10/01 Direct Link
There is a part of me that no one ever sees. A part that I hide deep below my cool, composed facade. An inner insecurity beneath a veil of confidence and self-worth. The world never knows thee turmoil that spirals endlessly within my mind.

Of course, we all have secrets. But most people have someone they can trust, someone with whom to share even a small fraction of their great big secrets so they don't need to bear those burdens alone.

I don't. There is no one in my life I can trust. The secrets just grow. And destroy.
10/02 Direct Link
It's easy to share secrets with people you trust. Sometimes, it's even easier to share them with strangers. I remember sharing some of my hopes and fears with the woman next to me on that eastbound airplane. Why? Because she was there, because she was willing to listen, because I was never going to see her again.

Similarly, I reveal parts of myself to strangers via electronic means that I'd never share with anyone face to face. Why is it so much easier to open up to strangers?

Strangers can judge me, just like acquaintances can. But I'll never know.
10/03 Direct Link
I want to tell him how much I miss him - how much I miss his friendship, how much I miss spending time with him. I want to tell him just how much he really meant to me.

But how can I put myself out there like that? How can I reveal those details when I don't have any idea how he feels about me?

I can't do it. If he rejects me, then life becomes increasingly awkward. If he admits to harboring similar feelings, then I'm bound to mess things up down the road - or he's bound to hurt me.
10/04 Direct Link
I don't know if I can blame them for what they did. They were only kids, they didn't understand. They didn't know what it was like to be different.

But I was just a kid too. We were all kind of weird - but I had a different kind of weirdness. It was subtle, perhaps, but I could never be like them - all the petty things they talked about, all the petty things they cared about. Didn't they realize there was a world out there beyond The Backstreet Boys?

I couldn't understand them, they didn't care to understand me. The end.
10/05 Direct Link
I saved lives today - up to three of them. At least, that's what the American Red Cross tells me. I've been a more or less regular blood donor since I started college, after a traumatic first donation at 16 years old when I ended up passing out in front of the entire junior class at my high school.

I don't quite trust the phlebotomists who need to mark off where my fairly robust veins are, when even I couldn't miss them. But I keep coming back, as often as I can.

Really, I'm just in it for the free cookies.
10/06 Direct Link
It only took one word. Something so simple to utter, so simple to understand.


I didn't mean it. I meant the exact opposite. But in that moment, my mind spinning, that darling red-headed boy who always made me smile, looking at me, asking me that question, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth.

I spent that evening on the shore of the bay, tossing rocks, wishing I had been able to admit how I felt about him, wondering if there was any way to make up for it.

But I was a shy, awkward eighth grader.
10/07 Direct Link
I don't understand people sometimes. I know a girl who is shamelessly, openly, dating two guys simultaneously. Each knows about the other, each professes his love to her, each is convinced that he's going to marry her some day.

Meanwhile, I spend my evenings along in bed, reminiscing. I can't even get one guy interested enough in me to want to go out with me, except of course for the ones I don't want.

Am I too selective? Really, what's wrong with hoping to stumble into the arms of a nice, funny, adventurous, intelligent guy?

Will I always be alone?
10/08 Direct Link
Hey there, three AM. Long time, no see. How has life been treating you?

Oh, I know, I've missed you too. But why must we keep meeting like this? Why must it always be surrounded by textbooks, review sheets, and pages of notes? Can't we just have a normal relationship?

I see. Yes, that is quite unfortunate. I understand; so many people simply sleep through you. So many people give you nary a thought.

Of course. You know, I'd love to stay and chat - but there is studying to be done, and - if I'm lucky - sleep to be slept. Goodnight.
10/09 Direct Link
Tears sprang to my eyes when the song started playing on the radio, blurring my vision such that I was grateful that few other vehicles were nearby. It wasn't a sad song. But it reminded me of him.

I was on my way to anywhere; the destination was less important than the journey. I was trying to escape my thoughts, my frustrations. I was looking for a freedom, a break from the emotions that were running rampant.

And yet, somehow, he found me. Thousands of miles separate us, but he's never far from my mind.

Does he even remember me?
10/10 Direct Link
"I need a girlfriend," he told me. I sighed. Not again, I thought. That's why you're still single.

I didn't say that. But, really, how could he not understand that girls can smell desperation from a mile away? How could he not realize that we don't like being looked upon as mere objects to augment his self esteem?

What he doesn't understand is that females often have other options. What he never realized was that I had another option. An option who treated me like a woman, a human, who both pushed my limits and respected them.

I'm not sorry.
10/11 Direct Link
This is it. Right here, right now. This is your life. Is this really who you want to be?

I wish I knew who I wanted to be. I wish I knew if this is what I really want. Surely, this isn't what I want forever - but, for now, perhaps it will do. I'll struggle onward, fight through the monotony, and tomorrow I'll wake up. Tomorrow I'll be who I've always wanted to be. Tomorrow I'll be happy.

Or maybe the day after that. Or next week, or next year, or ten years from now.

Meanwhile, life leaves me behind.
10/12 Direct Link
Remember me?

I'm that girl you teased incessantly before you knew any better.

I'm the crazy aunt you avoided at family gatherings who wore too much makeup but had more adventures than the whole family combined.

I'm that young man, standing on the edge, who you forgot so easily.

I'm the stranger you passed on the road, your eyes so actively avoiding my own when all I needed was a smile.

I'm that old man with the sad eyes, who you pitied rather than tried to understand.

I am everything you ran away from, everyone you judged unfairly - remember me?
10/13 Direct Link
WAIT! Stop. Don't. Can't. Won't. Shouldn't. Slow down. Forget. Stagnate. Wonder. Hate. Ignore. Deny. Let go. Give up. Hide. Surrender. Renounce. Deplore. Inhibit. Avoid. Undermine. Break down. Fail. Withhold. Run away. Squander. Grieve. Hoard. Destroy.

What are our words? Are they our actions? Are they our thoughts?

Go. Start. Do. Can. Will. Should. Speed up. Remember. Thrive. Discover. Love. Listen. Accept. Hold on. Push forward. Reveal. Struggle. Acknowledge. Revel. Promote. Seek. Cooperate. Build up. Succeed. Give. Stand tall. Utilize. Revel. Share. Create.

The answer? Make your words your actions. Make them your thoughts.

What kind of person will YOU be?
10/14 Direct Link
There are three kinds of guys that seem to come through my life. First, there is the safe guy who is so soft-spoken, or placid, or docile, that there is just no way he could ever hurt me. He is safe, because there is no risk, because I could very easily just push him around and always get my way.

He's a problem for a few reasons. First, I'm not the kind of girl who can take control in a relationship. Second, I'm bound to end up hurting him at some point. Third, everything would always stay the same.
10/15 Direct Link
Second, there are the guys who are safe because my every instinct tells me he's not good for me. He is the untrustworthy, pushy, shifty, sometimes-adventurous but all around "bad" guy - the kind of guy who I'd never let get close enough to hurt me.

He is a problem because I can't trust him, because I will never be able to bring myself to trust him. Though we may have fun from time to time, though he may push me to do wonderfully exciting things, it will always be superficial; there can be no deeper connection, no long term.
10/16 Direct Link
Third, there are the dangerous guys. The danger, however, lies not in a "bad boy" attitude or a tendency to engage in borderline-illegal activities. Rather, he's dangerous because he isn't like that - because he's strong and adventurous, gentle and disarming. Alarmingly disarming.

He's a problem because I want to trust him, and because I know how often my trust has been betrayed. He's the kind of guy that I'd run away with, who makes my heart skip a beat, who could hurt me more than anyone else if I let him in.

But he's also exactly what I need.
10/17 Direct Link
I dreamt of the boy with the adorable smile the other night - he slipped his hand into mine, I snuggled up next to him. That was all. I felt safe there. Too quickly, though, it was over; too quickly, he was gone. Just like he was in reality the brief few weeks of whirlwind emotion, that feeling of comfort, that abrupt separation. Time passes, memories fade away, the feelings become harder and harder to recall. Dreams disappear.

I wonder if he even remembers me now. I wonder if he thinks about me, if Im in his dreams.

Wake up.
10/18 Direct Link
All it takes.

A word, a smile, a nod.
Some acknowledgment?
Some awareness?

Am I so invisible?
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me?

Fight. Struggle. Strive.
Make them understand.
Make him understand?

Who am I?
Am I truly myself?
What is this disguise I wear?

For I am simply a mask
Hiding behind a shadow of a doubt
Creeping deeper and deeper into the night

You follow me
You know where I've been
You've been where I've been

Yet you wait
You watch.
Where are you?

Let me go. Let me give up. Let me hide.

Forget me.
10/19 Direct Link
I may not have everything. But I have enough - enough food to eat, enough water to drink, enough shelter to live in, enough clothes to wear, enough money to get by from day to day.

I have a decent car to drive, I attend a decent university where I can get a decent education. I have a decent job, and decent friends, and decent pastimes.

I've no good reason to complain; I've been fortunate in life, I've had plenty of opportunities, I've rarely been deprived of the things that I need to survive.

So, then, why am I not happy?
10/20 Direct Link
Wake up. Get dressed. Grab breakfast. Go to class. Go to class. Study during lunch. Go to work. Study. Go to class. Head home. Study. Make dinner. Study. Go to a meeting. Study. Back home. Study. Study. Study. Take a shower. Brush teeth. Fall into bed. Go to sleep.

Wake up. Get dressed. Grab breakfast. Study. Study. Go to work. Study during lunch. Go to work. Study. Go to class. Go study in the library. Head home. Study. Go to practice. Back home. Make dinner. Take a shower. Study. Study. Study. Doze off. Brush teeth. Go to sleep.

Wake up
10/21 Direct Link
The sun sank swiftly behind the houses and hills, the darkness grew, and we ran round in the silver moonlight.

Have you ever played rugby under the stars? It's not exactly an easy task - the ball is but a shadow, your teammates but silhouettes.

Vision is an important sense when it comes to this sport. Seeing the ball, seeing the person you're passing to, seeing the person who is passing to you - all very important things.

Yet there is something beautiful about being cut off from such a primary sense. There is a beauty in tackling while Jupiter dances overhead.
10/22 Direct Link
A diamond is merely carbon in a rigid crystalline matrix. Admire it anyway.

A rose just produces sweet-smelling chemicals to attract insects. Smell it anyway.

The sun only sets in the west because of the Earth's angular momentum. Watch it anyway.

A rabbit is but a collection of cells arranged in accordance with its DNA. Pet it anyway.

Understanding the science of our natural world should not diminish your ability to appreciate its beauty; it should enhance it. Knowledge cannot steal your sense of wonder, it should augment it.

For the stars are simply distant fireballs - look up anyway.
10/23 Direct Link
"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while."

Was it? Was it, really? Was it worth the pain, the regret, the longing? What would we sacrifice - what awful side effects would we endure - for a few moments of happiness?

Was the passion worth the hurt it caused me? Was the pleasure worth the emotional turmoil? What would I give to just go back to before, and do things differently?

Yes, yes, and nothing.

I would like to thank you for everything: being a part of my life, holding my hand, running with me, walking away.

I miss you.
10/24 Direct Link
Papers strewn across the table, stacks of textbooks and notebooks piled high, familiar faces wander past.

The tattooed couple; he wears a Fidel Castro-type hat, her hair dyed an almost-unnatural shade of red, they come and go hand in hand.

The Asian fellow; he has a penchant for pastel colors, and offers a smile and an acknowledging nod as he passes.

The young man with gel in his hair, a biology major - always with the textbooks, the stacks of printed notes.

I've been here too long.

I need to get out.
I've got to move on.

What now?
10/25 Direct Link
There is a little garden on the other side of campus, with a little wooden bench and a little notebook for jotting down one's random - or not-so-random - thoughts.

I often frequented this spot when I had more free time, before the stress and the hassle of senior year crept up on me.

There are, I think, twenty-nine oak trees, each with a large stone next to them. Over time, the trees will grow while the rocks will weather away.

I saw a picture of it on the wall in a classroom today.

It looked like a graveyard.
10/26 Direct Link
He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

One petal left.

Damn, she thought. Lost again.

The girl threw the remains of the flower on the ground in disgust. She didn't believe in those silly superstitions anymore, of course; she didn't believe that boys had cooties anymore either. But there was something comforting about reverting back to the days when life was simple, when a daisy was enough to convince her that it was meant to be. What she wouldn't give to be young again, naive and innocent and silly!

Stupid flower. I don't believe in love, anyway.
10/27 Direct Link
Let's light up the sky, scare off the darkness, hide in the spotlights and the streetlights and the sunlight. Let's forget the dark, the scary, the unknown. Let's surround ourselves with big cities and bright lights so we never need to see the sky.
I hate society sometimes. I hate how people can't see beyond the confines of their own experience, don't look beyond the confines of their own habitat.

There's a great big universe out there, just waiting to be explored. And here we sit, worrying about the weather, holding grudges, arguing over pettiness.


The curse of humanity?
10/28 Direct Link
I was making dinner last night when my back pocket buzzed. I reached for my cell phone - which I hate owning, by the way - and read, "If you were frodo would you carry the ring to the big fire pit?"

I was all alone in the kitchen, stirring my pasta. And I literally laughed aloud reading that message. I mean, really? Who asks a question like that? Who even thinks of a question like that?

I don't mean this as an insult in any way, shape or form. What I mean is, I have awesome friends. Awesomely, wonderfully nerdy friends.
10/29 Direct Link
Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might...

You do realize that's Jupiter, right? Not a star. The big bright one in the southeastern sky - it's Jupiter.

My knowledge of the night sky is somewhat depressing for someone so fixated on looking up at it. I just don't have the head for memorizing constellations. Or, perhaps I simply lack the creativity to make a fish out of a triangle of stars. I know some of the simple ones: Orion's Belt, the Big Dipper, Cassiopeia. And planets; I am a fan of planets.
10/30 Direct Link
I was one in two hundred and fifty thousand. Brushing elbows with strangers, surrounded by a crush of humanity, completely civil and reasonable.

It was something you had to see to believe. Or simply something you had to watch on TV, I don't know. The people watching from home certainly saw and heard more of the actual performance than I did.

But I got to be a part of something. I'm not the political activist type. I'm not the kind of person who just yells my opinions at others. And that was exactly what the day was about.

Go sanity!
10/31 Direct Link
I fear they may call me heartbreaker. It isn't intentional - but I know what I want, and it's not them.

There is T, friend of a friend, who apparently quit smoking just so I would talk to him. I'm not supposed to know that, so it's hard for me to tell him that he's too immature, too arrogant, too insular for me.

Then, there's O. Still. We're friends now. I thought he was okay with being just friends. Now I'm seeing signs that he wants more, but he's still not right for me.

I should pretend to have a boyfriend.