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100 words. It seems so simple when there is so much on your mind. What is the purpose for me then? This is not easy. I must surface my thoughts, let my feelings go. That is not the end of this. Putting my thoughts in to understandable sentences, not so easy. This is just the beginning of a new life for me. Opening my mind to new experiences. Living in ways I never thought possible. Experiencing things I never imagined. Breathing air so new, so refreshing.
A million thoughts, only enough room for 100 words. Can it ever be enough?
The day you asked me to marry you. I thought of it today. Not because of you. I remembered the joy that ran through me when I looked into that box. It was the same joy I felt when I looked into his eyes today. No materialistic object required. I was happy with him.
Looking back I have no idea what I was thinking. The pain you cause me over the years was too much to "forgive and forget". What I have now is what I was waiting for. I'm glad I stopped looking for it in you. Goodbye, Dakota.
I missed my classes again today. Lying next to you I can only pretend to be awake. The comfort of your arms is hard to pull away from. I do not remember getting out of bed. All I remember is waking up next to you, looking into you eyes, and forgetting about time. For that second, I was lost in a world of make belief, but it was real. You were real. After seeing the time, it did not matter much to me. I was happy.
Now all I have to worry about is the rest of the semester.
He contacted me today. My ex fiance. I don't know what to tell him anymore. I want to be his friend, but after four years together he refuses to accept that as a possibility. I have moved on with my life. He refuses to do that. He is dying. And the more I push him off, the quicker he is trying to make his death a reality. I don't want it to be like this. The fact that there is no longer an "us" to me and him tears the hole in his heart a little more. Is this mutual?
Is this real?
After nearly giving up on finding love, I ran into this amazing guy. I still haven't quite figured out how I got him and I don't know much about him, but he makes me happy. I have been in a few relationships since I broke off the engagement, this being the third. I had given up on the idea of love....until now. No, I do not love this man after 2 weeks of knowing him, but I know I can love him. Even if this is short lived, I could live of this happiness for eternity.
Night time is my prime time for thinking. I have tried to write during the day before. I couldn't find the words to explain my feelings.
Nights. The most relaxing time of my days, physically that it. As soon as the sun goes down, everything starts making sense. Every possible thought crosses my mind. Sometimes I enjoy this. Other times? I'm left dreading my 8am classes, wishing I could fall asleep. I wonder if I will ever get used to this. Probably not. I'm content with this though. I get the chance to understand my emotions. Understand me. Understand life.
I started this month in October, but I am dedicated to finishing it by the tenth. I had already started October before I realized my passion for writing. 100 words a day just wasn't enough for my built up emotions. It will be much easier once my thoughts are based on a daily basis. As of right now, I am still filled with the joy of writing my last 7 years of thoughts within a few nights. The relief it brings me to get these things off my mind is almost overwhelming. Thank you for bringing writing back to me.
5 hours until I must wake, but I want to travel back in time. How about my eleventh birthday? My new friend actually got in a fight with me. She didn't believe I was 11. I had just moved to Grand Rapids and she had only known me for a week. She was two years younger than me but she was convinced that I was only turning 10. Oh the fun of jealousy. It did not matter that much to me, until she had me so confused I began questioning my age. Good times. Good memories. Lets go make more. =]
Throughout my life, there has always been something so messed up, I tend to avoid telling people about it.
Newborn to Age 5.
Age 5 to Age 15.
It goes on. All the way up to my current age. Ask me about it and I promise you I won't tell. Hidden secrets that I bury away for the right person to come along. Secrets my best friends don't know. Only one person has come into my life and been told it all. Why I told them? I have no idea. Too late now. I can't take it back. Lets trust.
Hundreds of times. Over ten years. Who could do such a thing? Obviously you. You were unstoppable weren't you? And to tell me I was the only one. I was there. Remember? Well it's over now. I would like to let you know you were not the only one. BTW, If you ever try it again, I will kill you. I'm old enough to understand this shit now. Oh, how many times I've dreamed of stabbing you in your sleep. You hurt me. Hit me. Broke me down in every way. Go die you piece of shit. I hate you.
I'm half tempted to stop at September 29th. My words will never be published and my secrets will never be told. These 3000 words this month would no longer have meaning to me. No purpose. Why would I put myself through this self discovery for nothing? Fear? Not worth being afraid. I still have not decided whether or not I want my thoughts to be known, but I am only on day 11. I might not even finish this in time. We will see. Until then, I will continue writing in hopes that it will help me. I need this.
Just realizing I was posting my September 11th post, an instant thought came to my mind. My brothers. You see, I have to brothers in the military. One is currently in Wisconsin, on his way over seas. The other? He will be shipped next year. His shipment was only delayed because he is changing his MOS. Otherwise, my brothers would have been shipped on the same day. Now I am against war, but I understand that there are some things worth fighting for. Love, freedom, happiness, LIFE. Nonetheless, I support my brothers, because they are fighting for me. True love.
I didn't write last night. Now I have 18 entries to finish in two days....and I don't write during the day. I know I'm not going to get it done. It's the weekend and I would rather spend it with him. That's were I was last night, where I want to be right now, and most likely where I will be tonight. Therefore, I am sitting here at eleven thirty in the morning trying to think of a single thing that crossed my mind last night. All I can remember is his captivating eyes and my urge to write.
I talked to my dad again. I broke my phone and didn't have any phone numbers when I got the new one. I figured he would just call me. Never did. Finally I went through the small trouble of getting his phone number. I called. The conversation lasted for 9 seconds. Just long enough for him to tell me he was at work and what time his breaks were."I love you". That made me smile, until I heard a quick good bye and a click of the line. But he called back later A 5 min conversation...better. =]
Today I decided that I am going to get a tattoo. My best friend is designing it. I want it to incorporate a little about me (which makes her think of a peace sign) and support my brothers (which makes her think of a helmet) I want it to either say our last name or have their initials. I don't know how she is going to mix peace with war, but I am excited to see how it turns out. I know I won't be able to get it done for a little while, but I'm geek-ed about it.
I do believe I am loving the college life. Two things you should know about me:
-I love to learn.
-I'm always up for new things
Relentless studying, exploring new sights, meeting new people. This is my dream come true. It helps that I am getting decent grades, but even without that, these experiences are worth the price I'm paying to be here. I was always told nothing compare to college. They were right. Even better, I'm going to college in a beautiful place. I love watching the leaves fall here. Every sight is breath taking. I can't wait for winter.
Went to a comedian tonight. He kept cracking jokes on me because I was sitting in the front row...texting. He wanted to know my conversation but as much as I wanted to tell him (knowing it would make the situation a little funnier), I could not discuss my friends personal information. She had just told me she was pregnant. As the show went on I told her what was going on. She thought it was funny, so she continued to text me just to know that he would be making a joke about it. She didn't had no idea.
I went to the movies tonight, he joined me. The smell of alcohol noticeable from a few feet away. I didn't mind. He was there, with me. I watched the movie but all I could think about was the amazing guy sitting next to me. How many times did I fight the urge to pull his eyes away from the movie long enough to kiss me? Too many. He was intoxicated by the alcohol. I was intoxicated by him. Why do I have such strong feelings for a man I barely know? I have no idea, but I like it.
I've been searching for Halloween costumes all day. I still have no idea what I want to be. I should just have my mom ship me the costume I wore last year. You don't pay so much for something you only wear once. I will though. I do not want my mother going through my things, although she does it anyways. It isn't like I have anything to hide. I just hate the thought of somebody touching my things while I'm not around. I have had too much stuff come up missing over the years...even recently. I hate this.
This weekend has been full of relentless boredom. I am going to go out tomorrow. I don't care whether it's a movie, or chill time, or anything else. There are so many things that are better than being stuck in a dorm room all day. Yesterday was just like today, I refuse to let my weekends go like this. I work hard all week. I need to go out and have some fun. Everybody is gone right now. If they aren't gone, it's because they are sleeping. (It's 3am). Boredom becomes nonexistent when you sleep. I wish I could sleep.
It is a maze. Weaving around obstacles left and right. Some times you fall. Sometimes you run straight into things. Some times you make the wrong move.
I don't know where I am right now. I am lost within life. I need a break from reality, but I don't know what is real. There are so many emotions that go on in one day, I don't know how to feel at the end of it all. Today I was mad, happy, sad, depressed, energetic, hopeful, and much more. Tonight, all of those emotions have mixed together, creating my confusion.
Why is everything always rushed? We break things down into years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds. We base our lives off of clocks and calendars. With all of this, there is no time left for pure enjoyment. We get so caught up on our time constraints that we forget about living. Let go. Live in the moment. Consider the concept of a pause button. Time means nothing when it is paused. Don't stop your life. Keep living (not in fast forward). You only have one chance. Why waste it on the unimportant. Reconsider your priorities and find love in life.
These weird noises keep playing on my computer. I can't figure out where they are coming from and honestly, it is quite scary. It sounds like something crashing. I don't know what to think of it. It reminds me of two things: One, good. The other, horrible. I muted my computer to make it go away...simply because my roommate is trying to sleep. My curiosity continues. Why would such a sound start repeating itself on my computer. No videos or music up. Oh well. It's not like it's going to kill me. Maybe curiosity with though. We will see.
I'm going to copy something I wrote previously and put it into several days. Simply because it is how I feel right now.
I hate these days. I feel my heart drop a little more everytime I see a man in uniform. Here, all the cadets are wearing uniforms so similar to ACUs that I can't get my mind off what is going on at the home front, not even for a second. I go to eat and there I find dining hall full of cadets, and all I can think about is our soliders, my brothers. I miss my...
family so much, but knowing that I will not see James for a year, makes things so much harder. I know he is doing good things with his life. He is serving our country, overseas. I know it will not be much longer before Nathan leaves too. What am I going to do then? This strain on my heart is already tearing me apart. I can't attend a single class without seeing a man in uniform on my way to, during, and on my way back from the class. Why must uniform days be mandatory? It's not even fair anymore.
Another two day piece:
Why must you keep pictures of me on wall? I ended our engagement over two months ago. You need to stop living for me and start living for yourself. We can never be together again. Yet, you send me messages saying you will never let me go. I NEED you to let me go. I NEED to move on. I don't expect you to understand why, but "us" can not be part of my vocabulary with you. I never lied when I said I loved you. I never lied when I said I was in love...
with you. Yet, I can not bring myself to continue what we had. I spend my days focusing on falling out of love with you. I don't want to love you anymore. It has caused me too much pain. Now I must continue on with my life. Whether it is with someone else or by myself, this is what I want. This is what I NEED. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I did not start the cycle of pain. I know you will always love me, but you must understand that I can no longer love you.
I have 20 hours to finish September. I know this will be my only chance to write in that short amount of time. I have so much on my mind but I just don't feel like putting it in to words. I would much rather copy and paste things I had previously written again, but I only have one thing left. I refuse to use that. I wrote that just for him and that is how it is going to stay. So now that there will only be 200 more words to write after this, this will be easy. Writing. =]
I find it intriguing. The difference between a =] and <3. It doesn't seem like much when it is transformed into computer format. But every human being that crosses these symbols knows how different they truly are. I can =] (smile) every day, but I am searching for <3 (love). Does it mean so much to everybody else, or is it just me? It doesn't matter. My definition of the two will always remain quite different, but they are still remain complimentary. I can not <3 if I am not happy. A =] is a display of such happiness.
My brothers birthday. He turned 20. This was the first time I did not see my brother for his birthday. I must get used to this. My other brother will be over seas for his next birthday. And this brother will be overseas for his next birthday as well. Could you imagine being in a war on your 21st birthday?
The sacrifices my brothers make on a daily basis astonish me. I never knew how much our military members gave up until my brothers joined. I could only dream of being able to sacrifice my life for America.
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