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BY Gemini

05/01 Direct Link

'Children love their parents, when they grow older they judge them, sometimes they forgive them'
Oscar Wilde

I wonder why some quotes stick in my mind. This one especially.
It relevance I suppose.
I didn't ask any questions when I was little, all there was was authority and expectation.
It's only now I have been given a tatse of inderpendance do i realise things don't have to be like that.
Pushing too far one way.
So yes, I know why.
I do forgive you.
But sometimes you make it very hard for me to accept your unspoken apology to me. Bloody hell.

05/02 Direct Link
Dr Faustus tried to avoid his doom by begging the earth to fall down on him.
When he realised this was not possible he suggested he run headlong into the earth.
I suppose it's and old idea to go to the mountain oppsed to dragging it too you.
But I think compromise would have been nice.
Even for the mountain to shift a little bit so you don't have to run so far.
Is an inch that much to ask?
Maybe I am seeing to much into the mountain.
Why does something so mighty have to stay fixated all alone?
05/03 Direct Link
I'm sceptical of what I believe,
when I decide something, it never happens.
I compeltely accept fate though.
Chaos can not exist, it itself is constructed.
if anything it is controlled to reach climaxs.
Maybe it was written for me to try to second guess fate, hoping that what I dream and believe I know will embrace my life.
It's not that I dislike being wrong, or not knowing the future.
It's just difficult letting go of something you believe,
You end up hiding you deepest dreams.
so perhaps this time, they will avoid fate.
So truth can inspire.
05/04 Direct Link
It's you. The human being I love the most.

The truth is I have little to say to you. The time when we followed the same path way 3 years ago now.
I can't even remember what I was like, how you could have liked me then.
I don't remember why I admired you so much.
But whenever I see you, I remember you passion for Geography.

The truth is you inspired me, the clay of my dreams you helped mould.

So though I can only offer you a small smile, I do many things in your name.
Inspirational man.
05/05 Direct Link
Everything seems so futile.
It is now just a case of moving one strained leg in front of the other.
There is no motivation apart from a song in my ears.
Now I must move, quicker and with less energy.
I can't understand why me and my body are so distant.
It strains against it's instructions and can't help but stop.
I have never been so repulsed.
Just endless seeming hills and blasting cold wind.
I suppose it's an achievement.
But right now I just want to stop panting.
Bloody hills.
Bloody non functioning legs.
It just seems never ending.
05/06 Direct Link
You know what, you are him.
Completely.
Through and through. You are him. My God.
I should of seen it earlier.
The way now you take me for granted.
Expect me to be in your shadow when you remember to turn around.
The feeling isn't mutual, like last time. Maybe that's why I can't love you like those other girls do. Because you have already broken me.

So no, I will not follow to your every word.
I did that once before.

I am going back to the bedrock.
My home and the bedrock. I will return home.
05/07 Direct Link
I suppose I do make judgements about people. What I want to make clear is that they aren't necassiarly negative.

I make observations, yes that makes me nosey, but I don't see why noticing is a bad thing.

In a world where those that are supposed to be my nearest and dearest scream at me that I am selfish, surely if I am forever watching.

Other people interest me, their loves, their dreams and hopes.

I always care. When my own thoughts don't fill my mind, I want to pollute my mind with other parts of humanity around me.
05/08 Direct Link
I need a dress.
It must furfill a purpose.
I must be the one that got away.
The one that will stand out, the one that should have always stood out.
I will not be the person you blink over.
I will stand there, composed and look into your eyes. You will feel my hate.
The pretty frills of one may be nice but they aren't it.
I need something elegant, something different.
Above all I need something cold.
Something to rip about the room.
To show you that I am cold and purer now for hating your very clay.
05/09 Direct Link
I don't understand this need 'to get off with people'.
I am being hassled to try and find someone at a drunk brawl.
Thing is I really really don't want to.

The idea of trusting a stranger.
No I can not be hedonistic about thing like this.
For me it isn't like that. call me old fashioned but it has to mean something.

Unless you actually care I don't understand how and why you could fall into bed with someone you barely know.

I'm not going there to 'get lucky'
I am going to have a laugh. Is that normal now?
05/10 Direct Link
Shame you can't get achievement from acceptance.
I think that is a harder skill to master than any you can elarn in school.
I watch people and they always get so defensive.
Why presume your under attack! Why show the chinks in your armour so openly?

No acceptance is the best lesson to learn.
So when people are hurling abuse at you or you know deep down you can't achieve.
Bite that blasted bullet.
Don't snap.
Any movement and more holes will be ripped through.
The key is to keep quite still.
Let it wash over you very quickly.
05/11 Direct Link
I will always hold that grudge. You weren't there.
When my world that I built up crumpled, you couldn't even bring yourself to try. It was a flaw of mine and not to be encouraged.
At the time I accepted you, but it made me a kettle to boil.
Now there are options. I don't have to look at you and know you weren't there.
But you will be there in other ways.
The fact you told me I was silly, I do hope you know how it feels. You should at least get that much back. To feel it.
05/12 Direct Link
I have discovered a new perk of mine. The ability to accept things but not embrace them.
I can completely take for fact aspects of life and not embrace what that knowledge implies.
There are morbid things which send chills down my spine, but then there are those which mean I remain isolated.
The fact that friendship isn't sustainble yet I will trust everything to one person.
I am still undecided about this trick of mine being good or bad. In many ways it protects me, however this is by the default that I am ignorant to what is happening.
05/13 Direct Link
This really is a strange website. I wonder why I force myself to write these out. Sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes not.
I have never been one for a diary, but this doesn't feel like one.
the fact people may read this is beside the point. I never do.
Yet it allows me to express things, that in many cases I couldn't
I don't really mind being judged on these either, sure my spelling is near to nothing and my syntax is poor.
But I can just tap away.
It's like a mirror to yell my strange thoughts at.
05/14 Direct Link
I'm not really sure what attracts me to music. There are so many tiny reasons.
the lyrics that capture my emotions coupled with the tune that is easy to scream out.
I never had a favourite singer till recent.
Then I realised that sometimes a whole album was your whole life being sung at you.
It's like that film with the remote control when you can fast forward and rewind through bits.
I seem to struggle with watching myself or hearing myself played back.
The person animated before you is always a stranger.
They don't sound like you ever do.
05/15 Direct Link
I thought I would be ironic today and wear a dress of roses.
Obviously the irony would not be enough to save me, but I went with it anyway.
The first exam, the one I dreaded the most.
This one counted for alot. I had put alot of time into it, but in hindsight I doubt it would be enough.
Seemed whenever I turned my page of notes any knowledge I had would just soak out of me.
It still wasn't sinking in this was it.
So when it was over, I could finally smile as my clothing choice.
05/16 Direct Link
Unfortunate how the worst day of the entire exam timetable was the second day in.
English and Politics. Both of them I love deeply, however in the time required there is no way I could justify such a love.
I really do need more time.
Hours seem to slip and then snag.
When you are proving yourself the time erodes, but when you prepare it seems to drag on, long hours over books.
I wish you could just enjoy it.
Take in the words, without having to prove they went in.
Just another tick by another set of exams.
05/17 Direct Link
I actually enjoyed the exam today.
It was like a form of anger theorapy that I had only expirenced a few times before.
Sharing my opinion with little regard for the reader. On here it is different, these are more thoughts than opinions.
But the reader of my lastest essays my feel the burn.
No I do not watch 'Soaps'
The fact they are so called for the nostalgia of the 1950's of the TV commercials inbetween has no longer got a link. They are puke TV.
But somehow valuable.
when society thinks it has made a mirror. It's worth examining.
05/18 Direct Link
I suppose today went ok.
It's impossible to try and fully commit to something that isn't sustainble.
but I tried to learn the dates like the good student I am. Truth is I do like the subject, it has just decided to pick on me.
In a hateful way it cuts up my writing style and picks about my opinions.
It's hybrid manner means it is indecisive.
So that something I says will fall into one sections and be spat out by the other.
I am sure Cicero was an interesting character, but please.
Don't make me form an arguement.
05/19 Direct Link

A plague of sleep seems to have descended down.
It seems the most I can do to keep my eyes open.
But I can barely manage that.
Seems that days are the point to which tiredness can pin me.
The more I sleep the more I get used to being lazy.
So I am going to have to remain active.
I live for busy days.
Maybe stress isn't a negative thing, but the tweezer to pull out the pins.
I suppose I can close my eyes today though.
As long as I can plan for the future while I sleep.

05/20 Direct Link
Wearing minimal make up I sort of gaze into the mirror.
I don't do anything to please anyone when it comes to me. I do actions of kindess to try and show my loyalty.
But I don't think I would ever want to change this dorky girl in the mirror.
She has taken my life to create.
She isn't perfect, but by the standards of what society expect I am glad she is as far from perfect as she can run.
She is content and thats why she smiles back.
Because sometimes my and my body can agree to con-inside.
05/21 Direct Link
I sort of feel I am trying to force myself to like someone.
Becuase I am being pestered to do so.
Not that they aren't a nice person, but because I feel I should like someone.
Thing is I get scared.
Even being in the same room with the potential to like scares me to the core.
That familiar feeling of not being able to be me.
Strange things happen that I can't control.
They always seem to gone wrong as well.
Trying to make myself or feeling I should are different things.
Either way they have little effect.
05/22 Direct Link
There was a programme about hoarding items. Personally I live in an organsied mess but it seemed kind of logical.
This woman thought that if she let go of the stuff that was a physical reminder of her happy place she would lose her happy place altogether.

I burnt mine. The place returned to, love notes, gifts and cards I set ablaze.
Burnt everything you had every touched.
So in a burning bin I torched what I thought were memories.

However

They are still there, I forget I burnt them, and still look for the indented crosses on pieces of paper.
05/23 Direct Link
It's moments like this when I know I can't have truely tried.
I should have spent the day revising for the last one.
But no.
Instead I decided to tidy my room.
This is a chore I always seem to be doing.
Not that I blame myself, I live in a room. So of course things will move around on a daily basis. But today was a proper clean out.
Hours literally flow by.
I quite like doing it though.
Something ncie about reversing what you have done.
Returning the the orginal and all that.
Still should have revisied.
05/24 Direct Link
Wandering mind. That is all it seemed to do. I didn't like the room either.
this was it, the final one.
All you have to do is keep a focused mind. But no.
You wandered and considered your current situation. How this was it, and soon you could go outside.
The fact that in no time at all you would be outside and spend the sunshine the best way you could with no one else you could think of better.
So when they finally said those blessed words, I skipped out the room.
That was it. I am so screwed.
05/25 Direct Link
Well it is strange. How can I be done. I feel like I was a useless student, and didn't try hard enough.
it would be no surprise to me at all if I open up to see the worst possible.
But I have given up caring, I did what I did, there was always more.
I seemed to breeze through sociology when I didn't pay attention at all.
This year is different though.
This actually feels real, while last year I did breeze through, not with ease, but with a sense of not really existing in a world of consquence.
05/26 Direct Link
"When you're in my bed
All you give me is a heartbeat
I've turned into a statue
And it makes me feel depressed
Cause the only time you open up is when we get undressed

You don't love me, big fucking deal
I'll never tell, you how I feel

You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role
If I can't get the starring role.

Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
Cause really, I adore you, and I can't leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong
Come on, baby, let's just, get drunk, forget we don't get on."

05/27 Direct Link
I have been warned away from certain people. How it would be a mistake. Constant questioning about individuals. But no.
I have what we like to call free will. A gift I rarely get to excersise in such a household.
So you may try and steer my towards certain people who you feel are suitable. That does not mean I will listen.
Let's face it, I am always going to choose the wrong one.
The one that will hurt, even when I can see who I should choose.
So let me self destruct in my own sweet time. It's inevitable.
05/28 Direct Link
I have never liked pink. I understand why people do, it's girly and all that.
but even me as a lover of green does not insist on everything being green. I appreciate the wider variety.
But people get fixated with the colour.
I get that it screams 'I'm feminine!'
But it does nothing for me, it is very much a non colour.
it isn't quite the passion of red or the purity of the white.
Instead it smears itself across the world in an irritating fashion.
So weak and powdery.
It needs to do something, not look so very weak.
05/29 Direct Link

Everyone else was free today.
I do hope you snapped at me because you were stressed. Not that I'm making excuses for you, I have long given up doing that.
But it was a day well spent.
Especially when beating the competitive was done, and we could revert to childish games.
The murder game I always enjoy.
Not the active encouragement of lying, thought that is always fun.
But a piece of paper telling you what you are.
That must always be nice.
Even if on your piece of paper it tells you you're a whore.
At least it's clear.

05/30 Direct Link
Another year. I always expect it to be like the game the sims.
Where suddenly fireworks shot from your rear end and your whole family run round you while you change before their eyes.
But no.
This year I was home alone.
Luckily do to the magic pixies on the internet I could call.
But as the day went on I got increasingly depressed.
Even if fireworks did explode from my bum no one would be here to see.
I made do.
Birthdays, if they ever did, lost their magic.
It is going to take more than fireworks now.
05/31 Direct Link
The night was the important bit. The day I filled with greens and reds and painted to my heart content.
But the night.
All the pieces of the chess match were there.
The filled their squares quite neatly.
So the Queen ran of with the King and many pieces defeated eachother.
But the little Pawn's could not help but scuttle round.
I doubt that few saw the party as a game of chess.
But what else could it be.
The careful social constructions, the sacrifices.
All in all I have never been one for chess.
I'd much rather play scrabble.