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I'm beyond busy. All the while my favorite TV evangelist keeps talking about 'simplifying' your life. (big huge internal scream)...IF ONLY. It's a busy time at work, with the stress of knowing things really SLOW down in the summer. Pace myself. Many things are breaking and need repair. My house is a mess. I keep thinking...how can I simplify? Things are what they are. In order to simplify I'd have to not have family, not own a business, not have kids, not be involved in the lives of others. I conclude, this is my crazy life. Live it!
I am so tired of 'that group' of Americans. The ones that live off the system. The ones that make it bad for the ones who really need HELP. Self-employed people who need help with insurance, those in between jobs who need help with food to feed their families. I don't know why we can't fix it. Are politicians so out of touch they can't see it? Help those who need help--tell the others to WORK. I am sick of the entitled group of Americans who think we, the working people, OWE them something. Lazy is a disease.
I got tested on my faith this week. I founded a group for a certain group of individuals. I founded it on God. I did. I wrote something on their facebook page about God(it was a devotion, actually) and wow, I didn't expect that retaliation I received. I reminded the 'posting person' that the organization was founded on God's prompting me to do it and that I'd never apologize to anyone for my beliefs. I also dismissed myself from that forum. Why is it ok for atheist to be vocal but Christians need to shut their mouths, I'm curious?
Why do really skilled doctors often come off as rulers of the world? Like they think their skill is because they are so good, not because God has equipped them with a skill. My mom, had to have a risky surgery to place a defibrillator in her heart. Her doctor "the best of the best" addressed her as if she was a dog. Those tears in her eyes were out of fear, asshole. Fear you are not as good as you think...I said asshole and God in the same entry. She got through it, thanks to God, not Dr. Asshole.
Running a little behind in entries. Running a little behind in everything. Seems as though the days run into one another. And then the most difficult part is when it comes to a screeching halt. The ebb and flow of business does that. Go on pure adrenaline and rush through everything. Then, to have to look for things to do is really hard on the system. It is hard on me emotionally, physically, spiritually and from a business planning perspective. If I could find a way to even out the peaks and valleys it would be so much less challenging.
Sunday, a day of rest, a day of peace. Misconception. He had to pull his Mr. Jekyl routine on me yesterday. I think his blood pressure meds helped. It seems to smooth out the extremes. Add to it some discipline we've had to be on top of with our son, it has complicated the equation. I discipline and then let it go. He wants to send them to prison without a parole. I am tired of him thinking he is so perfect. Then, when one of us makes a mistake, it's the end of the world. His failings are few.
A new day dawning. I read this quote and apologize I don't know where it came from. "Do not let someone else hold the key to your happiness in their pocket." Truth. It really is. I refuse to let another day be held hostage by his bad behavior. I can still find joy and happiness in the midst of it all. I like people, they like me. Why should I act badly because he has chosen to be a downcast person? I need to let go of the fact that I cannot change him and let go of the guilt.
i think i'd enjoy writing without the caps key. lets us see. some habits are hard to break. i know, i know, not real original, another great writer who has went before us did that. i just wanted to see what it felt like to break a habit. i think my largest struggle is knowing it's right to capitalize and my brain keeps saying as it has been trained, "fix that." i've deleted six times to try to make it through this personal challenge. oops, now seven. it's a odd thing this brain of ours. we think we control it...???
I apologize to the powers of this website for my delinquency and now having to try to write more than one entry in a day. That kind of makes me feel deceitful. It's better than just giving up though. The BUSY that's the dirty word in my life is now my Master. Well, God is my Master, but the thing I always said I wouldn't say, is what I'm saying this week, "I am too busy." With deep exasperation I admit that. It has me. I can't stop, go backward or just walk away. I am caught in its trap.
This is how my new book could be about the random in my life and people would find it amusing. I went into our new Dollar General in our hometown, a few days ago. I needed an iron, ours had broken. My son's shirt needed ironed. Once I leave my small town and travel home, there's no other place to stop. The clerk and I determined there were no irons in the D.G. She offered me one she had at her house. I paid her, drove to her house, her husband gave me her iron. I drove away, giggling.
Oh precious peonies, oh how I hate you. Some flowers are just meant to stay in your gardens. Brides(zillas) who see these ideas and then want us to bring them to perfect completion in their bouquets make me frantic. Our wholesaler messed up the order. I had to get these flowers from another source. They're either too 'blown' to use or tiny little buds. We received buds, which left us for the next 24 hours baby-sitting flowers and pretending we were God, trying to force them open. We finally succeeded but NEVER again. Leave peonies in the gardens.
There have been tremendous victories as far as answered prayer. I give all and total glory to the Lord. I am only a vessel who has the privelege of carrying concerns to Him. No really. That all sounds so "holier than thou" and it isn't. I am just amazed sometimes at His provisions. That He cares enough to listen and even more to provide. I am in love with my prayer life, my conversations with Him. There is so much power in believing that you can change things. I am blessed to be aware of this gift in my life.
We have large homes, entertainment rooms, elaborate pools and places for large gatherings...and in these, no one gathers. Well, that is an over-generalized statement, but really...I watch House Hunters and think...who really entertains, anymore? I have a nice house for entertaining, want to know a secret? I don't have time to entertain. I am too busy paying for the house. I am. We are a society of must have's and then we do nothing with those things. I drove by a lovely pond today, a picnic table beside it and wondered...do they ever sit there?
Another blow. I get back up and then another one. I can't theologize, strategize, theorize to make sense of any of it. Insurance is screwing us. Just got declined for another attempt at a small business loan. Almost lost a large corporate account. Could this week provide to me any peace and consolation. There are no answers, no cliche statements are going to make this better or help fix my burdened heart. I stated that there were no accidents or illnesses, thank God...and I am truly thankful. Because after these blows, that's all I have. What I didn't receive....
Take your breath away moments. I love them. I watch for them. I savor them. You know the celebration of a new birth. The summer breeze blowing on your face. An unexpected compliment that comes your way. I don't create my life around them, but it is refreshing. I think those moments help sustain you in the mud and muck of life. And if we stop long enough and listen and look...we will find them more often. I'm guilty of running. Too far, too fast. I keep waiting for the world to slow down, then I realize it's me.
Today was a day to go down in the history books. Still fighting insurance woes. I have told off, screamed at, hung up on, became irritated with more people than I can to count. I'm one of those people that can 'dish it out' but then feel guilty when all is said and done. In a nut shell, we took our son to the doctor instead of the ER for a sprained ankle, we now owe a hospital deductible because the doctor had to send us to the hospital for an x-ray. It's such a waste of precious breath.
I was asked to judge a small town beauty pageant. This makes me laugh. I hate pageants, but I said "Yes". I really do believe beauty is from within. I know how hard it is for pre-teen girls to talk in front of people and put their best foot forward. I don't like promoting the "I'm better than you because I'm prettier" campaign. I struggled with self-image as a young person. I don't think there should be rewards for those who appear to have it all together. My goal is to tell each girl she is beautiful, regardless.
My husband's birthday is today. I am sad because I love celebrations, but because our family has chosen a calendar filled with events, we have to side step the birthday celebration. I plan to make banana splits at the end of the day because he is not a huge fan of cakes. The kids are off and running, and won't be home 'til late. I hope that they have the tradition of celebrating BIG in their homes. I have tried, but many circumstances have prevented large, exciting holiday/special day parties. I think life should be about the special moments.
If this weekend doesn't provide some solace for my soul, I may have to run away. It has been a season of one frustration, challenge and irritation after another. My soul craves it. I must have a pause, a rest, a halt to all that complicates my life. I call it God's grace. I hate to admit to a varied reading audience, but I feel as though, it has been void in my life. That makes me sad. I am sure it is a time of growth, but it hurts. I just want simplicity. I want things to go right.
Have you ever felt so over it, you just sit and stare. That is me, today. I sat on our back deck and watched our 21 year old paint a cooler. I felt like I was a pre-school mom watching her make her first finger painting mosaic. I just felt frozen in stress and exhaustion. Pick yourself up, I didn't. I just stared. I know people deal with stress in many different ways. I felt frozen. I didn't want to move, afraid the world would rattle under me and I'd have more problems. It passed. A new day...hope.
Today I didn't want to. I didn't want to do what I had done with such great zeal and zest for the last three years. I didn't want to go to my business. I didn't want to serve people. I didn't want to meet their needs. I didn't want to be bothered. I didn't want to fill demands. I didn't want to be there. I felt void with no passion. I felt like they were blood hungry zombies just waiting to eat my soul. I have a bad attitude and I'm glad to admit it. I'll come back. I hope.
There are no words to describe the injustice my son has experienced playing ball on a high school baseball team with an unfair coach. It's the most difficult thing to watch a child go through. The politically term, is 'bullied'. That is what my son and some others have went through. Discipline a ball team, they get better. But discipline them all the same. Single kids out and you exasperate them. I am so furious about how a grown man can show such disregard for another human being's feelings, a kid. It makes me sick. America's favorite pastime, my ass.
Today Dear Lord, please help me. Please provide some rest and grace to my life. Help me see you in the little things. Allow me to go on and not be irritated by setbacks and frustration. Protect me from those things. I want to set the world on fire with hope and optimism and good things. Please help me accomplish this, through you. I ask that you please guide me in what I say and do, because sometimes I suck when left on my own. You are my HOPE. Please help me Lord, I love you and need you. Amen.
Parenting a teenage son has become my latest challenge. Worrying about his chemistry grade, making sure he obeys his curfew, worrying about his driving (my car), informing him he had too much PDA with his girlfriend, concerned about his anger outburst, wanting to keep honest communication open with him and making sure he eats his breakfast and takes his medicine. Really? I knew parenting would be challenging as my children got older, but I didn't know this...Too many parents give up before they cross the finish line. Assuming since their child can feed themselves, they can discipline themselves, lie.
Looking forward to some 'down' time. I have to work Saturday. I miss holidays being holidays. I feel unattached to the world. I feel like I am not engaged in things that 'normal' people do. I have felt this way for awhile. I'm not sure what it will take for me to feel back in touch with reality. Is it just me. I have blamed my up and down marriage, my career and its demands, my spouses erratic schedule and maybe it is just the peace I need to find within my soul. I keep searching but it eludes me.
I love food, been trying to lose weight, so it suddenly becomes my enemy and I think about it a lot. My thought is...lets go back to the 1940's. No preservatives, little refrigeration, people grew their own food, baked their own bread, gathered their own eggs, drank water from a faucet, drank really black coffee. There weren't sweeteners, MSG's, fast food restaurants on every corner. We do not need more medications, we need to go back to eating like the 'good ol' days'. The FDA is a joke. Food and Drug, putting them together, maybe part of the problem.
TRAGIC. A young girl in our community graduated from high school 30 minutes later, she was in an accident that took her life. I'm sick. Her Aunt went to school with me and had just started to work with me. It touches home. I prayed, I prayed hard. I just knew God would grant a miracle. It didn't happen. That haunts me. I thought she would make it. My own kids pass through my mind. The void, the pain...I can't imagine. There are no words. I could leave this entry blank and it would say more. Blank and void.
Memorial Day. Freedom. I watched 60 Minutes and there were personal stories of soldiers in war. It breaks your heart. I forget. No lying. In everyday life, I dismiss the sacrifices made. A mom who had two sons going to war. That is sacrifice. A soldier who fought gallantly only to discover the men he was rescuing were already dead. My foster daughter was in Kuwait, she hid the real danger from me. Called occasionally, I'd even get so busy I'd forget to pray for her. Ashamed. Our country takes so much for granted. We need to not ever forget.
Hit the floor running and don't look back. I see no end in sight until next Tuesday. Funeral flowers I don't want to do, with a huge corporate order at the end of the week. I want to complain, but today I realize how fragile life is. It's a new day, a new dawn(thanks Michael Buble). People grieving would give anything to go back to 'normal'. I feel no real need to complain or get frantic. I said not long ago I needed to learn to embrace the chaos. Yes, and in that give thanks for it, as well.
Restless is how I'd describe myself. I'm getting plenty of sleep, my brain just won't turn off. I read something yesterday that stated that if you are willing to follow God, you have to turn off your ability to reason. Oh Lord, I am a reason-er. I want to have a reason. In my brain it has to make sense. I guess that also deals with my inability to make quick decisions. I like to have facts. I like to be assured it will all turn out ok. And truth is, in God's universe, nothing is a sure thing.
Asked once if I wanted bread or toast, I said, "Yes." Truth is, that is how I am. I know what I don't like, it takes a little longer for me to determine my likes. I hate open ended questions. I know I like lots of ice in my tea and I like my coffee really hot. My husband finds this a bitchy thing. Sorry, when I do finally realize what I like, I KNOW I like it. I also have a problem expressing what I need. I know, self-exposure at 40(+) that is what I am involved in.
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