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The football seasons starting again soon!
Wow I must be a massive disappointment, the only person I know who takes no interest in it.
I used to go to matches, many, had a couple of season tickets. Didn't care about the football, just like I got to spend time, and seem normal.
Then slowly the shitty spiral began, suddenly it became a nightmare to attend. I prefered those days, the ones before. Now I'm a pitiful excuse for a human being, oh how times change.
Have had to find new ways to seem like less of a failure. Unsuccessfully ofcourse.
Went to a party. I say party, once the dodgy freaks left the whole party element ended, and the whole I will drink more then everyone there began.
Safe to say I drank more then maybe one or two. They were so overprotective of me, just fuck off and let me drink. Neighbours going mad because of the apparent noise at nine.
Everyone dragged off the the field, wow it was exciting to roll down, many many times.
Stumble back and stuck watching some questionable channels and somewhat random conversations. Makes a change from sitting alone all night though.
No, don't tell me. Well that's everything fucked. Irrelevant that I still love you.
Awkward silence, hoping wishing needing it to not be true. Fucking hell, I need to escape, fucking mind flipping out.
The only person I ever trusted, ever actually liked. Can't trust that, fucking horrible, degrading to that cunt. Would love to knock that cunt out.
Run, escape. Calm sitting, running jump hedges safe.
My minds fucked enough as it is without this shit. Just want to forget, bury my head and run. Fucking haunt me forever, just another thing to the list... So fucking depressing.
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
I feel I going down and so disconnected
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Well that was a waste of time, still remember every fucking thing yay. Just been staring at the phone all day need so response anything, I don't care what you've done, leave it forget, however fucking hard it is.
Trying to be heroic, a decent individual calling that cunt out, like I give a flying fuck. Nothing bad can happen to me. Eugh bloody hell.
Six hours drinking, nothing, no fucking effect, marvellous aside from noticing it's sound fuck all as a distraction.
Don't really care, pour it into everything, for the time being, such a mess.
Eugh, why did I start drinking, well I've stopped now. No point. Why on earth would i try to put in in a water bottle so i dont get caught outside, sod this. When I couldn't tally up the price of stuff in a shop it's time to stop. Pour it away, send it back to hell. God made a dick out of myself, well I'm not an alcoholic, I can stop whenever, and I have. Not going back to that. Reading through the texts for the 100th time, wow I sounded like a tool, well bye bye vodka.
People make such big deals out of houses, I hate them. It's just a place to dump crap you can't carry. Never liked mine, what's the point in getting excited. Fucking shitholes.
When I'm outside I'm distracted, then the second I return my head flips and nothing it's to communicate with me. All kicks it, it's ironic how coming home is like bring trapped, well not really.
I spend all day whining about how shit my life is, well maybe it's about time I did something about it.
I wish I could take back how I acted in the field and been helpful.
Meet up with a mate, walk town. Get to the end of a road, see one of the many people I piss off.
Three of them, two of us, cuntish smirk as we're shouted at, I sarcastically reply. We keep going, down a few more roads, Oooo getting followed. Considering there was another four or so of us just round the corner it's pretty big of them to turn off.
Like what's the point, if the cunt has an issue he can grow a pair of bollocks and attempt to have a go at me, not be a cowardly fuck.
I wonder if anybody actually reads this crap, my depressed ramblings of a pointless world. You may be asking yourself how can one person become so cold and distanced from what "people" consider the norm. Well it's not that difficult really, just stumble from one bad experience to another, being outcast and despised, harrassed and hated, as you go. Tripping over regrets and mindnumbing conversation, before slowly climbing back up again only to be kicked back down at regular intervals. And thn ofcourse there's listening to people, just ignore that and do what you consider best at the time. Winning?
I really hate my nose. It used to be normal but I think I tripped over, not really sure, don't remember those days. In some stupid society where looks are everything apparently, fucking ugly people who think their "good looking" simply because they whore themselves at the drop of a hat.
Maybe I'll get punched in the face and it would knock it back, meh doubt it, tried it before.
These days are so tedious, nothing to do, nothing ever accomplished aside from the entries on this. Another day to just sit around bored.
Just a friend...
It's about time people snapped out of their silly fantasy worlds of the world being "lovely". What an age we live in, criminals have all the power. "No heroics", what what the fucks meant to happen when a load of cunts are robbing your shop. Shoot one of the bastards in the head, the rest will flee. Bloods easier the clean then a dozen smashed windows. But no! Thank you human rights, the thieving pricks get away with it while the bloke trying to protect his livelihood would be dragged to prison.
The worlds in a mess, but nobody notices.
Oh how shallow you all are, laughing along with the tedious drivel I spout, then each of you acquire morals and boom suddenly it's across "the line".
Cause I really care if I cross this this ridiculously imposed "line". Telling me not to say it, or what?, I will call your bluff, it's not like facing a loaded gun. Pull the trigger, what happens to me is irrelevant. Ironic how sleep is a way to escape the days nightmares.
So give me a "line", I will stumble past it and irritate the pc crowd as I go.
Another crappy day.
Hmmmmm, how to compliment, well google as always is a waste of time.
Errrr well amazing, but maybe amazing is far too vague, will have to find a thesaurus. But wonderful, super, astonishing, astounding, 'awesome', incredible, unbeliveable, enchanting, stunning, sweet, attractive, beautiful, lovely, all sound exceptionally patronising. There's probably thousands more words, worthless thesaurus.
Could always give the gernic response of every tool and prick across the land as reply "fit", but I'm not them.
I still think things wold work out, the "friend zone" is a bleak place, and a stupidly named phrase in all fairness.
Why did you bother coming back? It's not my fault I didn't want to go "away" last week.
Stay with that coffin dodger, the ridiculous views of god and heaven will be put to the test in a few years.
All I want is to not be pestered, but no suddenly a wave of nagging descends upon us, pissing me off and making ME look like the villain. In whose mind walking away is villainous, if I stay you'll only end up crying after a time wasting argument.
Guess this entry makes me look like a soulless prick. Well good.
Town was interesting I guess. Yesterdays piss taking session seemed to have confused most people so it was a chance to reflect upon events.
We were early, despite the chaos of arriving. Was conned on drinks, this crappy new coke with cherry was disguised, leaving me with a couple of them.
After picking up lunch where I'm quite the regular, even get a "hello" now. It was a wander to the usual destination, crossing many dead pigeons to get there.
Then football, bastard kicked the ball at my bollocks, while it is quite ironic, was bloody annoying.
Finally got a reason to bother getting up in the morning I guess. Who'd of thought it just takes a hobby. Well I'm going to bother learning this one, and not smash it apart.
It looks amazing, like it could just be a bloody expensive paper weight. It looks great to, not as beautiful as you though, but what is?, guess I can compliment after all.
Well 30 words left to use, not really anything else worth saying, Erm, guess I'll just ramble on about nothing for the remaining words, not many left now, and done, one hundred words.
Yes I am pissed off, an afternoon spent filling in stupid forms that should have be done months ago. I told them this, said I should be given the number to follow up myself but no. Leave other people to do things and you get screwed over. Oh only seven weeks late, can't say I'm suprised, it's a joke.
Now throw another month onto things before they pulling their fucking fingers out and do anything.
Everyone seems to bitch and moan about their shitty little so called problems, live my life for a day, you'd wish you were dead.
What if one of us where to die? Aside from being devastated, eugh what a clique, it would have been a wasted chance.
Everything's so bloody complicated, I don't care what happened, or what people think for that matter.
Can't exactly walk up to a stranger and ask them, yet if friends, end up "too good" friends, so damned regardless of events.
Might as well admit it, I love you, there, I said it.
I'm not going back there again, it's of no benefit to me, more for them to get off on my misery.
Yes I heard your bitchy little comments about me, how professional, I'm ever so sorry if the pain I have to live with EVERY day affects twenty minutes of your time.
You all seem so angry with me, what have I done? I am trying, whether you accept the fact or not.
Been a year and a half of going there, if I could reverse time I'd just disappear, no one would miss me, I'm irrelevant. Can't now, trapped.
I notice while outside just how vile people have become. These apparent 'children' roaming the streets in dumb little groups getting in the way. Hate them.
Saying that though they all piss me off. Maybe it's just jealousy that I was forced to grow up quickly. Never got a chance to do normal stuff, even now I don't. The worlds a joke.
As for that karma bullshit, I took enough crap from people, and does karma intervene and help me or hinder them, nope. Like religion, another con as far as I can see.
The little interest I had in anything has now extinguished. Everyday has become more of a chore. Why bother? Sure sleeping eleven hours at a time has helped to significantly shorten the days but that shouldn't have to happen.
Like an avalanche, the shit hit the fan. My abandonment by those supposedly helping me, the bitching nature of so called comrades, the selling out to busybodies hot to find new gossip, and every attempt to meet up so I can properly explain things to you. Before they may have been friends only reasons, but that was ages ago, reasons change.
Outside again, it's great! The people in the usual haunts recognise me, so I don't get pestered with receipts and they know what food I'd order.
The mates actually want me to be there, finally accepted into a social group where I can just be myself and don't need to constantly watch what I'm saying.
But then they day ends. Forced away, if they thought I was depressing outside then they would be in for a shock. I'm forced back to talking to them just so I don't have to think. But then distanced and back to the third person view.
I'm done, I'm leaving this shit, next week I'll just pack a bag and leave. I fucking hate all of you, suffocating me, I can move without being moaned at.
Don't try to talk to me now you shallow cunt, yesterday you were telling me to kill myself, which I would happily do to get away from you all.
Why should I have to live everyday in pain? It's not a normal life, being outcast from everyone else, creating bullshit excuses as to what to real problems are.
Everyone else always gets the girl in the end, typically not me.
Another 'exciting' conversation explaining the 'rules of engagement'. While I guess it's good to know that people would jump to my aid if I'm getting the shit beaten out of me, it's unrealistic. We're no longer in a playground.
Pretty short sighted anyway, think about, it just becomes a case of who has the most people then everything escalates. Or is that far to logical?
Then after a detailed explaination of how to punch, I'm left standing there wondering just how to reply.
Anyway the only person I'd happily punch is all talk and would just hide anyway.
Pathetic fallacy? Maybe but if that were the case it would be more of a monsoon, opposed to conventional rain.
So apparently I did well, well meh, people will always do better or worse so no point getting worked up. Everyone excitedly sharing the crap, well guess I've become more detached from "them". In two years I'll be fucked again, assuming I'm still around then.
Don't do that, I don't want money, it's the only reason I bothered wasting five years. Swapped the money for a IOU, and dumped it in the bin. Now out of vodka, hooray, not.
Today I learnt what it would be like to be buried alive. Weren't too bad really. Massive machine spins around you screeching while a load of magnetics turn. Was quite relaxing. Doubt anything was really achieved, it never is.
Don't mind hospitals, I seem to spend a long time waiting in them so doesn't bother me. Also quite entertaining seeing other people suffering, because their going to get sympathy, not.
I realised yesterday it's been about 8 months, wow that would be a depressing two years. All these shitty films they say they love the person then boom, real life, doesn't happen.
Guess I've finally grown up now, no really scared of anything anymore. After being terrified of darkness, I just went out for a walk at midnight. It also dispelled ghosts and all that crap, pretty real, assuming your a tourist who needs to be conned. When you got all day to think it's easy to see how stupid be scared of stuff is.
But I am haunted, three numbers seem to appear in sequence strangely often. Maybe it's just that I notice them more, not like it's got any "hidden meaning", or maybe it's been planted by soviet spys, not.
Well I guess clothes shopping went successfully today. Have to look decent I guess, well don't want to be judged by face value ideally. That's all it comes down to really, fitting it, being like everyone but at the same time not. Well it's bullshit, fuck anyone that decides to judge me.
My major gripe while hunting for jeans is not only the million different styles, but bloody button flys. What a waste if time. It's as if they do it to be spiteful, bloody designers. Don't even get me started on that "super dry" fad. Seriously, people are like sheep.
"While my guitar gently weeps",
All my guitar does is muffled notes and echoing strings. It bored me, those "experts" who claim to be great. Well their not. They couldn't write a song for shit.
So I just sit there, guitar around my shoulder looking at it, occasionally playing a chord. So this is the glamourous new hobby, I'd rather get back to writing, but really can't be fucked.
Got to love "mates rates" a phrase I only heard about the other day. If it means I'm getting drinks at a third of the price, then I can't complain.
Set a new record today, hospital twice, in a single day! How shit my life is. Dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour to be "scanned", oh and how riveting it was.
Sensing that the day was only going to get worse I went back to bed, then returned to the hospital, after a large amount of gin.
While patiently waiting I had time to consider many things. Before being swepted into another one of the bastard tests, hate that fucking machine. Then the awkward silence as they sit there, staring at a meaningless bit of paper, just another number.
As soon as your born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules,
A working class hero is something to be,
A working class hero is something to be.
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