11/01 Direct Link
Naps. I really don't know why they aren't mandatory. The science shows that taking small naps throughout the day really helps the brain and productivity. But no, we are too obsessed with running ourselves into the ground in order to prove to everyone else our superiority.†

†So no one takes naps but toddlers†and people in countries where it is too damn hot to do anything but nap. Perhaps if everyone brought in notes from the doctor and then sued the crap out of everyone that got in the way of napping?†

†This is the real reason people smoke.
11/02 Direct Link
I love white t-shirts, jeans and Converse. This may be the choir nerd in my brain trying to express itself. Thankfully, I do not love pancake †makeup. I do, however, avoid glitter eyeshadow like the plague, fearing its reflective nature.†

I find people who have created a sort of uniform are comforting in their unchangeability. I'm not talking one shirt and one pair of pants, but a general thematic leaning that you can count on. It makes their moments of deviance that much more impactful. Crazy all the time gets normal after a while, it becomes expected.
11/03 Direct Link
Stayed up too late. Frozen yogurt and caffeine at ten translates into wide awake and wired. Today is hell on wheels. Thirteen hours straight with only one half hour break. If it was work it'd be illegal. As only part of it is work, it isn't.†

Wednesdays were never my favorite day. I prefer Tuesdays and Thursdays. Fridays are always too short and too few.†

†I will not get a nap today. There's no amount of caffeine that will keep me buzzed and productive now that I haven't slept. I don't even get to enjoy Sunday panic.
11/04 Direct Link
Fall is an evil time of year where tiny gremlins plug up the sinuses of good little girls and boys and adults. They clearly are in league with the mucus from those commercials. They party, they laugh, they cause misery for all.

Sometimes they sit in the nasal passages and lounge on towels blocking things up so that they can throw wild keggers inside your head. They appreciate all of the drugs we throw their way. Tiny deviant gremlins that love to stuff your head with nonsensical mucus and horribly clog every airway. I hate them so very much. Hate.
11/05 Direct Link
Today I watched The Price is Right. It looked like a lot of fun. Certainly it looked extremely loud. Drew does a good job hosting the show. I missed the middle half, but I don't feel like this was at all confusing. I was too lazy to change the channel, which is how I ended up watching The Young and the Restless. Yep, Soap Operas haven't really changed in the last 20 odd years. Still full of histrionic, melodrama and more heinous plots than Snidely Whiplash and his entire evil family and love affairs than Elizabeth Taylor. They are weird.

11/06 Direct Link
Taking a class about bone diseases creates a bizarre sort of hypochondria. Normal aches and pains are suddenly symptoms of horrible bone disorders, micro-fractures and nutritional disorders. Some diseases are horrible, but easy to ignore, because you'd pretty much know if you had it, since it presents in childhood.

Then there's the diseases that you see and know that they're possibly sleeping inside of you just waiting to come out and say hi. Being female, well it isn't too hard to imagine breaking an osteoporotic hip.

It makes you want to compulsively consume dairy products, while doing resistance exercises.
11/07 Direct Link
Today we got caught in the rain. I was not wearing a jacket. We ran laughing for shelter in the liquor store, loitering just long enough to get a bit dry and wait out the freakishly intense but equally short burst of rain. When the rain let up we mad it to the cafe.

Because it was raining, I of course ordered ice cream. Who doesn't love ice cream in the rain? By the time we headed home just a bit later, the rain had moved on to surprise others and the sun was warm and the sky was blue.
11/08 Direct Link
Sometimes I believe that my†roommate's†mannequins come to life at night and having no heads do absolutely nothing but sit there not contemplating anything. How carefree their lives must be without the discomfort of brains or arms or legs to carry you anywhere. When they aren't sitting calmly in the nude, they are bedecked with fabric and finery, strewn with necklaces and ribbons. Of course they have their share of pinpricks, but without a brain to tell them they're in pain, what does a pinprick bother them anyhow? Such absent, still lives in quiet perfect absence.†
11/09 Direct Link

It doesnít feel like fall yet. Even though it is almost winter, and fall is effectively on its way out, my sense of the seasons is all warped out of shape. Today, my roommate and I spent the better part of the day trying to figure out how to get some bread. It is always weird to discover what you donít have in the house. We ended up going out to get soup with rolls. It was delicious and warm. We still have to go to the store and buy bread, but at least we had it then.†

11/10 Direct Link
If there ever is††a zombie virus, we're all going to die. Because no one will stay home. They'll think it is the flu and just get on a bus or in a car and go to work and spread that thing all over the damn place until no one is left standing.†

On the plus side, no one will probably notice a difference from the way things are right now. Everyone around me has been perpetually ill and gross and standing super close to me.†

That's why I want to go live in a bunker.
11/11 Direct Link
Totally devolved into panic today. I was supposed to take a train to see a well-loved friend, but I found myself hyperventilating and crazed. I was totally unable to calm myself down and leave. I felt like I could have made it out the door if I'd been able to find my iPod. My iPod is sometimes my shield against the world. When I don't have it, I feel naked. I finally found it, too late to leave. Instead, I cleaned the house. As a professional slob this is something generally undertaken as a last measure for sanity's sake.
11/12 Direct Link
Taking a class that focuses on disease is difficult for someone as hypochondriacal as I am. Every sort of ailment is something I could have. Every malady is something that could happen. Itís seriously annoying. The more bizarre aspect is, however, how many of the things weíve discussed are present in my mother. I could bring in her x-rays and probably use them for an extra credit paper. Hell, someone could probably get a masterís thesis out of my mother and her roster of illness and injury. I feel like her body could be a book.
11/13 Direct Link
It is happy holidays so soon now. I feel torn, like I can't wait for it to be here, and like it could wait for a whole lot longer. Time is going crazy fast and it is hard to keep up with it. Deadlines deadlines aaah deadlines.†

I am ready for a holiday nap induced by large amounts of triptophan from a giant turkey that gave its life for our sopophoria. Well and all the grapes that died to make the wine. All the fruits of the earth murdered for our culinary delight. Meanwhile, I have many more deadlines.
11/14 Direct Link
The pilot is out. It keeps doing this when it gets cold. No amount of pleading and fire will keep it lit. Every extremity is stiff with cold and ironically outside it is fair and warm and sunny. I can't go outside, I'm too busy.†

Working this project is making me sad. Sad because I have to finish tonight, sad I can't sit in the sun warming my hands and feet, sad because it represents everything that went wrong this semester.†

I keep getting blocked on what to write for this†recollection†of my failure. †
11/15 Direct Link
I haven't slept since yesterday. Also, I woke up early yesterday after going to sleep very late. I am floating on a sea of exhaustion. I had to take the rest of the week off of work, because the deadlines that are dogging me take precedence at the moment. I have a lot of deadlines.†

The file I was working on was turned in sort of haphazardly, because it kept trying to eat itself whenever I tried to fix it.†

Why on earth was it doing that? I have no idea. It's a crazy chicken world, right?

11/16 Direct Link
Does anyone else have the problems that children of engineers have? Is it just us or is it just anyone of our generation? This obscene accumulation of cords. Different lengths of CAT-5 suitable for different computer placement and visiting computers. Despite the wireless router that works for some but not others. Countless scanner and computer cables, the device they belong to long gone. Power converters,†adapters and extension cords out the wazoo. I have two drawers of miscellaneous cords and absolutely no inclination to throw them away. Meanwhile, I'm running low on zip ties so they keep tangling.
11/17 Direct Link
I went to get dinner and I chose poorly. I only took a bite before sending it back. The manager was super sweet about it. He seemed sorry he didn't say anything when I'd ordered it because apparently everyone's complained about it. It was like burnt washcloth covered in burnt bbq sauce.†

The second thing he gave me was totally fine. So dinner wasn't a bust, but who sells something that horrible? The picture looked good, but the actuality was totally disgusting. If I didn't know that the other menu items were actually good, I would have walked out.
11/18 Direct Link
My roommate introduced me to crack yesterday in the form of sesame and honey compressed into candy bar form. Two things I love in one great thing. I had to buy her another one because I ate hers. She however preemptively bought herself one, knowing that I'd probably eat it. Mostly because it is so delicious, she'd have eaten it. Someone I know once said, "you could put honey on a cat turd and it'd probably taste amazing". I don't think I'd go quite that far, but honey is pretty amazing. Then again, Sesame seeds are pretty awesome as well.†
11/19 Direct Link
I stayed up most of the night with an intermittently vomiting dog. Super fun. I was feeling a touch of insomnia to begin with, so it wasn't too hard to do. The two of us curled up and rested in half hour spurts then went through his ordeal then curled back up.

If I ever manage to reproduce, at least I know that I can handle that sort of ordeal with a minimum of fuss. I am sure there is a bit more panic involved in ones offspring's illness than that of ones dog. Maybe not? I don't really know.
11/20 Direct Link
My frigging desktop is dead again. Apparently jostling any of the cords makes it go kaplooey. Fantastic design element that. I hate it. Technology and I are not always good together. Beset of all, this week is break. So now I can't play any reindeer games because some wire is loose or some such. Also, it is making the most annoying noise as a result of whatever went wrong. This is not the most promising start to Turkey Day break. It is making roomie exceptionally unhappy. I can't blame her as it is really very annoying. I'm thankful for laptops.†
11/21 Direct Link
I love stormy days when I can curl up with the humans and dogs I love in comfy pajamas and watch stupid movies. Today there were rainbows and puddles and lightening and thunder. Also, coffee and dogs in sweaters and arguments over umbrellas.†

My sister found a scarf with built in pockets in the ends and I got fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm even when I need to type. My mom wants to hallow out the leftover pumpkins to make some pumpkin seeds. I found a bitchin' wool coat but I will wait til it's on sale.
11/22 Direct Link
Someone poisoned the dog with antifreeze. Aiming at the local strays I think. All the same they got him. They poisoned him and now he might die. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. People are assholes. I can't believe this shit.†

I keep breaking down into uncontrollable sobbing. How can people do this to the sweetest dog I've ever known. He's the best puppy. I can't stop crying. I want a time machine. I want him to be okay. I just want him to be okay. This dog survived cancer when no one said he would and now he's poisoned.
11/23 Direct Link
Today is a hard day. It is possibly one of the hardest days. There is palpable grief permeating the whole house, choking us. We are trying to distract ourselves in little ways to try and find a way to breathe again. He was a dog. He was the best dog though. Sweet and affectionate, never snapped or nipped or bit. He was timid but he always tried to be brave. Today he was very brave. We tried very hard to be brave. Then we all sort of fell apart. He was my roommate's dog, but he was loved by everyone.†
11/24 Direct Link
A day of tears and trying to cope. Spent the day driving and looking for a new home. We drove all day, looking at neighborhoods, trying not to get our hopes up. Trying to find a good place to settle next. I feel like a giant sobbing tumbleweed. Tomorrow I have to go be with my family. I'm both excited and full of dread. Will they be comforting and supportive or kick me while I'm down on accident? I was supposed to be there today, but other things took precedence, like not being homeless for the Holidays. Yeah sorta important.
11/25 Direct Link
Going to see Grandma for Turkey day. I'm really excited because I don't see her often. I hope it is really fun. Thanksgiving is such a weird holiday. But I do like Thanksgiving food. I will be there all day, so I hope it goes well. I won't have my computer until later, however, I will get to watch him play with his new tablet. He always has better toys than me. The perils of geeky parents with money. They have all the good toys. We're apparently having Italian thanksgiving, though none of us are Italian. It should be interesting.
11/26 Direct Link
I hate trying to figure out life. Life is hard. Life is confusing. Right now it is so much of all of that. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of my own anxiety. It's like this sticky ichor crawling down my throat and I almost never feel okay. Today I got some of that okay feeling at the animal shelter and I never wanted to let go. I just feel so anxious about everything. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I can't breathe. This was supposed to be my week off. Instead life exploded on us.
11/27 Direct Link
The idea of my own mortality is looming large in my mind lately. I want to have made a difference somehow in the world. I want to leave a mark. I want people to have felt some good from my having been here.†

Who knows how much time any of us has? I don't want to just slip away without anyone knowing. Does anyone? I just want something a little bit bigger, someone a little bit more. I feel a little lost, like things are slipping away too fast, too far without me. I want to make my mark.†
11/28 Direct Link
Finally got around to seeing my mother. I missed having turkey with her due to all the chaos surrounding the dog. She was mad. She hates Thanksgiving. She thinks I'm not thoughtful. Anyways it was a pretty nice day. She left the upset at the door, which I appreciated greatly.†

I was a bit of a basketcase as seems sadly usual at the moment. We went into Bed Bath and Beyond and everything made me want to cry. And then cry some more. My sister thought this was strange, but she is not really one to talk about it.†
11/29 Direct Link
First day back. It is an okay day so far. Ran into the least†likable†person I know right off the bat. How wonderful. I've got so much to worry about today. I just need to get myself and my roommate through to the end of the day and then worry about the rest of it.†

I think things will be okay if we can just manage one half day at a time. The commute today was alright. Which bodes well for the rest of the week. I have to find energy to clean out the apartment.†
11/30 Direct Link
Tried to find health insurance today. Wow. Seriously? One policy cost 5000 for four months of coverage. Holy crap. I am just trying to be responsible and avoid bills like that. I mean really? 5000 dollars for four months is despicable. Between that and looking for a new apartment I think I'm going to go crazy. It's all written in specialist. Which is code for 'harder to catch us cheating you'. It all makes me feel dirty. Dirty and terrified. Oh dear, are we all going to die in ruinous poverty? Oh well, only those of us that aren't you?