BY Gemini

12/01 Direct Link
The truth is scaring me. Its hard to grasp but I know it's true. The truth is there wont be a happy ending. Not for you any way.
I might be lucky, it's hard to tell.
I dont want to reveal it yet because the timing isn't right, this will run it's course and hopefully you will get out, but I know you won't
The more I open my eyes the more I want to force them shut.
You can't hide from the past. Its time that I let back in, its part of the reason there is no happy ending
12/02 Direct Link
I invent worlds in my head. Worlds where anything is possible, they are like more logical dreams. I control what people say and how they act. I never try and live in these worlds though because it would hurt when I return to reality.
It's best to leave those worlds behind until you need them.
These worlds aren't magical. It's the same dull landscape just containing situations which push together people that would never be together.
I remembered today that I am living in your dream world, I would do anything to make you see you have to let me free.
12/03 Direct Link
Trapped, let free. You knew what I wanted, you should of sensed it. I wanted my wings back. All you could do is catch my shadow, a image of my true self.
In a moment I was realeased, and better for it. It took time to realise what I was without for the cause of not being alone.
You are crushed, I am sorry.
But I am free
As I parted from you the wind blew in my face, it stung a fresh feeling, a feeling of possiblities. As I crept away into the bleakness
A single smile spread across my face.
12/04 Direct Link
Tonight I will dream of princes and tall towers. Films that inspire you to look into a grey cloud and see a shimmer of silver. In many ways happiness is a quest, you may find clues to where to find it. Today I saw images of perfection and dreams.
Everyone wants to find something to make life worth living, maybe if you dream of it some how it will find you.
In these films a beautiful maiden finds a beautiful man and they live beautifully. Maybe it's because of these films I have such high expectations on those around me.
12/05 Direct Link
Green, Thats the colour of the ground now. Bright sunshine burned those who looked up. Green is back. The freezing temepertures that gripped it are slowly slipping away, leaving what belongs behind.
The grass survived being buried under pure cold. Being compressed under such pressure. It Survived.
They say there is worse to come, the nights are getting longer and darker. That doesn't matter though, everyone knows it has to get warmer. Well that tradition anyway.
What if it gets so cold everyone forgets about the warmth, and people forget about the lush grass in the shade of green underneath.
12/06 Direct Link
You hate me. Im sorry. I knew you would hurt but this is childish.
You can not run from me. I am the shadow to everything. Everything to touch will be a reminder of me.
I speak from a vast bank of knowledge when I tell you it will take a while, Heck it may take a very long time. But there is a light. I have yet to reach this light.
I never told you anything but the truth. I would not do that. Now you will have to move on and grow up. I hope you get there.
12/07 Direct Link
I am scared of the dark. I always have been and I am pretty sure I will always be. Its not really the dark more dark spaces. The shadows distort and I get scared. I had to walk down a dark alley way. The ground had already frozen over.

I imagined what could happen, the risk I was taking.

So scared.

I wanted to run. but run from what? There was nothing to fear. I could still feel the sweat freezing to my head.

One step at time, closer and closer.
A childhood fear that I will never shake off.
12/08 Direct Link
I tend to wander from place to alce in my mind. As I sat I noticed some flecks on the wall.
The wall was red
Very very red.
On the wall there were flecks of paint. The paint was white.
The flecks were alone surronded by a red. They could not see any of the other flecks. Surronded. They did not know they were not the only flecks on the sea of red.
So the flecks would just stay there feeling different to everything else.
So there I sat, looking at a wall worrying about the flecks that were alone.
12/09 Direct Link
Familiarity is in scent. I smell various perfumes and they drag me back to memories of me younger. I smell scents of people I once loved and imagine how it would feel to hold them again. Sometimes people change and so do their scents. I smell hate on them. Only when close is the true scent revealed. The one I loved before it was lost. I used to cling to various smells, they brought me comfort.
Alone, I waited for you and all I had to comfort me was your faint smell on the thick collar of my coat.

12/10 Direct Link
You're like an oyester. You close up so tight it is impossible to break through. You contain something so valuable it might be worth it. The more I reach for it the closer you snap shut. I treasure you. So rough on the outside from being between by the tide, you are scared of threats.

Shut up so tight. As I stare at you you can hold my glance. even though I desperatly want to hold onto the chance that you may stop running.
Your the only one that can see me for who I am. 
12/11 Direct Link
I used to own a precious item. It probably only mattered to a few people but a small part of it was mine. Some saw it as a rough rock that crushed me. I saw it as my sparkling diamond.
But something went wrong. doesn't it always. My sparkling diamond was given up. As it was pulled from me I saw it was a rock that crushed my heart.
The rock was thrown by my side to make my torture worse.
But I don't give up hope. I carry that rock and sometimes it's mirror reflection is a sparkling diamond.
12/12 Direct Link

When time goes slowly I tend to resort to friends. Even if I can't be with them I can at least talk to them. Sometimes my closest aren't available to talk to. This often leads to me talking to those I will greet warmly but would never consider inviting home. They are the people that makes my atmospere postive. They are the people that smile because they don't care about my worries and I don't care about theirs. They are there no matter what.
To make time go faster.
To make any given day slightly more bearable. No matter what.

12/13 Direct Link
As I walked home I was surronded by happiness and friendship. The moment I am alone it changes and I become cold. It's not that I'm not happy, more I have time to think.
I found myself being pulled back.
As I crossed a space of grass I saw in my window a black streak. Like a tail. My cat. My sweet little cat.
Her tail swaying from side to side in the window like it always does.

I pause.
I remember.
she died last christmas.
the tail was the shadow cast by the top of the christmas tree. 
12/14 Direct Link
It's a horrible feeling not knowing what is happening. In so many ways ignorance really is bliss. There are so many occasions where I wish you hadn't told me the truth. It would stop me thinking and let me live in my little worlds.
You can not hide from the truth. Obviously some people tell you the false truth.
To hear someone talking about you is never pleasent. Especially someone you trusted. It always hurts more when the innocent ones turn out to be false friends.
My opinion has completely changed.
Let that be a little warning to you all.
12/15 Direct Link
Plans are over valued. There is always a thrill to stepping into the unknown. Even if it scares you there is something that makes you chill. It is the fact you have a small chance to break away from rules and routine.
To make your own path.
Planning. Planning. Planning.
People like plans. if the world exploded, that would be ok if we had planned for it.
Stepping into the unknown, that us what keeps you going.
To break free from the bonds of society and move forward at your own pace.
Sadly, the unknown can be a risky place.
12/16 Direct Link
Blood quickens. Tensions are rising. The end is so close and the sense of it is in the air. Quickly the time goes when your not counting. Second by second.
there are gaps today. Empty chairs, cold seats.
Waiting for the sound of freedom.
Second by second.
a quick check of the watch and time has gone quicker than expected.
I always seem to be waiting. If I only I knew what I was waiting for. Maybe I do.
The watch hasn't counted any more seconds.
A glance, a cold breeze.
Waiting. A quick dash, another glance. freedom for seconds.
12/17 Direct Link
I took something today that wasn't mine. There it was on the floor. It had little value yet I wanted it. Even before I touched it I knew it's importance.
It could fill a hole in my life. A simple move and it would be mine. No one would suspect anything. The owner would think they had been misplaced.
Simple pieces of fabric that meant alot to me.
Taken. Mine in a second.
The comfort they bring is unreal. A small reminder of the loss.
Safe. I know its a crime, but it doesn't feel like one.
It is mine.
12/18 Direct Link

'You look like you have been stabbed'!
do I? I don't feel like I have. Stabbing would be quick and over in a flash.
Interesting word choice.
Have I gone ghostly white?
I don't want to tell you the truth. You would think me an idiot. I am.
I haven't been stabbed. I have been ripped.
How do I explain? I can't, you will just have to believe me.
I have been divided and I want to be whole.
'I'm fine, I'm always ok'
It's not far from the truth.
I have forgotten how to feel the world. 

12/19 Direct Link
I completed a task I set myself today. A long time ago I promised myself I would hold you. Today I did.
When I first made this promise to myself I made it for other motivations.
I hugged you very briefly and you held me back. A small reach of your hand and my task was complete.
I only met you by slim chance. A taken opportunity.
I was happy that you responded.
Scared that you wouldn't
I killed the butterflies and hugged you.
It felt good. We have been friends a small while I could see no reason not too.
12/20 Direct Link
I made a snowman today.
No one believed I could do it.
The snow was wrong they said. That just made me more determind.
I piled the snow the best I could.
I needed to prove to those who didn't believe in me.
I never felt cold I just built. I made something for myself.
I wanted to call him 'sweat' purely down to the fact it was what went into making my snowman.
He is finshed now. Standing outside in the cold.
I wanted to leave a scarf on him.
The people who didn't believe said I was being stupid.
12/21 Direct Link
My snowman died today.
He would of melted eventually but he was broken.
I pulled open my curtains to find him smashed. Burning eyes.
I didn't want to know what happened.
My efforts smashed.
I wasn't angry, just upset.
Then a knock on my door. A familiar face.
An apology and chocolate bar. I was never angry just upset.
I tried to build a new one but I did not want to make the effort again.
It was night anyway.
I never thought I would know who killed my snowman. Now I do, it still doesn't seem important. Not really.
12/22 Direct Link
I don't see people for ages and yet suddenly I am pushed back to them again.
It's good to see friends which you have no matter what.
I am concerned you are changing. yearning for popularity when you don't need it. You should be happy. I have always loved you.
The more time I spend the more it feels natural.
destiny perhaps?
You have always been akward yet it never bothered me as you are all I know.
Its good to have a stable rock. I thought I had one once. It broke beneath me.
Please do not dissapoint me.
12/23 Direct Link
It is written. That is the only way to descibe the world.
If you had not began to slip from me I could not reach for another. Someone I can rely on. let into my life.
If I had not given up and fallen again then how could I be in this state of balance.
It is better to accept what happens. It going to happen anyway.
Being yourself it is the only way to get through. But how can I be myself with people who dont understand? It is impossible.
I hope you come back. I hope it's written.
12/24 Direct Link
I slept in late. I had no reason to get up. I thought about you, I thought about me and then I realised it was just a dream.
Once I pulled myself from the warmth I was greeted with a sad face. it sat. It made polite conversation. Then it asked.
The face said we were drifting.
I was being selfish.
Clearing the air for Christmas.
I have always been drifting, I built that boat for a reason.
To search for someone to trust me.
As I drift. I dont regret.
That sad face had there chance. I sail forever.
12/25 Direct Link
Even if this day is exactly the same every year. It is different some how. Emotions, atmospere, presents.
Woken earlier.
Forced to eat
Social visits
Family part of the day.
Each of these sections must be furfilled to make the day the what it should be. Don't get me wrong. It is a great day. It normally is.
Just once I want to do hings my way. Go out and feel the atmospere greet everyone I meet.
Smile. but smile because of circumstances I have created.
One year I will gather those I choose, not those tradition says I must spend with.
12/26 Direct Link
I cleared my room. Orginised and changed. It was only today I discovered how much I had changed in the last year. I am stronger. Far more confident in myself. I am happier. Better prepared.
I looked around my room. Very little of the old me is left. Maybe I just grew up.
Back then I thought I was grown up. I lost something, in a twisted way it changed me for he better, I am comfortable in my skin. I say what I think and let my words flow.
You get what you take time to discover. Simply me.
12/27 Direct Link
When I am with a special person, I go to a special place.
Somewhere I can not be touched and can be human. Share my life and hear another in return.
Walk and walk into the snow sharing.
I thought I went to this special place before. I was wrong.
The trust is there so I hope that validates my ticket.
Walls I build to keep so many out. I let you in.
In return you must understand what I am. The dark and the light.
The jealous side and all.
I know you can. That's why I picked you.
12/28 Direct Link
Everyone was in a hurry today.Bustling and shoving for no particular reason. Well there was a reason, I just don't think it is a valid one.
The shoving quickly turns into a frenzy when people become more tightly compacted. There is no fear. Just anger.
I found myself in the middle of this frenzy, I didn't mean to.
But there I was, trapped by hundreds of people surging forwards for their own selfish needs.
If I had cried I doubt a single tear would of been noticed.
If I had laid down I was of been trampled by people.
12/29 Direct Link
Social situations are the most horrible of them all. One word out of line and you are judged. However it is also a big crime not to utter a single word.
When people are invited to your house you are expected to be a source of amusmant. With the social pressure on many things can go wrong.
You could completely embaress yourself in private and not give a second thought to it.
The fact you will be judge is the source of pain.
To think another human may think badly of you.
Now that is the real problem for us.
12/30 Direct Link
Sitting round doing nothing is a good idea.
You don't know how pleasing it is till you try.
I sat there alone unaware of anything and waiting for nothing.
I sat there considering the fact I was doing nothing.
Tomorrow I'm going somewhere I don't want to.
Forced to dance to a tune I don't agree with.
But for now I will sit here. Thinking about the fact I am sitting.
Maybe I will get up, but what is the point?
If I get up I will be reminded of the world.
I don't want that to happen.
12/31 Direct Link
This year I was:
Strengthened my Knowledge
Strengthened my ties with two amzing people
Discovered who people really are
Discovered who I really was
Tried some things I never had before
Tried to give someone another chance
Made friends with people I would normally just say hello to
Made myself proud
Took something
Took to long to know I needed to move on
Lost someone I loved
Lost trust in someone again
Held someone's hand I didn't want to
Held a beautiful bird
Saved someone from pain
Saved a few tears
Fell in a stupid situation
Fell out, crashed and bruised
Wanted the past to repeat
Wanted to leave

The next year is going to very interesting. Bye 2010