You growled? (Yes, I growled.) You snarled? (Yes, I snarled.) You bit? (Of course I bit. Of course.) You bit the man? (Forgive me.)
Audacious. There is no other word for it. Simply audacious.
My lords and ladies, here stands, with tail rightly twixt his legs, a self-avowed biter. Of the man! Of the man! Let that sink in, if you will. (But I—) Enough!
Oh, the defendant will proffer his "reasons." Yes: the "chain." The "con-di-tions." The poor quality of the man’s cuisine! An occasional whip; yes, how novel: that a dog should know suffering...
Shunned. Nipped from the pack. Out.
My head hung; my tail tucked. ("Sinner!") A hundred who’s a good boys ride me in a gantlet of slick snouts, bared canines, flattened ears, barrel chests. A hundred collared throats growl me for dead, for cat.
Here a pup runs out from from the line, rudely yaps my paws, pisses, and is barked back inside.
A dream, my first night twitching in the mossy, whining, new moon copse:
"The apartment? Oh, it's fine. Plenty of rug, ample couch. Warm by the stove, and there's food. But they took me to the vet, see..."
River-rounded graveyard of Pocumtuck and the Mohawks, ransomed English, hand-skilled Germans, tap-and-die men, our fathers and ourselves. Twenty-two square miles, and Franklin County’s seat.
Did you see? From where, Shelburne? From where, Northampton? Greenfield stood up, slapped its open space, scratched its infilled crusty hide—
The suck of it, the slop. We heard the church bells then, and groaning steel with kettled pipes and fading car alarms. Bounced out as an afterthought: 100 nail salons.
Next day’s papers disagreed: Call-Clarion: “Obama’s Fault?” The Valley Times: “A City in Transition.”
My tender brain. Working it too hard. Editing, rewriting, rethinking, looking things up, throwing things out, starting things over, where I can. And not just work, but (yawn) my life, that bigger thing I publish. What new ground can I break in that spent metaphor? None. But as I say, my brain hurts. One of those headaches forming behind my eyes, threatening to flower. Took a nap tonight. Hoped to lick it in the pillow, mulch it under, come back fresh by midnight. Plant a little something hundred-wordy: a fruiting tree, a vine. Something to feed me later.
John David Snyder (born Flip Wilson Snyder on February 20, 1968) is an American philosopher and computer typer. He holds the record for consecutive shoutings, from memory, the full text of Danny Dunn and the Homework Machine (1958), by Raymond Abrashkin and Jay Williams, complete with ISBN, Library of Congress and copyright information.
An avowed philanthropist , Snyder helped raise funds as a school-sponsored March of Dimes “Walkathon” walker at a 1982, netting the charity $30 in its fight against Lupus.
The subject of a popular 2007 profile on Animal Planet’s “Cautionary Tales” special, [Cont’d.]
—Snyder inspired the "Quit it, bears!" Internet meme.
Snyder was born in Olive Garden, New York. The 17th son of a prosperous subway flautist and his Arctic-explorer wife, Snyder was educated at Brooklyn's prestigious Waldbaum's supermarket on Flatbush Avenue, where he evinced early genius for produce. Afterward, he tutored under Leon Oysterstrasse, Mayor Ed Koch's chief speechwriter's valet, in nutmeg.
On his 19th birthday, Snyder was admitted to the court of King Rockford V. Snootertoot of Central Park, where he advised on matters of allergens, cosmology and paprika, a kind of allergen. [Cont’d.]
— War in Europe failed to occur, stymying Snyder's chances for advancement to the court at Leipzig, so he remained in Central Park, increasingly bitter, his health shattered by sneezing.
In 1988 Snyder began the first of his Lectures, holding forth on metaphysics and art from atop a pile of coats on the 102nd floor observation deck at the Empire State Building, craning his neck to address, exclusively, the many television and radio antennas bristling from the top of the structure.
In 1990, with the death of his father, Snyder inherited a large box of mustard packets, and [Cont’d.]
— parlayed this into the guest editorship, in July of that year, of Condiment! magazine, then under ownership of M. Mussels Royce. Snyder and Royce famously never saw eye to eye on editorial direction , particularly Snyder's decision to immediately shutter operations, and the magazine folded.
During the 1990s, Snyder contributed 77 pieces to Partisan Review, each of them essentially the same blistering critique of the Fish character in Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat,  whom he felt to be “...either a fascist stooge of Orwellian proportions, or else a hapless fish in a bowl.” [Cont’d.]
— From January 27 through June 1, 1991, protesting the New York Giants defeat of the Buffalo Bills in the NFL's Super Bowl XXV, Snyder restricts his diet to meals taken at a Midtown Sbarro’s.
On March 1, 1994, South Africa cedes Walvis Bay to Namibia. In protest, Snyder takes a cashier’s job at the United Nations gift shop, performs well , is offered a raise, then quits. Late night host Dennis Miller seizes on the imbroglio, calling Snyder “Walvis Bay’s answer to Xiao-Mei Zeng, M.D., but lose the OshKosh, Sunshine.”  [Cont’d.]
— From 1995 to 1999, Snyder undertakes "A Hound Named Blue," a country ballad he hoped would encapsulate his feelings about the May 1, 1995, election of Jacques Chirac to the French presidency. However, on a Denny’s comment card, Snyder finally laments "[The ballad] is too raw, too American, in terms Theodore Roosevelt would understand, to commit to the page, the voice, all that. Give me a railroad!"
On December 22, 1999, Snyder wakes from a dream that anticipates the Year 2000 computer problem, and resolves to learn COBOL to "see what I could do to help." [Cont’d.]
The coins? Portents of change, no pun intended. You're in a library, stand-in for a writer's mind; you and your dream self, she given to stroke the spines. T.R. is there: benign martial figure from the past, passionate orator, champion of the conservation of Lady Columbia’s woodlands, wetlands, wilds. T.R. accepts your gratitude but does not require it. Unfinished business? Bully, I say! The coins, again: sacrifices one makes to cast off. Everybody's got to pay the ferryman.
The floor, of course, represents Shaw Floors. Double the warranty of your new Shaw carpet with Shaw’s eco-friendly TripleTouch cushion.