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BY Gemini

05/01 Direct Link
I enjoyed certain aspects of nature today. The bleached white tress, the small pretty weeds that sprung up in various places. The weathered stone and the soft hazy light. Walking around attempting to capture it on my camera.
But then the familiar feelings started and I began to zone out. Every part of me longing for comfort. I just get snapped at if I mention aything. I wouldn't want to ruin a perfect day, So I sit tight.
Waiting and slowly slipping out. I scroll through pictures of the day. Waiting for it to stop. Finally I fall back in.
05/02 Direct Link
Meditate and think of your happiest moment.
I don't want to. My happiest memory only brings me sadness now. Yet somehow I still cling to it. Even while my head slowly dissolves and changes I still have that one memory.
That one memory once in the snow, when everything was innocent and the cold didn't bother me. From then on I was never cold again.
But that Happy memory should be gone.
It should of forgotten itself and folded back into the happiness that made it.
But there it is, quick think of a memory more acceptable.
Please go away.
05/03 Direct Link
A day with a common theme. Hands. Today I hurt my finger as a pen dug in, partly my fault partly another. Hands slowly holding me in realtity, holding me in my place. Pushing hands shoving me away. Soft palms, broken skin.
Scarring on hands. Who did that?
Pressing of skin to another, from the past.
Hand around finger.
Soft tissue against palm.
The palm revealing secrets I am yet to know.
Hold me there. Please. I can't bear it. Hold me in my place and don't let me fall away. I want to be there. Holding your hand, please.
05/04 Direct Link
Only a few days before I am considered older.
I don't want to move on. I have been forced into an adult world and I want to cling to last year. If only I could somehow stop certain moments and collect them like film clips. But somehow it marchs on and soon I will fold up my uniform and move along in the rat race we call life.
But to reach happiness I have to move on. Somehow I have to leave any remains of happiness I once knew and keep going.
It isn't like I can stop now really?
05/05 Direct Link
It is getting worse again. It is because I am running out of time. I can't bear it. Soon I will be away and you won't know. Oh God, you won't know what I scream in my head. What I whisper under my breath. Time is running out and I thought some how.
It is all wrong. I did everything I could. But then you.
Next year it will be different. I can't decide if that is better. Next year it will be different.
I can't help but wonder. What would of happened if I hadn't of woken up then.
05/06 Direct Link
Why are you being such a twat? I appreciate you have your own opinion, and once not too long ago, you appericated others have them too. Even if you didn't like them. You do it for effect I suppose. Drawing attention to your life by screaming about it. You don't have to scream, just let go and try and see what you are doing to yourself.
Recently you have lost that edge that made it enjoyable to be with. Now you are what you hate. A slight dick thinking your opinion has more weight than others, which you hate.
05/07 Direct Link
Two scruffy little pigeons sit on top of a building. Feathers ruffled they bend towards eachother to exchange heat.
Their beaks covered in feathers and dirt. Softly cooing to one another. Those little birds were cold and bedraggled yet somehow they managed to look like one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Their soft feathers ruffled and smooth.
Standing out against the elements and holding strong.
Little faces pressed against their other half.
The wind picked up and they flew on it.
Soft beating of wings and they were gone.
They only knew it was their time.
05/08 Direct Link
A day well spent I suppose. Revising. What else would I be doing? The exam are closing in on my frightening lack of knowledge.
Soon I will be classed as older and expected to act so, doesn't mean I will.
I never will.
But it means it will soon be the end of what I know. Lessons go by and I think.
That is the last time I will ever sit here like this.
I suppose in time I will realise the importance of this.
But for now, I will do as expected. Revise and re-learn. Not long left now.
05/09 Direct Link
Remember when we were such fools
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
You said forever
And ever
Who knew
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling.
05/10 Direct Link
Why is it only those that don't notice what has happened? Those that say the occasional nice word but nothing more question me. Maybe because people are used to me it is what is expected. I don't want to tell anyone, I don't know why.
Possibly because people won't understand. Or wouldn't want to. Or couldn't understand.
Right on the edge.
Only a few hands holding me back.
Sometimes I feel those hands slip and I am over the edge, wind in my face. free falling. a soft rope holding me back. But they can't hear the instructions I'm yelling
05/11 Direct Link
I try and capture the moment. Because these are the last of them.
The last moments here and there. The last time I will sit with these people. The last time I will grumble about this.
The last time I will sit here.
Smiling in photos as things are captured properly.
But Snap shots in my mind. I can memorise things, curves, stretchs and lines.
But they won't hold me where I want to be.
This is really it now. I don't know what I thought. That it would be. better. Somehow it would be like I wanted. It's not.
05/12 Direct Link
Drunk parties in the middle of a field. It is hard to know what really happened. I am just sad they don't happen more often. I really enjoy getting out and speaking to people I wouldn't even consider before.
It was late and I enjoyed the thrill of the dark. The things you can get away with. The laughter and the joy. Funny how a drug can bring everyone together. You don't feel social barriers and you can be you.
I enjoyed this evening. I would like to think I strengthened realtionships. It should happen more often. It won't now.
05/13 Direct Link
I can't stand middle class upper people who think they are completely upper. Why you would call you child such a silly name is beyond me! I suppose they don't get bullied in the private education you force them through. The jobs they will get will be surronded by their superior kind. And they will make more children to infest and down grade society.
They are the people how sneer. They are the people that are the worst in the society. even though they blame others. they consume resources like there is no tomorrow. Because they are selfish human beings.
05/14 Direct Link
A different group of people. Strange at first the akward silence as you ponder things to say to one another. Stranger still when the first silence is broken and you try to keep the conversation alive. Strangest still when you think back on it and relise you shouldn't really of worried. That the silence had to be broken.
Stranger still how the silence can desend straight back again when you aren't looking and your back at sqaure one wondering.. heck! Better think of something say which doesn't sound desperate.
This is when mind reading would be a mighty useful skill.
05/15 Direct Link
Why are you doing this? you are there and again and again you reply like you.. dare I say it...Care?
But how long will it last. I know what I will dream tonight and it won't last. It never does. Broken again.
 So while I accpet this will pass and you will do your normal thing and leave me wishing for the other part.
Try and remember that I will always be there.
Because even if your not, I am.
Though I hate you so much. I am happy when you are there.
So please, change for me.
05/16 Direct Link
So I sat there for my first exam. Sometimes my mind wandered but mostly I held it together.
Trying to focas on the french being yelled at me. I suppose I understood most of it. I suppose so anyway.
I never know how I do with exams. I always walk out feeling I did my best and there was nothing else to do. So I suppose that is the best way to be. Whatever I got as a result was the best I could do. And if that isn't enough for them. Well they can do the exam themself.
05/17 Direct Link
I prayed last night. A thing I rarely do out loud anymore.
I prayed to be happier. Even though I am, I prayed to be happier.
I didn't expect an answer. You get used to it after a while.
But today I felt something click.
Something deep inside me. Like something was turn off. I accpet things now. The past is never likely to repeat. and if it does I am prepared, because I will treasure what I have and it doesn't mtter what I have lost because somehow things will work out.
They always do. eventually. Thank you.
05/18 Direct Link
Oh how I dislike this subject.
Luckily the questions weren't too bad. Oh heck what am i saying. I don't really know what I did and how well I did it.
I will be glad when it is half term. then it will be over.
I will be free and I can go to the next stage.
I don't mind waiting for resutls because I forget I am I getting them.
In many ways I don't really want them.
Prefer not to know.
Does that make sense?
Nope. It doesn't really make sense to me either.
Only a few now.
05/19 Direct Link
You looked at me and saw what I never could see
You made me feel more than I thought I could ever be
And when I needed a friend you were always there to lift me up
To make me strong
You're not gone
You're still here
With me all the time
You're still here
When I close my eyes
I still see you
And we'll never be apart
You're still here
Still here in my heart
In my heart
I knew how it felt to be loved
You made me feel beautiful 'cause you believed I was
And I will never forget how you touched my life
You made me feel like I belong
You live on.
05/20 Direct Link
OH! I messed that one up quite impressivly!
It was the exam I wanted done with. It is done. That is for sure.
Finished.
Oh happy days I am glad that is through.
I won't do a retake. Maybe I don't need it.
I rarely screw things. In exams that is.
Only when I was out and talking the truth, in all its glory hit me.
N'aww shite. Is all that can really express it. I apologise for my lack of vocablary.
Well results will snap round soon enough.
Then kapoww. Fate will of spoken. A kapoww to your future.
05/21 Direct Link
I don't think I can really explain how pleased I was to see you.
As I did my little meerkat impression. I saw you mirroring me. I tried to run to you and remembered I was holding cutlery.
Place it down. Then run quick sticks to my best friend.
We hug even though we shouldnt. So many things to tell you.
I forget most of them and tell you later.
I ignore everyone else.
It is just important that your here.
Because the rest of this day is boring.
And seeing you was the highlight.
Thank you for being there.
05/22 Direct Link
Foolish Girl. Said the Caterpiller to Alice.
Did you really think you were entitled to love?
That it would be that simple.
I thought I had told you!
Foolish girl.
No one. Well no one you have found so far.
But look at me. I am happy the way I am and you need not listen to me.
But you. You are barely able to look in the mirror without someone beside you.
Foolish girl. How do you expect to get home in a state like that.
You are not free from yourself never mind this run down hell hole.
05/23 Direct Link
It was as if you had been there. In my room. I'm not sure how but it felt familiar.
Your smell reeking from my room and making me choke.
Maybe it was the fact that my window was open that the smell had got in.
The sweet smell of forgetten moments.
The intensity.
I returned to see if it was still there, it was. It doesn't normally stay.
Normally I have just imagined it. So I sat and felt it. warmth around me, holding me.
I know I should probably get up.
But I was content sitting here. 
05/24 Direct Link
Long effort for this single exam. It feels wierd to put all the knowledge into two short questions. I really want this as well.
I really need this. It all boils down to if this biro ink infront of me is good enough for what I want.
I never know how I do. Well not until I get my results.
Which I would quite happily never recieve.
I am strong believer of ignorance is bliss. Because it is true.
If you never know what your missing out on.
Which in many occasions is rather lovely.
You get the sinking feeling.
05/25 Direct Link
Strangly enough I enjoyed today. Funny to think that Chemistry would ever give me joy. But I did.
I don't think I could of dropped many marks. And now the end is getting close.
I hope I get what I wanted from this exam. I tried my darn up most. Walking out everyone seems concerned. Thinking back it went well. I knew all I needed to know. When a few months ago I didn't have much hope.
I will miss science. It has always been there and it will be wierd to think it's gone. Replaced with essay writing soon.
05/26 Direct Link
A pathetic fallacy. The rain poured down and I felt the same. The sky crying around me. Even those that I thought I could rely on don't really understand, at least they try.
I wanted a show to wash away the tears and streaks, but the water was cold too. So I just sat there waiting to numb.
I had to slowly pull myself away because at least even the cold feels warm when you have been in there for a while.
I have always liked the rain. somehow comforting.
Because when it's raining no one can see your crying.
05/27 Direct Link
Oh Shite. Well this hasn't gone as planned. You know now. I declared in a strange fashion my love and now the cat's out the bag. And you would quite happily shoot that cat and stick it's bloodied body back into that tight bag. Too far?
Well I broke my heart again. Lived in a world where you would do as I wanted.
You won't listen and now you know and I am broken and you sit there like the prick you are and I cry.
But you know now.
That is the important thing. I don't pretend now.
05/28 Direct Link
A boring day at work. No one there. Nothing but cold cash. Nothing much more. Just let the moments fall behind me now. Stop.

Pause

Who am I now without your love?
Who am I alone in a day that has gone?

Without your love to return upon,
I'm a featherless bird in a sky so absurd

Why oh why's there so much movement
When all I long for is to lay down in love's pause

And dream I know something of truth
Oh hide me deeper in your peace further
and lose me in this greed I've found in your need.
05/29 Direct Link
I moved roung my furniture today. My room feels completely different now.
I felt it a good time to move stuff around.
My room is more comfy.
I feel happier. I thought there would be a weight off my chest but it doesn't feel different.
I just feel happier.
I don't sit there bleary and broken for long periods of time. I can get out and feel like I'm not pretending anymore.
A year ago things were different. Better or worst I don't know. I hope they were worse.
But my room is nicer now.
I think I like it.
05/30 Direct Link
Happy Birthday to me.
Strange to think I am 16 years old now. How much of me has been around for 16 years.
I haven't always been like this as a person. I would like to think I am nicer now. More fun to be around.
My hair has grown over years so that hasn't been there for 16 years.
Skin falls away so that hasn't survived that long either.
I suppose my flesh has. But chunks have been removed and muscles torn and scarred and renewed.
I suppose my organs have been there 16 years now.
Happy Birthday Heart.
05/31 Direct Link
I enjoyed today. I saw friends I hadn't for a while. Sat around ate alot and did silly things.
Fell around on the trampoline and danced in the rain.
Looked like a fool with big hair and smiled like a cheshire cat. Not once did I fell sad because everyone was around me. Well most people.
It is wierd to think moments like this are as long as moments of bitter sadness.
It doesn't seem fair really.
Because you can't have moments like this for a long time.
Eventually. They all turn to bitter times.
Eventually they become tainted again.