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Recently tried my hand at a Limerick. Like all forms of writing, you're never too sure of the denouement, especially when it's a rhythmical rhyme. Now, of course I intended on making it a little bit saucy. A little bit rude.
Here it is:
There once was a man from near Wigan
Who got in a hole and kept diggin'
His fingers got sore
As he reached the Earth's core
But at least he's got booze to be swiggin'.
I was disappointed. I won't lie. When I thought of the word Wigan, my mind instantly went to friggin', but I couldn't make it fit.
The Richard Bacon Show today on Radio 5 Live. Had on a gobshite- sorry, I mean fraud- I mean "psychic" named Sally Morgan. It causes my stomach to turn to listen to people like her spout such manipulative rhetoric and give vague, but calculated prognostications and readings.
Granted, they are talented. They must be to read the desperate and not-so-desperate alike so well.
The fact is, I don't know who I'd execute first when the revolution flares, whether Acorah or Morgan, but who ever goes second would be able to channel the other on their journey to hell.
An objectionable thing to talk about, but- well, i have insomnia so i only went to bed about 4am anyway... within two and a half hours, i'd been to the bathroom six times. it was now after 6am. i managed about 2 hours sleep and had to visit the comfort-room again. And then again, and again.
A really unusual day. I was perturbed by thoughts i may have developed diabetes in my excessively sugar rich diet.
Had a lovely dinner with drinks of water to help cool down the heat of the day.
And visited the toilet again... again...
Attraction is beautiful and necessary.
Attraction can and does lead to regret, but this can also be attributed to urges (though this is a more short term event).
I like women.
I like women who have dark hair and dark eyes.
I like women who have dark hair, dark eyes and glasses.
I like women who have dark hair, dark eyes, glasses and a degree of accountability in their actions.
I like women who have dark hair, dark eyes, glasses, a degree of accountability and a conscience.
There are exceptions to every rule.
Marilyn Monroe- Blonde.
Sarah Palin- Evil.
Got into a conversation again tonight with Joanne about her complex. I phoned her earlier, then texted her to talk about me, but there was no answer. She didn't answer. She phoned me later and talked about her. She cried. I was happy. She was happy. I talked about me. She yawned.
Was told last week i can't be a Samaritan as I was00 unhappy though I argued the only reasons I am a Samaritan is because i love to help people and it makes me happy.
I now don't get to help people. This makes me sad.
There's a time for staying and there's a time to go.
My leaves have all fallen, the fruit falls too soon and my roots are beginning to show through the earth.
It's time to move.
The ground has gone hard and the air is dry. The sun doesn't shine, but the cracks are getting wide.
There is a fertile land somewhere.
Everything i've known and loved is in the past, but the past is no place to make a future.
I need to look forward; not back; not sideways, or up; but forward for that fertile ground.
Carry me away.
Lay awake last night worrying.
No real friends.
I'm 40 next year.
Don't seem to be able to attract a woman into my life.
The grief which has overwhelmed me for the past few years has caused me to over-eat.
After once being very successful in life, all my luck now seems to be bad.
I'm currently trying to sell all my possessions. No steady income for such a long time has led me to conclude this is my only way to make money.
Once unburdened by my possessions, I can travel.
Then confront my destiny.
I like shopping, only if it's for electronic goods. If it's for anything but electronic goods, I hate shopping.
I hate posting things in boxes.
No, it's not that I 'hate' it, for some reason, my feelings on this would be closer likened to a phobia.
I've been posting things recently on eBay and yesterday sold my first items (for money!). I'd selected for them to be collected in person... then I saw the words instructing me to 'despatch within three days', "as you'd agreed."
I started to feel uneasy.
I hate shopping... and I now hate selling.
the wrecking ball has begun to swing and the world is beginning to tremble.
maybe it's not the world that's shaking; maybe it's just me.
21 years in england: 4 in hong kong.
2 years in england: 2 in germany
10 years in england: it's time to get busy.
this country is dying. the arteries are clogged, it's vital organs shutting down. but it's not going quietly. this is an arrest; a convulsion, a spasm. death rattle.
it can't survive, but as much as i love to call myself 'english', i don't yet possess the self-destructive gene.
I must away...
A day of e-mails. Usually, the number is somewhere between zero and one.
It started yesterday when i uploaded a photo.
Unfortunately, this is a fossil fuel and will exhaust itself in time. what i need is a hydro-electric at worst, photovoltaic cells at best, or a whooshing windmill at trumpton.
Windy Miller. Never really liked Windy Miller. Always lost my attention when he/she appeared.
Now Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub: i loved it when they showed up on their lovely red fire engine...
... where was i?
Oh yeah, me. I had e-mail-
I had a thought about my forthcoming event. I wake up, stay in bed until decide to get up, then come downstairs and hope that the country's recession ends soon and the jobs market picks up. The jobs market isn't going to pick up any time soon.
So i sit and i think the same old negative thoughts, just a day closer to something we know not what.
I decided to sell everything and journey.
I now have a few things sold and money coming in.
I had a thought. At the end of all this- the end is waiting.
So many worries and such a big change. It's funny how life takes you in different directions. Not funny in a humorous way, but more in a curious, tragic way.
To be honest about everything, i'm scared. I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few months, and then in the months (and years?) after that. It's hard to see how i can make such fundamental changes in myself to effect anything positive for the future.
Maybe a new country and a new job will help. It certainly has done in the past.
Wish me luck...
Seems like i missed a day.
Got very drunk last night with two friends from my school days.
Back to the esoteric jokes and childish humour. Excellent. It always happens when we meet. We slide back 20 years and become teenagers again.
In fact, as this is my entry for 13th and not for the day i'm writing it, i should be speaking in anticipation.
Can't wait to go out tonight. Planning on not drinking, so i shouldn't have a hangover tomorrow. Just hope my mates don't persist in trying to get me to having lager.
Prognostication is never easy.
Committing Suicide, The Happy Way.
Lose everything that matters to you and once this has happened, don't experience anything positive. Do this for about 5 years until you have no money and no prospects and you lose the will to live and become inured to ennui.
Sit and stare.
Then sit and stare.
Then sit and stare.
Then sit and stare.
Continue to sit and stare, doing this repeatedly for years.
Then... after years... an idea.
Sell all your worldly possessions. Make as much money as possible and travel. See all the things you always wanted to see.
I tried vegetarianism when i was 19 and lasted somewhere around 3 months. I didn't enjoy any kind of fulfilment from it and was too young (too young for ME anyway) to know why I was doing it.
I became a vegetarian on my birthday 3 years ago. For 3½ years i've been a vegetarian.
I've mistakenly ingested meat products twice. Once in chewing gum and once in the flavouring of noodles.
The realisation was somewhat distressing.
I decided to have a pepperoni pizza yesterday and forgo vegetarianism.
Forgive my language. I feel like shit now. I haven't eaten today.
One thing in life is certain: Friends are great, but it's hard having friends.
Had a conversation with one last night. We discussed my upcoming transition. Discussed finances and the choices I have. Maybe things will happen next month or maybe i'll wait until next spring when the weather is improving rather than deteriorating.
She insisted i go now.
She offered to put me up for a month if i like, but said i would have to contribute.
For sure. I would insist.
Half her month's rent was what she asked for a small room.
Hmmm... it's hard having friends.
I've looked back with a relentless constancy. Which events caused the direction of gradual decline? There was a peak that was reached (teach-taught; search-sought; fight-fought; reach-raught! Always get distracted by our conjugations---- such articulation and variety).
There was a peak 'raught' before the decline and i have put it down to moving house when i was 8, away from my friends and closer to solitude.
My brother told me why he bullied me. I loved him and couldn't fight back. Didn't want to think i was better than him. I allowed myself to be a victim.
Sexual tension with an ex.
I arrived at hers. She'd make-upped herself and perfumed her kissable zones. She'd put 'those' jeans on. The ones that curve around her- well, you know what jeans curve round. Then later on, when we ventured out for a walk to a statue that looks unfeasibly like a giant penis (The Dream, Sutton Manor), our hands brushed and she made a greater deal of it than was needed.
Back to hers and she decided to wear her glasses.
She knows what i'm like around women who wear glasses.
It's a nice feeling- sexual tension.
19th August. A date that means nothing to me (that comes readily to mind anyway. And i'm very good with dates). Makes me think of a date in the future.
Change the subject, Chris.
Have nothing to say today so i'm going to have to droll on about something arbitrary or nonsensical.
Sold my car yesterday. Got a pile of notes on my table as an echo of seven years service to the road. Great car for the first 3 or 4 years. The last 3 years I didn't drive it much at all and it failed mechanically.
I sat quietly in his office. I knew there would be news coming in the next few moments that would be life changing.
Funny. 'Life' changing.
He smiled, though it wasn't a pleasant smile, or a comforting smile, it was a functional smile to let me know everything was going to be okay. Maybe not okay with me, but okay with the world. The world would continue, either with me as a participant or without me... as a food source for the simpler forms of life.
I sat quietly.
He looked up, making firm eye contact.
"Do you have insurance?"
I looked over at the large mound of green and brown earth on which a small figure crouched.
It was the purple and yellow coat i'd recognised.
The stretch of road running past had been nicknamed St Peters Way because of the amount of souls which had been dispatched to heaven from here. I looked over at the three year old playing not twenty feet away from it.
I watched as a small object rolled away from her and towards the road.
She followed briskly behind
There was no way i was going to reach her in time.
Fall over. Please.
I came across a fork in the path. One direction was well trodden, the other way was overgrown.
I took the more traversed road away from scratching brush.
Suddenly, I had a change of heart.
I turned around.
I pulled my jacket over my hands and issued forth with hands outstretched.
Birds i'd never heard. Flowers i'd never seen. Earth i'd never before trodden.
That was two days ago. I keep thinking to myself, if i hadn't turned round, i'd be home now and not stuck at the bottom of this mineshaft with a broken leg and onset of hypothermia.
Two pictures on ebay and he wants to see more. I mean, how many more photos can you take of a 4 seater sofa that'll give you more of an idea what it looks like? I think his heart really isn't in it, or he'd be more sure. Still £350 when i only expected £300 is worth humouring him.
No i've just heard a druid is pissing and moaning about Stonehenge. Stonehenge is something the druids only adopted a couple of hundred years ago. If the buggers had built it, then they have a say, but research shows they didn't!
I stumbled, reached for the ledge, and righted myself once more.
I needed sustenance. The shakes brought disorientation. Fatigue. Cold sweats.
Ali had passed away half an hour ago. The gash on his arm had turned black. A dark, aggressive, pervasive wound.
I thought it was frostbite. He obviously knew differently.
His last breath. I resigned myself to a lonely ascent over the mountain.
Then, his eyes had opened. There was insanity behind them.
He attacked. I dodged him and he plummeted, but not to his death.
I look down and there he is. Tracking. Waiting for me to slip.
Downloaded Into the Wild on iTunes. iTunes is a rip off when it comes to downloading films, but as i'm going to be where he is someday, i felt the urge and i went with it.
Looked up the final tune from Spaced, then had a listen on YouTube. The Staunton Lick by Lemon Jelly. If you're a fan of Spaced, when you listen to this tune, you are overcome by three things.
1) You can't stop smiling
2) As the music continues, you get goosebumps (or rather, i did)
3) You are saddened Spaced came to an end.
A drowning man doesn't choose who saves him from the sea. His oldest friend or his oldest enemy becomes the same in these moments.
Loneliness is drowning.
If a hand is held out, you don't care who's it is. Anything to lift you from the depths.
What do you do? Do you leave the lonely man to drown?
"If you weren't lonely, you wouldn't want my friendship."
Maybe this is true, but like the drowning man, the lonely man has few choices.
But there is another way. Hold your breath and explore the reef. Meet your destiny with a smile.
Three questions: What is the question? What is the answer? What do i do with the knowledge i discern from the answer?
These are the questions when dealing with introspection and retrospection.
What is the Question: What is it about me that alienates people?
What is the Answer: a) I'm over-opinionated, b) I'm boring, c) I'm a know-it-all, d) I can't tell jokes...
What do i do with this information?
a) Keep my mouth shut more.
b) Keep my mouth shut more.
c) Keep my mouth shut more.
d) Keep my mouth shut more.
why? just why?
no reason to life. no meaning to life. no higher power setting us a goal.
if we were set a goal, do you think he has one, the higher power.
god, i am your creator. your meaning of life is...
what? what is my meaning of life, oh creator?
you'll have to work it out yourself, god.
bollocks. that's a jip.
life is a ruined joke. you laughed before the punchline, but, do you know what, we're going to give you the punchline anyway, just to expel any residual humour that may have been lingering.
mothers are better than fathers. thats just how it is.
mothers are caring, empathetic and smart.
fathers are ignorant, self-absorbed and docile.
"that was for you, mum!"
"my dad left when i was very young. he used to beat my mum. i don't know where he is now."
mothers love their children.
fathers just want them to grow up quickly.
"women and children first."
"among the fatalities were women and children."
"one of our guest today is a mother who had to..."
"on our show is an absent father."
I hate the words 'mother' and 'father'.
How about 'parent'?
Ordered a whetstone off ebay. been looking for a few other things, but think i might just wait till i arrive at my destination to save on luggage space.
Speaking of ebay, the items i listed have had interest, but only one has a bid. It's the last day. The item with the bid is for £5. Bloody hope someone else bids.
Got a sofa, dvd player, armchair, da-dat-da-dat-da-dah.
Get on ebay you miserable bastards and buy my stuff. It's a steal.
That was aimed at people in general, not the good writers of 100words.
"There are bears and other wildlife out there."
And there are drunk drivers over here and stress and towns filled with despair and nothing much more.
There are risks with everything. I'm trying to cover all bases. I'm getting myself fit again, camping, learning bushcraft, supplying myself with the necessary tools to get me through nights outside and and a few more necessary tools to ward off grizzlies.
The bottom line: i can stay here and waste away, or i can travel and find a hundred new stories to tell.
You could say it's a choice between life or death.
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