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This month I am going to read my entries down to the last letter. I am sick of tired of reading over my words and struggling to understand them myself.
I try to make a point and express something yet when I read it over everything is pointless because it doesn't hold together. Any value slips through.
I am annoyed. So from now on expect to be able to understand what I am saying.
That isn't a promise, that is what I am hoping for. So I will type slower and read over so I can express what I think.
So the next step in my life has been decided. I got accepted. I can't say I am surprised. Pleased.
yes pleased sounds best.
I didn't have many doubts I would get in. Most people did. But now it's been decided I can't help but wonder what could of happened if I had left education now. I mean I wouldn't ever consider that.
But people have. People are.
Seems to young to start life. At least for a couple more years I can hold onto some sort of structure that has been made for me.
I am not ready yet.
Little april showers. So sweet somehow. Blinding sunlight for the whole day which slowly pulled energy out of me. The the clouds darken and things begin to make more sense.
Reaching out into the pouring rain. Water trickling over nerve.
It is warm some how. yet it feels cold against my face. I want to step outside and lie.
My outstreched hand will have to do.
Little april showers.
Damn I want to be outside. I would much rather go for a walk now. This is weather I enjoy. Something clean about water from miles away on your head.
'Oh day of pressure' is what I shall call this. I worked and worked for hours on end trying to change things and edit things. Slowly I begin to fall away. Eyes burning to stay awake. I don't think I can take much more of this. Even if I do make the improvements what is to say it will be enough. I need those marks. I think I can make it here. I can feel that it is nearly over.
One final push and I might make it.
I need those marks.
I need them so bad my eyes burn.
I sit and wonder if you know I am going to miss you.
I haven't known you long but off you go. Straight away.
It isn't like you were going to teach me next year.
It was quite lucky we met at all. But I will miss you all the same.
I am sorry if I annoyed you. Left you standing in the silence for longer than is polite.
I am sorry if my snide comments hurt you at all. You know some of your lessons clashed with my social life.
So good luck I should say. I'll miss you.
I have damaged myself again. My mind is in a frenzy and I can't stop it.
Controlling everything. I don't think I have ever needed for things to be this perfect before. Especially not now.
I sit and work through document and document saving and sending till I can't remember what I need to do.
Endless lists of scrawlings.
The endless murmuring of the printer seems to be the only contact with reality.
And then a brilliant idea crosses my head. Why don't I put my clothers in rainbow order. That will cheer me up.
It is nearly the holidays.
Well I suppose there is only one true thing to comment on today. I hope you had a good time. I tried to fit in and absorb into the crowd.
You know I can never really do that, Don't you?
No matter how ever much I try I just can't forget that I can't be like that.
Sure I will try but I will always be the one that sits and watchs and passes comments.
Not that I need to fit in.
I love you. I hope you know that.
Even when I'm cruel and cutting. You are my bedrock.
"you're just a silly little boy" said the lord of the flies,
"just and ignorant,silly little boy"
"Don't you agree?"
Simon answered in the same silent voice.
"well then" said the Lord of the flies.
"you'd better run off and play with the others. They think you're batty."
Simon's head tilted up slightly. his eyes could not break away from the Lord of the flies.
"what are you doing out here all alone?"
"Pig's head on a stick"
"fancy thinking the beast was something you could hunt and kill!"
"you knew, didn't you? I'm part of you"
You were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them
Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof love
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worse
Broken trust and broken hearts
Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear away.
You're so hypnotising
could u be the devil, could you be an angel
your touch magnetizing.
They say be afraid
you're not like the others, futuristic lovers
different DNA, they dont understand you
You are from a whole other/another world
a different dimention
you open my eyes
and im ready to go, lead me into the light
Kiss me, k-k-kiss me
infect me with your love, and fill me with your poison
take me, t-t-take me
wanna be your victim, ready for abduction
boy, you're an alien, your touch so far away
its supernatural, extraterrestrial.
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine.
London. The capital. Here I am again.
I don't think i could deal with living in London.
Funny as it sounds I am terrified of it.
You hear about how amazing it is.
It really isn't. Even today people were shocked by the amazing buildings. Why? they are just made from the ugliest of buildings and are pretty pathetic in the grand scale of things. They will crumple soon.
It just fills me with disappointment. There isn't anything grand about them. They are just the same. Why bother pretend.
I wonder how many people that live in London really care.
It is a bit of a joke how long it takes to do this paper round. Down through roads which I wouldn't have business in normally. Pushing through bits of paper which people probably don't want.
It seems very rude to march up to someones do, pull out a pretty worthless paper and shove it into their home.
Not to mention the annoying little adverts I have to hand out with them.
I feel I should try and save people from this forced torture of looking at what year 5's in the local primary school do.
Poor poor society issues.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
I know you.
You don't think I am able to do this. That I am still a little girl that needs to be lead and taken to her resources.
How will I ever prove to you that I am not.
These two feet are ready to stand alone and walk without being pushed.
I try to look respectable peeling back hopeful faces to try and reveal one of maturity and everything good.
Place a dress of smartness over that face of everything good and hope the two will make a good image.
Shoes however will never be quite right. Shoes can jog on.
A dream is meant to show you what you want and reflect your day.
I am scared.
My dreams hold something to fear. They show me making the same mistakes. Falling into the same traps. And holding out for something that will never be perfect.
You reach for me and we are together for moments in my mind. Your famailarity makes me so sad.
Even in my dream I know this is wrong yet here we are again.
Running around it pointless circles. Here I sit looking at the rain wondering when this shattered wounds will heal away for good.
I don't mind days that pass slowly. I filled them with pointless things. Like the sims. The sims is an amazing game were you can control everything. Even if they wouldn't be like that normally. I get concerned when the sims have a betetr life than me. Though the poor things arent alive for long, poor little poppets.
I do like giving them funky hairstyles though. Bright red is always a winner.
Yet I still find myself judging these little pixels as they run around the screen. Sometimes they really do know how to annoy me. Another day wasted then.
Well I have a job. Hard to believe from now on every saturday I will be working throughout the day. The money will be good but I'm going to have to sacarfice things that I haven't really lost before.
I do feel I was forced into it. I was happy enjoying the weather to consider the plots to get me off my bum.
Hopefully it should go smoothly. I have had a couple of panic attacks but got my head round it abit.
I will be a picture of a perfect waitress serving and smiling. With the concern locked away.
I haven't been swimming for a while, and it was good to go with friends. I tried to remeber to put protective cream on yet somehow I still got delightful burning cheeks. The morning was spent trying to channel all energy into finshing a paper I really didn't understand.
The afternnon was spent channeling my energy into enjoying the time I have left without many responsibilities. I am looking forward to summer. Can't be long now.
Days like this in a long string with little concern of what will happen because there is very little happening. Its Not long now.
It was very hot today. I couldn't focas on much else but the intense sweltering heat.
My face was burning from the damage done yestarday.
I tried to put pen to paper and send words onto the page that would impress my english teacher.
Even though it is only a select few that she will ever really like. Pretty sad really.
Finally I finsh and it feels good to know i have forced myself through it and now I can rest, rest without guilt of knowing I should be spending the time on another task.
Not a bad day altogether.
I am the girl that is fine.
I am never sad, not really. More angry. I have nothing to be sad about. Yet somehow very few things allow me to say I am great.
Not that I say I am fine. I wouldn't ever say that. I would be questionned. I don't want to explain. Not really.
I dont lack anything, not really. There are those far worse off. Yet somehow I never quite feel I am telling the truth to how I am feeling.
So 'I'm Fine' will do nicely. It covers what I mean, just without the truth.
So the White rabbit showed Alice three paths. Alice recognised them and they filled her with grief. The first path, was dark round the outside yet a small gold thread ran down the middle, you had to squint to see it. This path was one Alice thought most of.
The second path was bright and sunny however, no matter the warnings Alice knew it was the wrong path.
There was the third path. Alice wanted to tread this one. But the reason she wanted to take this path was because it reminded her af another path. The very first path.
A new job. That is what I started today. I was terrified I wouldn't have a clue what to do. But I was surprised. Confused horrified face. I am glad I fitted in quickly. It didn't take too long and now I am looking forward to it.
Any worries have gone I suppose. Sad about the loss of saturdays though. That is a loss.
I am going to miss fencing and days out. less free time that I didn't value before.
But there is the green stuff and that doesn't go a miss. Especially next year. I will need clothers.
Well I suppose the theme of this entry is obvious. Happy easter everyone. I always wonder if easter should be more important than christmas. Without easter what is the point of christmas.
Sure it's a birth. But without Easter he would of just been another guy that told stories.
But without christmas there wouldn't be then there wouldn't be the man in the first place.
It seems silly that christmas seems to hold more weight.
As much as I enjoy Christmas I do think it has become far to marketisied.
Easter on the other hand seems to be completely forgotten.
"So" said the White rabbit "Have you chosen which path will lead you home?"
"Well" Said Alice " I know that home is really happiness"
The Mad hatter smiled.
" I have treat many of these paths yet I Know the truth"
" Don't be silly" screamed the Mad hatter " No one knows the truth"
" You may of walked the paths Alice, But you know that they damaged you"
" your innocence, it gone know and you want it back"
"Then I will never walk another path again!"
" Don't be silly Alice"
" You will always rewalk those paths in your mind"
Screamed Mad Hatter
There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound
There's a drumming noise inside my head
That throws me to the ground
I swear that you should hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound
Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell
I ran to a tower where the church bells chime
I hoped that they would clear my mind
They left a ringing, in my ear
But that drum's beating loud and clear.
As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up.
Jealous. Pure green evil.
Never do I feel emotions so intense. That ugly green monster buried deep within me it is embedded.
I can't be thinking straight. Yet I seem to be.
I can't cope with this. I have to remember the facts.
I hate. All this left unsaid.
I hate it! I hate you.
I hate feeling so evil and cruel. But please stop.
Imagings running away.
So scared of realtity matching my inner green monster.
Stop talking. Look into my eyes and stop hurting me.
I hate you so much.
Stop teasing this green monster. It hurts badly.
Why do adverts seem to get more and more annoying. Presuming I can relate to the advert. Why do they make middle age women excited by their silly product.
Some adverts even make me feel physically sick. Seriously! It isn't normal. Close ups of food always get me, I can't bear to look at them. you shouldn't see food that close up. Seeing people moving their mouths as if you had your nosed pressed to their face. Too close. Far too close.
Adverts try and force me to buy things I don't want. I know what I need, not that!
A royal engagment. A beautiful one at that. A real fairystory. It went smoothly and no one could ruin it. Even though I know I will never meet them, and they don't know I exist, I couldn't help feel happy for them. The timing and perfection of the day was unreal. They were so happy and everyone was there to share it with them. It wasn't a day done because It needed it, it was done because they loved eachother. Everyone wants a fairytale.
I realised I wasn't living mine, no matter how much I wanted it to be mine.
There are many types of girls. Girls which are beautiful and are happy with themselves. Then there are girls who get labelled 'Hot'. I never really understand this concept. The reason they are classed as hot is because they degrade themselves to animalistic desires. Few are actually happy and indulge themselves in hiding who they are because they don't think this will be attractive.
People declare people are hot, I find they are normally the vilest of human beings. If you are not happy with your appearence become a nicer person, accept who you are, someone will find you eventually.
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