Spring's arrived and changed my life, working like a dog forgetting about past strife. The call I thought would never arrive, He's doing well, getting sober, free at last- He's alive. April and May have turned over quickly, so many changes rapidly twisting me. I look good I feel good I'm finding my balance when only months ago everything was hanging in the valance. I await a letter as I'm simply dying to know what the hells been going on in this life B chose to sew. In the interim, I've been doing MY OWN THING, despite everyone- pretty hardcore.

Melancholy- for all that's been lost; all that seems unreachable. Addictive- to everything i shouldn't be. epitomized by somehow strangely having same effect on others. Denial- favorite form of escapism. sleep my finest allie in this endeavor. Nocturnal- tis the wolf in me perhaps. Electric- copper. like a magnet, others cling or repel all too quickly. Substitute- work, friends, lovers, family.... life lately, what a sin. disliking company of those who want me not around but for selfish reasons or pity. fuck that. Salient- hate saying that about myself. truth- abominable. waiting for the sun. only capital letters speak truth.

March entry- Full moon's arrived, all that's been done; undone since the first quarter now coming to fruition. Bleachers closed. Watering hole for years.... Cohort to my self-destruction. E and I- well, some things-better off left alone. OCD, ADD, moodiness. Can't take it much longer. My sweet Bre's Doctor appointment. I'll never leave him alone with that doctor again. Wanna fly away. Still awaiting answers; closure perhaps. The visit planned for the 13th never transpired. Keep thinking about what will happen with that. Waiting again....harsh. Collections....penniless... There must be employment suitable that will surface. Rock bottoms here- growing stronger daily.

There's a place I've yet to create in reality- exists solely in the depths of the soul. There are gardens full of perennials and butterflies. Master bedroom has a great big tub built for two. It's secluded yet in walking distance to the best pizza and Chinese around. On cold nights we lay dreamily on a thick soft rug in front of the fireplace....Someday I'll take this place out of my mind and put it on that piece of land in New City. Living Free and happy forever if we like. I'll just keep playing lottery; keep the dream alive.

Hearing your voice after all this time, echoes sweetly through heart and mind, bright sunny days- soft melodies of windchimes. I long to see you more than you'll ever know- In many dreams I've been told we'll share time together at your Aunt's- Why? Who knows? - That's just what they choose to show. That land I spoke of awaits, wherever it might be- working diligently to make something ours, to be together, smiles, trials, changes to sew- as all things come and go, If I was to lose you again....It'd have to surpass hell or high-water to do so.

Always last on everyone's list. Frustrating. Disheartening. Always told not good enough. Dad says- I'd never hire someone like you. Ed makes it clear- I could care the fk less about you. Friends don't reach out. Same people I have always been there for don't come around when truly needed. Root of problem is- I HAVE NOT made myself the priority. People see it- look down upon it. Time to separate even if it means losing my beloved Bre kitty. Only God knows and only God can guide me now. Meditation my only means of escaping and perhaps finding answers.

Sometimes life just throws you every which way. Don't know which way is forward; which way is back- can't figure out what's important; how to gain what I lack. Too much worry- anguish on my back. Constantly under attack. All too often defensive- losing my tact. It is at these times when it's shit that I attract. No matter how often I shower I will stink until I get the pieces back together and stop posing as some crazy missing link. Put my head under cold water in the sink. Tomorrow comes too quickly- here it is as I blink.

Alcohol- AWESOME. I dance- let loose. Went to the bank to deposit my pay- only half was left . I LOVE beer. What pissed me off was when I put on jeans and realized how tight they're getting. The scale agreed. Citron shots urge me to sing. LOVE singing. Always wanted to be a performer. Never had lessons- but I ROCK. BBBBUUUUTTTT...by the time I get on stage I'm off key. Never realizing until everyone teases me afterwards. Sometimes I switch to wine- "calories." Still, I've no idea how I'll get back to my vehicle. Lucky though, I'm home safe.

It's a charmed life, thanks to karma. J arrived just in time to save me from the drama. E sustained me all this time, my mind swirling violently, basking in the memory of your smile. The circles of life bathe us in the unexpected; fragrant Lilies bloom upon the paths to which we've been re-directed....Each day I long to hear the sound of your voice, the phone always with me even as I sleep, for where you are I cannot reach you, and this I must deal with for a while. Sweet confusion overwhelms me, wanna fly - set me free.

Sit back, sip a beer. Listen not to the carelessness that I hear. Never been happy in an office but I'm happy here. Using all of my senses, moving, talking, counting, making people smile, lending an ear. All jobs require an aspect that seems unclear. People are people at their best and when they talk out of their rear. Screw it this is part of the job. Let it roll, work hard, make money- that's why I'm here....besides, there's no crying in Baseball J always said and he's right- we can't always be at our best using a level head.

Eight months- still you've said I love you only once. At first we were headed for something wonderful- what's become of us? I've moved on in many different directions, I look not to harbor on this one fact. However, I know not where to go from here. You're my confident, the person I talk to every day. Yet, somehow, somewhere along the way I lost you. Now what? "Who can say where the road goes, as your heart shows...only time..."That song belonged to J and I, not us. HE's the man I count on. The man I trust whole-heartedly.

If only I could live around the corner from that certain.... CAFÃÆ'‰ AT NIGHT, even if just for a spell, I know my creative side would take flight. When there seems to be no hope in sight, I'd walk over to that cafÃÆ'© and bask in the light of the dusky sky, that would be my high, the world could say goodbye and I would be alright....writing dibbles on napkins, observing all that's around. Alone- yet never alone, the sweet symbolism of it all- in the simplicity of my dreams, dining alone around the corner at the CAFÃÆ'‰ AT NIGHT.

22 . Celebrating somewhere in Beach Lake. Beautiful Boy. There's a God who's gentle and kind, despite my doubts during wrathful times. Somewhere, somehow, I truly believe, my prayers were answered. I adore N.Y. in June- it tantalizes the senses with sweet delight, Long sunny Days make me mindful of this precious earthly life; soft silky nights perfect for star gazing; dreaming. Wish I could be there holding you tonight- I'll be thinking of you as my eyes stray from light. Happy Birthday sweetheart- may tender thoughts tickle your soul and sweet kisses glitter down upon you till morning light.

This past year must've aged you times five. However you're alive- beginning to THRIVE. You feel- for what seems like the very first time- scared the feeling won't stay alive. We ALL are, that's life. Welcome sweet friend. Tough being human, days of laughter love and strife. I pray you'll never turn back- no matter your fears. We'd have no world at all if everyone escaped reality all the time...so shame on us both for hiding all this time. Come bask in the heat with me and jump into the cool lake. Blessed is each day- never should we forsake.

This week's been hectic. I've spent hours getting my hair done, tanning, getting nails done and etc. It's hard to believe I will FINALLY see you tomorrow. How I wish you knew all this time, how often you were on my mind. I'm a little nervous but excited is really the proper word. Not sure what to expect but my instincts tell me that this will turn out more than just good. So lucky I am to have been heard- the angels responded to my cries and behold- they have sent you back to me. It's more priceless than gold.

There aren't words elegant enough to express tonight- energies braided together as our spirits took flight. Right where we left off yet so richly better, I often prayed this would someday arrive, in something so simple as being together. If life could be like these moments all the time, there'd always be peace for all of mankind. It doesn't get any better than this- when you find such emotion in the simplicity of a look, a gentle touch or a kiss. Pure bliss, this is what I miss, every day of my life; I will always remember you like this.

Just so you know, I wouldn't change anything. I'd simply make an addition to our time together- I'd wake up in your arms, and never let you go. It'll be tough for a while. I missed you before. Imagine now, after months of wondering; waiting- NOW, after seeing you, I'll miss you even more. Your smile is the sunshine that brightens up my days, even though you're miles away- so please don't ever frown. Your progress means the world to me sweetheart - I know this time around, you'll stand your ground, never letting yourself or your loved ones down.

On this planet I'm but a tourist-always striving but instinctively knowing- I'll never even come close to the purest of those who have walked the paths of spiritual enlightenment. Who am I to even try to take on some mother Theresa role when I cannot help myself- and all too often I've been in large, a part of evils that unfold. I fight my anger within for my own self by trying to be selfless. Funny thing is, in the end what it really comes down to is my own fears- making me exactly what I'm trying not to be...SELFISH....

This lifestyle and what I truly want from life shall never coalesce. Everything extra I do to better things is simply ineffectual. The semaphore is clear, yet I cannot seem to pervade it. In the interim I count my blessings- for his delectable entry back into my life is truly my Arabella. Don't wanna continue on this way, chiding myself especially while others easily see. The impetus was always quick money and the night hours- plus I enjoy bartending but it's becoming hazardous to both my physical and mental well being. Can't just sit around and prognosticate. Gotta take action.

The simpler side of life...Not so simple. You know what- those who have not been BLESSED with all society deems as glorious...money, family, health, intelligence- these are the people I meet. They have EVERYTHING, yet they whine like children - OH POOR ME I WANNA DIE!! It's Fkn unreal. These people have been put in front of me for a reason. I too have been that person -seeing it in others disgusts me. HINT HINT. Keep going C- U r headed towards the right track. See me smile...New flowers are blooming in the front garden- that's all I need to smile.

Haven't heard even one word, my stomach turns, my insides burn. Yes- there is most certainly love there, it never went away. Life may have gone on without you but from my spirit I never let you stray. It took so long to tuck such deep emotions away. Now they are running rampant through my veins and the confusion in leading so many separate emotional lives is causing horrific pain. The bittersweet symphony plays deafeningly with each breath that I take, no matter which path I take there is something very dear to me at stake. I need a break.

Gullies. Always wanted to go and it was E who finally brought me. Wind in my hair Margarita in hand, smiles on our faces- sunshine....it was honestly quite grand. A simple place but best of all, completely unexpected and just what I needed to help me remember how lucky I've been to have you in my life this long, or even at all. Perspective sometimes lets guilt hang overhead, but for now, this day we're together having fun, nothing can ruin it, forget about what's been said or done. Today you are the person I fell for back in November.

Something's gotta be wrong- something I said in a letter? Just when things were getting better- just when things couldn't get any better. I wanna curse and scream but instead I lay in my bed questioning myself what the heck does all this mean...Tomorrow is another day perhaps the phone will ring and all these silly worries just won't mean a thing. Till then my friend I miss you more than words can say and hope that everything's ok. I'll see you soon, even if only in my dreams, where we meet eye to eye and your smile brightly beams.

A beautiful baby came into this world two days ago. Her name is Alexa Charlotte. Amazing, the look in Cathy's eyes, as she held her newborn baby girl- just stared at her and said- "Chris, I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful baby in my entire life."At that moment, for the first time in my life, I finally understood the incredible power of a mothers love. As I held Cathy's little one in the hospital today, instead of praying that would someday be me, I bowed my head down, silently praying, God Bless sweet little Alexa Charlotte.

Endless cards, questions, explanation letters have been sent. So far to no avail. Not knowing always drives me up a damn wall. There are so many important things I need to concentrate on that will make or break my future plans beginning in the fall. That's just it though, that's all I'm doing is falling- I was climbing for a while even though I deemed life as boring. My Angel showed up at my job. SURPRISE! He knows everyone, tis best that I lay low, work hard and give up waiting for that call. Lord help me not to stall.

Sign says NO right on red. I turn anyway. Joke to myself- It's ok on Wednesday. Making up rules- tell myself these things; giggle. I'm doing nothing wrong. Besides, usually no ones around- who's gonna know? Problem arises- I KNOW. Lately I've been living this way, careless, seemingly fearless. Reckless; Lucky I haven't crashed. This isn't who I am. Karma's coming for me. Gazing pensively into the plum midnight sky; pondering the circles of lies....If only I had a boat, we'd be swaying in the wake of yesterdays storm, soaking up sweet scents of summer in each others arms.

Again we're at the anniversary of that awful day when they took you away. 27 was always a number that stood out in my mind for good reasons, now it's become a day to be reckoned with. I was stupid in thinking I could write anything I wanted- that you were strong enough to understand. It never had to do with love, I HAD to move on though, life couldn't stay at a standstill much longer without me sinking with it. If you slip it will be my fault- I'd never forgive myself. Forgive me for my lack of awareness.

The big picture is something I always had trouble seeing and in the faint moments when I have I tend to close off my entire being. Sometimes because it's scary, other times because it's just too much to deal with. Again I lie around and ponder where the hell is mailman? This isn't the norm and it's got me frustrated and confused. Truth is I shouldn't be- what else is new- I've been used. Mother always said a leopard doesn't change his spots. Just when I thought I could finally give you all my heart, make a brand new start...

Little Jeanne got married- as she danced with daddy I cried. Just hours before leaving - The sickness reared its ugly head, proving my evils had returned for me, negating attempts to push them aside. Despite; I painted on a smile. Years of waiting, wedding after wedding- this time uncaring. It came flying at me in the second row, as if out of nowhere it gently flowed- I looked at my left hand and there it was, never-mind the bad karma I've lately sewed. My Angel then caught the brides blue garter-again showing himself truly, for he IS a martyr.

Unspeakable- Unbearable physical pain. Never in my life- NEVER have I been in such physical pain. Came back to me times three- counting my misdeeds it should've been worse. The poison stuck inside my loins, no escape, constant stabbing pain. The Vicadin times three didn't help for shit. I missed it all- food, pool, volleyball. Again, he proves himself. The man I knew in the beginning. From doctor, to pharmacy- checking on my progress frequently. The party at my parents house resumed without me- surrounded by people he never knew. God truly blessed me when he sent you, Sweet Angel.