our three hour layover is turning into seven. our flight has been pushed back six times and is now scheduled to leave at 11. that's 5 am ireland time. i am exhausted. i'm beyond exhausted. i can barely see to write. at this rate we'll be home at 3, which will be 24 hours after we got up. and this is all because of some low clouds. surely they would have better systems in place? i can understand major storms, etc. but low clouds? come on people.
very late night, very early morning. we were both wide awake this morning 5 minutes before the alarm went off at 7:30. which meant not even five hours sleep. in a way though, i think it was better than being woken by the alarm. and it has been such a beautiful day. the weather is unseasonably warm. we had a very productive time in berkeley springs, and we saw a couple of decent properties. i think i'm getting sick though. my throat is tickling and i have been sneezing a lot today. that would be typical, coming back from holiday.
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