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BY Gemini

09/01 Direct Link

So today I suppose at least I got the date right. Always nice to keep track of the date. What didn't help was that I struggled to join this batch. I know, you nearly missed out.
So I went for a bike ride. I hadn't done it for a while. I had completely forgotten how much fun I got from it.
It always reminds how I am actually balancing on a thin tyre.
So I vouch this year to try alot harder to cycle places.
Wind in hair, skirt over head. red in the face. very poetic for me.

09/02 Direct Link
There was a party tonight. I hate small talk. I just want to skip that part and become friends. But apprently you can't. Ahh well.
So I ended up talking to old friends.
So I stood in the darkness sharing what happened. You listened. Which is a far better reaction than I got before.
The thing is I know the truth.
That he will probably get another girlfriend soon.
But I'm better. I realised how much I had destroyed myself.
that one point of weakness where I could escape.
Someone pulled me from my fake paradise.
Brought me to reality.
09/03 Direct Link
I noticed something today. I have started to be called a lady. I was a little startled at first. I used to look behind me and check there wasn't someone abit older. But no. Apprently it's me.
I shouldn't be that surprised I know.
I just find it wierd. I suppose I have been thinking to much.
We are trapped in a reality that you can't really escape from. This is it. Now I exist There is no going back.
one day I will die, and forever is a long time. Either to be floating around. ahh well.
Fuck it.
09/04 Direct Link
I did zilch today. I woke up late and had a fricking photoshoot.
Not because I am a poser. But because I struggle to say no.
It was for some choir and they needed 'older girls' to make it more appealing.
I don't think my eyebrows have been any higher.
We were allowed to break various health and safety rues by hurling ourselves off slight steps to create pictures.
I always wonder why in a group of people where there are small children people automatically become patronising to the whole group.
What about the vast majority?
I just hate children.
09/05 Direct Link

You really are my closest companion. I suppose because you are around so much and I know your coming back when we are apart I don't miss you so much.
But if I was without you I wouldn't be nearly as happy.
I have many people I call friends and could be with. But I would still feel out of it. You have to try when your with them.
the fact I can just lay back on your lap and you play with my wierd hairline.
I don't think we will be apart.
I'm not going to let it happen.

09/06 Direct Link
I wonder if I cried people would care more. If I wrote what I was feeling down people would smile but not really get it. If I could transfer what I felt for a second, then maybe they could comprend. I have gone mad I think. Lost sight of what I actually know and what's in front of me.
If I broke down and cried. Something I do not dare do as I have forced myself not too for so long. Then people would rush forward.
Because then they would see it. Small little droplets.
Each one an intense knife.
09/07 Direct Link
I refuse to write about you today.
It was a new start. In theory. Though really it was just like any other first day back at school. The same squels when people are in your same lessons. The same colouring and careful folding. I kept myself busy. I want the best for myself. That part hasn't been ruined, yet.
It seems like nothing has changed. Though really they keep banging on about how different things are.
Not really. I will always try this hard. Look with the same intense glares at new people.
I will always try and stop you.
09/08 Direct Link
Fuck. Why did I hope this wouldn't happen. I would be spared by some twist of fate. But no. In you walk. The devil in your eyes. Eyes on me. Don't even try. it hurts to much. I think I might collaspe.
But what comes next hurts most.
You don't even relises. You who i trust must brush me aside. You call me pathetic.
Only for later you to only stay online for similiar reasons. Thats what got me.
I can actually feel my heart leaving it's cavity and trying to run.
See where it's fucking loyalty lie. Useless cunt.
09/09 Direct Link

This is it for the next 2 years then. Don't go too easy on the work load. Wouldn't want to settle in or anything.
I hope I fitted in. I want to be me but not noticed. Just stay blended so I can quickly retreat.
There you are. For a second you flash past.
1 month and 1 week since I last saw you. Your whispering in my ear. Singing, holding.
But that was the past. This is my life now. Without you.
It may not be what I want. But it exists. You can stay the hell away now.

09/10 Direct Link
What seems like tradgey is when people go out as a couple and argue. They have a meal and sit there glaring at eachother.
At least they have eachother.
At least they don't want to be together. They don't have anything holding them back. Maybe thats what love is. Not even needing a reason.
they weren't a young couple. She spoke harshly and curtly to him as he struggled upwards.
Mocking his mannerism.
He just looked at her.
They have grown bitter together. Maybe they once loved eachother. Maybe there is no point leaving. No joy. That is your future.
09/11 Direct Link
Bloody hell! It that the sound of someone understanding! Well I didn't think this day would come. I hoped it would. Finally found someone who a didn't give me the look of 'Thats nice dear'.
But no. Maybe because at some point felt the same way about someone.
But I hoped I helped you though. I feel for you. So much pressure on you.
Your future could be completely ruined. I hope I will be there for you. I suppose I fail when it comes to things like this.
A never returned phone call. I'm sorry if I do.
09/12 Direct Link
I suppose I do wonder why you drift away. You are so complicated it is hard to believe. You are self rightous. Not necassairly a bad trait. Just one difficult to get used to. Especially because I am stubbon.
But you have so many issues. The way you have to work so hard to feel loved. So uptight.
I wonder why I you don't let go. Why It makes you stress so.
At least I can relax. In a crowd that is.
A sort of fallback method.
I don't hide in a crowd. Too much else going on to notice.
09/13 Direct Link
I am not posh. Let me make this very clear. I despise it when people aren't right. If it's based on proof fine. Be a prick full of knowledge.
But no.
My parents have no qualifications at all.
I come from a chav pit
My parents worked hard to be able to consider where we do
I worked hard to get what I have
I don't take things for granted.
I despise people who waste.
We don't have shed loads of money like you imply
What I have I collected over time
I have a job
Don't  take this lightly. Find something else to mock.
09/14 Direct Link
I heard you fucked it up again today. Yer, I still listen out for you. I thought maybe that this time you would of learned your lesson. But no, You let yourself ruin it again. So I can observe you, I feel sorry for both of us. How did this end like this. I still hurt and you will one day know what you have done. Lost the best thing that could happen to you.
Maybe I was the only one who could. Only one who wouldn't stop.
But I don't think I ever will. Just get better now.
09/15 Direct Link
I can not say how relieved I am not to be involved. The green bitch doesn't have to come out of me in this occasion. If I was in any one involves shoes right now I would be a force to be reackned with. I don't know what I would do differently. But I would be out of my mind. Crazy.
The fact three. We will say three, Two most likely. But reall only one. Of these invovled I care about and understand.
But luckily for the world I am not involved. I am on the sideline watching this time.
09/16 Direct Link
So the this battlefield plays out. This fucking battlefield. Why does war appear in every aspect of life. Casulties pushed into cars. Slow walks home with unexpected guests. Hugs and holding. Laughing and booze.
I'm glad I don't feel the cold. I even ran about on the battlefield.
I hate drink. It makes people stupid. Believe things.
Suddenly think that they are in control of this spinning rock.
Ruining their bodies by their own hand.
Just so you know, don't ever call me babe or baby. I hate it. I always have. you may believe im cheap. Just not babe.
09/17 Direct Link
I feel terrible today. My throat is dry from screaming. Eyes are damaged. I tried the trick I was shown in France. A spoonful of honey. But even using many products I still looked awful. I don't seem to be sleep so long now either. My cough is getting worse and when I breath out it catchs. mY skin has gone wierd too.
Being ill is a strange thing. I refuse to give into it.
I just hate how it ruins things. I made pie and had a curry, yet while eating I was still in some pain.
09/18 Direct Link
Is it selfish for me to want just friendship. Another factor holding me back. Reminding me of my past. Blackmailing you. Ignoring t won't make me go away. But I can feel better for a while. You just remind me of the pain I have. The mistakes I made and you keep brnging up.
This isn't your fault. But you are making it worse. How can I forget and move on when you bring it up again and again. You don't say it. Ever. Not ever once more, because if you do.
You don't score points. you break me up.
09/19 Direct Link

Driving is easier than I thought. The idea of other cars travelling does scare me though.
So many factors that could lead to me dying. I think it must of been decided I will die in a car. the odds are pretty much up against me.
The one thing that bugs me about death is I won't get to see me being missed.
That all these people only decide to say they care once it's too late.
I suppose happy birthday is the only other way of approving of the fact your alive.
Maybe I should pretend to die. Nah.

09/20 Direct Link
So I suppose today I felt that familiar smile. I Saw what was happening in this little world of mine. I smiled. The fact I know you will never be happy. You will ruin things and never change. You would never care enough.
I smiled when I was told I was less attractive.
I live in my own little world which no one can ever really understand.
I suppose it was nice. Thins back around. It is definatly easier when you are not there.
I just want to let myself go again.
In a little world which I choose things.
09/21 Direct Link
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit.
I am only writing this to see your entry. shit..
09/22 Direct Link
I wish there was something I could do. But there really isn't. Nothing that is a solution that would work. None where everybody wins.
Truth is there is something missing. I know what it is and now I just want it to go.
cynical little life, who would of thought that the answer I need is the opposite of what I proclaim.
A hopeless romantic.
Hoping that one day you will show up out the blue.
Take me away.
each passing car might be yours.
Each person to walk throught that door is you.
But I think I'm breaking free.
09/23 Direct Link
I saw a little girl on her own. Short bright blond bob sitting on a sewsaw. The poor thing. It was the closest i will get to seeing what I was like as a child. Waiting for the attention to come to me as I kicked pebbles with my feet. I suppose it never really happened. Not attention just control which I don't think is ideal.
I have always wanted to go back and give myself a hug at various points. Be proof that it doesn't always get worse.
I would sit on the sawsaw with myself. Ah well.
09/24 Direct Link
You have some strange habits. I mean really. I wonder if I am like this at all. Whether people get emabressed when I enter the room. This is an open point and could apply to everyone.
But I do have to wonder what people think. Not that I want too know. Ignorance is bliss as I often say.  That is a terrible phrase. Bloody hell I sound old... as I often say.
I would like to point out that today I didn't do much.
and boy did it drag.
I think I managed to fill 100 words.
09/25 Direct Link
I have developed a real sense of anger over the last few days. I don't do angry like a normal person. I do angry like a posessed lunitic. It is the only way I can get it out my system. I don't do pathetically letting the matter drop.
I hold grudges. I hold grudges like they are going out of fashion. But hate. that is a strong word.
But well used on this occasion. I would say about 3 and half people deserve that word.
I just don't know how to sort this.
My only sensible solutions include fire bombs.
09/26 Direct Link
So today I spoke to you. Not intentionally. Not by any means. This were the only two words I have spoken to you since you told me you were there and I told you the truth.
These words were 'Oh fuck'.
I don't apologise for hurling and withdrawing. I would rather not explain that sentance.
All I know is you have the ability like Merlin to appear out of thin air!
Well this has got to stop.
Just go away and take your tragic life with you.
It did make me smile though. My poor old wretched luck. 
09/27 Direct Link
I really hate the heat. I know that is the opposite of what is mostly acceptable.
I Like crisp mornings. Not that this has any effect on you what so ever. But I was filled with hope of a cold day. Please let Autumn get a move on.
I'm ready for crisp refreashing mornings.
Hard ground and damp in the air.
I feel myself breathing. if i had things my way it would always be like this.
I had almost forgotten what it's like to feel the cold.
Because when you are cold within. You don't feel anything but pain.
09/28 Direct Link
I think I always knew  I was a slytherin. I am cunning, there is no denying that. I do have a dark sense of humor and abit of a sucker for being a bitch. I knew i wasn't a Ravenclaw, I am not self assured enough.
But I haver felt the trait more than the one of misunderstood more passionatly. So it could only really be Slytherin.
People having an identity crisis because they got sorted wrong. I suppose this is a good thing. I know who I am.
Now it's just a case of someone else understanding.
09/29 Direct Link
A UV rave. It is something strange. The stobe lights especially confuse me. The fact I didn' know many songs also created a slight problem. The dancing however, that was easy. A simple case of jumping up and down in the air.
Akwardly walking in on couples. Strange seeing couples and knowing this passion will fizzle and all will be left are small smiles. Not daring to say a word because they never did.
I wonder if anyone ever scorned on me like that. I wouldn't blame them.
I feel sorry for the past me. The foolish chubby uncaring girl.
09/30 Direct Link
It is too hot. These breaths of mine are getting shorter. I want my autumn. Sitting in a pokey clasroom waiting for something, I can't even remember. 
Then those eyes. How dare you. How can youeven hold my glance, why is it I that has to let my eyes slant away.
This is your fault, you did this.
My eyes want nothing more. My thoughts want to trade.
But I won't. I would do anything and you don't deserve my blurring eyes. Or my happiness. Or my dreams. Or my attention. Or me to care. Or my crumpled view.