01/01 Direct Link
First entry on the new year, also first entry in a month since for some reason I could not get into the December batch until far too late so I decided not to try.

Last night, I saw Orion surrounded by colourful explosions as people celebrated the end of another year, the death of things that were. I saw a terrified hare trying to escape the explosions.

About five months to the end of my year. About four months to Script Frenzy. The world has yet not ended and I still have things to write, to read.

So have you.
01/02 Direct Link
Home again. Things seem to be pretty much how they were when I left. I'm very tired but otherwise rather happy. It is January now and I still do not want to die. Every year things have improved. But the downside is that it does not really feel like winter. The mild weather probably doesn't help to make things feel more wintery either, and I want to take photos of ice crystals and snow.

Oh well, things could have been a lot worse. At least I'm not hurting much now and there will always be other winters in the future.
01/03 Direct Link
Slept for quite a while, woke up rather happy. I had a lot of strange dreams this morning, but some of them were a bit fun. The duvets and the mattress were warm and soft and I actually enjoyed drifting in and out of sleep today, something I rarely actually enjoy.

But there was nothing to stress me out today, and I could afford to relax after Christmas and New Year's and everything. It was needed.

Played a bit more of Magicka today. That game has cardboard sheep. For some reason I find this terribly amusing.

Citrus. Design. Photos.
01/04 Direct Link
"Alone and immobile in an armchair, surrounded with books as wrinkled as the faces of old people. Although at that time, I was quite alone and forgotten; in some ways it was by my choice, but mostly it was because of there being no alternative. I did not mind much, I had books to read, poetry to write and a pot of tea to drink while I wrote myself through the night. I also had Simon and Garfunkel and enough bitterness and hate to keep me warm through the coldest winter."

From an email I sent today.
Now to sleep.
01/05 Direct Link
A waltz:

For you I would be the perfect girl; a whispery-slender willow, a pale-clay statue dressed in the finest silk, the softest velvet. For just a waltz in your arms. For just a moment of feeling your body heat I would sacrifice my own. For your breath down my neck I would give up breath altogether. You lead and I follow. I pretend that the flickering candles above are the stars.

For just a waltz in your arms I have been the perfect girl, but you do not want a perfect girl; you want a perfect dancer.
01/06 Direct Link

They came hidden amongst the explosions as if the fire in the air had called them. Dragons or fire-snakes, slithering across the night sky like slow, red lightning. Their roaring laughter echoing with the explosives calling out for cheerful destruction. For one night every year they come out to eat that which we choose to forget, every possibility which never turned reality.

In the morning only burnt out paper tubes remain, reminding us of ourselves.


Then sitting here alone in the darkness with a glass of stale champagne and regrets. It tastes like wet cigarette butts and lost meaning.

01/07 Direct Link
Taking care of another person's pets today. He has a rabbit, a guinea pig and a cat. And some fish. I have missed meeting rabbits now and then, although my allergies prevent me from keeping rabbits. Sometimes I think about getting one again anyway.

There is something strange and yet lovely about rabbits.
Something about how they move and stand on their hind legs. The way they move their heads and their noses are in almost constant motion.

I have had rabbits earlier in life. I wonder if I could handle having one again, but rats are easier to move.
01/08 Direct Link
She could no longer feel time passing. The only thing indicating that time was not at a complete stop was the expiry dates on the milk slowly creeping forward; this could just as easily be a conspiracy. The milk told her that time was moving on, with or without her; mostly without her. She no longer left her home. Food was ordered to her door, the blinds down, the curtains in front of them. Her lair was dark, her feet knew the floor.

The expiry dates ticked steadily ever forward, the heartbeat of a life which had left her behind.
01/09 Direct Link
I was out taking a walk in the cold, grey haze of tiny snow crystals when I came down the hill only to spot a rainbow. It was so beautiful that I had to stop and stare at it, then I took a photo before I walked on. But then I came around a corner and saw that it was not just a rainbow; it was a double halo around the setting sun, with a small wisp of light above the inner halo.

It robbed me of breath for a moment, my heart filled with awe for this ephemeral beauty.
01/10 Direct Link
Wearing some of the second hand clothes I got when I visited my father and his wife last Sunday. It feels a bit odd to have all these new clothes. Most are in greys and black and rather discreet colours, but they still stand out from my usual clothes. Also they feel so.. feminine. They are mostly tight and not much made to be worn while climbing or curling up on floors or in sofas. Like the only thing one is supposed to do is standing up or perhaps sitting straight.

I bet I can pervert them into usefulness yet...
01/11 Direct Link

I did not sleep very well last night, but now we are out in the forest and I am relaxing a lot. I just have to write all these words and then I can curl up and read more about nutritional science for vegans. It's quite interesting really, and although I have no longing to become a vegan, I still think it is great knowledge to have.

I took a lot of photos on the way here. Some of them might be good despite having been taken in a moving car.

Thinking of the fox that might be around somewhere.

01/12 Direct Link

Met a friend of my father today. Took a lot of photos of the sky and the mountains and the sunset. Bought more yarn and knitting needles; knitting yet another scarf, this time bright red and wine red.

I watch the news when I'm out here. Today the news were unusually depressing. Soldiers peeing on dead people. Transsexuals still having to put up with sterilisation in order to be allowed living like they feel they naturally should. I have no idea how some people can sleep at night.

I think I'll take a walk tomorrow, but it's really icy here.

01/13 Direct Link
I don't miss the internet much. I fell for the temptation again and bought yarn and knitting needles, and I have finished a new knitted scarf. I always feel like knitting when I'm here but I always forget to bring knitting needles and yarn. So every time I go there I still end up buying new knitting needles and new yarn to knit new things. At least I try to buy knitting needles in different sizes to get some sort of complete collection some day.

If nothing else, I can always sharpen them later and find other uses for them...
01/14 Direct Link
Today I returned home from the forest. As always it was a rather sadness-inducing affair, but I have rats at home and they need food and water and fresh litter. And the snake needs to be fed. Even if it takes a long time before she gets hungry, it doesn't mean that hunger hurts her any less when she feels it.

So tomorrow I will have to tidy up and unpack things and go and buy mice for her, because she's a bit hunty and twitchy. Also water the plants and put up the blog entries I wrote earlier.
01/15 Direct Link
Today I have been feeling quite bleh the entire day, but I have managed to tidy up a bit and rearrange the books on two of the bookshelves. The morning was full of strange and uncomfortable dreams. Even the dream in which I accidentally woke Cthulhu up, who had regressed into some knee-high, green octopus creature which I had to feed with a homeless man I found (somewhere out on the dark ice plains outside).

Perhaps I will feel better tomorrow. I think I have fallen ill again and have a fever. At least it would explain the dreams...
01/16 Direct Link

arranging and rearranging
find and hide and throw away
tidy and clean and dig deep
after trash-buried treasures
and forgotten floors

make room for new things
and old things reborn
make room to grow
throw out impossible dreams
in the face of
unrelenting reality
and keep the dreams
that do not harm...


Fed Maya the snake today, tried to tidy up a bit but I just get all obsessed with the books and the bookcase. Trying to catalogue the books a bit. Made apple pie with my female. Throat hurting. Fever probably lower.

Have eaten well today, I think.

01/17 Direct Link
Today I have arranged and rearranged even more books. I have blacked out my blog in solidarity and in protest against SOPA/PIPA and the threats they pose against a free and democratic internet. I have set up a time to go and visit my almost-sister. I have not done much else due to the pain in one of my fingers.

Oh, and I have eaten apple pie. I have patted a rat. I have confused a snake. I have failed to reply to an important email I really want to reply to and I wish I could knit.
01/18 Direct Link
i know i really do i know about your mother your father i know every skeleton in every wardrobe and i know about what you do to his spirit tonight and those shoes that walks on marble and ice and lice and lies and terror and pain fish in a bowl of a half-sphere with a half identity in its identity disorderly life in an an an anthelope.

snurry bussy tirral tallar infi kinfi klansi fooj tallar hallar halkar kallat tiredness and extra hymns recitations and coagulations and pre-auditory presidential debates until the end of the red lines.
01/19 Direct Link
Today I met my almost-sister. I might have to change my mind about children; there was definitely intelligence in her eyes.

She read me a book. She does not have real Swedish words yet, but she was sitting down, pointing at the pictures, making sounds at me. Then she started reading it again backwards. And then she read it to me upside down. It was really communication.

I played her the kyrie on the recorder. I played a bit and when I tried to stop she grabbed the recorder and put it back against my lips.

It was wonderful.
01/20 Direct Link
i might have to move so i am packing things down. i'm not at all feeling very well and i have no idea how long i will be clear enough to write so i write early. not sure when i will be tired enough to sleep though. i might have to pack things down until i feel like i can actually calm down enough to lie down again. trying to figure out how to get some food into me.

at least i will have some tea soon.

(i will have to hide the tea too, i don't want it out)
01/21 Direct Link
(A fictional piece.)

I don't trust you. I had a friend once with eyes just like yours and just like lies come out when you open your mouth so would his spew darkness and sand. I don't trust your eyes. They remind me of a snake's. Not evil, but rather cold and indifferent to me or the landscape around or anything which is not smaller than it and possible to swallow. When I laugh at you you take it and when I hate you you take it, but when I love you you cannot swallow it and so you leave.
01/22 Direct Link
"I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder, later..."

I want to keep you alive because you are shiny, because you are so very, very beautiful. Under that grey surface there is something black and brittle but strong, just like flint.
I want to hit you hard until you crack chiming, pieces tinkling apart like glass. I want to run my paws over the shards, feeling every ridge, every sharp edge.
I want to see the light play inside stone.

"I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back."
01/23 Direct Link
Sent a package to Kadanina today. Spoke to my psychologist and one of my helpers about my problems with my helpers and how things work. I have cut up meat to put in the freezer. I still haven't eaten, but I will try to do so before I sleep, although I'm not at all sure how that will go.
I want to do horrible things to someone. Who is not very important at the moment. I could even hurt myself if I had to, but I just try not to hurt anyone at all.

There is chaos and bad jokes.
01/24 Direct Link
You do not get it and you never got it and I doubt you will ever get it. The taste of wild flight and a starless, moonless night, running through it all with the only light in your eyes. That fire still burning and lighting your way, unable to see where you put your paws and yet knowing that somehow it will be all right. You have never gotten it, do you? Have you ever run through the silencing snow with only the sound of blood-flow in your ears while your lungs burn with every icy breath?

I have.
01/25 Direct Link
I am feeling quite weak. This is not good. I wish spring would come soon. I was supposed to meet an abban today to take some photos, but neither one of us was feeling very well so we postponed it for a while.

I am cold and my lair is cold and I should make soup. Soup is good and warm and suits cold days like this quite well. But I don't really know what to make. I wonder if potato-onion soup works?

The snow is not very deep, but it is cold.
I should dig a deeper hole.
01/26 Direct Link
From an email I wrote today, from a part about stars and nature and long distances:

"From the vast distances between the galaxies and stars to the almost just as vast distances between the atoms in the air we breathe and even firm and physical things like walls and our bodies. There is so much space between every small chunk of matter, and even they are full of space. Looking too closely at things like that can be just as vertigo-inducing as looking too long up into the night time sky, and both are just as beautiful to me."
01/27 Direct Link
Life goes on, no matter how difficult it is or how inconvenient. Life goes on and time won't stop. Today I have tried to tidy up a bit, writing a bit. I made ginger and honey tea. I dusted off old fur and thought of all the lovely things I could do with it.

I am waiting for a reply to an email I wrote last night. I can't really believe I actually am. I am looking forward to it, whatever it might be, because it will give me a reason to write another one.

I have a letter-friend. :3
01/28 Direct Link
The food I made today got.. well, not bad, really, but not as good as I had hoped. Perhaps I ought to try without a whole chicken next time, at least that way I could remove all the icky parts and bones and stuff before cooking it. Perhaps I should just use normal, red meat next time. Or try cooking when I'm not feeling ill at the mere thought of food.

Today I have at least thought about hunting. I think this means that I am feeling much better. Hopefully service will go back to normal very soon.

If not...
01/29 Direct Link
(My entry for today seems to have got lost somehow. I'm not sure how or why, but all right. I cannot even remember what it was about, but I'm sure it was incredibly awesome and now you will never now the wonderful and underestimated nuggets of wisdom which were contained within. And I, having forgotten them, will be just as unenlightened and lost as I was before I figured everything out and wrote it down, only for it to slip through my fingers and from my memory and out of this world forever. I'm sorry. I have failed you all.)
01/30 Direct Link
I'm a good Pao. I don't take my anger or frustration out on people who are not to blame even if they are involved. At least I try very, very hard not to. I'm reasonable about how I'm being unreasonable, and I know I'm being unfair sometimes. I know that sometimes even my judgement is clouded by sadness, anger and jealousy and I know that when I'm stressed and scared things feels a lot worse than they are.

Sometimes I'm proud of myself for this, but most often I just wish I could freak out for real in blind destruction.
01/31 Direct Link
I feel a lot better today, although I am still a bit weak. The ocean merge on Puzzle Pirates is really exciting. I hope it works out well for everyone involved, not least the technicians who are working on it.

I want to write again. I am excited again. I am happy and laughing again, and I think things are improving. I got another email from K's mother that I will have to reply to. I am looking forward to this.

February now; month of my birthday. I'm getting used to birthdays now.
I am getting used to being alive.