BY tbeck

12/01 Direct Link
He woke sharing his dreams which are more vivid and descriptive than ever before. The subconscious seeping into his deep sleep and creating sci fi scenes right out of Ray Bradbury's stories. I can barely follow the dreams but I nod my head and say "that's interesting." I feel like a shrink except I'm not getting paid $150.00 an hour for the time spent talking about it. I wake early and barely can remember my dreams. My sleep every night is less than five hours which doesn't seem enough but I manage to get by. No sleeping pills yet.
12/02 Direct Link
The annual holiday parade happened on Saturday and those that braved the rain lined the street waiting for it to begin. The group of bagpipers led it off with the beautiful sounds echoing through the town. If you closed your eyes you could imagine being in Scotland with the mist of rain and cool damp air. I'm in the Pacific Northwest where winter has almost arrived and you can't let rain get in the way. You'll be locked indoors for six months if you don't put on your gear and get out there. The parade was over in fifteen minutes.
12/03 Direct Link
In so many words Dave told Rebecca "I feel like I want more intimacy in our relationship. What we have isn't enough for me." Rebecca thought "isn't that what the woman usually tells the man?" They had been dating seven months and from what Rebecca could tell their relationship was exactly what she wanted. She saw him once during the week usually for drinks at the corner bar. And again on Saturday nights for a movie or dinner. It worked for her schedule and they were compatible and sex was good. She wanted to ask Dave "why rock the boat?"
12/04 Direct Link
The resentments are building and I'm stacking a fortress high enough that no one will ever break it down. The barrier is a protection against all past hurt and pain. It is a suit of armor, a hard shell of coating to protect my heart. No one can penetrate through the man made material except love. That's where nothing else fails. The true test of letting go: Forgive and move on. Let go of the past. Nothing else from the past matters. Everyone gets hurt and let down. But love prevails. It is simple. Love prevails. It is a gift.
12/05 Direct Link
They divorced eleven years ago but they still have a business partnership in the cottage industry they started thirty four years ago. Not to mention the two kids and a grandson. If you're around them for any period of time you'll figure out pretty quickly why they're not married any more. They are toxic around each other and the son who works for them gets to witness it every day. They argue about everything but somehow manage to run a viable business. The son is learning the ropes and may one day take over and run it on his own.
12/06 Direct Link
I glance at the calendar and I've missed the whole week of writing. Today is Thursday and it feels like the slowest week and the busiest. I'm just spinning my wheels and nothing is getting done at my house. How the day gets away from me I don't know. As I take some time to sit down and write, I'm realizing I'm doing for everyone else. Why are their needs more important, that I drop everything and run to help them? That's what I want to change. I can't be the rescuer and no one wants to be rescued. Right?
12/07 Direct Link
The biggest obstacle in his life. Himself. He'll do it on his own. That's the way he's been all his life. The oldest of three boys in his family and he learned to be the leader. The one in charge. He's in control of everything. That's what he is. Don't try to question the decisions he makes because he won't hear of an alternative. Every avenue has been figured out. A course has been planned and executed. That is the way it is. Almost sixty years of behaving this way. That's how it is and that's how it will be.
12/08 Direct Link
She's away from home for the first time attending college on the west coast. It was a big deal to apply but with a unique program she was accepted as an out of state freshman. Since arriving in September she has loved every minute of college. No regrets for making the decision to leave all her friends and family behind. She's settled into dorm living with three other roommates and has made new friends that she'll have for life. These will probably be her bridesmaids at her wedding. They'll go old together. At almost nineteen she loves her new life.
12/09 Direct Link
The shadow effect is prevalent in all of us and most don't know it. The shadow effect is the dark side of our being. What secrets do we hide? What fears hold us back from pursuing our dreams? We can blame our parents or society for our upbringing but that's an endless tape. When we point the finger we have three pointing back. Take responsibility for your own life. Are you cheating on your spouse? Abusing drugs and alcohol? Spending money you don't have? Watching porn, overeating, playing video games? Just be courageous and stop. It's time to wake up.
12/10 Direct Link
He's a mean old grinch and almost looks like one. As a boss he's the worst. An ass and everyone knows it. His temper flairs and he doesn't hide it. Spews orders to those doing the hardest part of the job and wants it now. No slacking off on this job. There is some skill to get it right and mistakes do happen. On every part of the process the items need to be done just so. If you fudge he'll know. For thirty plus years he's been making a product his way. He needs to keep his employees happy.
12/11 Direct Link
Once again I've done very little to shop for Christmas this year and with a little more than two weeks to go "what am I waiting for?" Before Thanksgiving I had ideas for making my holiday cards but that idea came and went. Baking cookies, writing out cards and mailing packages to family may not happen and I need to accept that. This is the season of giving and I can give in other ways. Buying experiences and making gifts can work along with contributing to a non-profit. I can no longer support buying plastic junk and senseless things.
12/12 Direct Link
He called at work to say he finally found a car and would I go with him in the afternoon to look at it? This car hunting has been going on for months now. Looking for a used Suburu with low mileage at a good price is nearly impossible. Thanks to Craigslist there are many listed and by now he knows what he's looking for. So on a rainy December afternoon with barely enough daylight we find the owner's house and test drive the Suburu Outback. The price was almost right but the car had some concerns. He'll keep looking.
12/13 Direct Link
First he left a message and said he had a couple of short stories he had written and wanted me to read. I learned he's been waking early every morning and spending a few hours hand writing these stories. He felt it worked to write them out by hand rather than on his laptop. Something solidified in his thought process when he put pen to paper. After the story was written he would go over it and when he was satisfied he would type it out on the computer. The laborious steps in the creative realm of writing his stories.
12/14 Direct Link
The week has flown by and I can't seem to stay on track with writing these entries. I'm still waking early but can't seem to get in a good rhythm to write and move about my day. That's what usually works except not lately. Instead of beating myself up about what I'm not doing or procrastinating, I sit down and complete the week of entries. It can take longer this way but I'll do it. One word at a time will complete a sentence and then more sentences will complete one hundred words. Just that simple and it'll be done.
12/15 Direct Link
I am beyond saddened by the event in Connecticut yesterday with the killing of innocent children. I initially heard the news report on the radio but didn't realize the magnitude until mid afternoon. This would be every parents nightmare. You kiss your child goodbye, send them off to school and a few hours later you find out your child is dead. Gunned down in a classroom. The killer, a twenty year old male who was mentally ill, angry or depressed. We may never know why he killed his mother and turned his weapons on these children, adults and then himself.
12/16 Direct Link
In light of the mass shooting I'm looking at my life a day at a time. It seems that none of us can predict what will happen in the course of a day. You can go off to work and be gunned down. The whole thing is maddening and I can't express in words the frustration and helplessness I feel after this tragedy. We've accepted certain beliefs about guns and especially assault weapons as a right to bear arms. But at what price? Enough is enough and I hope as a society we change those beliefs. Those children deserve it.
12/17 Direct Link
The dysfuntion of their lives affects all those around them. They have no idea the impact on their behavior. The challenge is still running a business long after the divorce from their twenty year marriage. The bickering at work continues and neither one can back down. They both want to be the boss. As an observer to the chaos I ask myself "Why put up with each other if you no longer want to be married?" "Why be in a working partnership especially when it comes to your livelihood?" Do they love what they do? Maybe. Toxic for everyone else.
12/18 Direct Link
Beth was stretching the truth and didn't want to lie to Tom any longer. She could go on and pretend it wasn't a problem but she knew better. It was as if an angel was sitting on one of her shoulders and the devil on the other. Between the two of them they were arguing back and forth and the devil was winning. It wouldn't take much to convince Beth and even though she knew better she listened to the devil. In his sinister way he had her. It would take all of her might to resist and stop him.
12/19 Direct Link
It is plain and simple he bugs me, really bugs me with his stories of his childhood. Mundane details about when he was ten and did this or that with his buddy. He is living so much in the past and so evident that he can't let go of his childhood. At fifty-four years old you have to wonder if he'll ever grow up. On and on about his past which the stories are long and drawn out. I want to sound interested but I'm bored stiff. It is no longer fun. Too annoying and he needs to stop.
12/20 Direct Link
With an endless list of to-do's I'm getting through the day. After work today we'll be packing up the car and driving to central Oregon and spend a week's vacation with another couple rather than fly across the country to visit family. Months ago we decided to do something different this year and rent a house that will accomodate the four of us. We'll cook and share meals together and on Christmas morning wake up and exchange gifts. I love both sides of our family and always happy to see them but this Christmas trip will be more relaxing.
12/21 Direct Link
For years Sam read everything he could about the predications that the world would end on December 21, 2012. He searched the internet for books written by self proclaimed experts and their interpretation of what the Mayan calendar mapped out. Sam wanted to understand the prophecy the best he could and then decide for himself. There wasn't any preparation on his part. He didn't stockpile food or build himself a luxury bunker deep underground the earth. As December 21st arrived and he was alive with his home, family and life still intact. Sam decided to embrace the world around him.
12/22 Direct Link
Two good friends sitting across from each other with guitars and playing music. One telling the other the chords as they figure out the song and sweet music fills the room. A chicken cooking in the oven and the lights from the Christmas tree twinkling across the room. It is a perfect moment and I want it to last forever. The spontaneity of the time together is what I cherish the most. No agendas to speak of. No set time for meals. The day unfolds as to what everyone wants to do. I needed this vacation more than I realized.
12/23 Direct Link
Snow started falling this morning and by mid afternoon close to a foot had fallen. Like little kids we ventured outside and started throwing snowballs at each other. I wimped out by standing under the Juniper tree and noticed the weighted branches heavy with snow. The scenery was beautiful being the first snow of the year. It'll be a white Christmas which I haven't experienced in years. The rest of the day we continued with a hike and ended up soaking in the hot tub while light snow hit the top of our heads. It couldn't be a better day.
12/24 Direct Link
He was being honest and had to tell the group what was going on for himself. As tears welled up in his eyes and the top of his lip quivered he was just barely able to hold back from crying. Years of feeling inadequate in groups. Not smart or good enough to hold conversations with others. The fear of being rejected by others. It has been engrained in his psyche and all he wants to do is free himself from the thinking. The truth is he can hold conversations and is smart enough. Smarter than he gives himself credit for.
12/25 Direct Link
We decided this Christmas we wanted to find an individual or a family and give them a hundred dollar bill as a gift. We didn't exactly know what the criteria was but we agreed we'd both know. As we were out shopping at the grocery store or running errands we were looking. I'd see a young mother pushing a little girl in a stroller and say "how about them?" My husband shook his head no. We finally saw a man with his one year old daughter shopping in a Goodwill and told him we had a Christmas present for him.
12/26 Direct Link
A day full of

delicious food

reminscing childhood stories

saying prayers for those no longer with us

good conversations


gift giving

acting goofy

playing music and singing

making contact with family and friends

being grateful

baking a pumpkin pie

playing a new board game

reading out loud some favorite Christmas stories

drinking tea

taking an evening walk

Cherished memories created with friends and in our hearts forever.
12/27 Direct Link
While on vacation I read a memoir by a contemporary writer that I never even heard of. I bought the hardcover book for fifty cents at the thrift store and he wrote of his dysfunctional childhood, a crazy mother and his father who tried to kill his mother when he was twelve years old. Not the easiest subjects to read about but the style of writing flowed. From the moment I picked it up I wanted to keep reading to find out how he got through his childhood. Despite not knowing the authors previous work I want to read more.
12/28 Direct Link
The week of vacation came to an end and at the crack of dawn we loaded up our cars to drive home. As we stood bleary eyed in the kitchen watching Steve make his second pot of coffee, we all agreed "this was the best vacation ever." We didn't get to lounge by the poolside or bask on a tropical beach sipping cocktail beverages. Instead we ventured to the cold, snowy region of Oregon and appreciated the time with friends. We hiked in the snow, went sled riding, cooked fabulous meals together, played music, sang and laughed for a week.
12/29 Direct Link
The week has been a blur since being on vacation and now back home. Getting out of the car and unloading our bags I take a moment to look out at the back field. The grey landscape surrounds with fog, with no sight of the sun. It is a familiar feeling, the dampness of the Pacific Northwest. This is home and has been for fourteen years. I'm not always thrilled with the weather and adjusting will be difficult this time. Coming back from any vacation is hard but for now I'll unpack and put my life in order. I'm thankful.
12/30 Direct Link
My head is throbbing which I'm sure is caffeine withdrawl. With no coffee in the house to speak of I'll have to manage without. A drive to the store would suffice but too lazy to do so. The house is warming up with the wood stove cooking and I can sip on a cup of black tea. That should take care of the headache. The subtle changes can throw off my morning. How attached to routines am I? Can that really be a sentence? For now I'm writing words to complete this entry and be done with it for today.
12/31 Direct Link
I will finish the last entry of 2012 with my observations and insights and I'm not sure what those will be. I'm actually happy to see the year come to an end. The presidential election was tiresome and went on way longer than was necessary. I'm happy Obama was re-elected and I'm hopefull he'll lead us out of this financial mess. The Mayan calendar "end of the world" prediction came and went. The world didn't end but the tragedy of senseless killings happened to innocent children and that saddens me. Something needs to change as a society real soon.