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BY Gemini

10/01 Direct Link
Pride is an emotion I rarely feel. This mainly because it is a trait I find in other people amd find it repulsive. I know thereis nothing wrong with it. You just tend to find it in the wosr places.
I felt so happy at winning I almost forgot that people around me hadn't won and were looking enviously over.
But yes. Pride is a feeling that makes you feel amaxing. Like nothing can stop you.
It obviously can and thats why it's dangerous. My envy will occassionally flair up and you better stand back.
No one ever survives attacks.
10/02 Direct Link
Today I found out that I could count the people I love on one hand. On two I could count people I care about.
On the single hand are those of strange traits. They all seem to be disliked by society and bit of an outsider. They all say they care or cared about me and the relationship is never straight forward but always powerful. But they are also dangerous. Traits that are vile and repulsive yet even though I see them I have unwavering loyalty. Strangly none of these people like eachother. But I will remain loyal to all.
10/03 Direct Link
I have embraced christmas early this year. I actually have good ideas and this year I am going to make a  special effort. A new me.
I am bullying you am I? Considering your well intended advice I can make a up beat comment. It is well intended too. Not that I disragard your opinion but this time you are wrong. Why so suddenly defensive. Do you beileve I am trying to undermine you. These are just comments that to anyone else would lead to a conversation.
Maybe I should stop waiting for you to reply like he did.
10/04 Direct Link
I feel ever so chistmassy. This year will be a good one. Last year it was awful. The fact that it wasn't what I wanted for christmas at all. No soft kisses in the snow or snow ball fights in the ice. No last year was the follow on to one of the best.
But I will get excited this year. I have all the presents sorted.
I started wearing my chirstmas present from 2 years ago again. If I wear it maybe it will lose it's meaning. Maybe eventually all the hearts will fall off and it will break.
10/05 Direct Link
Well heres the thing. Other peoples lives are so much more interesting. So many other things and people that are fasinating. I don't know why I like to sit back. Probably falling back from what matters to me. People care if I turn up. But I don't want to be the centre of attention. I will pass comment.
So many possibilties. Truth is I'm scared of it. Giving myself again. Letting it all out, not stopping.
I need someone. But I'm terrified.
All I see is the past. Then I remember what happened.
Waiting to see you running after me.
10/06 Direct Link
It was amazing. I felt great. My heart skipped slightly but then an overiding emotion hit. Happiness. I got away from that shit. I wouldn't spend the rest of my life wasting my love. I stopped crying because there were no tears left. Trying to make you jealous I see I don't even need to bother. You will fuck up again. So I will be me. I am better without you. I can't wait to leave you. Get away from this horror.
 I smile as I wish you away. I know what I need. You need to fuck off.
10/07 Direct Link
A split night is what I would say. The best part was walking between places.
the first was a bouncing party with screaming and shouting and touching. I sat there and made people laugh. I can't say I mean too.
I broke the wing off my necklace. I managed to hold back the salt though.
The walk
The next a drunker more inviting place. I slept in a cosy corner occassionaly waking up. I woke up in the morning surronded by people I wouldn't normally talk to.
Strange to think I spent the night with them. I still feel tired.
10/08 Direct Link
I suppose the most defining image of today was running. Running because at least I could pretend I was making things better. I wonder what people thought as I ran off into the night. You followed me. At least we got to speak. I speak easier in the night. You can't see my eyes. They give too much away.
I cried when I got in that car. Cried doesn't cover it.
A bottle that exploded after years and years. I broke down. Crying suited me. It made me feel normal. Like I didn't pretend.
But other than that. Twas good.
10/09 Direct Link
I feel I am under lots of pressure. I have spread myself too thin. My mind can't cope with having to focas on certain things all at the same time. Lists are the way forward. As strange as this sounds I am missing my necklace. I bought the chain sepratly but I have had it for years. In recent times I grew attached to it. But now it's gone and I fele things are falling apart abit. My little broken angel is somewhere int hsi world but I can't find her. Maybe I will buy another.
A new one now.
10/10 Direct Link
In continuation. i still havent found my necklace. I have searched and googled but I can't find the orginal or any that look like it. There are other ones, but its not the same. I shared things with that other one. So now someone knows things they probably shouldn't. Heck it was comment and know you heard it. Well what can i say. if this ends somewhere. I think ti will be good. Not that I have a small metal angel to talk to anymore for guidance.
I miss it. Hopefully it will get better.
This is very very sad.
10/11 Direct Link
I can say confidently I do feel alot better. things are sort of going my way so to speak. I will enjoy this. But really I do feel my 'Fuck it' approach to life. Not that I'm lazy. I do everything I think should be done and work as hard as I can. But there is a limit and I am happier like this. No one can ever be the best. I may not of got the best grades but I am me. Which is all I can be.
This world is strange. What the hell do I really want.
10/12 Direct Link

Today was a good day. I suppose i checked things off my list. Went shopping and got clothers.
Got all important work done.
Had a good chat.
Spent time with the people I care about the most.
Sorted out my stressed commitments
got some new music
went swimming
Spent some time chilling
Told someone my life story
Finshed a document
Considered a plot for a new story.
But most importantly. I got revenge. I emabressed you and I felt great. You muttered under your breath how you hate me. Well I hate you. You can leave now.
You Bastard that destroyed me. Off you pop now.

10/13 Direct Link
It's finally getting cold. I can feel it as my breath catchs and I feel it.
I breath deeper and deeper letting it refresh me.
The best bit are the dying trees. Slowly withering in the cold. Being pretty even as they die. Yet I can walk straight through their crumpled bodies.
I like to score points for beating the leaves. I really need a hobby.
Autumn is far better. The winter holds too many memories and spring and summer are too happy.
Calm and relaxing while eveyrone else shivers.
I just stand there looking like a complete ice queen.
10/14 Direct Link

I decided to write this now otherwise I won't be able to write in the present. I have rushed around and got myself organised. Straight onto work tomorrow and  then it gets stressful.
I am looking forward tonight though I haven't really had much time to think.
Why are you being like this? Why are you being like this to me? I don't think I have said anything particularlly snide. Yet you seem to have your guard up. Why can't you trust me?
This is one thing I don't need now. People I thought I could count on.
K?

10/15 Direct Link

It is fair to say I am tired. 3 hours sleep and yet I still sit here without even the possible chance of going to bed. it is too early. In the hours of this morning I was awake. I was talking and laughing.
But now I feel I should be crashed out on the floor.
So many things still to do.
I wonder if your still angry at me.
sometimes I just grow dispearing because I care. But I don't think you have ever considered that.
The moment I shut my eyes my alarm goes off. Bloody Fantastic.

10/16 Direct Link
I start these 100 words with no real idea of where I am going to start. They ust sort of flow. Especially when I don't write it on the day. Sometimes I think about what actually happened that was meaningful and try and make an impact.
I sue the word 'I' far too much, but I rarely use it at anyother time.
Sometimes I am left with words to spare and no way of filling them.
Other times I am left with too many words and grammtically change the ones to get them to fit.
I treat this as therapy.
10/17 Direct Link
I seem to be running round like a complete spaz at the moment. It's not even schoolwork that is stress. So many little things to keep on the mind.So I ordered a chalkboard.
A perfectly logical step I would say.
I plan to place it in my room and splurge my thoughts onto it.
I really do quite like lists. Tasks that can be crossed off.
It sounds very simplistic.
But all i ahve is a piece of paper which things I can't forget.
It is the only way I can face the day in the morning. Loving Lists.
10/18 Direct Link
I finally got my hat today. I had seen it for a while and apprently it suited me. My dress was gone however.
I seem to be spending lots of money at the moment.
I suppose I can as there is very little else to buy but pointless things.
My chalk arrived.
I doubt I will ever wear the hat. But it will make me smile.
Place it on a large teddy bear or something.
I still need to sort things out. After this weekend hopefully I have less to worry about.
My to do list is still rather long.
10/19 Direct Link
When did things get so complicated. I suppoe Ia ctually already have an answer for that. Since Sixth form started.
You have to choose. Social life, Grades, strong Parent realtionships. You can't have all three and you struggle with two.
Grades have always been my main aim. I found those I love the most at school so they have remained part of that.
These new externals creating love triangles.
None have really affected me so far. In some ways it is a bad thing. But being busy is a good thing. I sort of fall to pieces with free time.
10/20 Direct Link
So you aren't going to be out teacher anymore? That is a crying shame.
I will miss the way you patronise me.
the way you snap at me.
How you favour those who you see as funny.
The way you try and win our affection instead of earning it.
How you find the one I hate the best thing since sliced bread.
Well toodle pip. Watch these hate lines slowly disappear from my face.
But now I will leave you. I walk away leaving many things I should of remembered.
I am too busy running away from that living hell.
10/21 Direct Link
So we trudge along. The fellowship of the rings. Strange how tiredness can catch up quickly. These restless nights full of wakings leave me strained. I wake up pinned to my bed with only vivd dreams left to which I can only return. I try to move but my back won't change. It is stopped. My legs are cold and sleep is difficult.
I don't realise I am asleep, in my mind I am in that point before you drop off.
Waiting to slip yet I am left quite still, frozen and thinking those horrible horrible thoughts inside me.
10/22 Direct Link
The second day of walking.
I am more frantic this time, pushing to the front and trying to pull people along. The sheer tiredness is so draining in itself, yet I can move it toone side. It ahs to end at some point.
the strange thing is that the steeper the hill the better you can cope.
Scramble up like a rock climber.
Yet if the climb is gradual it is far more tiring.
I am left breathless and feeling terrible, yet if it more dangerous and thrilling I am left full of life.
I saw my favourite man today.
10/23 Direct Link
I hate bracken. These things cling to my tired legs leaving me furious. I hate it, making me look foolish. I am so close to getting on that minibus and getting home, My face is flaking and burning.
I am tired and I want to get home. These bloody weeds keep pulling me down.
I have to keep on when really I am dragging along.
But finally I make it. I don't sleep on the way back.
I mutter and chatter.
I wonder what people must think. Having my own impression of myself.
Adjectives to describe me never quite fit.
10/24 Direct Link
Can't focas on anything. There is so much to do and organise yet it has all gone over me. I can't bear to sit still.
My room, my own space, yet at the moment it is trapping me.
I hate the thought of having to leave it. That one day a stranger may live in my space and change it. It is my wallpaper, my decoration.
That is one thing that frustrates me, you ever got to see this. In many way you created this, forced me forward in my life.
Without you I wouldn't be me.
10/25 Direct Link
At least I have the confidence in what I wear, I get complimented and I think it suits me. Well I hope so. I am comfortable in that at least. I know what to look for.Unlucky for me my trend has come 'in' meaning I have to stock pile while I can. who knows when the next time my fashion will be seen.
Maybe my grandchildren while pick up one of my dresses and declare it vintage.
But now I'm running around in the dark.
I have always hated the dark.
Yet here I sit.
10/26 Direct Link
This was my one social event this week. Naturally I didn't drink. I have never really had reason too. I have just as much I think and the thought of forgetting what I did or making mistakes is enough to put me off, never mind the whole failing liver thing.
People ended up in such states.

But yet again there I was, searching, hoping that there would be someone. Being a hopeless romantic is a right pain.
I suppose I could of ended up in the arms of some drunk stranger, let it happen.
But that would be meaningless
10/27 Direct Link
I can't really explain why but I was fighting back tears today. I visted a place where I only spent a short span of time. yet from it came many stories and faces to which I can no longer place a name. I tried not to look and stare but I couldn't help it. people still in the same small time jobs.
Here I had walked around when I was happy. I told them to have a good life.
That was 2 years ago. They wouldn't recognise me now.
All that time had passed.
I don't resemble what I knew.
10/28 Direct Link
I had structure to today. Sure I lazied around but I got it all done. Yet again I declare my love for lists.
What I didn't account for was my own mother finally saying I was right. I knew I had been. I had seen this comingfor a long time.
Yet of course I held back from the clichéd
'I told you so'
But I did. She has been building to this for a long time.
Always maniuplating. Maybe being cynical all the time prepares you for things like this.
That is why the structured soul is the best way.
10/29 Direct Link
It is strange when you suddenly see someone has changed. It is normally because you spend time apart. My best friend from childhodd has dyed her hair and is now far more mature without time for fun and games.
The boy I had a childhood crush on has changed, more cynical than me and doesn't really understand anything any more.
People changed and I lost two close friends. But how can you mourn that when they are still standing before you.
I know I have changed. But for the better. The real me is still waiting for something. Locked away.
10/30 Direct Link
Do you really believe you are meaningless to me? Do you think I just forget about you. Well then you have fallen so far down a dark hole I doubt even I can try to give you any light. If you could be you would be out all the time. Truth is yes, maybe you should of told me before. My life is organised for me and whatever I have left is for school. Not because you don't mean anything to me. But now you won't reply. In all honesty I don't know what to do. We will destroy eachother.
10/31 Direct Link
Only just got back and already I feel tired. Handing in work only to recieve a mountain in return. Well there is no real reason why.
I can't ever sit still knowing there is work to do. I can't ever properly relax. School is something I just can't give up. Maybe I have been brainwashed.
You say your not annoyed at me, but you always are. I'm not as perfect as you may think so all I can do is dissappoint. That is all I really seem to do nowadays.
Literally is not a piece of time left for me.