REPORT A PROBLEM
My last remaining grandparent died two days ago. I missed getting to the hospital by 10 minuets. I think I'm sectrety glad I didn't make it on time, I don't think I would have like to see him die. My sister was with him along with aunt. Both of them have told me their own story of his final afternoon of life. I realise now that he's gone I knew little about him, I'm not sure there was that much to know. I know that he missed my nanna, she's been passed over 12 years. I'm glad there together again.
A winter walk along the beach was, at the time when snug and warm in bed not very appealing but the sun was shining quite well for a Januray Bank holiday. The effort was made, showers were taken, warm clothes donned, a thermos of tea and left over mince pies packed.
The receding tide made its aprecation known, the dragging of shingle, applause like, worthy of the effort made to get there.
The walk, mostly made in silence,each with their own hidden thoughts. Sometimes there was a brief coming together a kiss, a few words, a smile.
It's 5am in the morning. Its still dark, I should be asleep and dreaming of all those unresolved unthought about moments in my life that in the waking don't get even a seconds recognition. That is until my dreaming state arrives and unravels those moments, lays them bare for me, and if I choose, to examin in more detail. Today I'm not going to have that luxury, they'll have to stay tangled unresolved a mess in my mind for another day, maybe forever. It's windy and the rain is driving on the windows. Sleep and dreaming for me are gone.
I know that this will be hard to read. It's hard to write.
I have to leave, have to go away. Please don't think that this is a faze or a whim. It's not. I've been thinking about going for a long time and the time is right for me to go now.
I know you'll be alright, Karen across the road has a soft spot for you. I've left my key in the pot by the front door and there's a pie in the oven for your tea. Please remember to feed the dog.
I have been for the past hour. I've got my coat on ready to go. He should have arrived at four. My bag has been packed for two days. I keep looking out the window at every car I hear go past. Nope, not him. I sit back on the stair.
Twenty years later, I'm still doing the same thing. Waiting for nothing to arrive. I kid myself that I'm resilient to it now. I'm not. I'm not even very good at kidding my self. I cry. I blow my nose and take off my coat.
An argument that goes on and on will eventually drive you crazy! Really mad crazy. Does the word duel have a point? Same old same over and over until one of the participants says STOP, sometimes to the utter amazement of the other.
The other is confused by the sudden stopping and will attempt to carry on. The stopper needs to be firm and repeat that enough is enough. This can lead to the other withdrawing and sometimes sulking. While sulking is no better that arguing at least it gives you space to think and review what has been said.
I've lost love. I didn't realise it wasnt there until I'd noticed it was gone. I've looked everywhere in my bags in the car around the house. Nothing but the chain it was hanging from remains. I'd aquired it to remind me that there was indeed plenty of love to go around (but needing a reminder as sometimes long periods would pass with out me noticing any at all). Now I know it's missing I miss it more. Do I replace it or wait for the lost to be found? I'll wait, I'm confident that's it's returns will be imminent.
During the journey the weather was rather schizophrenic. Rain snow hail and sunshine all in the distance of seventeen miles. Snow, the first of the season. It didn't stay long just a reminder that it was indeed winter. The sun shone I needed to don my sunglasses. I rooted around the car for them, it's been some time. Its raining and grey I remind myself that the sun is still there (just shy), as it should, just above those dark miserable clouds. The sky is always blue, the sun always shines, remember that. It might come in handy one day!
This is just a quick one, I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. No time to think just get it down in one go. Let it flow, it will if you allow it. Sometimes it's better that way, the first thing that comes into your head. Sometimes it misses the head and flows out the fingers, where do those nuggets come from? Stop! No questioning, that requires thinking, just get on with it, get it done before sleep takes over. Wonderful sleep, tonight I can't wait for that delirious state. I Hope it comes quick. Sweet dreams.
It's a good book, or so I was told. Not one I had never heard off. Its not the type I would ever choose to read. If some one gave me a copy it would more than likely sit on the shelf,along with the mass of others, some read most not. It would perhaps sit there for years. Unloved never opened. Some holiday time before dashing to the airport it may get snatched from its sitting place. A little puff of dust in its wake. More than likely end up down the charity shop for someone else to enjoy.
Barlows funeral parlor. He's been there coming up for two weeks. Only today have I convinced myself to go visit. I dont think he minded. He didnt say if he did! The rest of the family having already said their goodbyes ment I had to go alone. He looked smart. My mother had dressed him in his best suit, shirt and tie (black, after all, he is going to a funeral!). He looked nothing like my grandad, he could have been anyone's. His flat cap was missing. Overlooked by everyone but me. I hope they remember to bring it tomorrow.
My car has been full of stuff for months, all sorts of everything. Empty water bottles, apple cores, pens, plastice bags, pieces of paper, books, coats, jumpers things easily abandoned. The boot is also full, my weekly shopping has had to sit beside me on the journey home.
That is until today.
Today I was able to look with different eyes and be appalled. Rubbish disposed of, the boot mostly empted. It didn't stop there. Emails, text messages, details of people that I will never contact, were all discarded from my phone,from my life. It felt.....good, releasing, unburdening.
I've been working with a young woman for the past few weeks. Today was our last session. I wanted to give feedback how I have experienced her over that period of time. How I had seen her grapple with herself, with the world as she experiences it.
I shared that I'd seen her grow, she at times had been the educator and I the learner. I have felt privileged that she had sliced open her life and let me look inside. No! More that look, delve. She began to cry stating she had never had that affect on anyone before.
Tonight we have been talking about the illegal tagging of humans! At first I was horrified! Then I thought about it a little more. I have two sons, seventeen and twelve. I spend so much time worrying about where they are. Not so much the twelve year old, I pick him up and drop him off most places. The seventeen year old, now he's a different matter, any questions I ask about where he's going or who he's going with are met with a stoney silence. If he'd been tagged at birth at least I'd only have half the worry!
There are cracks all over the walls. Hidden until now by years of wallpaper and emulsion paint. Uncovered and exposed by me. Fed up with living with May's choice of paper and nothing else to fill the day, off it all came.
The room is exposed, naked, empty.
Like most I'll just recover the walls and paper over the cracks and forget that they were ever there. Life, like the walls have cracks in them. I fill mine in with food, drink and meaningless conversation. From time to time I sometimes peel back the covering, contemplate, analyse and then recover.
To do list:
Clean the fridge (I think something has gone mouldy down the back somewhere!)
Write a letter (such a lost art)
Get all paperwork in order (that may take some time!)
Get rid of clothes that donít fit (perhaps not, there would be nothing left in the wardrobe)
Go on diet (but I like delicious food too much)
Walk dog more often (dog would like that)
Take books back to the library (not sure if I can pay the fines!)
Finish off jobs around the house that have been started (where would I begin!!)
I'll Start tomorrow!
Stump up your cash, now!
If you dont I'll kill you.
A display of angry looks from him, a mask to cloud all his hurts.
I stood my ground ultra calm, too calm.
My body cold as corpus,still,damp.
A fib, soft on my lips, I don't carry any.
Shuffling from foot to foot.
His shirt dirty from food.
A crucifix hanging from a chain.
Small facts I spy about him.
Instinct took hold I ran.
I ran for the joy of living.
It's running with scissors, do it without thinking.
Scornful insults follow.
Don't look back.
The house is set back from the road. A large green lawn separates house from road. The grass is cut but isn't really well kept. The driveway is swept when needed in the autumn months during and after the large oaks trees in the garden opposite have shed their summer coats. It's a house a child would draw. A front door in the middle two windows either side and three up top. Large planters sit each side of the door, pretty and well watered in the summer. Three people live in the house and a dog who barks at strangers.
Open curtains. Front room stage, a woman standing. Her arms flailing about over her head. Gesturing with her hands, pointing, pulling at her own hair. Pacing, stomping about the room. Leg thrashing out at something to low down to see. Shouting dulled by double glazing to the outside audience of one standing out in the rain. Captivated by the unknown drama being played out inside. Her face contorted, ugly.
Eyes turn to the receiver of her storm. A man,sitting, his eyes fixed anywhere but on her. Blank expression in contrast to her ever changing one. He covers his face.
The plan was that they would be there by 5. Carol didn't sleep very well, worried that she wouldnt be woken when they arrived. She dressed quickly from the pile of cold clothes dropped lazily on the floor the evening before.
They were waiting at the end of the drive. Engine still running. The couple were laughing at her so they said. She didn't ask why. The journey to the airport (fifteen minutes at this time of day) was filled with small talk. The couple ejected at their destination. Carol drove the unfamiliar car home and got back into bed.
She was at the time attending a now unremembered gig where she had danced and sung along with the excited crowd. An event where one can loose ones self and dance into a sweaty mess and not be bothered, nobody to impress, loving the unidentfidness of being the crowd, pure self indulging joy.
A stranger approached her at the end of the gig, the masses dispersing she, looking for her friends. Stunned by his approch, his request, his action. Unaware she had been watched all evening. The kiss was sudden and unexpected. He looked into her eyes, smiled and left.
Alan Bundy - Local Police Officer
Bill Collier - Gardener
Chris Davis - Joker
Diane Eilbol - Gambler
Eileen Fenchurch - Gossiper
Felix Gallacher - Generous Millionaire
Gary Hunt - Back stabber
Harriet Ingham - Art Collector
Ida Jones - Cook
Jean Kennedy - Shopkeeper
Kevin lowmass - Greedy
Lexi Middleton - Young Widdow
Mikkie Nobel - Girl next door
Norma Oneil - Dog Lover
Oscar Powers - Ladies Man
Paul Quinn - Madly in love with Mikkie
Queenie Roberts - Girly Girl
Rebekah Smith - Plays Hard
Simon Taylor - Oscar's Enemy
Tim Uxbridge - Recluse
Ulric Verity - Local Doctor
Vinca Williams - Blond Bimbo
Wilma Xin - Alcoholic
Xander Yasir - Ex TV Presenter
Yasmin Zain - Felix's Sister
Zachary Abbotts - Workaholic
The company he'd been employed with for some time was swallowed whole by a giant corporation, they burped him out, they had their own more primed and dedicated staff. Shocked and dazed by his sudden departure he wandered around aimlessly for a litlle while.
Then reality took hold, took hold of him tight, and gently shook him, whispered something private into his ear. A Phoenix rose from those ashes, gained control of the situation once again. Bending and squeezing himself into possible roles all to no avail, until now. Tomorrow is the final hurdle he's practised he's preened, he's ready!
Through the wine the wonder of the world fully unfolds.
Sharing, with the drinker the story of its own creation.
†The experience begins with weight of the green bottle.†
Smooth pull of the cork, the satisfying sound of the freed stopper.
†A beautiful glass..
The aroma, sweet and inviting †
Content poured in the glass, half full.
† Swilling gently around, careful not to spill.†
†Another smell, different now.
Pause for a moment.
The first taste, the blackberry hinted liquid effortlessly passes lips, then another. †
Sit back, admire the glass in hand, rich fruity redness.
We've just got back home after watching a play. †I wanted to leave after the first act, then again at the interval. †Unfortuatly we had pre ordered our half time refreshments so we stayed in the hope that the second half would be better. Sadly it wasn't. †Still the players worked hard with passion and commitment. And for that we gave them credit with a hearty applause at the glorious end. Off to another on Saturday, were so lucky to be surrounded by lots of small theatres, †like most things it's famine or feast and this month were stuffing ourselves.†
Fish Goldfish swimming around and around what comes next I don't know, well I hope thats what the fish thinks, I really do, I hope he has a three second memory because swimming around the same space day after day must be so boring. Same food same faces peering in, everything the same. Kettles whistling I'll have to get up and turn the gas off before it steams the whole kitchen up. Steam or mist? Or a combination of both? Who knows who cares? Nothing......nothing not anything at all. Blank, nothing... Oh well, I'll make a pot of tea.
He rang, the forth time in the space of 15 minuets, irritatition and I nearly dont answer the phone, I was in the bath after all! You'd better get the champagne on ice, good news at last the excitement in his voice is tangible, I join him. The phone call ended and I'm back to the peace of the bath except its not. My mind is thinking about his good news and his renewed belief in himself. I know this evening will be an interesting one. The supper already made the candles already lit. Just the champagne glasses to clean!
A lovely Saturday. My week is so busy with doing stuff that needs to be done that I never really get time to do nothing. Doing nothing is such a luxurious thing. When I say do nothing, I did the things that needed to be done first thing this morning, weekly shopping, washing, cooking lunch... And the rest of the day was my own. I went back to bed, not to sleep but a place to think without distractions, even my thinking had a nothingness about it. It will probably be another month before I get to do nothing again.
Good Habits Bad Habits
Why is it that bad habits are the easiest ones to keep? What is it about the brain that allows you the daily habit of eating chocolate but not taking vitamins? My cupboard is full of out of date vitamin packs which were bought with good intention but not followed through. I could give you other examples dear reader but the list is long! I do understand really. Its about instant pleasure, you just donít get that with taking vitamins. Is that really the sum of me? Instant pleasure or donít bother.
I can see the end from here. Not far to go now. Just put your head down and dig in. Dig in it won't take long. Just think about the end place,think of the feeling ,that will help you along a few more steps. Steady and slow, steady and slow, don't rush or youll spoil the journey. Remember its not the destination its the ride that takes you there. Take your time, notice all that you can, notice the things you normally miss. Such joy in those small tiny but essential details. The end destination is another beginning. Enjoy!
The queen stands, hands on hips surveying her kingdom. Satisfaction, a regular visitor to her lips. You! She bellows, what's this piece of shit you have given me, waving a limp page torn from an exercise book. Off with his head. Her minions scuttle around doing her bidding. She gathers her subjects round her to bark her daily sermon. The rules and orders role off her tongue, they spew from her tight mean mouth, I know best, do what I say don't think for yourself I can do that for you. A murmuring from the crowd.
Off with her head!
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