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BY Parul

06/01 Direct Link

Opened the laptop, went for coffee, had breakfast, came back at my desk, unlocked my laptop, checked my official mails, checked my personal mails, replied to a few mails, checked the social networking sites, made my presence felt here and there.

With this the preamble was done. It was time.

But no, wait. Someone just walked by saying ‘hi’. I smiled back radiantly. Then someone started talking out loud, discussing a serious work related issue right behind me. I kept staring at a random document on my screen, stone faced. The voices are quiet now.

I opened MS Word.  Finally!

06/02 Direct Link

My life is an interweaving of what I should or shouldn't do.
And what I could or couldn't have done.
I am ever engrossed in knowing if what I am doing is right, if what I am thinking is right, if what is happening around me is right.
And that when it is a granted fact that nothing in the world is perfect.
It's a conglomeration of abberations and confusions and strong convictions on narrow premises.
One does what one does, and to say it is right or worng is to consider light as a single color or composition.

06/03 Direct Link

Life would be so cool if I knew what I wanted... or so I thought... till I didn't know what I wanted.

Now, I know what I really want to do. At least have a fair idea, and this has brought its own set of challenges.
How do I get what I want is the most basic of the questions.

And am I willing to give what it takes to do it is another of the basic questions. Then there are more complex questions, whose answers I am still figuring out.

Human aspirations and their conflicts... My brain befuddles me!

06/04 Direct Link
I am bored.
Three words, but what finality!
Once you verbally, explicitly pronouce the fact that you are bored of something or someone, that's it. Done!
Then sub consciously you give up on it. It's a closed chapter.
Like right now, I am bored of my office. And that's it. At least for today.
So, I have to drag through the hours, and whatever work is there to do. It will be lunch soon, and that is going to be a half day bell of sorts. Having spent half the time would be some respite.

Oh God! I am bored!!
06/05 Direct Link
"There's a method to my madness" he said... eyes askance, voice nervous.
But the dagger he held in his hand had the grip of a confident, sure man.
 
She was sitting crouched in a corner, wondering what had led to this. She had been ignoring all his reconciliation attempts. It had been quiet for almost a month, when his texts and calls had stopped coming.
Just when she thought it was time to move on...!

"Did I know you really?" She said between sobs of shock and fear.

He dropped the dagger and smiled.
"Relax" he said. And left quietly.

06/06 Direct Link

Some fresh graduates have joined my work place.
A few megalomaniacs are very happy that after recession there's finally a "junior" race in office who they can grow over and lead.

I am happy too, but for different reasons. I like the freshness they have got with them. In the morning, while most of us are walking towards the office from the parking area in graceful, calculated steps, planning for the day ahead, I see these kids walking past confidently and recklessly, with a palpable fervor in their gait.

Somehow, I can't remember my fresher days in the same premises.

06/07 Direct Link

I am her royal highness of Udaipur (a beautiful city in Rajasthan, India).

I woke up at 7am, stepped out of my bed and walked to the large window facing the lake. The green grass around the lake and the clean, pristine water in it always makes me feel exhilarated.

I am having my tea sitting in one of my so many gardens, reading a book. There are slight clouds in the sky, the weather is cool and a soft moist breeze is passing, caressing my hair, my skin…

I feel suspended in time… It’s a moment that’s a continuum…

06/08 Direct Link

Ever pervading, omnipresent, steely and forbidding - Silence all around, cold and brutal.
Welcome to ZombieLand.

No one talks here. When they see each other, they nod and grunt in recognition, and continue to stare blankly at their prior point of focus.

It's not a fitting place for living people. If you're alive and trapped here you run the risk of, well, becoming like your immediate neighbor, or your immediate neighbor's neighbor... and so on!

If you want to fit here, you have to be angry, annoyed and arrogant. You have to be disgruntled and most important of all -- dead!




06/09 Direct Link

People get disillusioned so easily... At the drop of a hat...
I don't get it! I fall in the same category too.
And I keep swaying in emotions. Incidents leave me shaking in their stride.
Attachments become entanglements at times and strangulate the life out of me. And then I resurrect, and seek newer terrains, fresher abodes, only to feel similar experiences with different actors.

And yet there's a change I experience within the realms of my conscience... and even if I react, on macroscopic levels, in a similar fashion to the oft repeated circumstances, there's a fundamental change within!
Meditation helps...

06/10 Direct Link
"If I am quiet, it doesn't imply I am not interested in whatever is happening around". She said in her smooth and calm voice.

I was livid, angry and at a loss of words, part because of my rage and part because of her removed non responsive response to my accusations.

"It can't work like this" I said, my head shaking furiously, my voice deep and serious. "You are right in principle, but your actions prove differently".

"Then, how do you want it to work, if at all you want it to work?"
She asked, smiling serenely.

I had no answer.
06/11 Direct Link

I believe there's some good in everyone, and I respect that goodness... I appreciate every human's efforts to live in this world as my own... I am aware of people's struggles and disappointments, their insecurities and shortcomings..I empathize with their fears...I have been wronged, and I have wronged people...I respect people's imperfections since I know I am not perfect either... and I keep modulating my thoughts and conduct around these lines...

And so I went for a couple of days... and she listened, patiently (I hope)... And finally she spoke, and I realised, there was still a long way to go...

06/12 Direct Link
"On Your Marks..."

"Get Set..."

And finally the whistle!

And I lurked ahead with all my might... touching my feet on the ground just long enough to launch my next step.

I am running with all that I have. Every atom of my body soaring ahead. From the corner of my eye, I see her... running slightly ahead of me, and I push harder with all that's left in me, closing in the distance... I am just a fraction of a nano scale behind now, next moment I'll be ahead. Just then she slows and stops.

The race has ended.
06/13 Direct Link

I love fairy tales... and mutants... and magic... and supernatural stuff... and super heroes...
I love Harry Potter, and Twilight, and X-Men series and so on...

 I often wonder how wonderful it would be if a world as portrayed in such setups existed...
 
How amazing it would be to have people whizzing about on broomsticks... gorgeous vampires wooing you all the time... and mutants hopping about joyfully... All that minus the villains of course!
For we being what we are, have quite a villainous streak in us anyway. We’ll do enough to keep it interesting… So, Villains would be redundant! ;)

06/14 Direct Link

It is so easy for the slightest of deviations from routine to jeopardize the day for you.
And it is so difficult to bring things and most importantly your own self back on track.

We live in a state of an unstable equilibrium. Probably not vulnerable to every disturbance that shows up, but shakier than one likes to believe!

I was blindfolded and spun in the morning today... left in the wilds, windy and hostile, to find my way.
It took me a while, but I can see the silhouettes of my abodes of sanctity.
I should be there soon.

06/15 Direct Link
It is so important to have a good company of people!
It makes all the difference... but the goodness of a company is also temporary and subjective.
The company you crave for today might become a nuisance if you get too much of it. And the set of people you desperately try to avoid may turn out to be your angels in disguise at other times.
Over time, I have made a conclusion, applicable in almost all the cases barring some very strong exceptions.

No matter how good it feels, one should always maintain a distance when dealing with people.
06/16 Direct Link
Weather has such a huge impact on one's disposition!
I am amazed every time I experience the change.
If it is hot, humid and sticky... then so are you... all touchy and tensed.
And if it rains... you're deep in thoughts...restful and removed...
And if it is pleasant.. so are you...pleasant..positive...full of hope.

That's how the day has started for me today. It is very pleasant outside. I think it rained last night. Had a good ride to office, unlike the usual long and slow bus ride...

I feel well compensated for the last few days! :D
06/17 Direct Link

We need villains in stories because they are short spanned, and seek to show some conclusive ending in that small time frame.
However, in real life, all we have are shades of grays and greens among others...

In spite of the exaggerations in stories and movies and novels, we tend to relate to them so effortlessly. We flow n emotions, becoming one with the central idea, opining on characters and incidents, seeing the villain as a removed despicable entity, the hero as a perfect analogy of goodness.

Stories appeal because they are not real and hence they help getting away! 
06/18 Direct Link

If all my dreams, even the ones seen casually... all the ambitious and over ambitious statements about self made seriously or in a light vein... all the deepest desires hidden from the outside world or even from my conscious mind... if all the amazing, beautiful coincidences that I have ever imagined for myself come true...
Will I still dream or imagine or aspire?

Does it ever end? This hunger for betterment - materialistic or intellectual?

I don't know about people who are born in a convenient setup... they haven't seen worse... but people who have rose above times? Are they complete?

06/19 Direct Link
Every time I look around , I see so many people screaming.. For praise, for recognition, for being heard... for attention.
It is rare to find people at ease, contained within the realms of their being.
Everyone claims to be different... some try hard to prove they are more human than those around, while others claim they are more inhuman than people around.
Some live in the notion that they understand the most, that they have lived, that they have achieved, accomplished or suffered.

We forget we are all humans, limited or freed by our own mind at different times!
06/20 Direct Link
Wake up early in the morning, take a bath and go for your weekly Yogic Kriya session. Once done with that, have a healthy breakfast and drive to the tennis court.

Have a few good tennis games with a like minded (and abled) friend and head home. Have a heavy lunch and laze around watching some movie on the DVD. Take a little nap too, sometime during or after the movie.

In the evening, have tea with family, music playing in the background. Go out for a stroll or some light shopping in the local market.

A perfect Sunday!
06/21 Direct Link

I am growing up.
Losing touch with the past... Letting go more easily... accepting facts as they are... taking words for what they are worth...
All the notions I had of myself, and of the world around me are slowly disappearing… all the ideas of having a good time are getting redefined... all the glamorous dreams of the future are getting remolded with practicality...
Emotions are held back, not flowing as they used to... feelings are just weak sensations... buried deep inside most of the times...
I don't get embarrassed as much as I used to... or happy or sad...

06/22 Direct Link

There are so many mini worlds prospering simultaneously in this huge, phenomenal world of ours.

As I write this furtively sitting in my office, I can't help but wonder…

There would be people sleeping soundly in the dead of the night somewhere, and those preparing to sleep.. There would be someone just waking up to the early morning hours… Someone might have had a sleepless night in thoughts or otherwise…

It is a symphony of different tunes and notes all playing together… and the irony is that we are deaf to our own melodies and jingles most of the time!

06/23 Direct Link

I ask a lot of questions.

I am amazed by the ordinary mundane things that happen around me almost every day.

I am amazed at how people are so bound by protocols, social, personal and behavioral... that instinct, intuition and common sense have taken a back seat.

I don't understand the need to do the expected, to fall in line with the societal norms and rules, to adhere to unsaid, unwritten pacts signed with faceless nameless masses comprising the society.

I don't understand the reason why people seek vindication of their inner beliefs outside.

And my wonders simply never end!

06/24 Direct Link

Life becomes so beautiful when you have the right set of people around you. And the right set of people to guide you.

I have made so many inner discoveries of late, that I feel apologetic for living in the dark so far.
It's a beautiful world that we live in... Resilient, tolerant and ever- welcoming. And equally beautiful, magnanimous and serene is the little world that resides inside us.

I read somewhere recently that the people that touch your soul are God's messengers for you. They bring with them your due of joy and the wisdom in this lifetime.

06/25 Direct Link
A clear view... a crystal clear view... and all it takes is a tiny little smudge on your lens to distort it all for you...
And then you wonder, should I have focused on the lens I was using to view the outside world more than the outside world itself?

And then when you get in the act of cleaning your lens to view the world just as is, you miss out on so many things you should have witnessed.
And then you wonder, should I have seen whatever was there to see, just to gain some perspective if at all!
06/26 Direct Link

I am sad.
Very sad.
I feel lonely too... there's a void inside.
I have always lived with a void inside, but I always hoped that someday, there would be someone who would fill it.
It could be a friend, a lover, a spiritual guru, a wise elder... or any stranger I might hit on the road.
But as years have progressed, and I have got a chance to get out and meet or know about people, my hopes have dwindled.
And they're at their bleakest today.
Those who are compassionate don't understand... and those who understand just don't care...

06/27 Direct Link

It has always been difficult to put my thoughts across.
I am a tad unconventional, straightforward... appreciate honesty...

It is expensive to be me. Specially if people around you live guided by the methods and accepted behavioral guidelines put down by a nameless, faceless and pointless society.

I am tired of living like this.
Tired of the weariness I see in the eyes of people close to me.

I wish I could just get lost in the crowd somewhere. No longer someone's relative, someone's colleague, someone's friend.
Just another face in the crowd, refusing to be a part of it.

06/28 Direct Link
I don't like confrontations. I feel it leaves both the parties with a very bad taste. In my attempt to avoid, I at a lot of instances tend to ignore issues, but sadly, they have a tendency to stay.

Being sensitive and observative, I feel I take notice of quite a few things which are aberrant from my standpoint. However, my quest for social harmony prevents me from exercising my thoughts liberally. This makes me very angry at times, and my rare outburst often catches people unaware and hurts profoundly.

I sometimes wonder... Is this what people call "shy" natured?
06/29 Direct Link

"There was a dip in our revenues in the year 2008-'09, due to external factors, as you can see in the slide".
I tried looking at the trend, but couldn't let go of his smiling gaze on me. Oh God! Was he cute!!

"And if you look at our operating margin targets for this year..."

Oh you goddamn fool! Focus... I told myself and pulled my attention to the numbers, only to swiftly shift my gaze slightly leftwards at the beautiful chocolate faced model adorning the left side of slide.

Why do they put such sweet distractions on boring slides at work!

06/30 Direct Link
I still had my cell phone in my hand... I was staring at it blankly.
I had a lot of work to do, a  lot of pending tasks showing in red in my outlook...
Everything seemed too insignificant today.

I am not much of a talker, especially not on phone.
She was my closest friend, and though we had been out of touch for almost 7 years now, she had counted on me for help.

You don't have to be in touch every day on phone to ensure you are there, I thought, as I drafted my out of office mail.