7/3 - He wants me to feel safe while all of my friends are
in my life. My translation? He wants me to feel safe when I’m completely
honest and vulnerable with the people who can hurt me the most.
I’ve never done that. I’ve never considered being
comfortable with that, much less moving anywhere near the actual act. I
wouldn’t know what to do with myself or with my friends. The agony that would
surely follow… it would destroy me.
He’s hoping for the impossible, thinking I can change. Now I
have to be the one to disappoint him.
Today was another Garrett day. Only this time, I was
completely unfeeling. I’ve now gotten to gamble more times than he ever did,
and I truly believe that I don’t deserve that right. But these walls… they’re
making this a thoughtless situation where I don’t have to worry myself with the
trivial idea of agonizing pain. When, in all honesty, I should be crying myself
to sleep right now, feeling as though my heart has been punched through my
chest yet again. But I’m listening to Wicked and I’m completely numb. Surely
there’s a happy medium somewhere for me.
Lingering here would be acceptable. Remaining here,
surrounded by my family – where the blanket smells like Grandma and Good
Morning America acts as background noise – would be more than bearable. There’s
no stress here, no commitments, no walls necessary, because the topics only
reach as deep as soap dispensers. We’re fighting over bathroom order rather
than fighting to remain vulnerable; we’re talking casinos instead of
relationships; we’re accepting the silence rather than forcing ourselves to
fill it with meaningless chatter. There is no excitement in this existence, but
there is safety. And with safety, I can always find some form of happiness.
Taking out the trash was interesting tonight. For once, my
over reactive imagination didn’t lead to the shadows becoming serial killers or
the squeak of a shoe resembling the scrape of a knife, straight out of the
movies. The darkness instead heard my pleas for a murderer – for someone who
could take the responsibility out of my hands and control the unforeseeable
future. Fear completely evaporated, replaced by a yearning for some sort of
fluctuation in my agony. “Make it physical. Make this happen to someone else.
Allow me a moment of peacefulness without the ghost of this lurking below."