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OK, no more whining. Taking back my life, not sitting around waiting for someone to bring it to me on a tray. Half the year over, divorce still not final, smiling anyway. Am free enough, have nice apt, things are good. Will solve S housing problem. D is doing great. A and I are going to services (weird/fun!). Will make more friends, find new things to do. Back to gym, more writing. Arts festival maybe, no biggie going alone. As far as the guy, he needs to sort out his stuff and I might end up moving on first.
It's good to choose a reality that keeps you functioning (i.e., holding a job if you are not born wealthy), and if that's the one the majority also seems to perceive, all the better as then you won't be labeled nutso. Even my first husband, the schizophrenic, had this figured out and tried to adapt, though he would fail hugely at times. When I fail, it's discreetly and no one much notices, so it's fine. I spiral down suddenly, cry at work, nobody sees ... I recover, continue. But what I see when darkness falls is not necessarily less real.
I have floated back to the top level with my love. He understands and accepts that I am unstable. It mostly only hurts me anyway, not that he likes this, but it doesn't usually affect him. I keep messing up with the kids, talking too much and ruining good discussions. Must work harder on knowing when to stifle. Things are basically good though all around. J is doing some odd thing, having a guest, wants S to clean up her room there. But whatever, as long as he sends the checks. Court website says I am still not divorced yet.
Thought today would be difficult, but it's not. Kids are gone, which is good. S annoys me terribly lately, which makes me so sad because she's leaving, but I can hardly bear the way she is now clinging to the BF every second. I like him, but I don't want him here all the time. If I say anything, then she goes to his house. I'm OK that my love is with his family, totally OK. I like the quiet here in my little place with the pleasant breeze. I put up towel hooks all by myself. I am calm.
Keeping perspective. Making sure minor annoyances stay in their boxes and don't bubble up explode all over. S lost her keys, felt so bad I couldn't be mad at her, plus wasn't her fault. Almost feel sorry for J in his new seemingly worse state ... or maybe he's happier not communicating with the kids at all. He's such an enigma. Thinking about the few good times, zoos and such, back in the day. Those were a long, long time ago. We think he may be getting ready to detox, may be hiring someone to watch over him so nothing happens.
The crazy, it is without end. She does as he asks, and he flips out over a remark about a lamp, drags me into it. Turns out he is having old GF's daughter stay for a week. Why not have a relationship with his own kids? Who knows! Let's not waste energy trying to untangle the looneystrings. I am OK this time though, not letting him mess me up and control my moods. It's all because of my love; could not have survived this without him. Must remember I did nothing to cause this and could not have stopped it.
Been dizzy and today vertigo is back. Usually goes away on its own, unless signaling oncoming infection. I know it's physical, but makes me feel floaty and a little disconnected, plus more creative. Not a bad thing really, as long as I'm basically safe driving, etc. Not sure why it returns, maybe heat? Haven't kept track enough, but seems to be a summery phenom. I don't think it's stress. I'm better there. Letting go of my deathless grip on the certainty illusion. Loved ones are all good, even when they stumble. And there's nothing I can do about the crazy.
Millions of people get divorced; some lose contact with their kids. More men than women, I read. But not deliberately, it just happens over time. My ex hates his kids. He simply despises them, wants to cut them from his life, pretend they don't exist. Because they remind him of me and his "horrible mistake" in marrying me. D is over it, and a bit older, but even so it has to hurt. It's really hurting S; she doesn't understand what she did wrong. Nothing. He's such a bad person; no one likes him. I just hope they'll be OK.
Dreamt I was getting married to my lover. Wasn't sure how this was possible, his divorce? But everything went so quickly, guests coming, food, decorations. But then it wasn't him, it was the ex. They had tricked me. Everyone waiting. Ex saying I couldn't back out, hah. But I did; I called it off in front of them all. Still had to go to ex's to take care of the cats. He was there with another woman, laughing at me as cats ran out the door. I chased them, caught one, a neighbor got the other. Hard to hold both...
I want to tell him about the small things now, today, but he's tired. I know sometimes he skims my emails; I write so much things get lost. Never learn to cut to the heart ... I have so much, it bubbles out, the feelings, the clever turns of phrase. He can't deal with all my shit on top of his own, I get that. Then I think, oh why bother emailing at all. Then I worry we'll lose our connection, so I email a little, but if I edit while writing it's not the same. Won't see him until Wednesday.
People become more who they are. The ex: paranoid, angry, loner. My dad: lazy, gullible, careless. Me: needy, anxious, cynical. I give love freely though, even now, after all this. And I accept that he loves me. Love is enough, sometimes, but eventually I want out of the shadows. I can see that it will be hard to create "a life" when S leaves. There just isn't much out there (here) for me to do. Truth is, I want a partner. Don't want to be bopping around at craft shows and museums alone or with some women I barely know.
Good day at work, busybusy like the old days. Felt needed; they thanked me. Stayed over an hour late. Got big headache from skipping lunch. This has been a great job for me -- 10 years! And J left my pension plan alone in the divorce, even though he has nothing. Only fair though, he could start working again like a full-time professional at any point, his choice. I can only do this, or less. I love the quiet office and working for supersmart people. Could not bear to go back to working for average folks. I am a snob.
Have been emotionally withdrawing from my lover. Good advice from friends, plus when you have to ask, you already know. Checked some personal ads. Mike, omg! I met him when we were both married; he seemed hopelessly tangled just like my lover, but Mike is OUT, single. I'm not interested in him, but I find this hopeful, in a weird way. Not for my lover because I've given up on him, but for myself. I don't have to be so scared of everything. I don't have to trade one prison for another. I can go out there and be OK.
I thought I would have a better day today, being free and all, but it pretty much sucks. Last night was good, long phone convo with C. What a great friend he turned out to be. Was angry with him for a while because he was so negative about my lover, but that's OK. Things could still work out there, but it's not looking good. He tried to reach out today and I responded, but it's a disaster so far. Did a dumb thing at work, not a big deal, just dumb. Headache, cold, tense, shaky. Should go work out.
So today. I finally accepted I can't do impossible things. Like when I was a teenager and couldn't fast or give up desserts forever or exercise every single day at 5:30AM for one hour. Like that. I told him. I can't do this anymore. Will only continue to make us both unhappy. Love is not enough ... I need X; you can't give it to me. And I understand. Then he gave me X. I was in so much shock it took a while to realize I was happy. The whole day was surreal from despair to this fantastical ending.
I'm so dizzy, not sure what to do. Can't remember if it's lasted this long before. Probably it has. Seems more severe this time. Used to be just when getting out of bed, but now it happens when I move my head even a little or arise from sitting. Guess my ear crystals are more messed up than usual, but I'm not in pain except for more headaches. Don't want to see the doc and have him tell me to go to the woo-woo clinic. In a way though, it's kind of cool, like being high all the time.
I hardly feel real anymore. Divorced after 23 years, all the BS finally over and done. He can't undo this. And now, after two+ years with this guy, the love of my life, saying he can't make promises, he makes them. The way we met, everything was so ... could have been something else, and now it's all so solid. Just weird and surreal. And I'm so dizzy on top of it all, can't hardly see straight, even when sitting still. But I have something to hold onto now. All will be OK. Not sure if I should go to doctor.
The memories slide away now. I think of her mostly in relation to him, or when I'm extremely troubled. Or when the girls and I are looking at photos, talking of shared features, etc. I'm losing the immediacy of her in my life. Been over three years. I wish... Idk. She was so annoying; I couldn't have spent more time with her when she was well. Not possible. But I still want her back. Still have the cruel wish that it had been him instead of her. She had so much more left and he isn't even who he was.
Dizziness is gone. Not going to assume it wasn't real, or that I caused it myself. It was here and gone, and my ear hurt off and on, still feels a bit clogged, so there is that. I always have mystery head problems ... perhaps more exercise will help. Did some last night, mild. D is sick again. She drinks too much; imo it makes things worse. But she believes it is the only way to have a social life. S still has no housing figured out. But I am OK because I feel loved and safe again and can relax.
People think I'm tough, scary even, not sure why, but I've heard it enough times now to accept that I exude this. And yet I feel so needy. Well, not needy toward the world, fuck the world, but always wanting to team up with one man, forever. And this makes me feel fragile and insecure wrt him. Thing is, the man (whoever he is at the time) will tell me I seem tough/scary too. That's the weird part. But I found someone tougher than me who understood finally what I need and gave it to me. I am lucky.
The divorce does change things materially day to day; I was wrong. I feel so disconnected now except for the checks, which I hope keep coming, but ~shrug~ what can I really do if they stop? We will deal. My engine light is on, something I'd have asked him about pre-final, but now I won't. I could, but I don't feel like it. I don't care about anything he's doing. He's going to Yosemite next month apparently, to hike, where it's dangerous. I dgaf. I no longer urge S to be nice to him, hopeless. It's just us now.
I have become inured to an enormous fuckload of physical pain, and the brainfog that comes with the drugs. Yet I still work every day, wouldn't do much better if I were painfree and clearheaded because this is what it is. Not putting it down, it's good, good enough. Maybe I couldn't have done more. I was never that ambitious. And while I like nice things, I need time to goof off, much more important. I'd be happy with J on very little, but we'll see how that goes. The ex called me a gold-digger, but he's an idiot.
Hard to ignore the now-dad and remember the then-dad, not that I was that close to him even so. But he was rational at least and OK to talk to sometimes. He seems to get around OK, but I wonder if his severe ST memory impairment is a sign of things breaking down physically. His feet are all swollen again; don't think he is doing anything about this. His skin is messed up. Circulation has been a problem for a long time. I see no reason to encourage any prolongation, so I say nothing about seeing a doctor.
Occasionally he'll say something so inadvertently romantic it kills me. Otherwise, I remind myself now that those deep feelings have to be there for him or he wouldn't have made the promises he did. There's no way. And I'm sure he doesn't remember stuff he's said in the past about how amazing things are between us, but somewhere that went into the calculation when he decided to commit to me. Otherwise, why? Things weren't good right then. But now he's back to the jokes ... and I musst accept that this is how he is. With the occasional mind-blowing exception.
Things are good; I should be happier. But my days feel so full of nothing. Constant mild terror that one of the girls will get hurt, or caught doing something stupid. Incessant boredom that I used to be able to assuage with bursts of creativity or at least fun banter online, but the writing surges have disappeared, my eyes are too tired for crafts, and the banter is meh. I am meh. J has come through with a commitment, but the actual week to week is still the same. Long time before that goes anywhere new. All seems so pointless.
I've been a beat behind for a week. Either my head is throbbing mercilessly or I'm in brainfog from drugs. Been screwing up in little ways, here and there, at work. It's just not good. I feel stupid, embarrassed. Probably everyone else forgets it immediately; they have more important things to worry about. But it will seep into their heads eventually that I'm sorta off. That's what happens. Over time, their impression of me will change. And now I have this weird backache, too, that sometimes feels like a stomachache. I guess I'm just old. I can't focus on anything.
I think my doctor suspected I'm depressed, should talk to someone. Maybe I should, don't want to be like the ex, refusing help. But what good would it do now? Anyone would tell me to leave him. It's pure idiocy to be in this relationship -- who wouldn't be depressed? Trade one stupid thing for another. But I'm optimistic it will turn out OK long-term. But that means I have to get through this first. Lots and lots of this. And the physical changes. Plus pain, stress, empty nest. And no mommy. Idk. I think I can do it all.
Funny I don't miss him, not how he is, or was. I miss the idea I had and the few glimpses, teases really, of how life could or "should" have been. Married life, with children. Safety, warmth, love. Foreverness. Something you could count on. Someone you could count on. To pick you up from the car mechanic's or the doctor's. I don't have this, and barely had it back then. SHE has this last thing, even though he hates her. And the holidays, etc. She will have it for a while longer. This is how it is. I have valium.
So many memories of when they were small. And the cats, for a while, until D became allergic. And Mom. And baking and crafts and fairs. Face-painting. So smart and cute. I knew I was lucky; I appreciated it. Lonely then though, as now. Unable to connect with other women. Why is that? Men are OK, though relationships are another thing entirely. Women... I just don't know. Supposed to have lunch with one on Sunday. Her last email perplexes me. Is she annoyed she usually picks the place? But she's the vegetarian! So I am scrambling to find something.
Whined all month despite resolution, oh well. But finally rallied and joined a group, hurrah! Women, desserts, Scrabble, 2x/month. Should be good. Whatever happens with the romance long-term, I need other stuff to do now besides sitting here staring at screen. And must always go to gym when feeling even halfway OK because of so many times in way too much pain. Forgot about that. Have had to skip several days now. Found housing for S, not ideal, but better than cardboard box. Huge relief, and dorm offer could still materialize last minute. Things do somehow work out.
My sweetie is back east visiting his parents. Before that he had a business trip; after this he'll have another one. Then he takes his kid to college. This is the most we've been apart, but it's OK. He's more stressed than I am, not about being apart, just stuff in general. I was freaked about S's housing; now I'm just making lists of what to buy/do. My job is mostly lowish stress, and the ex situation is under control. I only have to manage worrying about the kids, chronic pain, and the non-ideal romance. That is all.
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