I really really hate making choices.
It takes up the most of my time.
Colours and pattern I like equally so why should I have to chose.
I really hate it.
People getting increasingly angry at me.
I shrink and I really don't know what to do.
I think about the future and what is better.
Today I couldn't decide to buy something or not.
I did
But I had to go back.
I feel such a fool. My face getting redder and redder as people try and hassle me.
Why not attempt to help me muddle though this situation!

It was a lovely day. The sun was shining and I could close my eyes and relax. I feel amazing. I want to skip and laugh and sing. Everyone around smiling. Life is so much simpler.
It was once. When things didn't have to mean things.
When tiny little thought cross my mind with no affect.
I wonder what it would like to live inside my imagination.
I have always liked to make up stories. They are a lovely places. I lie.
They are twisted and stretched.
It's wierd.
None of my stories tend to follow normal patterns of behaviour.

Today I set the world on fire.
I burned everything that means something. the one thing that made this world less lonely.
I burned those items that I once held so close and felt I needed to hold.
I burned with anger
My face burned with tears.
I lit a fire and watched as it grew.
I don't understand.
I won't even try to.
I screwed up again. Only now can I realise what I have done.
But at least that is something.
I can get out.
I want to forget so badly.
I want to burn myself till clean.

What the fuck are you doing.
I am so angry. Yes at you.
Don't you dare stir things up. He hadn't noticed till you flew off the hook. Ruined my plan.
You make me feel terrible to be around.
Well recently you have. You always manage to get things back to how bad things make you feel. When really it has little to do with you.
So many people tell me to leave you well alone.
But that would be hurtful.
I always judge myself for being cruel and a bitch.
But maybe I am nicer than I give credit.

How is it I can always identify a nice guy. Yet never somehow manage to get one. People that are more good than made.
Why do I always try and search for that little shed of light amongst all that crap.
I want to be happy about things and yet I need to think straight.
Things are better when your there. I can't really bear to be without you.
Even if I forget how much better things are with you.
Though I did get to see you.
Which was good.
I also got a really cool blister.
Gripping gripping stuff.

I won some money. That was the general idea of today. To have a lucky urge and spend money and hopefully get more in return. A pretty basic idea when thought out. But being lucky is an important factor.
Also the fact you ahve money to start with. Though some people wasted there whole life savings on one lucky feeling.
Pretty wierd to see grown men crying. Quite amusing also.
A strange hats.
I have one hat that suits me, or so it apprently does,
That was a lucky find come to think of it.
I won three pounds. Success.

The pain in my feet I can barely describe. But I will attempt of course.
I can't bear to look at anything to do with feet it makes me sad.
I can't bear to see people dancing around happy with their pairs of feet, there is nothing wrong with theirs.
I do not like looking at my own feet because they are damaged and sore and odd in places.
The toes are longer than they should, reaching out hoping to find nice ground.
Red patchs where skin once was and they aren't nice to view.
I meant my heart.

So I didn't watch the news for a few days. It isn't like anything big seems to happen when I watch it.
London is on fire.
How the hell did this happen.
How can these people run around like animals. That what it is.
People realising that they don't have to follow authority.
I always knew Karl Marx had something.
But I didn't ever think that I would be on the side of authority.
But this society. Needs something.
Plastic and rubber bullets.
I would rather live in fear of authority with respect.
Than in a place where bastards destroy.

So this is where your life began. In this dump. Funny how I was some where else. When I visted I didn't know you were here.
You are somewhere else now.
I kept my eye out. Because you should be next to me. Not that I want you next to me. I want the one I have created inside my head to hold me.
You weren't there. But it was important.
You should of been here.
But you're not.
All or nothing.
It has to be nothing.
Nothing at all. So maybe I should delete this entry.
But I can't

I don't really know what to explain about today. I went shopping. I bought things.
Nice things. Probably didn't need them, but they will be used. I need them for school in an attempt to blend.
I would rather people find out who I am by talking to me than looking at me.
I saw many sluts today. It is wierd, how they can all be wearing completely different clothers yet somehow still all manage to look the same.
Maybe I should stop seeing things, Just accept. But then.
Well I don't think I can hold onto my remaining sanity.

Funny to think that if somehow we were closer in age we would probably be very close friends.
It is wierd how we may never of met if I hadn't stumbled in with a half hearted idea and somehow manage to get it.
You are funny and seem to get my tone.
You also seem to be concerned about what people think of you.
Which I find a very touching trait in my fellow man.
So It is a shame I feel, That your not my older brother, my friend or someone I can rely on.
But we did meet.

I must say I do quite like packing. I think I'm quite a mimalistic person so I really don't mind going to basics and bringing a few luxaries. I do this holiday won't be like others where I have smile to stop everyone having a go. It will be nice to get away.
I don't have to worry about orginisng. I have the simple excuse that I am away and I will be forgiven for not showing at sociable events.
I plan to swim everyday at this site or whatever it is. I seem to have some unexplainable water lust.

By some fluke I have managed to get an internet connection which allows me to submit am entry. I haven't yet reached wherever I am meant to be going. But I saw signs for Bristol and started thinking. A very dangerous thing.
Car journeys are tedious things. You almost forget where you are meant to end up and that the only life you have ever known is in a car.
It' only a week mercyifully. Those long weary swelters wth funny food are gone.
If you are reading this, you probably will. I am going to miss you. Back soon.

Well. I am trying to stay optomistic. But It isn't going too well. Yet again I have raised my hopes a little and I end up in some sort of comedical carry on camping home. The toilet doesn't flush and Devon is fine but I don't think I can say what I really mean. Anything to keep you happy. I am fine. Nothing to complain about. I just can't say what would improve. I know what I want but nothing I say will get me there. So I am going to sit tght and let those who have everything now be happy. ah well.

I think I have root of the problem. The reason I feel dead inside, the reason I can star blankly at landscapes is because I know none of this will make me happy, only one thing will. That is to be in love and feel it returned. I know it sounds stupid. But that hole in my life won't fill. The happiest moments are when I heard your heartbeat as I rested on your chest and you kissed my fore head. If I had walked this coast line with other people at a different then maybe I could mean this smile.

I found it wierd visiting a place I had heavily studied. Each stone seen as I had already view videos and newspaper clippings. So I climbed higher and higher till I felt sick to look down.
It was only later on in the day that it dawned at me when I studied this place I wasn't really the same person. My sister told me her life plans this evening.
I think I have the choas gene in me. I don't think I will be allowed to lead a normal life. She said I wasn't meant to be normal. Strangly different

I struggle with frustration in all honesty. The fact that no matter what I say it wouldn't be what you would like. I view a family that wouldn't notice if I slipped away. Yet always insist of holding me in place. It frustrates me how I could of been your everything yet like many things I know what will happen. End up with someone for the sake. You could of been my love story. The could of and would ofs slowly stacking up. But that would involve change. The one in my messdup world is a lie I created to give comfort. You don't deserve me. We could of been special. you choose yorself.

I have always wondered what it would be like to wait for a phonecall. The person on the other end knowing all the information. It may not even be that important to them. But yet they ahve to tell you.
They never seem to call when they say as well.
Which isn't great for the nerves.
I was concerned to say the least. It wasn't even that important.
If it been about a house or a realtionship. But no.
Dutifully I waited. Hoping and wishing it would come quickly yet not come.
I got an A at sociology. A relief.

It was the last day today. I would be home soon. Somehow the day mecifully went seemingly quickly.
Yet the same dragging to places and being forced to smile.
The truth is I can't understand how you can't see I'm not enjoying this. How I don't know what i want to do. I like Devon yes.
But I can't really explain.
This isn't what I want to like. So being forced into it makes me drag my heels.
Maybe I am being ungrateful.
But after being forced to accept things.
I don't think I can plaster this smile much longer.

'You aren't going to see him tomorrow are you?'
'No I'm seeing friends'
'Who are these friends?'
'whoever can make it'
'you're lying to me, I am only saying this because I care'
'I'm not!'
'Don't be defensive, I'm doing this because I care, tell me about him, it was amazing when you opened up to me'
'I don't want to talk about it'
'well get out then, I only said it because I care, Goodnight'

I am glad to be home, In my room. I feel safe.
But you say you care. That I tell you nothing.
Why can I not go in the loft?

It feels so good to be home.
I say home.
Back into my normal routine.
A good day. Sleeping till I want. Falling out of bed. Reading. showering and getting ready.
Spending time with people I hold dearly.
Impulsive buying
Visting more houses. faces I hadn't seen for a while.
I suppose I rarely describe what I actually do in my day. Just one small detail explained to wierd lengths.
But today that is what I did.
What I always do.
What I am best at. Mucking around. making people smile.
I have a kinda purpose.

I have rarely looked up at the stars. Normally because they hide. Well not that they really move.
But as I sat being all responsible I look up. Darkness apart from the little pricks in the sky.
I have only once lain beneath the stars. With someone who is sweet but it meant very little. All I know is somehow I find comfort in knowing very little about what is out there.
I think the stars are romantic. Enduring I suppose.
I will always pretend to be cold. So the person I lay by will hold me tight. 

I have never been crabbing before. I have always wanted too though. I was just never allowed. I suppose it is considered a waste of time as you only really have them for a few minutes and then you let them go. Or eat them.
But that is abit wierd.
So there I sat in the pissing rain. Waiting for a little crab to yank on tight. Tight enough so that it can make the journey upwards. Into a little bucket where his friends will be waiting. Not sure why it is a he. Just go with it. I do.

Camping is very strange. You can pack a whole room into a far smaller. I always surprise myself by feeling all warm and cosy. Or not as the case was tonight. So many things can go wrong with a tent.
There is the obvious freezing cold conditions, Rabid wild animals, Burning canvas, random people running at your tent, running out of air, these are beginning to get silly.
But it really is strange.
Who thought of it.
A little bits of plastic that don't really work. But suddenly Kapoow.
Cheap housing.
Sand, crumbs and dead skin also included for you.

So this is the day, It hasn't really sunk in yet what I am about to discover. I suppose in the future I won't consider it a big deal. But for now it is what i have been working towards for the alst threee years.
The things I have lived through while this was going on.
How over this time I have changed beyond recognision.
I had the envelope.
So I had to open it.
I was surprised in all honesty.
In shock.
I had done well.
8A*'s and 3A's.
Jesus. Now that really isn't too shabby now. Blimey.

I suppose seeing as I was awake at 3 O'clock I can count that as 'today'. Today I worked. However in the early hours of the morning I was spalshing around in an amazing pool with friends.
Funny how you know you are doing crazy things, illogical,
Yet that makes it all the more fun.
Drunk brwals everywhere and we decided it would be good to go for a wonder done to the pool.
it was heated and there were lights.
My foot wrapped in cling film to stop infection.
Scantly dressed and all up for an early morning swim.

I managed to really fuck up today.
If this hasn't come across I am insanly tired.
I can bearly hear my thoughts at the back of my head.
Just a humm so all I can focas on is staying awake and working.
Not that that really worked out.
But I got in a pickle so to speak.
I muttered and got things wrong and you got offended.
In all honesty I was too tired to talk. Nevermind talk rationally.
Luckily we patched it up quickly and you say you forgave me.
But I was feeling sick when you asked me.

I had a great day today. I got up when I wanted. Had a lovely refreshing shower. I couldnt be bothered to sort my face out and just threw on the easiest clothers possible.
I then just watched all the television I had missed out on.
I slugged about abit and started to clean.
I made alot of progress.
Sorted out all the boxes and my clothers.
My room will never be neat.
It has loads of tot everywhere.
But it is in it's right place.
I like having clutter everywhere.
It displays my life before me. And it's green.

I had bloody good fun today. It was amazing.
A standard little fete. Very little to do yet somehow I managed to get covered in egg.
I also attempted to do a three legged race. We fell over.
I also ended up pegging it down with a dress over my shoulder, teapot in hand, perfume sample and a couple of plates.
Oh and I won a coconut.
I realise this isn't very interesting.
But that is what I did today.
As well as being forgiven.
I can't bring myself to reply.
You already know the truth, just ignoreing it again.

I really do enjoy having a walk into town. I can just listen to my ipod. Though I did have to wait a while for you to show up you did eventually.
I d hope you know how much you mean to me. I do think I can trust you.
I also very much enjoyed snooping round your room.
I suppose I should learn to keep my nosey habits at bay but the truth is I enjoy it way too much.
Looking through objects which have been there for years.
Little stories attached.
They help to describe their owner well.

I saw a rather jolly set of films today. One was more tradtional about loads friends being comeplete arses. Ironically the other video follows a similar pattern, however it actually involves an arse. That sounds like I'm a pervert. No it was a funny spoofy video which my friend finds hysterical, involving a bum a shower and a poo stained friend. Im really fillinf space.
The inbetweeners was very good.
I don't understand why a certain someone didn't like it.
Talking of which.
That was random and out of the blue.
I don't understand mobile phone calls. They surprise me.