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The unofficial beginning of winter. The first snowfall covers the city in a pure white flaky blanket. I am stuck at home with nothing to do but school work. If only there was some way to escape the horrid process of essays and tests. But there is not. They say you need it. They say without it, your life won't be as great. Well I say I need fun. That fun does not include learning pointless material I will never need in life. Or will I? I guess there is only one way to find out. Only time will tell.
Eight long years of patience is finally going to pay off. I have tickets. Tickets to a band that turned me into the person I am today. Linkin Park. They turned me on to rock music. If it wasn't for them, I honestly don't know what I would do. Anyway, January 26'th is the day and all I've been wanting to do is jump up and dance around like the happy little elf I never was. This is the band that created me, and my personality. I swear I'm not exaggerating. That's how much passion I have for their music.
The bitter taste of the cruel luck a single individual may have repulses me in the most sickening of ways. It's not fair how some people receive everything that they want and it's handed to them on a silver platter while others can work and work and work for one thing that they wanted and not yet receive it. Some don't receive anything at all, just a horrid life full of misery and pain that didn't pay off whatsoever. But who will prosper? The one with everything, or the one with a lifetime slam full of experiences? You tell me.
This year is intense. The studying, the exams, the homework and teachers are about to lead me to insanity. I miss my earlier years. There were no worries nor responsibilities. Each day was a walk in the breeze between trees as leaves flew by. But now, each day, is an obstacle course. One that's hanging ten feet above a pool of lava and the only way to survive is to make it across to the side of the moon indicating that day was over. I'd be considered lucky to have made it across. It was unlikely but, anything is possible.
I recently discovered one of the many important aspects to a successful life. Intelligence. It can get you anywhere, and I literally mean anywhere. Once you create an intellectual inner environment within your mind, I promise you will automatically feel higher and overwhelmed with confidence. Just don't take it to a point of narcisism, for that would be a dumbwitted decision. Intelligence not only brings you a positive reflection, but it is also attractive. Others become instantaneously more appealed to you. It's like what my anatomy and physiology teacher constantly tells us..."Brains are sexy." They will get you far.
Believe it or not, I've dealt with many horrifying disasters in my life. Ones that left me emotionally and permanently scarred. Ones that left me traumatized. I wish I could heal these thoughts but I know for a fact that they will forever be burned and carved into my memories. I am afraid they will haunt me in everything I do and every decision I make. They will end up hurting me, I just know it. I am terrified that in the end, these memories will control my being and I will not be able to do anything about it.
The sound amplifies and spreads throughout the air. It gives me a surge of energy. With it, I feel as if I'm home. At this moment, I know what I am meant to do. I am meant to be up there, on that platform, with that guitar, giving others that surge. I want that spot light straight on me as I conclude my solo. The blood rushes through me as my heart gives off sparks of insanity to the crowd. They cheer and form mosh pits to the amazing music. Crowd surfers are out there everywhere. I can only wish.
Field trip day at work. We took the cta downtown and our boss let us roam around for about two hours. Just as long as we would all meet back up at the art institute. It started off as a trio but eventually my two friends went their own way so I was flying solo. Decided to head to a corner Starbucks and get some hot tea with a muffin. Topped it off with some spanish homework and an hour later I ended up at the photography museum. Not bad. Came home, did homework and headed to my comfy bed.
Last day of work. Finally. And my boss didn't even show up. Wow. Then again, it's not like I care. I'm just happy it's over. Had to sit through an Improv show too. It was decent acting wise. Entertaining wise, it was pretty hilarious. I guess what they say is true. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Plus, watching a couple of attractive guys purposefully fall over and appear drunk is pretty entertaining if I do say so myself. So afterwards I went home and did the usual. Homework, shower and sleep. I guess it is just a neverending routine.
Brushing. Driving. Music. Walking. Listening. Helping. School. Writing. Reading. Eating. Dissapointment. Home. Facebook. Texting. Calling. Planning. Frowning. Smiling. Car. Waving. Hellos. Pickups. Park. Snowball fights. Freezing. Numbness. Hypothermia. Slipping. Sliding. Drop offs. Goodbyes. Farewells. Expectations. Invasions. Awakenings. Craziness. Technology. Tackling. Gossip. Laughter. Drinking. Snacking. Cooking. Tears. Animals. Partying. Singing. Dancing. Fist pumping. Caroling. Staring. Humiliation. Uniqueness. Loudness. Shopping mall. Theft. Buttons. Wallets. Chains. Piercings. Money. Couches. Leather. Unpacking. Facination. Excitement. Escalators. Assistance. Clothing. Climbing. Crawling. Unlocking. Encouraging. Talking. Changing. Phonecalls. Accidents. Sign ups. Modeling. Acting. Jokes. Numbers. Drop offs. Good nights. Sleeping. Every action that is included within a Friday.
They say that I don't care. They say that all I care about is myself. These people that surround me on a daily basis truly don't know me then. It's quite upsetting actually that all this time, this is what they truly thought about me. I didn't know that I appear this way through their eyes. It hurts. It hurts when they say I don't care. Because although it may seem as if I don't, the truth is that my heart burns with the fire of a thousand suns in worries about what may happen. But can I convince them?
Is there something wrong with me? I honestly don't understand why all my life I have been unwanted. My personality is well balanced and positive, my kindness to others is always at its highest, and although I believe I have infintesimal flaws here and there, who doesn't? No one walking this planet is pure perfection. There is no such thing. If there was, perfection would be nothing but a flaw itself. I guess I just have to get used to the possibility of loneliness.
First time driver. Beginning of winter. Wow, I sure as hell picked a great time to begin independence. Roads are slippery and icy. It is challenging to maneuver the vehicle but I managed. Decided to stop by 7-11 to get some iced coffee. Boy was it good. I got to school and luck had arrived. A perfect parking spot near the building. Considering it is fifteen degrees, I was damn happy. School went by fast. Freezing in there though. The ice coffee didn't help. But I learned my lesson for tomorrow. Another day awaits. What will become of it?
Dont you hate it when people judge a book by its cover? Assumptions about someone are probably one of the worst things you can ever do. It hurts that person. Thinking that they can't see for themselves the way you act around them is dumbwitted. Because they see. They see it all. At first they might ignore it and act naturally as if nothing is happening. But one day, I promise that person will snap and you will be sorry that you ever treated them in a way you shouldn't have. So give them a break and let it go.
The noise is brutal. It makes me suffer. Every voice, every slammed door and every yell brings me closer and closer to the edge. All my life I've been wondering if I will ever go beyond it, and if I do, what will happen? Where will I go? Will it drive me to total insanity? Will it lend me a helping hand for individuality or will it abolish me from the face of the planet? My body just can't take it anymore and my heart is about to shatter. Stop the madness or I will be forced into the unknown.
What is love? Is there even such a thing? I've heard all sorts of opinions. They say it's the single most amazing and joyous feeling an individual can experience. Others say it only causes pain, heartbreak and misery. But those are all just opinions which are things that absolutely anyone can have about anything. So has there ever been any factual evidence of this so called butterfly in the tummy feeling? I don't know. I guess you truly just have to learn from experience. And from that experience, you gain an opinion...which in turn are actually your own facts.
I will now quote Sir William Wallace (or if you prefer Mel Gibson), "freedom!" Last day of school before winter break and I am free for the next two weeks to play in the snow, sing some carols, go out with friends and enjoy my holiday. No more pointless homework assignments. No more exams. No more nagging teachers. No more security guards eyeing every move you make and making sure you have the uniform on. No more high school that makes you feel as if you are in a prison. None of that. So I say, school, go suck it!
My eyes are shut. They are resting. I am slipping away effortlessly into an unknown world. Yet, this world is mine, and only mine. No one can invade it. My mind can wander in the most unimaginable ways and no one can criticize a word about it. The possibilities are endless. These are my creations. I get to choose who enters, who leaves, what is there and where it is. Nothing can or will ever get in the way of that. I can do whatever I want, for this is a free world. My world. This world is my dream.
I try my best not to sound like the ordinary problematic teenage girl with boy issues. I wouldn't even call it an issue, but simply confusion. He comes into my head nineteen of the twenty-four hours of the day. I am at constant battle with my own mind to block him out with the best of my ability. I always lose. In some ways, he warms me up inside. In others, he cools me down, thus bringing the level to neutral. But at that neutral level, I feel as if I'm on a cloud. I question these uncontrollable emotions.
Deception is painful. Especially when it is done by your so called "friends." For years, they follow you and vice versa. They give you talks when you feel down. They hold your hand when approaching a scary path. They threaten the people that threaten you. But within one moment, all can change. They will be the ones putting you down. They will push you on that scary path. They will threaten you. You will never know who you're truly trusting. Good people? Or backstabbers? But no matter what, the decision will always be yours. My message: choose your friends wisely.
He just doesn't understand does he? He says all the sweetest things to me. Things that I would never think anyone would say to me and truly mean it. It's nice and all, but I just wish I had the guts to clearly tell him, I just don't feel the same way. Is it bad that I don't feel bad either? I sure hope not because I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. Okay, maybe I did, but not this way. Not from him. I just hope and prey that it does not screw up our good friendship.
Time is going by way too damn fast! It seriously needs to slow the hell down because I am no where near done with my youth. Screw college! Why on earth are you suddenly creeping up behind me at a pace I never knew was possible? I dont't think I am prepared for the world just yet. I was just an elementary school graduate looking forward to the many adventures of high school and now, I stop, look around, and those times are far behind me. They are barely visible and the saddest part is...I can hardly remember them.
Is he playing a game? One that destroys my mind piece by piece? Because at first, I accepted his actions with happiness and hope. But I've realized that these actions have been ongoing for about a year and now I am utterly confused. Nothing official has taken place or been proclaimed but there are so many signs. Signs that many other people don't even get the chance to experience. I honestly don't know what to do. Should I continue playing and have hope or give up? Where are all these hidden important answers at the times you truly need them?
It is Christmas Eve. The night you should spend with your family and friends. But in my house, all is failing. I'm used to having many relatives over and having tons of presents under the tree. This year however is not going as planned. With money being constantly an issue, there are only six presents beneath our fake evergreen plastic tree. My grandma is not here for she is sick in the hospital. My grandpa flew off to his home country and one of our relatives completely abandoned us. I think this is officially the second saddest Christmas Eve ever.
Merry Christmas. But is it truly a merry time? Think about it. The world is probably at its worst. Famine, lust, greed, war...it's tearing us all apart. Kids have to get used to the fact that there arn't going to be as many presents under the tree as usual. It will be difficult to adapt to. We're all going to be sad because life is simpy not as good as it used to be. Challenges are taken over the top and this is the time that everyone learns to fend for themselves yet, meanwhile protect and nurture their families
Don't you just hate it when people don't listen to your instructions? I'm not talking about being bossy, I'm talking about people that are supposed to take your orders. I told her. I told her two inches and no more than that. And what does she do? She takes off five! Five! You know how long it took me to grow it that long! I got to my car and screamed my head off. Then I cried my eyes out. Then I got yelled at by my aunt for over reacting. But who cares right? After all, it's only hair.
Ten hours. Ten hours of straight driving today. My right foot is going numb. Today included many pointless trips. First friend's house, mall, borders, petco, joahnnes, discovery, mall numer two, second friend's house, mini golf, movies, denny's, friend's house, mall number three, friend's house, second friend's house and finally home. On the plus side, I got a few things from this voyage. Pajamas, jeans, panties, bra, starbucks, shirts...hm. Let us recap. A day with my friends driving and going crazy with loud music while shopping. Yah, I definitely believe it was all worth it. When shall this voyage continue?
I quit. Referring to one of my older posts, I am choosing option number two. There is absolutely no point in trying anymore. I have wasted over a year of my life doing my best to get what I want and it took me this whole year to realize that I won't get anywhere with this situation. I have finally accepted the fact that it will not work out and I will never receive what I want because life is nothing but a pit of hell that brings you misery and decieves your vulnerable little heart. Fuck you. I quit.
A restless night brought me to a slightly bitter morning. The fact that I was not able to return home and take a nap created a little tension but I think knowing about my plans for the day made everything better. I went over to my friend's house to finally watch Transformers. For years, I've tried to watch it but something always went wrong. Afterwards, I went to see a local highschool band in some guy's basement. They were pretty good and I had fun...all except the fact I was shoved into a light switch by the mini moshpit.
Boredom is one of the worst feelings. You are capable of doing absolutely anything but you choose not to. All you do is sit on that couch all day watching tv and eating chips knowing the rest of the world is out there having a great time. The difference between you and those people is that they actually put in the effort to have a social life that day. You may complain about them and hate the fact that they have interesting lives but that is not true. Everyone should know, your lives can be what you want them to.
It's the last night of the year. I look into the past and attempt to recreate all the memories that have been. There are both good and bad. I've had many first experiences in 2010. From school, to friends, to boys. A lot happened that really influenced the individual that I am today and I am damn proud of that. I love who I am, who I've become. This person is me and I know for a fact that no matter how hard someone may try, my being can never be replicated. Farewell 2010. You have been decent to me.
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