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It is a new year. A fresh start yet there you are. I have always consider packing those things closest to me in a small case and going away.
Leaving everything behind me. I wouldn't ever do it but sometimes the thought pops into my mind.
A fresh start.
This fresh start is just numbers. Meaningless. I will of course try to follow the tradition of improving myself.
Though I know it will never happen. The temptation is too great.
I will however try and finsh something. A creation which I want to breath life into. The power I have.
So you have should me your true colours. I laugh, I smile I go along. But there you are with your dark side, not even noticing it cuts me. It doesn't just cut me it hurts those I love most.
I can love you on a shallow level but you will never gain the truth.
You make me smile alot. But that is all.
Making me smile counts for little.
A smile is part of my make up, The make up which prevents many hurting me.
I apologise. I do love you. I just can't be myself when your around.
The world has gone crazy. Panick everywhere because we are told to. A powerful source expected not to share an opinion are up in arms. If they had their way every person would be out on the streets protesting. It would sell a headline.
Panick panick, rising costs. Storm an attack. The powerful lords are beaming down curses.
The end is near and there is nothing you can do.
Slowly society goes mad. Worrying and saving. Worrying. Always filled with concern.
And all the while there I am, watching from above, judging everyone and everything. As the world burns.
I am a picky eater. Not because I don't like food. I just love what I like and hate what I don't. Not too complicated.
There I was happily eating and you bend over and take it. Something I loved, right off my plate and straight into your gob.
I begin to protest. I get told off for not sharing.
Told I am cold and heartless and does it matter.
Then you take three more.
I don't, how is this funny? you just stole something I value. Thats right lets all have a massive laugh. Ha Ha Ha.
Why do people point out the damn obvious. It's obvious, therefore save your breath. Spare the words. Save them for something special. When they have power to do something.
Reach for falling straws and all you will speak words that have already fallen from the bale of true speech.
Fine amuse yourselves. But I warn you we are slipping and I hope i am not the only one to notice. Fear of silence is what drives us.
Silence is a blessing in the right moments.
For now I will accept it, but it will wear me down. Down to bone.
I feel these entries grow in pain. I hope you don't judge me because of them. I am divided you see, these entries are half of it, the half which can't be expressed.
The other half me is normal, what is expected from me. I am happy to do what society requires.
I read entries too. Normally the ones that appeal to me. I search for the ones I find familarity in. The same expressions.
In recent days little has happened. Well nothing new has happened, I like new. I don't want tha past. Only if I can change it.
Head aches. Need to sleep. eyes know what I want. I'm giving in.
Bam. I am awake, still talking. I know what the clock says but I want it to change.
Briinngg. Stay awake, follow the pace, crowd surges.
Let it carry me on.
As I walk my eyes are closing. A bus drives past. I used to look up. I still want to.
I walk and walk.
through the door I go. Smiling faces meet me. They have made me gifts, took my hand.
How is it possible to be angry when love is around.
Talk and Talk at me, only some words will sink through. I am half you and half the other.
You speak as if you will change, but how can I change when I don't know what you want.
I know what needs to change and it is not me. It is a character that can never be re written.
From a day of a negative beginning comes a day of postives.
A friend, someone who I don't have to be myself around.
It is easier to get along that way.
A day of two half, wouldn't be with out them.
I watched today. Not much really just fictional characters going about their lives attempting to create a story. The main hero was dashing and his love was dark.
It wasn't great I will be honest and contained little truth. You don't just stumble across the truth. You don't just discover a missing clue that is vital.
And you certainly don't just win affection like that.
It annoys me how perfect the world is painted. Sure, people died but the 'hero' pranced on through. Didn't seem to matter to him at all. I hate people like that. Always so damn perfect.
It is hard to fake a smile. Especially when someone knows what yours should look like. When I smile it spreads and pushes through everything forcing it to fold. I don't really like it. When I fake smile my eyes go dead. You can't be happy on que.
I have a teacher and when he smiles his whole face disappears. all is left is his smile. Like a cheshire cat. Someone else I know when they smile the skin creases and bends away. A sign they never do fake smiles. I used to make them smile. A long time ago.
The book I am reading disgusts me. The writer seems to believe people move on. No they don't. They push to the back of the mind and try and lock it up. Maybe it is just me but my uncontroled jealousy means I can not see the logic. A girl dclares she is passionatly in love. Fine. She has two of his children and she forgets him. You can't just forget!
Even thinking about it makes me angry.
Surprising isn't it. To be so annoyed by words.
I better stop thinking. It will drive me to a place I hate.
I found my diary yestarday. I was so different, so young and so damn happy. I didn't look any different yet my words are a scrawl across the page. I drew small pictures and called my firends code names. But the last two entries hurt the most. My happiness is painful now. My old words written for my new heart to weep.
I read and crumbled, my old life creasing.
I couldn't help but think of Miss Havisham, I felt her tears because they were mine.
It is not only the heart that breaks.
She isn't mad, just sorely hurt.
Tension was building. Slowly and slowly time ticked forward. Not fast enough.
Hand me the paper now. Please I need to know my fate. Snatch.
Relief pure relief. It is over the results are in and I am save.
Pure joy and happiness. Mainly surprise.
Sjaring the joy with others and others share back. You share.
I held those pieces of paper as if they were made of gold. To me they are valuable.
To me they prove I can do it. I just need to believe. Cheesy line I know. I dont care. I never need study maths again.
We are all bitches. All I see nowadays are stabs and fights.
Cracks appearing in what I know. People say others change when I am around. I know. Divides in what I am happy with are splitting. I warn you I can never make a choice. Between colours, between food and certainly not between people. Thats A lie, secretly I have chosen. They know I have chosen.
Please stop splitting my world apart. I can see the cracks and I want polyfiller.
You don't just make the cracks I am guilty to. Just thought you should know, aren't I lovely.
It was tiring to say the least, falling from place to place. Drifting from another dream with the same message to the door. I peel back the frame to see my bedrock.
I hurry them upstairs as I know the need for speed.
I slip in warmth and comfort. This is how it should always be.
As we walk I smile and share my mind. I hope you know I apprectiate this. I don't share everything but this is for your own good.
I share what I feel you will care about. Secretly I will write the rest down somewhere.
I watched old videos with my family today. There I stood on the screen in a blood red ballet outfit. Toes outstretched smiling back at myself. So innocent to what was to come. My beaming face in every scene flicking from memory like a fleeting bird.
My soft hair like feathers and big eyes gleaming at the camera. As I watch I can't help but think back to the fact I was unaware that I unaware. I want to reach into the screen and hold myself, promise the small girl it will be ok. She already knows adults always lie.
I studied Miss Havisham today. Some people think she is crazy. I don't I feel every emotion she is feeling. I want to tell her it will be ok but she has to learn to trust people. Why a ficitonal character would listen to me I don't know But I feel I have to help her.
The world she lives in that is frozen in time is in my head, Locked away. Sometimes I can't help but turn the key.
The poor lady. I want to help her tidy away her rotting wedding cake. I want to cry with her.
Peck Peck Peck. A little woodpecker, thats what you are today. Peck peck peck like a drill in my head slowly pushing your way in. What started as a small poke has developed into a constant droning. Please stop. I am happy for you to sit on my should like a woodpecker but not drill away like one.
You seem to fly from head to head slowly drilling into other peoples heads. Now it my turn, You will fly of soon and I will admire you once again but for now all I can hear it Peck Peck Peck Peck.
I can not bear to be near you! Yo love yourself and expect everybody to do the bloody same!
You can't bear the fact you are not alone and others have feelings and needs to. You would much rather stomp and kill anyone that won't step a side.
Well here I am, I build a brick in front of you to stop you charging through.
Someone needs to bring you down. You deserve it that is all you do to others.
Blood may be blood but It means nothing to me. You are no closer to me because of it.
What are you opinion's on irony. I found it enjoyable to watch and see how it can really turn your world inside out.
I find it hard to think about the futre of irony, any I move I make may create a joke in the future. My nickname for example that has great potential to be irony. A warped irony.
You got hurt today, that was ironic. You insulted me, rubbed it in my face. It turned out that insult is what they call you. You got hurt today. I was shocked and worried. But then I just smiled.
It seems all to be about appearence. A certain topic has kept cropping up and I don't like it. The fact you could rate someone in a glance is cruel. True beauty is within, a phrase everybody knows but don't listen to! Rating a girl, rating a boy. Whats the point, these words won't change the world.
I can't help but think it is sad. One person understands me, thats something.
But then again I do cling to compliements.
The fact that someone believed I was beautiful changed me. The fact someone could bear to reach out and understand me.
I hate making choices. I pretty sure they get harder and harder the further you fall in. How do I know what I want in the future! why does every tiny move I make have to pave my future. Thats a lot of responsibilty for someone like me.
I would prefer to be given a manual. step by step guide.
Damn this is hard, why do i even bother, I should hirer someone. Thats not a bad idea. Get someone to run my life and ask for my opinion everynow and again. Now where could I find someone like that.
I made a plan! Is that not what everybody loves! but here I sit waiting and waiting wanting to be some where else, that is what was planned. So here I sit waiting and wondering why I have been forgotten again.
I haven't done this to kick up a fuss. You don't even notice when you get back I have been waiting.
You don't even understand me enough to see the concern in my eyes as I look at the time and look at you.
For goodness sake I don't want to spell it out. Please just get me there
I did it again didn't I? Im sorry I screwed up. I try and promise myself that I wouldn't shove you around, damage you. But I did, I am sorry. Not only did I hurt three people today I hurt one I care about. Not directly, it was an accident. I didn't even mean it this time.
I promised I would express myself in words but here I am punching and shoving again. I suppose I get closer to you.
The scars you get from this you keep forever. I have a scar like that. Mine however is skin deep.
what was that? No. It can't be. There is that buzz again. those butterfliew are flapping. I feel sick, like I did before. Sick with joy, I think. I had forgotten it, that feeling of bliss. Only for a couple of seconds but it was there. Damn! how do I know this is right? Please someone I don't want to fall again. I did not think it would be you.
Or want it to be. It doesn't fit completely. Those I trust have already judged me. Thanks for that. Ce sera ... whatever will be will be. Here I stand again.
Damn, Here I am again. That choice which seems impossible to make. A real destiny changer. So here it is. You may not be the greatest looker but you hear me when I speak. You comment and listen. You bring actual feeling to the table. But then I think wait no. I don't know how I feel. Maybe this is the wrong way to be running. You there haunting me as well. Like some body dragged across me mind. It my own fault really. I feel so much more confident now. It would be sweet but I am scared.
I had to trust someone today. I reached out with my arms and and tumbled backwards. I considered what would happen if you did not catch in those seconds where I fell. The shock, the shame as well as I would have to pick myself of the ground. Arms outstreched I fell backwards completely devoted I closed my eyes as I fell into deeper darkness.
You weren't going to catch me. Even more moments passed.
Any moment now, please.
Suddenly you stop me. Hands against back trying to stop me falling. I can say I was surprised. Very surprised.
Pears and Custard. That is what will stick in my mind today. Many other things happened but this, this will stay forever.
You as a mother have never been constantly happy. In rare moments we laugh together without the fear of you snapping or finding something I say unfunny.
You promised me custard and pears as we attempt to make them I do not look closely enough. Suddenly everything is ruined. I have done it again. It is ruined you snap at me. I don't mean to but my eyes begin to burn. I am sorry I mucked up again.
A day of two halves. The first one of true fear and then comfort. Breathless walking and waiting. Your hand around mine. I can't help but smile. What does this mean? Weare together? yes? You part a bit hurridly if im to be honest. Its almost as if you confused. That makes two of us.
The second half loud music and ears drums ringing. I stand with someone we jump and bob. You always make me smile. Even when you do not even mean to. Im glad I have proof to show we are friends. You very hard to capture.
I think. Yes I am pretty sure. I know this feeling. It is the scary one. The one I didn't think I would ever feel. Well here I go. Tumble tumble. Watch as my wings snap and I become chained again. Chained with a smile on my face. I saw my past today and I couldn't help but smile. The fact you stared at me with those eyes did not freeze me in the past.
It brought me joy to know, I was there.
So now I smile because I mean it. That gap in my heart has regrown now.
Disapointment, Thats all I ever am to you. I forgot to buy a card for someone, I didn;t tell you all the facts in one go, I didn't break it to you gently.
As I sit there with you yelling and screaming I think and pull away from you. I don't want to stay in this reality. I slip into mine.
I don't come back till there is a low whisper in my ear.
MY father bends over and tells me.
'Don't go into your little world, it is scary place to go, don't get lost in there'
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