08/01 Direct Link

My name is Jimmy Maplethorp Jr. I live at 55 Thornton Road in Bramalea, Ohio. I have a turtle. His name is Yertle. We live in a house with my Mommy. There is also a cat who is mean.

I am five years old. I am small for my age. Some times my school mates pick on me. I do not really mind much. I run away alot. I can run faster than them.

When I grow up, I am going to take away the man who taked away my father. And then I am going to marry Mommy.
08/02 Direct Link
Since I was standing closest, the best man fell ... slowly ... into my arms. The gun had gone off three times, of that I'm certain. Of course, I'd never held a dying man in my arms before. I'm not Catholic, I'm Presbyterian. Everyone was screaming and shouting. The bride was either in shock, or she wasn't surprised at all: I never thought to ask. It was just a gig to me; I hardly knew anyone there; I was filling in for another pastor who was sick with a migraine headache.

My court allowed me three months off my duties.
08/03 Direct Link
Man, you can make a killing in the catering business. Er, I mean.... Y'know, we make the food, serve it, clean up. And we're all polite and all. But you know, the mark-up is great. I mean, the stuff we make we make in bulk, for, like, two bucks a plate, and then we charge 'em fifty per. No-one ever complains.

The wedding didn't promise to be anything out of the ordinary, just another couple, see? We were goofin' some, you know, kidding as usual. I was out at the truck getting extra glasses when I heard the three shots.
08/04 Direct Link
"[...] O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

"Now it's time for the vows. Everybody stand for the pastor. Let's get this show on the road."
08/05 Direct Link
There was a full length mirror in the small dressing room to the right of the altar, and Bob was looking at himself in it. He saw Jim standing behind him.

Jim said, "So, this is it, right? This is a go for you."

"Yes. It's a go."

"You're getting married. To Betty."


"Betty and Bobby, Bobby and Betty."

"That's right."

"Well, good for you. You've been going steady for a long time."

"Nine years. Since her first day of high school."

"I remember. Well, you've told me about it so many times, I-"

"You feel you were there."
08/06 Direct Link
Jackie was lost in the rolling hills, but she didn't want to tell Jim she was. He'd start shotgun-driving.

He said, "Do you think we're lost?"

She said, "No, I know where I'm going."

"It's your town."

She turned blindly down another laneway. It looked like it led somewhere. The sun was in the right place, unless they'd already passed the church.

He said, "Why aren't you a bridesmaid?"

She said, "I don't know. We moved away. Now we're back."


Jackie was silent for a moment. Then she said, "I'm just wondering if the rumour is true."

"What rumour?"
08/07 Direct Link
There was lots of time to sober up so they stayed up late playing old garage numbers.

They opened up some more beers and lit up a joint.

The guitarist: Are we gonna get paid at the reception? Or, like, later?

The drummer: Geoff said at.

Bass: Who's Geoff?

The brother of the best man.

Best man. Best man. Hey, you know what the best man used to have to do that made him best?


Had to make sure the chick was a virgin.

Fuck off!

It's true! I read it in some book!

Yeah? You can read?

08/08 Direct Link
The bun shop is brightly lit in yellow and orange, just as a bun shop should be. Carnival music was playing. Bobby smiled. So happy. There was a man behind the counter, buffing a bun. Bobby went up to him. The man behind the counter cried, "Good afternoon, sir! Can I interest you in a bun?" "Yes, I do believe you can!" "What's your pleasure, good sir? As you can see, we have many buns available!" "Hmmm! Hmmm, hmmm!" "Take your time, sir!" "Hmmm, hmmm! Hmmm! Well then, how about that Smith & Wesson Model 60 with the three-inch barrel?"
08/09 Direct Link
She's at a bridge, she starts to cross, she is distracted by something in the water, there's someone swimming in the water, it's Jimmy swimming in the water. He shouts, "Here, catch!" and throws a fish to her. She catches it. It has her father's face, just like she thought it would. Jimmy next to her says, "It's from South America. It's a foreign fish, from South America."

In her sleep Betty's murmuring, "Oh, Jim, I want you, to fuck me again, like you did last Thursday...."

Bob hears her, does a bit of calendaring, and thinks. And doesn't sleep.
08/10 Direct Link

"Hello, bride-to-be."

"Hello, groom-to-be."

"What's going on?"

"Not much. Cash books. And you?"

"Stock taking."

"Lovely May, is it not?"

"A lovely May indeed."

"Have you been outside?"

"Not recently. Why?"

"It's quite nice outside."

"Oh, okay."

"Oh, before I forget: I'm going to be in late, don't wait for me before you eat."

"What's up?"

"There's a problem with the arrangements."

"What kind?"

"Oh, just problems, you don't need to know about it. Girl stuff."

"A-ha, ha."



"Bob, c'mon!"

"I know what you girls do before you get married. I've seen it on the internet."
08/11 Direct Link
Okay I know I know I'm really drunk, but that doesn’t change anything because theyres soimethingn I want to ask you about, it was all about five year sago I was talking to Jackie, and she said to me something extraordinarym, she siasd that you only picked Bob because he had a car. Is thattrue? Was it just becuase of that? Just beciuase I dod nt have a car you deicded not to go out with me instead? Now you're getitng married and that's it, you marrying overa mothetr fucking CAR!!! Gotaa piss, I'll write again in a couple minutes.
08/12 Direct Link
She said, "Okay, let's get married. I love you, too."

She moved close and put her hands on him. Bobby was a nice guy, nice and sober. Not like the men she'd had at college. It always ended too soon for her. They'd mess up the bathroom.... Besides, Bobby was industrious, hard-working, a good egg. Emotions were just chemicals bouncing around the brain. All of them, all those emotions, I'll learn.

This would be greatly to my evolutionary advantage. I mean, how long can it really last? Five-ten years tops? Finish my education....

She whispered, "Let's go to your bed."
08/13 Direct Link
Betty came home one weekend from college and Bobby was horny as fuck. He thought he'd go insane! He'd stayed true to Betty, not for not trying: rather, his town was full of drycunts exclusively, shit. But Betty:

When she showed, he was ready. "Wait, wait," she whispered. "We've been apart so long I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Let's talk."

Bitch! "Okay, so talk."

"I want to tell you about college."

"Goddammit, Betty, I'm going crazy! I love you too much!"


"I want to marry you! I want to marry you as soon as possible!"
08/14 Direct Link
(A classroom. Several students, including BETTY. BOB and JIM enter, clowning. Business. Bell rings. JIM points to BETTY and whispers something to BOB. BOB sits at the desk right of BETTY, and JIM sits on her left.)
BOB (to JIM): Hey, is this a new girl?
JIM: Ah, quitcher kiddin!
BOB: No, Jimmy Jones, I do believe I have never seen her before. (to BETTY) Are you new here?
BETTY: Yes, I'm new here.
BOB: Where you from? I have a car.

(The bell rings. BETTY and BOB leave arm-in-arm. All except for JIM leave. The lights slowly go out.)
08/15 Direct Link
Hi! My name is Jimmy Maplethorp! I like swimming in the river and I like fishing there to. There is a teacher I like, but I cannot say her name. School is hard. Im in the 1 grade. I live in a small house but it seems big to me. I like playing with the other boys even though they teaze me some times. I like the girls more. I have a gun that shoots bubbles. One day, when I grow up, Im going to kill the man who killed my daddy. Then Im going to marry Mommy.

08/16 Direct Link

We were the last two to leave the bus. Then to the liquor store for wine and scotch. Then to the supermarket for myriad things. Then to the Bala Bay Inn for a repast. Then to our Bala Hy cottage. Then to the beer store. Then to the hickory wood, then to the ribs, then to the barbecue.

Then to the water. Mary doesn't like the blackness of the waters. Me, I leapt right in. Perfect, suspended, surrounded by water, smothered (or smotherable) with water, underneath- -all that life! and me, quiet, gasping, snotty, wet- -I leapt right in.
08/17 Direct Link

He's a professional, he's out cutting the grounds. He's got a riding mower, a push mower, a gas-powered weed-whacker. He looks across the expanse of his charge, sees something not right goes to it, cuts it down.

I, I am a tenant here. He, he is paid to weed-whack.

Soon, I'll jump in the lake. It's called Long Lake, and Mary asked, what is a lake? and I said, it's a hole in the ground where the water goes.

Time passes most quickly when you're not looking. The groundskeeper has looked, judged, seen weeds, and mowed them down.
08/18 Direct Link

The waves look like staves.

I want a lot of storm. I want it crashing, thundering, I want a violentstorm. Did you see that thing on YouTube last week? Electricity, branching out, looking for an anode... I want to see that here, Blast and Burning and Chorus and Chunk.

I'm going to get burned sitting here, always I should jump in, but I'm drunk, I'm stoned, I might not live, I might not be able to make the final entry....

[Typing up later: I notice this was exactly twenty words short. I was so drunk I missed precisely a score.]
08/19 Direct Link

Here's a boathouse, and I'm sitting in a plastic Adirondack chair on top of it. There's a freight train passing on the other side of the lake. Above the freight train is the moon, fat in the sky. The train keeps coming, coming. Often over a hundred cars at a time. It's just-

Sorry, my pencil broke, I had to use a knife to sharpen it, I hope you can still read this.

It's just after nine AM. There's a motor-boat out there now. They're near a wall of granite. I expect they're doing some fishing; looks like it.
08/20 Direct Link

Months ago she said, "You have style."

I said, "I have style?"

She said, "Yes, you have style."

Friends, friends, friends: I just don't know what that means. Is it my diction, my syntax, my avoidance of hendiadys and zuegma? Ah yes: Roy told me he made one entry "in imitation" of me. I read it, but I couldn't see where he was imitating me. Whatever my 'style' is, it's to me like water to a fish. Yes, there's the needed cliché- -my style is like water to a fish. Here's the fish, and here's the water. Fish. Water.
08/21 Direct Link

You're not to believe this.

Fifteen minutes ago, as I was sitting here atop the boathouse, up came the nanny from the cottage next door. She introduced herself as Kate and said she'd been "watching me." "I've been watching you all week." She knelt down in front of me. Her two hands slipped up the legs of my shorts to casually fondle my most ennervated parts. Somehow she managed to get said parts out. She slipped the larger part into her mouth.

Then Mary came up the steps and said, "John, what are you doing? Daydreaming. Daydreaming as usual."
08/22 Direct Link


On our last evening, after the four of us had eaten, a couple I'd met earlier dropped by. They wondered if we could all have a fire in the pit. I added there'd be fireworks. So, the couple came down, and they brought with them three more girls. We blew off the 'works. It was pitch black. Two of ours bailed. Then the five said they wanted to go nightswimming. And they wanted me to come with them. "There's four girls and one guy!" I did a different math. Three available women. And a rocky cliff. Danger. Sirens.
08/23 Direct Link

And now it's all over. All over! What were the highlights of interest?

I was blown out of a canoe. The wind was fierce, and I was paddling furiously, and I flipped right out of the canoe.

I got invited to go skinnydipping from strangers. Boy, I'm going to be milking that phantasy for years to come!

I learned how to cook hickory-smoked ribs. Goddamn, they were tasty!

Every morning I saw a fat moon over the waters.

I met the newest Farlie clanmember. Quinn Farlie is his name. Two days old.

Quinn, I dedicate this all to you.
08/24 Direct Link

So I said to him, imagine if, from their offices, one hundred and twenty men left, at two-minute intervals, travelled by whatever means they like to travel home, and arrived home in the reverse order of their departures from their offices, once again at two-minute intervals?

He said, Wow. That would be totally freaky, I guess.

That's when I stuck in the blade. Well, I just want you to know that statistically it happens in every city with a working population in excess of a hundred thousand.

He said, You bastard!

08/25 Direct Link
Mrs. Zimmerman asked to stay behind after class. What had I done wrong?

"John," she said, "I have to talk to you about your iPod project."

"Yes, ma'am?"

She took off her glasses. "I don't know what to say. You were supposed to express yourself through song choices. But yours is entirely plagiarized. You chose your songs using the Allmusic Guide, Q Magazine, the RS top 500, and Dave Marsh."

"Yes. I admit it."

"Oh, John. You're so creative usually. I have to give you a D."

Man, the cruellest milieu for a dream is 5th grade, don't you agree?
08/26 Direct Link
JOE: I'm sorry, folks. I'm somewhat at a loss here. Give me a moment.

She came into my life when I was just five. We were "playmates," that's what everyone said. But it went far deeper than that. I loved her; but I never told her; and that regret I carry away from the funeral and have in my heart forever.

Could I see in her eyes that she wanted something more? She I have moved our relationship past being "just friends?" I hope I'm not embarrassing anyone here. I just want you to know how I regret...

Goodbye, Lassie.
08/27 Direct Link
Rael is the god of temporal durance. S/he assaturates the distance between situational A and situational B, i.e., s/he in the interstice between cause and effect sutures the two and holds in abeyance the interspace. Rael is the patron of drummers and other rhythmatists who are by Rael required to strike behind the beat (accordancing the rhythmatist) and on the beat (accordancing the auditoriors). Rael is a rail, i.e., of infinite height and infinitessimal width. S/he assutures time as another assutures space through temperulers etc. Rules the signs of Saturn and Mercury. Colours are green and pink. Sole gem: amethyst.
08/28 Direct Link
Are you worshipping THE ORB?

Are you properly worshipping THE ORB?

Are you properly worshipping THE ORB?

Are you properly worshipping THE ORB?

All good people worship THE ORB.

All good newspapers worship THE ORB.

All good television stations worship THE ORB.

All good radio stations worship THE ORB.

Wicked people, wicked newspapers, wicked television stations, wicked radio stations worship the cube.

All good people and media worship THE ORB.

They worship THE ORB.

THE ORB is everywhere and everywhere.

THE ORB feels your pains.

THE ORB shall never die.

THE ORB loves you.

Are you properly worshipping THE ORB?
08/29 Direct Link


Oh my God o my God o my gawd I'm sorry so sorry sorry it was just just I I just couldn't hold back anymore I was trying hard not to I was trying to think about baseball but as you can tell it just didn't work I'm sorry I can't believe it this 's never happened to me before I swear it's never and I swear it's never going to happen again it's just just you're so beautiful and I can't believe my luck being joined to you should I go should I go now?
08/30 Direct Link

Oh baby.

Oh baby, o baby, no.

Don't be afraid, you make me breathe, you make me love.

I felt it all, and it felt wonderful.

It was like we shared it; what was yours was mine. We shared it.

How could you not know that? Mr. know-it-all....

Look: I know you can see what I can see. We see us, you and me, us and no one else.

I can still feel you there, and smell you there, you're delicious.

You have nothing to fear ever.

I'll always be with you.

I'll always be with you.
08/31 Direct Link
There's no party going on on Saturday night, but I think I'll go anyway.

Thursday night I had a dream about vampires. When I woke up, I discovered I had been 'dared to dream' the night before. It's a miracle!

He said: "Ran into a building the other day. I said, "Building..."'

Graduate school is nothing more than a full-time job you have to pay to have.


RELICS FOR SALE: Authentic videotapes of THE SPEECH. Guaranteed to heal the sick and the lame.

Literature against literature and art against art.