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UPM Let it Go.
That was our team name for CSB IVs.
Rj, Candace, Me.
Our team was formulated over a matter of 5 minutes.
I have on exam on Monday.
Before this, I told myself I'm not gonna compete because I have to put acads first.
I know it's stupid and selfish for me to join tournaments when I haven't studied yet.
But I also know how missing opportunities and regretting the fact that I LET this opportunity GO (team name hahaha!) will always haunt me.
So on this day, I choose to do that which I love.
For the first time in forever, I broke in a tournament.
IMDC and MINT have caused me so much heartaches because last year, in both tournaments, I was a semifinals contender, but this year I did not even break.
So it was really a relief for me that I broke in CSB IVs. (Well, I had the greatest teammates!)
We competed in Octofinals but was eliminated.
But it wasn't really the point. The point was I learned a lot from my teammates. I learned a lot from this tournament.
And I promise I will put this knowledge into good use.
Maybe it was my hormones. Maybe it was the world. Maybe it was both.
It was one of those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You feel as if the whole world exists for the sole reason of irritating you, and you can't do anything about it.
But people notice, so they ask you "Are you okay?"
But even you yourself couldn't answer the question. So you tell hem the default, "Yes. I'm fine."
Because how are you gonna tell them that you're completely not in control of your feelings?
You simply hate everything.
It's my sister Maryse's birthday.
I know I'm not supposed to have favorites, but she is my favorite sister anyway.
I think among the 7 of us, she's everyone's favorite sibling. She's the 4th one. So she's the middle child.
She's an introvert, but that only means she's willing to listen to all my rants.
She knows who my crushes are even if we live away from each other now.
She's lets me bully her (affectionately!)
She texts me corny jokes from time to time.
I know I haven't been a good sibling because I'm always busy.
Happy Birthday, Min!
"Para kang author magsulat"
A compliment thrown offhandedly, but meant a lot to me.
Someday, I'm gonna be brave enough to publish my thoughts.
Even if it means the possibility of scrutiny.
Someday, I'm gonna write something that will affect the lives of those who read it.
Like Dan Gutman, Jerry Spinelli, and all the other authors who have touched my life, I will also touch theirs.
From mind to paper, through ink.
Because the things we choose to do, should be things that aren't selfish.
There must be something within all of us that others can partake in.
Do you know people who consistently, without fail, always, brighten up your day?
These are individuals who, no matter how hard you try to be angry, will always make you feel calm and sane.
If yes, CONGRATULATIONS. You have found your Sunflower People. :)
Not everyone in this world is lucky enough to find friends like these.
A lot of times, the universe conspires to make us feel vulnerable, sad, powerless, but as long as you have these people, you know you have ever reason to go on.
So here I am, thanking the universe for their wonderful existence :)
Today I gave away the link to this secret hideout.
When I first started writing here, I never really thought someone who knows me will be able to read this.
But consistent with Rule Number One (Never Trust Thyself), I have broken my vow of secrecy.
BUT NEVER WILL I REGRET IT.
Because the person I am sharing this secret with is someone I can trust.
I often hate it when people get to read things that I wrote, but there is always an exception to every rule.
Thank you for proving to me that I'm capable of trust. :)
WE DEBATE BECAUSE IDEAS ARE IN CHAOS,
and it is through debate that we present them in an organized manner.
Why study Med?
No one knows this but me:
I do the things that scare me the most. I'm scared of public speaking, I'm scared of blood and pain and suffering, I'm scared of being scrutinized.
That's why everyday is a constant challenge of facing that which I fear.
It doesn't eliminate the entire idea that I'm scared of these things, but what it does is it proves that I'm capable of facing my fears.
It's been so long since I last had a day that everything went right.
Thank You for today.
Thank You for letting me know that I deserve to be happy.
Thank You for trusting me enough to give me all these responsibilities.
Lately, I always think that something's gonna go wrong, so I train myself to be hardened and invulnerable when it comes to these kinds of things.
But today was different. I am just so happy because the world was rotating in just about the right way.
I know I must be able to treasure days like this one.
Today I had a mini-adventure with Colleen.
We rode the LRT to Cartimar.
The LRT is proof of how much I hate people (strangers anyway) and physical contact with them. I am too sensitive with touch. That's why if I'm willing to take the LRT for anyone, then they have to consider themselves special.
We went to Legarda afterwards, got lost while trying to find Redman Toys. Got annoyed by tricycle drivers. Drank Jungle Juice.
Then we went to Bambang to buy lab materials.
Ended the day with STS, cookie butter sandwich, and a whole lot of Good Vibes!
People who think that they know me will be shocked when they learn that I don't believe in romantic love.
I know it exists, but I also do know that it's not for everyone.
A thought has been bothering me all day long.
It's a test I designed for myself. It's simple. And elegant.
If you stay away and he doesn't follow, it's not love.
And up until now, no one has passed that test.
I don't think anyone ever will.
If you're reading this, try it.
I doubt you would because you know deep inside
that he wouldn't follow.
Which things make you happy?
Which things make you pause and be thankful for each moment?
For me, it's pausing and gazing at the starts
marveling at their beauty
pausing to smell the scent of fresh flowers
saying hi to random children
writing poems on table napkins
taking in the scent of my coffee
oatmeal cookies and cold milk
solitary walks as I reflect
eating soggy fries
getting a classic reference
solving crossword puzzles
listening to the Beatles
sometimes I wish I could stick to my comfort zone
and be happy and never ever feel sad
but you know,
the most dangerous place is ACTUALLY YOUR COMFORT ZONE :)
Happy Birthday Ma!
Thank you for being there every time.
Thank you for being there when I'm happy.
Or when I'm sad.
When I'm in doubt.
Or when I'm too sure.
Thank you for teaching me my values.
Thank you for being such a great example.
Thank you for being someone I look up to.
Someday, I'm going to be a teacher like you.
And I'll be as awesome.
I'm sorry if I'm hardheaded and naughty.
I'm sorry if I don't really listen.
I'm sorry of I give you headaches.
I love you.
Happy, happy birthday, Ma.
Rule Number One:
Never Trust Maryan.
*** A SECRET ***
My greatest fear is that people will realize how annoying and undeserving I am after they get to know the real me.
So I tell them to never trust me - giving them the chance to turn their backs at the earliest possible time.
That's why it always amazes me how my friends have not yet come to their senses and still choose to stay friends with me despite who I am.
Today, Sam broke Rule Number One by giving me a simple character combination.
Somehow, I'm thankful that she did. :)
Beware the Ides of March.
I'm no Julius Caesar but I plan to come, see, and conquer.
Veni. Vidi. Vici.
I just love making literary references! I often admire authors who make subtle references, and I like it when I get them. It only means that i'm well-versed with literature.
I also like it when people get the references I use in the things that I write because it means that they have probably read the same books that I did.
I often judge people based on their musical and literary preferences, but, I'm always willing to make exceptions :))
TODAY I DID SOMETHING CRAZY.
Even if it is our last Bio Lab DepEx tomorrow, I still attended the intensive training with ATe Dani, and the Tryouts Round in the afternoon.
All for debate. I didn't even go to Mass today.
I know I shouldn't focus on one aspect of my life only, I won't promise that this will be the last, but next time, I'll try to balance my time better so I can prioritize what needs to be prioritized.
I hope all these sacrifices will eventually pay off when I reach my goals in both PIDC and UADC.
It's one of those days where the stars simply align.
1.) midnight, TC agrees with you even when in the beginning, you were the only one pushing for that idea. #RjTeamA
2.) you feel energized so you have time to study
3.) free breakfast #NationalBreakfastDay
4.) Cheenee is going to visit me here all the way from Australia soon! :))
5.) Found the last Bio Lab DepEx relatively easy
6.) Got elected as MTR
even if i ran all the way from Wendy's to Lab or from UPM to OUR, I still think that this has to be one of the most awesome days IN FOREVER. :)
And the emotional tirade begins.
Because in the real world, you're supposed to be the one who always smiles and laughs.
It was a job you assigned yourself - the eternal clown.
You cannot fail at it. That's the reason why clowns wear heavy make-up and thick lipstick - no matter how they feel inside, they always have to be happy outside.
Sometimes you feel tired of all these.
You just wanna stop pretending to be happy when you're really not.
But you can't be that selfish.
You were never meant to be selfish.
But sometimes you wish you were.
Not everyone finds that which they love.
So if you find something that's worth your time, effort, tears, sacrifices, heartbreak, heartache, then seize it. Never ever let it go.
Sometimes, it's just too easy to say, "This isn't worth the pain"
But what is?
What perfect, foolproof standard do we use to determine whether something is worth the pain?
The truth is, standards like these are arbitrary.
But it's always easier to choose the escape route because we weren't made to endure pain.
But when you're willing to take the pain, that's when you know it's worth it.
When was the last time I cried my heart out?
I can't really remember.
Sometimes I think there are times when I'm SUPPOSED to cry but even when I force the tears to come out, they're not there.
Maybe it's the product of years and years of conditioning myself to never ever shed a tear.
I used to think of it as a sign of weakness.
As if tears were distress calls telling others, "I'M WEAK, I'M IN DIRE NEED"
But you know, what Bob Ong said might be true all along
Kailangan mo ng lakas para aminin na mahina ka.
I knew you were trouble when you walked in~
Two things I hate the most in this world
To be stupid is selfish; to be selfish is stupid.
I think most of the problems of the world will be solved if people only knew how to use their brains and how not to always think about themselves.
That's why I hate people who feel so important - they expect you to put your life on hold when they call you in the middle of the night. That's just plain selfish.
And yet, we do put life on hold.
If the world didn't put so much emphasis on money, and career, and success, I would probably end up as a card-maker.
I can almost picture myself working for Hallmark, coming up with clever and witty messages that'll save the lives of people who like to buy stuff at the last minute.
I'm sure it'd be fun.
I really appreciate how brilliant those people are.
They come up with just about every idea for all types of occasion.
Sometimes, I find myself buying a Hallmark card because the message feels as if I was the one who wrote it. :)
I'm gonna write a letter to you today.
I'm going to tell you what, when, where, why.
I'm going to tell you what happened.
I'm going to tell you when it started.
I'm going to tell you where it went wrong.
I'm going to tell you why I'm writing now.
I'm going to tell you what it felt the first time I saw you.
I'm going to tell you when I decided I liked you.
I'm going to tell you where to find me.
I'm gonna tell you why I still love you.
But I'm not going to send it.
It's been such a long time since I last played chess.
Today, I paused for a while and watched two old men enjoy their pastime.
For a time, it made me wonder why I'm not playing this game anymore.
I used to think it was the best game in the world.
I liked the idea of creating strategies, knowing the value of sacrifices, knowing your next move.
Chess has always been about losing the battle, but winning the war.
It's about being in control and thinking really hard.
I wonder why I allowed myself to be in a stalemate.
I have a theory.
People who enter into relationships always feel the need to have another one after they break up with their ex's.
Simply put, once you've had a relationship, you're most likely to end up with another one within a short period of time.
My question is,
WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO ENTER RELATIONSHIPS TO BEGIN WITH?
Honestly, I really don't know if there's ever the right answer for this query.
I'm not being bitter about life. I'm just curious.
I wanna know why people are stupid enough to allow themselves to get hurt. Over and over.
It's always that same feeling you get whenever you pack your suitcase.
It's always a constant challenge, to have enough patience to organize your stuff.
But it's not just that. It's also about the dreaded "temporary goodbyes"
When you have to bid farewell, but you know you're going back anyway.
So you ask yourself, what's the point anyway.
Pretty soon, you'll be packing your suitcase again.
It's like riding a roller coaster that never ever ends. You go on top and scream then you're there again and all you ever wanna do is puke.
It's too repetitive for your liking.
Dreamed that alumni of The Circle came in for training and they knew me.
I really really want to leave a legacy to this organization not because of ambition, but because it has been filled with so much awesomeness, I want to contribute my own.
The analogy we use in MTR during deliberations when we interview applicants is that "the Circle is a block of wood. So many names and achievements have been carved, but there is always a place for your name somewhere in there"
I can't wait to carve my own legacy and pass it on.
It's been a long time since I last took an exam that was made with excellent quality.
Today I took two brilliantly-crafted tests. Biochem and Physics lab. I'm not saying they're easy (they're not! Especially biochem, Physics was okay haha), but the questions asked really measured what students were supposed to learn.
Isn't that the point of tests anyway?
Most students never really understand the value of exams because for them, it's just a test of being able to memorize dates, ideas, and words off a book.
But the perfect kind of test measures understanding of principles behind concepts.
Someone once told me,
"The problem with me is that for me, friend are disposable. Like for example, the only reason why I'm asking for your advice right now is because you're the only one that's here"
No, I wasn't offended. What I felt was pity.
Because I think this friend is missing out A LOT in life.
This friend never felt that distinct joy you feel whenever you share jokes with your friends.
Or that sinking feeling whenever you have to say goodbye to them (even if you'll see them tomorrow!)
I'm so thankful I have friends.
I'm not the most patient person in the world, but at least I try to be patient when it matters.
Like when I'm about to enter into a fight with my friends, at least I have enough patience to shut my mouth and resist the temptation to answer back.
Or when I feel that my teacher is the epitome of USELESS, at least I have enough patience to not tell him/her to stop wasting my tuition fee.
Because it's not enough that what you're saying is right, you also have to know when and how to say it right.
Haven't completed an entry in a long while (to be exact, over a year)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm prioritizing the right things.
I told a friend once that I felt as if my school is robbing me of the education I deserve.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not really learning. Because the only reason why I am able to answer those tests is because I read on my own, but when you think about it, that's not really learning.
Because there was no appreciation of the things I'm reading about.
They're just blocks of words I have to memorize.
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