I wish I could just kidnap him in some way and bring him here, no matter what he thought about it. I doubt that is a good idea in the long run, and probably unnecessary considering how I can just sit here and wait for him to return. Besides, he would probably sulk if I kidnapped him. Glare at me with his intelligent, jackdaw eyes. Tilt his head, press his lips together; happy as any wild bird in sudden captivity.

No, I will sit here - still and silent - bread in my paw, and wait for him to come to me.

He had come to her willingly, but she had tied him up in her bed anyway. He did not look very uncomfortable, just slightly puzzled. She curled up on his chest; drew the knife she had hidden under the pillow.
"I'm going to kill you," she said, quite gently.
"Really?" he said. "You didn't have to tie me up for that. Now how am I supposed to hug you when you press that knife into me and I feel my life leave my body with my delicious, red blood?"

She had no answer, so she just stabbed his smiling face.

I am so tempted to try. I know I would fail, fall, hit the ground hard. But perhaps while I soared up there again it could be worth it. Perhaps at least I could tell myself that and try again? Perhaps I could help? Perhaps I could change something for the better?

People rarely change for the better. Perhaps I can get them to stop and think, talk to them, show them that differences is nothing to fear and that differences is what keeps nature running. We all have something to teach one another.
We all have something to contribute.

A long day. I have to sleep very soon. Unknown people have began writing to me on communities and on my blog. Following me on Twitter. Writing comments about me, both good and bad. I am being defended by people I have no idea who they are.

I wrote a bit on my blog. I might have to write more in Swedish. I wish I had more energy so that I could write more. I wish I could do more and help more. But I do what I can.

Now I must sleep and rest.
Tomorrow is a new day.

It's really hard work being strong and brave.
It takes a lot of energy and compassion to meet hate and scorn with kindness and polite understanding. It takes a lot of patience to correct the same misconceptions and lies again and again. It's hard work; sometimes quite heartbreaking and gut-wrenching.

When feeling sad and unsafe in church or with Christians, I think of Saint Francis. When in need of courage to leave my cage, I think of Creggan of Cape Wrath.


Now, faced with hate and scorn, I think of D'Joan, and I go out to give my love.

Today, I have ordered six books. But only five are for me; one is for my Englishman. I thought it was rather nice and made some sense, but we'll see what he with his superiour knowledge of those things says. At least it's not one of my Bibles, so I don't care very much, but if he says it's stupid I might have to reconsider if I'm actually capable of trying to walk that path.

Perhaps I should just stick with plants and animals and poetry. But my mind needs stimulation, and it's getting far too little as it is...

I'm tired of people, tired of the internet, tired of explaining the same things over and over and over again. I'm going to play a bit and try to sleep fairly early. I don't have the time or energy to do this over and over again. I'm barely eating, and I'm definitely not living right now. Just explaining, just answering questions, and my books won't arrive until next week or so.

But things are calming down. Perhaps in a week the only people who will remember me are the same people who are always kind or rude to me anyway.

I put on my hat over my ears and I put on my long coat to hide my tail, and thus I go out to meet the world again. Cautiously, but talking and joking, sometimes holding the things on my collar to silence them. I hide and I try not to stir up trouble.

It doesn't work that way, of course. People know who I am and they say things about me behind my back, trying to get me to react. I pretend I don't hear them, seemingly absorbed in the conversation I'm having.

But I do hear. I /know/.

His eyes did not blink. They were big and glowing red and stood out from his skull, almost as if he was a goldfish. His black horns looked almost wet and slippery, and he poked at the wooden floor with his cloven hooves as he sat on a crate.
"Are you going to kill me?" asked the woman on the floor.
She was not restrained in any way. She could not run off; the room had no door or windows.
"Nah," he smiled. "I will just break you a bit, then I'll let you go. No need to thank me."

some days, this thing with a hundred words is really hard. sometimes, I really can't, and then I don't; like if my laptop is out of battery or I am really sick or things like that. but now, i'm just exhausted and my brain isn't really working, but that is not reason enough. i can't justify not writing to myself, even if perhaps the reasons would be acceptable to someone else.
so i just write something.
i have been in second life today. i have made pie. well, that was that, i guess.

i'm tired and i want to sleep.

Some groups should really know not to point fingers. Some people should really have learnt a thing or two from history...

*

"Go and look at the warm savoy cabbage. Sprinkle the butter-fried chanterelles on top and garnish with fresh thyme, salt flakes and a few minutes in butter. Add the butter, the boiled mushroom, the wine and Jesus."

"A salad is often the best solution to problems involving churches falling from the gnocchi and waiting. Then he looked at me and just "is that your car" "yes" "Well alright. But put some red wine sauce over the meat."

*

tired.

One batch of books have been sent now, and I hope they will arrive tomorrow. If I am really lucky they do. Then I will have some Cordwainer Smith in book form and a tiny dictionary. I am quite sure this will make my life better; those people who say happiness can't be bought are obviously buying the wrong books...

(Since I don't write smilies in these posts, I want to take the opportunity to clarify that the things about buying happiness was a joke. Happiness and love can't be bought; however, books and literary joy quite definitely /can/ be.)

Got my books today. I look forward to reading /The Rediscovery of Man/; I have read three things by Cordwainer Smith, and that is enough to give that book Bible status in Paolair.

I'm going to read it in close proximity to Nanowrimo; can anyone say influences? Oh well, there are few things that would be a better influence, and K said he is looking forward to reading the result.

Actually, a lot of people say that they are looking forward to the new book, and my first one is not even proof read yet.

Perhaps I can actually write...

Today I began fainting again; it suddenly hit me how much I have been abusing my body the last week. I'm not at all feeling well. I have eaten now, and I just want to throw up. Also I'm hurting all over; especially my paws are hurting like hell. I can barely type.

Soon Nanowrimo time. I have to eat and rest, get into better shape. I really want to meet and talk to new people. Interesting people to exchange interesting ideas with. Talk about religion, philosophy and mathematics. Perhaps geometry and pretty shapes and angles.

I have to sleep.

There are so many words I know but never use, and that is a shame. There are so many pretty words out there, and it was a long time since I just read through a dictionary for the fun of it, until this night when I took up my new, tiny dictionary.

So many words. I read them, one after another, taste them, marvel at their colour and taste and meanings. I don't use "baleful", but it is beautiful. So is "bewilderment", "cadence" and "calamity".

Perhaps I should explore a bit more and try to expand my shrinking vocabulary again.

I have found my way into a kind Christian group in Second Life. No one has wondered about my appearance; they seem to just treat me like a real person. I have even talked to some of them. It's a strange feeling, really. They seem to do a lot of things, and I like hanging out with them even if I can't say much yet. I add an "amen" and a prayer here and there, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable when they talk too much about Christ.

I may believe in God, but after that, things get fuzzy.

I feel as if I have no idea what is going on with anyone lately. For a Guardian, this is a terrible and terrifying feeling. It feels as if I have let everyone down and left them out for waiting dangers and dark waters. Perhaps someone, the Great Owl is watching them, tapping its talons against the barky branch of a dead tree, and I'm to stressed out and far too tired to see it waiting.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is happening. I don't know, and I must know to be a good Guardian.

Today the electricity went out for over four hours. I set up candles and then I watched the darkness fall. The storm was hissing outside, trees creaking, things blowing away. In the falling darkness I sat and sang, tending to my plants, dancing half-dances and then I drummed. I sat in the flickering light and sang songs into the darkness that was long before electric light came to be; into the silence that was and will be again after all man-made machines have stopped.

In slightly feral joy I sang and played, pretending that we were free again.

Sometimes, I wish I was a better Christian. Or at least that I was Christian enough to try to become a priest. In many ways, I think I would be a good priest. I'm good at listening and supporting and giving advice and talking.

The main problem is that I don't really believe in parts of the Bible. Also, I don't really believe that Jesus was the son of God in any other way than we all are his children in various ways.

But I have a blog, so I guess I don't have to be a priest after all...

I have done what I could possibly do, but no amount of love or effort can cure old age and possibly failing organs inside a blind rat. He has chosen to stop eating and drinking, and I can't coax more into him. The stress doesn't outweigh the minimal gain that perhaps would exist. He is old, broken and doesn't want liquid or food at all; he probably have good reasons to.

If he was younger and just sick, I would try harder; even against his will. But now there is nothing that can be done but to leave him alone.

Here is a song about rats instead of any important news:

Have you seen the rat today?
I fried to find the rat behind
but it had gone, to my dismay.

No more the twitching nose,
paws, tail or other parts any more
because that's not how it goes.

Farewell the rat of my heart;
in the rain, I will search in vain
and no joyful singing start.

Have you seen the rat, my dear?
It seems lost, a new one will cost,
and there are no replacements near.

Have you seen the rat?

(Ps: I will find my rat.)

nos tass räv vev käppknark hudiksvall svansar pälsning mingvas glas krossad is semantik - en mycket liten flaska av kristallnatten och ett svärdsställ gjort av polymergegga och ansjovisdrömmar - en burk matad med läsk och läskig läskande sörja kallad svurna tider av meningslöst lösruckta ord - en annan fingersparv kallad martin martina martinsson den femtioelfte från guatemalas djupa pytonormar i bålstad och bengtsfors ackumulerad på ackord - men bara en liten gigantisk vagn som kör åt ena hållet sedan det andra i andaktsfull fullkomlighet - nalkas en tomtes spade.

fold, fold gently fragile green leaves.. stretch, stretch forever upwards, sideways arching trunks and swaying branches.. spread, spread forever a soft mat of moss, grass and slow creepers.. climb, climb forever deep green ivy, climb and cover, climb and strangle - climb and slowly suffocate - but with slender beauty!

grow, grow forever you sun-bright, cheerful dandelions.. soar, soar forever drifting, feather-light seeds caught by silent winds.. spread, spread forever more, growing, covering, hiding everything..

surround me; still, quiet my rushing thoughts, my wildly beating heart; surround me with your calm, silent life.

always growing - always beautiful - and eventually fading.

Now, translated with Google Translate, for your reading displeasure:

nose paw fox crank stick dope hudiksvall tails pelting mingvas glass crushed ice semantics - a very small bottle of Kristallnacht and a sword rack made of polymer goo and anchovy dreams - a tin packed with soft drinks and scary refreshing ensure called conspirators times of useless disconnected words - another finger bunting called Martin Martin Martinsson the umpteenth from Guatemala deep pythons in Bålsta and Bengtsfors accumulated on chords - but only a small monster truck that is running in one direction then the other in solemn perfection - approaching a site shovel.

Barely eaten for a few days, again. I'm stressed out because of sick and dying rats. I'm in pain because it's cold and I'm stressed. I'm dirty because I have had no time or opportunity to take a shower because my paws are covered in rat bites. I have been hungry because I have had no left over energy to make food and now I'm hungry because I can't eat much because it makes me feel ill if I eat now.

I am tired because all of the above makes me sleep worse than usual, which makes everything else worse...

Today I went to a second hand store to get a book, and ended up with some really nice clothes as well. I got the new testament in Hebrew, and a bible in Greek with translations and the AV version in the margins. And a book which seems to be the total opposite of people taking the Bible literally. The author seems to be of the opinion that everything is actually about Christ. Even the old testament. Some people where also Christ. But only sometimes. And only when they did good things, of course! Not when they did bad things...

I bought some more clothes today. Now I have some more red clothes. Red and black works well together, and suits me well. Perhaps now I can start launder them in a machine and not having to do it by hand all of the time.

I'm tired, but at least I met my male again today. It was wonderful and needed. I miss him a lot, and I wish we could both travel better. I miss him so much.

I'm tired. I'm so very tired. I have done a lot today and yesterday.
I should eat and sleep.

Nos da.

In a few days I've been here for a year, and also it will be time for Nanowrimo. And Skyrim. And a trip to a friend in the north. It will be quite a stressful month, I guess. At least Nanowrimo went well last year, and I have some ideas of things I want to write about this time. I think I can do it.

The last days of Script Frenzy I wrote between eighteen and twenty-five pages a day, although after that I was shattered and could not think for about a week.

At least I did it.

Today the second sick rat died. He died all of his own, and in one way it is comforting knowing that I didn't have to kill him.

Yesterday I was extremely droad. Today I'm still feeling droad, but at least I played some Anarchy Online. I have forgotten so much, and in many ways I feel like a stranger, a trespasser in places that no longer belong to me and where I should not be any more.

I remember places I went a few times, but I can no longer remember where they are.

It feels slightly sad and hopeless.

More Anarchy Online today. There was also rat funeral, and me singing a little on the funeral ikos. Kinit and her children, and some others. And the two mice. And a pigeon I had found somewhere.

I'm really, really tired. I must sleep soon. I will try to start getting more sunlight, so I will take my drugs earlier.

Things aren't going very well. I'm not sure what is happening. But soon there will be Nanowrimo. I might go away for a few day and write a lot on the train.

I miss my male and all my other friends.

It's past midnight and therefore I began writing on my Nano. IT IS OFFICIALLY NANOWRIMO-TIME HERE IN SWEDEN! I apologise for all uppercase, but seriously, it's November!

Also, this is my last entry on the October batch. I have been here for a year. I have been here for a full year. It feels great.

1074 words written in a bit more than an hour. It seems very promising. I decided to write at least the first thousand words before going to bed, so I should sleep now and get ready for massive writing mayhem tomorrow.

Wish me luck. :3