read
write
members
about
account

 

datedatememberrandomsearch

01/01 Direct Link

Cue 'Eye of the Tiger'.

Spring from foot to foot, light like, like....like a butterfly, yeah! Gonna deal with this. New challenges. New horizons.

(New ways to screw yourself over. Have fun with that, kiddo)

I am power, I am strength, I am the crème de la crème, the elite. I answer only to me. I face my destiny.

(Yeah - your destiny is you getting floored by a fist called Life)

Bring it on. Bring it on! BRING IT ON!!!

(Cut that crappy music. Put some of that good stuff on. You know. The kind they play in lifts)

01/02 Direct Link
Today I saw a foot lying on the pavement, ground in to flatness by hundreds more of its competing kind. A few more steps, and I found the body to which it belonged.

I saw dogs, snuffling, teeth bared, slavering, cruel, dash into a river. I saw the birds rise up and take wing. I saw men with guns, smiling like the death's head.

I saw a black swan and a white swan, swimming side by side, leaving in their wake nothing but ripples, ripples which slowly separated, lapped the edges of the river like desperately grabbing fingers, and died.
01/03 Direct Link

Don't vote for me.

I'm a hateful, nail-biting, back-stabbing bastard who won't stop until I've ripped you open and torn out your red-blooded, still-beating heart and eaten it. I'm extremely religious, religious to the exclusion of all other faiths, creeds, minorities, opinions, devoid of any feeling whatsoever except tearing down beautiful white domes bit by bit and sticking their leaders' heads on my walls as trophies. I use my money to brainwash you, my face to lie to you, my children to ask you how your day went, win your worthless mark.

Don't vote for me. I'm not going to.

01/04 Direct Link

My skull has broken.
It has fallen from its proper place.
There is a break where there should be smooth.
The marrow inside is draining, the catacombical shapes emerging like ghosts from the sea.
The sockets are empty like empty mortars, vibrating with the sound of rolling, grating stones crushing dust into nothing, living sentiment ground into the abyss.
The whorls of cartilage in the nose crackle and snap.
The teeth, blackened, shake loosely as if trying to escape, rats trapped in a sinking ship.
And on its crown two great horns sit, curved, smooth, grinning sycophancy and evil prophecy.

01/05 Direct Link

Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when I close my eyes Such pretty patterns when

01/06 Direct Link

Was mistaken for an American actor called Darren Criss. Spent the evening explaining that I wasn't, having been introduced to many people by someone so drunk they couldn't even stand straight.

"Hi. Are you single?"
"No, I'm not"
"Oh. Well, I'm B-----"
Names later. Promiscuity first. At least she had the decency to ask.

Wiping vomit from the walls and beer from the floors. Plethera of accents adored by drunkards. This is madness. Absolute fucking madness.

Make thanks, brief hug, leave early. I'd rather face the cold than be exposed to the potential consequences of my own cowardly naivety.

01/07 Direct Link
what the bloody hell were you doing you complacent fucking idiot she was drunk she had no idea what the hell was going on yeah of course she didnt that was just some stupid ploy to get you to stay near her you naive moron shed sprained her ankle however badly i dont care but it seemed the decent thing to do if it was so decent then why did you leave her i was scared you coward you utter fucking coward you never should have been there in the first place i know but they were all so nice
01/08 Direct Link

I am blasted with the images, blasted until the bones of my eyes are left raw and numb. A dead eye. The moon. A tangle of wool and hair.

As we walk out into the cold, I feel your hand close around mine.

“Here I am,
 I'm not here now, no, no, no
And I'll care for you -
Hey, that's all I want to do
Hold me, love me, in your heart

And I'll hold you near
And I'll whisper in your ear
I'll take your hand
And I'll make you understand
Hold me, love me in your heart.”

01/09 Direct Link

I do try to be realistic. I really do. But sometimes imagination, optimism, selfishness, jokes about faecal matter, total and utter despair, manages to take over. 

I'm not sure whether I mind about this being read. Either way, it's a note, a recording in an irreversible chronology of events, not likely to be revisited, not likely to be cared about, to be written and forgotten, the mad scribblings of a hormonal teenager, "Drawn inside a toilet on the wall". The people I write of will remain largely unaffected by my writing. That's a good thing. I think. I think. I

01/10 Direct Link

The Modern Elements/Black Cloud/Bad Days

Ashtray
Botox
Credit
Deficit
Exclusion. Div/ide the p/oor and th/e rich
FanaticismGrowth. Stability. Decline.
Hair loss “overweight, middle class, cocktail party, low IQ”
Inheritance
Joyride {no-one is to be trusted}
Kate Middleton
Love, the only surviving force for good on this planet (that and blues music)
Mining disaster
Neocolonialism
Opium
Production_automation_efficiancy_profit
Query form
Religious dogma (reality television)
Stalemate [shadow of the nuclear cloud]
The Brandt Line
Understanding/lying to our faces
Vexation
Wall St.
Xenophobia “All animals are equal...”
Yearning
Zero hour

*the author in no way advises using these elements in casual conversation. Ever.

01/11 Direct Link

"Even now, now, very now, an old black ram / Is tupping your white ewe"

I will tear my flesh piecemeal before I see you dishonour yourself so. I will take my knife, that dangerous road to the depths of the earth, and I will send my soul along its blade in bloody pilgrimage. I will shed a string of crimson pearls around your neck, and grasp in my two hands that softness I do not deserve, and press, press, press until the darkness in your eyes becomes the celestial light of that peaceful land, and you shall not cry.

01/12 Direct Link

There once was a boy with a lovely piece of paper. The lovely piece of paper meant everything to the boy, so he took good care of it, and held it in his hand.

But the wind came, and blew the lovely piece of paper away, and a silence descended, which crushed the boy like a great black fist.

However, the angels were watching the boy. They made the wind stop, and returned the lovely piece of paper.

The boy carefully folded up the lovely piece of paper, and put it in his pocket, and kept it with him always.

01/13 Direct Link
Texas, Winter 1951. Seeger.

Oh that grizzly grizzly (grizzly bear)
Oh that grizzly grizzly (grizzly bear)
Tell me who was a grizzly (grizzly bear)
Tell me who was a grizzly (grizzly bear)
Jack O' Diamond was a grizzly (grizzly bear)
Jack O' Diamond was a grizzly (grizzly bear)
He had great long tushes like a (grizzly bear)
He had great long tushes like a (grizzly bear)
He made a track in the bottom like a (grizzly bear)
He made a track in the bottom like a (grizzly bear)
Well that grizzly grizzly (grizzly bear)
Well that grizzly grizzly (grizzly bear)
01/14 Direct Link

I can hear a voice in the dark. A voice I can confide in, listen to, want to see, but can't. The voice says it can hear me breathing. Why can't I hear it breathing? Why? The tears form, breaking free from the darkened forest of my eyes and fall with a splash into a great sea. A black haze descends, and the voice begins to fade. All the feelings of understanding lie naked, shivering. It promises. It promises.

Silence. The sound of the sea, swelling,breaking on distant shores, waning, washing up broken tears on beaches far, far away.

01/15 Direct Link

null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null and void null

01/16 Direct Link
now mary/ my mind/ taking it/ lord it's/ snakes aren't/ look closer/ kings and/ girl you/ let's dig/ let's shake/ well every/ i don't/ i'm so/ said the/ there's a/ i built/ in the/ smokestack lightning/ somebody's screaming/ if you/ i can't/ when problems/ no matter/ you let/ i can't/ i'm looking/ when i/ sugar never/ tuesday morning/ you're looking/ i got/ follow you/ i'm going/ will there/ i can't/ well i'm/ if you/ with guilt/ there's a/ i ain't/ the big/ she was/ let me/ i want/ well i/ i run/ conquest she/ lookee here

maybe tomorrow. maybe tomorrow.
01/17 Direct Link

fug fug/ fug downwards fug fug/ downwards downwards downwards/  fug fug fug downwards fug/ fug/ downwards downwards fug downwards/ downwards downwards downwards/  fug fug downwards/ fug downwards downwards fug/ fug downwards fug fug/ fug/ fug downwards/ fug fug fug/ fug/ fug downwards fug fug/ fug/ downwards/ downwards downwards/ fug/ fug fug fug fug/ fug/ fug downwards fug fug/ fug downwards downwards fug/  downwards fug downwards downwards/ downwards downwards downwards/ fug fug downwards

It hurts a lot. I really can't say what I need to. I never will be able to say what I need to.

I am so very sorry.

01/18 Direct Link

Great white plain stretches before me, words falling, useless, unnecessary for the time being, like clothes to the floor, not entirely abandoned, to be picked back up when the invaders come.

Bistry waterfall crashing over me, your head rests on my shoulder, my thoughts dance like a cobweb in the breeze, frail, secretive, always focussed on that one glorious central point.

Heart a roaring hearth within me, a shepherd’s rest for your tired eyes, a burning passion, a conflagruous desire singeing the insides of a sane mask of flesh, flames licking at concave eyeballs, seeking escape, finding none.

One day.

01/19 Direct Link
It's days like these which remind me of how little time there is left. I don't just mean in the sense of my lifetime: wherever, whenever, there always seems to be a desperate sense of urgency, people rushing as if fearful that their own shadows will reach out and throttle them if they so much as pause and look over their shoulder.

That endless symbol of the hourglass taunts, sliding sands whispering slyly as they disappear into nothing. There is space for nothing more than this: my lips brush against yours, then doors slam, bells, whistles, shouts, then black silence.
01/20 Direct Link

The Pantomime

so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly so very sparkly i hope they wont mind being the joke of the village

01/21 Direct Link
I had an awful dream.

It was a field. I'm not sure where it was. They were all there. So were you. With your scarf. I'm not sure quite how it happened. I didn't trip, I just fell onto a spike, piercing my skin and muscle and guts and nerves and membranes and letting forth a torrent of blood. I looked up at you and them through tear-rent eyes, but you were all laughing at me, as I lay there, bleeding and crying, my moans seeping into the ground.

Then I woke up.

Schadenfreude. What can you do? Well, actually...
01/22 Direct Link

Let me tell you what I fear.

(Note to future self: Remember how you were at this age. Just remember. Don't judge.)

Death
Hurting the ones I love
Having my heart broken
Being misunderstood
Hitting the ground
(after all, it's not the falling that hurts)
Never attaining the ability to express myself
Leaving the world a worse place than whence I entered it
Being consumed by fear, guilt and regret so far as not to be able to tell you that I love you, every one of you, beautiful humans

(N.B. to future self: You egotistical little shit)

 

There.

 

 

  

 

(Release)

01/23 Direct Link
It pains me to say that you look beautiful. It's not that you aren't. Because you are. Truly. It's that I can't encompass you as a beauteous physical presence without some ignorance of your mind, you in your purest essence, those incredible thoughts which rotate and dance effortlessly, like spectres trapped in a mirrored ball, refracting images of themselves, shining, sheer wonderment.

Look at me. Regret and guilt, living in the past like two squalid sisters, with barely enough sight between them to notice the present, which shines brightly before them. But they turn away, back into their black cloud.
01/24 Direct Link

theo
neex
cell
entt
hing
abou
twri
ting
inli
neso
ffou
rcha
ract
ersi
stha
tthe
rewi
llbe
exac
tlyt
went
yfiv
elin
esof
text

01/25 Direct Link

I WAS BORN AND WILL DIE WITH A CERTAIN MENTAL DISPOSITION STOP THOUGH PSYCHOLOGISTS WILL ARGUE STRONGLY EITHER SIDE OF NATURE NURTURE DEBATES THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRECONDITIONING THAT IS IRREVERSABLY ENGRAINED WITHIN MY MANY BILLION NEURAL CONNECTIONS STOP I AM A BEING MOTIVATED BY LOVE FEAR REGRET STOP I DO NOT PLAY WORD GAMES I TRY AND TELL YOU WHY I CANNOT ACT OR SPEAK IN A CERTAIN WAY STOP MY MIND IS RULED LIKE A PENDULUM IS RULED BY GRAVITY STOP EXCEPT THAT UNLIKE A PENDULUM MY MIND IS AN OBJECT THAT IS HARDER TO STOP

01/26 Direct Link

In a cage of threads, screaming and screaming and screaming. Why can't there be an end to this thickening, smiling prison? Why can't I just be ignorant? Please make me ignorant, please protect me from those stabbing worries, those dissecting regrets which cut my fingers and tear my flesh when I touch you.

Your words lap into me, over and over, surging like waves until the expanse of my worry lies cool, flattened, calm. The knives and scalpels are washed away into the sea. I lift my bloodied eyes to meet yours. You are all I see. You are perfect.

01/27 Direct Link

In my memory everything that has ever gone majorly wrong in my life (with the exception of type 2 diabetes) has been my own fault.

Today I write to a different audience. I write in retrospective reflection upon a conversation (aha, even in this you were right).

You have nothing to be sorry for. I promise you that. At first I thought you did, but wouldn't anyone with my mindset? What happened changed me. We learn things, we react to them. You are my friend.

(It's all in your head. That's what they told me. It's all in your head.)

01/28 Direct Link

Yesterday I revealed a thought that had lain within me, never dormant, always scratching a little to get out, for years. Well, actually three years, to be precise.

It was a dying person letting out their final breath, the breath of a diver before they hurl themselves into the empty air, the air that surrounds the feeling, the nothing, the everything.

We experience and create conflict within and without ourselves. To be without conflict is not to be human, however much we may strive for calm.

Yet for that moment there was a sense of purest release, the sun shining.

01/29 Direct Link

There is a glass ball, an orb of crystallised, translucent energy. It hangs by a thread, which vibrates, tense with tears and the stress of years, the one link between the present's desires and the past's beliefs. It holds an inner self, that true preservation of an eternally jubilant, youthful feeling which can never be suppressed, no matter how much the body matures, grows, wants.

This is something that I cannot influence. Your past and your present must meet, hold hands, kiss, compromise, confirm.

I haven't the heart to cut your thread. Please don't make me. Please don't make me.

01/30 Direct Link

rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like a wet fish
thats what mondays all about
rolling over and over like 

01/31 Direct Link

A paintbrush, rasping over a silent canvas
An electric sense of perception, instantaneous, instinctive, willing
A clay ball, rolling round and round in the bottom of a mortar
A lasting placidity and peace, percolating every fibre, pervading every nerve, filling every cell with a blank space which radiates a blissful, caressing sense of unawareness
An acorn, passed from finger to finger in nervous communion
A long, slow sigh that curls around my heart and whispers slowly through my ventricles 
The greatest, purest, most joyous happiness I have ever experienced

All of these things I feel when I am with you.