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People like to look around, up high and on the ground, to see if I am there before they bitch, and snitch, and snare, Yet I don't care. The moan, drone, groan and me, But are they not able to see?, They must be out of luck, Because I don't really give a fuck.
After month I've finally realised that you are supposed to fill in 100 words. I guess I should have known this before, but oh well now I know. I can really think of anything worth saying about my day so I'll just keep typing and hope something of value becomes apparent. For example people whine about the weather all day, "complain when is too hot, or too cold" why bother speaking. They need to decide on which weather thy prefer and stick with it. Stop selling out to the other one whenever it snows or floods or anything. 100 words.
Things are moving so fast. People seem to want to know what they want to do and i don't have a clue. I'll never do what i want to anyway. I never win. All this charlie sheen crap about winning, no one is really winning. Everytime things are going alright something happens that fucks everything up, and I given up on sorting it out. Just turn my back on it and leave. Things seem to sort themselves out alright withouut human intervention anyway. Or maybe it's that you spend more time focusing on the negative.
I'm not likely this sense of pressure. Being forced to do things, or say things quickly leads to mistakes. It leads to chocking, but I forced the words out, not that it did anything, but thats unimportant. The fact of the matter means that I can speak regardless of how much of a dick I make out of myself, which is good. Much like when I had to present something in front or loads of people. My mind blanked so I ignored the notes and just started moaning and had them laughing along. A clever distraction, which worked well.
People tell me how funny I am. I rarely try to be funny, just my general negativity towards everything is appaerntly humourous. I notice those who laugh find the people on "live at the apollo" funny, now i'm not bashing that show, but i dont find it funny in the slightest. So for them to find me funny I would say mean alot. Yet if thats what new humour is then good I guess. Although sarcasm is wasted on a lot of people, much like irony, and word play. I've noticed the more frequently you swear the more they laugh.
Cheers for overstaying you welcome. You and your stupid lacky. Both have the personality of a stone, and can't take a hint. Well if being told to "fuck off" is a hint then god knows whats wrong with you. Probably one of the highlights of the day ruined because or your inabilty to be alone. As for the dickhead mate, he can stay out of my way for a start. Three hours of his shit already not another twenty minutes. Yet what can I do without lowering myself to the same level. Stupid people.
Eugh, why am I outside. I don't belong amongst these people. I'll just stand by the net and look busy, yeah good idea. Maybe if I score it will make me a hero until the next person does. The ball comes towards the goal...I put my foot out...rolls in...GOAL. Finally mangaed to score. "Bet you wish your scored with someone else" I hear, don't know who though they all sound the say. He says something again...got him, I reply...done, no logical come back for that.
A day off you say! Wow, how exciting. I'm so intersted. Oh wait no i'm not. Yay another day to waste on xbox then in the evening i can't be asked to do anything. It just searching youtube for pointless videos. This is what my life will become unless I fix it. Going out once in a while may well help. Think though what people do in a day, they are either rushing around, or doing nothing. I'd rather be the second one to be honest, but that my view anyway.
Actually had a normal day today i guess. Normal by the standards I would assume people who consider themselves to be normal would use. It seems strange to think i havent done anything in 5 years, yet i can see why. Would i want to be there with people ive been stuck with in the past 5 years, no. Was a good day anyway even though it was just doing normal things. Then I run into the swines, shout "bait" one more time. Not like i could really do anything, but i wouldnt need to, they mean nothing by it.
You see all these crappy "life stories" of "amazing" people, and there like I started off with nothing as an outsider and I just think hey that could be me, rich and famous that is. Yet i wouldn't want to be famous. Some dickhead presenter trying to catch out, i'd get banned from doing live interviews and the newspapers constatly harassing, no thanks. Then I'd be the one doing all the interviews about money can't buy happiness, but it could get me everything else. Give me the money by all means, then piss off as far as i'm concerned.
People talk, but they don't talk. Sure they dicuss their days and other bits of mindless nonscene, yet they dont actually say what they think. when asked a question its polite if the question itself is awnsered. Surely its worse not to awnser questionns, or to not truthfully awnser them. Unless it's some form of ponce that hires people souly to tell them how amazing they are. Not that i'm complaining, well I am more moaning becuase it is quite annoying. Yet don't really care I'm fine with it, but as for the morons.
Back to doing nothing all day. It seems so pointless like a days wasted, yet nothing was planned for the day so it can't be wasted. After finally getting out of bed, it was just a day wasted on xbox. I don't even like xbox. It's a waste of time. Yet that's the point it does waste time. The day slowly becomes less tedious as it goes on yet while being on it, it becomes apparent of how i could have spent my day. Not like i would have done anything anyway.
WOW, talk about taking things too far. Actually messaging the person, thats taking the piss. Regardless of the truth, it's irrlevant to them. Not like I could really give a flying fuck about what they have to say it just seems inappropriate. Especially when the worthless bitchy scum get hold of it. I doubt these tards who see it will bother talking to me about it. No being a people person is great when people decide to do bullshit like this. Oh well, sod em'.
Went out again today. Such a different experience. It was so informal, just showing up. The problem is when no one shows up and I'm stuck there looking like a dick. That wasn't today. It was pretty sunny so we wandered around and ended up at a park. I was way too big for the stuff, yet it was fun i guess. Not that i have actually described anything as being fun in ages. We were there for a couple of hours and the people there didn't see, to care so it was all good.
Applying for stuff already. WOW. I didn't know I was that far out of everything that was going on. I haven't really done anything for the past five years yet people are already moving up in the world. Like everything though it's not really my scene. I just hope to get enough money one day so i can abandon all this crap and just have one of those lifestyles that those stuck up bastards have. I wouldn't join in with any of their up-themselves crap that they do but just to be there.
Well it was a waste of time going out today. Meet up with people then the monsoon rain begins. Spending 20 minutes darting from cover to cover attempting to avoid the rain. Finally in cover and...BEEP BEEP. I check the message, then throw the phone into my pocket. Not a hope in hell they are getting hold of it, god knows what they would reply with. Well I know, they spent around ten minutes explaining whilst we waited for the rain to stop. I know they mean nothing by it, but it doesn't affect them.
Two weeks off, thats a joke. Why give me two weeks to think? I don't want it. Nothing good will comes of a two week abscene. I've hit that wall, everything becomes negative and falling into the metaphorical darkness. There is no light within the darkness, only varying shades of grey. It's escapeable, I've left before many times, yet why bother. Is that a dot of light in the corner, or just a set of stairs to fall further down. Who knows anymore? Not me.
Still trapped in the darkness, waiting in a room. Someone walks in, every single person looks at the one walking in. I don't. Staring at my iPod, it's positioned so I can see via the reflection. The music is playing quietly through the headphones of at all. It looks like I'm distracted, I know everything going on without even lifting me head. Called in, talking but not listening. They hear perfectly well what I'm saying, but they know best. Apparently. An oppertunity, I say it how I see it...silence...a victory...to me. Finally listened, I can leave.
Can't concentrate, how will I revise now. Whenever I get a chance to my mind wanders into irrelevance. Start remembering things I don't want. Some of it I'm site didn't happen it's just dreams from years ago that have repeated so many times it's as if it's reality. Or regret from things I've said to people. Yet they will have deserved it so why I should be regretful is absurd. I'm getting way too carried away with the revision, maybe just looking over a book this week, until I'm back into the routine, and can think again.
Waiting...always waiting. Never anything to do but always waiting around. Time goes so slow. Everyone around me moves so quick and purposefully, not me. They grow up, move on. I'm left in the darkness. Not this time, things are going to be different. I say that, but they won't be, boom back to square one. When all this is finally over it's back to the bottom of the pile again. I've been assured otherwise, they all won't they will be adored. I won't be. Sod em' I'm not going to take crap from new people. They can fuck themselves.
I got my hair cut today. Nothing too excting. I wandered into town, listen to so random combination of songs, and get in, sit down. I then have to explain how I wanted it cut which usally comes down to me flailing my hands around trying to show how it's spiked up, and saying "a shorter version". Yes, a less then useless awnser. I notice everyone else in there knows what they want, they all have conversations with each other talking about normal bloke things, football, moaning about the wife, the weather. I'm the outsider laughing when they do.
Hate these people who have to constantly put everyone down to prove how they are so much more intelligent then us mere mortals. I'm hardly a retard, more then caple of understanding this stuff, yet when these bastards decide to use language specific to what they are whineing about. Not that I'm just going to be there looking like the retard, rather be the voice of ignorance than the dickhead with issues needing to be told how great they are the entire time. Although now it's become more a case of me holding back rather then joining the conversation.
After a some what eventful trip getting clothes. Not even getting started on jeans. I basically decided I need to be more patient. After tripping over an escalator that wasn't on I found myself kicking it. Getting rather pissed off at the people walking exceptionally slowly in my way. And swore far too much. Something about clothes shopping really pisses me off. But when I stop and think I realise the bad light it shows me in. My hatred for these people but I wasnt acting much better myself. So see how long I can be patient for.
It's amazing how songs can apply to your life. John Lennon said his songs weren't aimed at anyone but they can still apply. Take "getting better" for example. Lennon's interjection of "can't get any worse" on the chorus is so true. Last week I was hating everything but things have got better. Lots of the songs have this effect. Like "I'm only sleeping", so true to my life. I do think lots of modern music has lost the effect to tell a story. Not saying it's all bad though. Also happy Easter I guess.
Right, time to man up and stop running away. So far I've systematically alienated myself from everyone around and fallen into the metaphorical darkness. Yet I've climbed out and ready to be more positive, if I actually am is a different matter. I'll do it, tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be a better person, the want I want to be. Actually face things opposed to avoiding them, aside from the obvious. Try to act tougher so the pricks don't mess with me. Maybe speak a few words, maybe not. Right, to see what tomorrow brings.
Well today was a fucking waste of time. Try to be more positive, ha, waste of time. Either people thought I was being exceptionally patronising and sarcastic or they just ignored me all together. Well fuck them. Can't say a damn thing because there's always people around getting in the way. Might as well stay with the crazies, at least with them I know where I stand and they mean well. They don't act different around each other and say it how it is. Rather than pretending to like these stuck up bastards I've spent the past year avoiding.
Well today was another waste of time. my amazing ability to cock everything up kicked in again. Sitting there, can't say what I want, surround by gossiping fools. They can mind their own fucking business I could care less what's happening in their pointless little lives. Not going to pretend to enjoy where I am, having to censor what I say. That's what you get for not acting. Then everything picked up at football. I got involved, chased the ball, tackled, scored. People where cheering me it was amazing. Then I got kicked in the balls, such irony.
Got my awnser. Not what I wanted obviously but at least it was honest and not some bullshit, I hope not anyway. It's like being choked, probably something I can take. Won't work though, nothing ever does. I could be a super hero, an amazing abilty to cock everything up. Oh well, I don't expect to win. It's great how they publicise this shit on various yank shows but it's bullshit. Fuck it, want to say I don't care but I do a bit. Understatement of the century. It never rains anymore, summer or not, it never rains.
Shall I tell you about my life They say I'm a man of the world I've flown across every tide And I've seen lots of pretty girls I guess I've got everything I need I would't ask for more And there's no one I'd rather be But I just wish that I'd never been born I could tell you about my life And keep you amused I'm sure About all the times I've cried And how I don't want to be sad anymore And how I wish I was in love
So ends another month, and what a crappy month it was. I was too naive, and should have known better. Have also become far too impatient and angry for no real reason. In future I shall just have to ignore these irriatating ignorant bastards. Got some stuff to sort out this month as well, I'll have to do it myself no doubt. Remember reader, you are born alone, and will die alone. People won't help you, you have to do sort stuff out for yourself. Or I always have to because of always getting shafted. Just a.
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