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Hello, seventh month. Hello, second half of the year. This time a year ago I: recently quit my job, was excited for California, was going to Iloilo for the first time, was giddy because of all the uncertainty, and happy. This year, I'm: raring for another major change, still happy, sometimes sad (but mostly just giddy). I am tempted to recall what was happening this time of the year four years ago but the more I think about it the more it all blurs. And it's a good kind of blur. I love how 2013 is unfolding, how about you?
All you have to do is smile at me and all my worries melt. Or just stand there, sit, talk, hum something. My point is, just be. Maybe I'm not doing such a good job getting this across. I'll try again: Hey, handsome, the image I have of you in my head is enough to get through the day with. I think of you and I smile. In the train the other day I was trying so hard to suppress a silly smile. It was such a good feeling, having to suppress a smile, if you know what I mean.
Wednesday :) I'm loving Wednesdays now, too! It being the day before my third favorite day. Which follows that I love Saturday and Monday, too! I can't decide what day I like least, or if it's even an issue. I'm just kind of wary of Mondays now because work is not such an exciting thing for me these days. I'm just glad people there are nice so yay. Plans, I need plans and concrete actions. Also, start eating less or exercising more, whichever takes the least effort. I kid. While I am writing this all I can think about is cake.
Last leg of baby shower duties today! Reward: Jollibee 2-piece burger steak. Mama, Tita Tita and Tita Lis have been so thoughtful taking care of the other (more substantial) areas of the shower, so yay. Weekends are love. One reason to love Mondays is the anticipation of another weekend. Bright side 100x. July, please go slow. I kind of want to be a preschool teacher, just now the thought hit me that hey, kids actually like me sometimes and I like them most times, too. Haha. I need a job that pays enough and doesn't interfere with my sanity.
I can trace all my major anxieties to certain memories when I was in nursery school. Most of them has something to do with my constant worry of being left alone, having to do something on my own, not knowing what to do, being ignored and losing something that I thought was mine. Abandonment issues. It's unsettling that decades can pass by and yet the stuff that happened to us when we were so much younger can still affect us. Maybe our lives will be so much more fruitful if we strive to discover how we can overcome these wounds.
Oh hey, Saturday! I love you! It's going to be hell at work this month, I can feel it. And I can already see myself gorging on junk food at midnight, crying inwardly because of stress. I am exaggerating. I am psyching myself to become numb and reactionless and stone-cold. To not take anything personally and to have the courage to just walk away from something that is potentially poisonous. Also, psyching myself to get up earlier and actually do something worthwhile, like maybe find a more suitable job, run, get better at driving, cook breakfast, clean the house.
Bulacan and McDo weekend! Spent most of the day catching up on sleep for the sake of Monday. It was a lovely weekend. Spent time with friends and family and just laughed, and consumed loads of food. Haha. Must lose weight by December for a friend's wedding. I don't know why even if losing weight is on my list, the first thing I think about in the morning is cake. I have these things on my list that I haven't gotten around to doing for years now and my attention is easily swayed and oh...Before Midnight shows on Wednesday!
I got off the train the other day and decided that I want to find you already. Whoever you are. I think I want to have kids, a boy and a girl. Let's build a house. I'll cook for you and I'll be happy looking forward to cuddle time in bed watching a scary movie or just smelling the kids' necks, talking about where we can go for the weekend. Maybe the little boy will want to bike and the little girl will want pancakes slathered with butter. You and I will sleep holding hands, with smiles on our faces.
I used to spell hello as 'hellow'. When we were young and Papa was working abroad, we used to send each other voice tapes, letters, photographs. Everytime Byron sees an airplane he calls out for Papa because he thought that each airplane he sees has Papa in it. When I was younger I was very shy because I had blackened teeth, I was very thin, I couldn't finish a hamburger, I didn't like pickles. Hey, you, I want to hear you tell me stories of when you were younger. Truth be told: I just really want to hear your voice.
You know how you want so much to touch a person yet you can't because it will be inappropriate or maybe it will be misconstrued or maybe you are just plain nervous about it so you just decide against doing it but still it's all you can think about while you're near that person that all you can do to be able to stop thinking about wanting to touch him is concentrate on his smell, his smell... and then that sends you spinning, too, and it's sensory overload so you can't concentrate and it feels like your heart will explode.
Thursday!:) Woke up quite early so yay, had some frustrations early in the day, too, but it's all good now. As I'm writing this I know now that Kuya is leaving for Guam in a week. There are 187 various emotions in me that I can't make out which one I should focus on. It's all going to be okay, distance is nothing for people who know each other's hearts. This particular Thursday is poignant. I will not forget this day for so many reasons, the biggest of them being: Being brave has its rewards, also, people do show up.
I can see you from afar, even with maybe 200 other people walking with you I will be able to know which one you are. You have this walk, this posture, this way about you that feels like a whole separate entity that I keep falling in love with each day. I love your voice, your smell, I like knowing you're beside me, I like looking at you. There is a house on a hill, I am inside looking out through a small window at 500 people walking towards me. I see you and only you, and my heart smiles.
Tito Oye's 45th birthday celebration today! Dinner at Sucat was nice. Next Saturday Kuya is off to Guam and there is a lot of things going on and not going on at the same time. It's almost 2014 or it's almost Christmas or my birthday? I don't know what to think about first. All that seems to be enticing to do is sleep, because there everything is unreal, especially sadness. I'm digressing. What I wanted to highlight about this particular Saturday is: Everything's going to be alright. Oh hurray for today. That McDonald's ad says this, wouldn't hurt to believe.
It's been more than a year since you gave me that look and it's taking me until now trying to understand what it meant. I read something about a woman whose smile makes people lean back a bit because her smile is so radiant and full of implications that it's so hard to ascertain how much is being offered. I saw Before Midnight today and I was smiling almost the whole time. So, um, that look you gave me, I am too scared to know the probable truth that what it was is just a look, nothing more, maybe less.
There is a lot of answers in your non-answers and I will admit that I have known this to be true a long time ago: The answer is no. I keep trying to look for the perfect time to ask you, just ask you, so that I can finally get the answer I need, so that there will be clarity at last. They say, it's not your fault when someone lies to you, it's an issue they have with themselves. It doesn't have to mean they respect you less. It doesn't have to mean anything at all. Okay, okay.
You know that precarious feeling when, after you've slept off a fever for hours upon hours, you wake up
but you know there's a possibility that any time you will feel feverish again? Someone once told me not to nurture a fever, that if you're down with it you should teach it to adjust with you, push yourself to get up and not be all whiny in bed. It works sometimes but right now all I really want to do is be all whiny in bed. On second thought, though, the hours are long but short, too.
The first reflex of course is be bitter. It's the bravest reaction, some might think, to a perceived betrayal. Unrequited love, rejection, lies. Whatever it is, the first, most comfortable place to be in is bitterness. It makes you feel strong and superior. Superior to whom? The easiest things are those we make ourselves believe are the hardest: Forgiveness, compassion, understanding, not taking it personally, moving on. Because we go out of our way to make ourselves miserable, when it is so much easier to shrug it off and just smile. I sound like an expert, so maybe I am.
Thursday! Lunch with the boys at this nifty deli near home. Pizza and pasta + wine + gelato with amaretto (which knocked us off for a couple of hours) + bread + spreads + lots of cheese + deli meat (one of which tasted like rose petals or perfume -- Kuya asked me "You eat flowers?) + salmon soup + the best orange juice on Earth. Gah, that lunch was sinful. It's 6:27 pm now and we are counting down the house before Kuya takes off to Guam. For now, there's food to be cooked and a send-off party to prepare for. This particular Thursday is happysad.
Send-off dinner for Kuya! Family and friends came full force and food was aplenty (and damn good, props to the chef: Papa). Aunts brought reinforcement foodum and this house was happy as happy can be. I was kind of looking forward to making Kuya cry hehe, with joy of course, because he is so honest with his emotions even the sight of him crying is so beautiful in such a strange and comforting way. But he was in good spirits all night, which was good because we all parted ways like we would see each other again next week.
"Counting down the house" two entries back should be "counting down the hours." Ah...there is just too much parting and airport trips in this family. We should be used to it by now but this time it's Kuya who's leaving and there is too much that we don't know how to do without him. This isn't in a clingy, needy sense .. What I mean is, we got so used to having him around all the time that we wouldn't know how to move around each other now that he's not here. We are given so much time and yet...
The first day is either the hardest or the easiest. So yesterday Kuya left and a certain hush enveloped the house and we all just couldn't move like normal people. But I think there was a pervading sense of "This, too, shall pass." Everything's going to be okay, we just have to get used to it, every thing becomes familiar eventually. This newness is a bit difficult to deal with but isn't everything? I'm generalizing again and skirting the issue that this is Kuya we're talking about. Had a quick chat with him and Anne after touchdown, they're together now :)
It's Monday. It starts now. That switch I've been meaning to turn off. It will stop a lot of things and will hopefully start good ones. I am looking forward to a time in the future when we will see each other again and we will feel nothing or something, smile and keep walking -- knowing that the time for us to have done something has already passed and there is nothing we can do to go back there. I keep wishing for Christmas. Or any excuse to feel happy, or pretend to be happy, or pretend to be okay, somehow.
Find someone who will make sure you're home safe. Find someone who will respect your family. Find someone who will still try to make you laugh even if you already said, no, you are not in the mood. Find someone who will know when to stop bugging you, find someone who will try again the next day. Find someone who will be really happy when you finally smile. Most importantly, find that someone who will let you be sad, understand your sadness, and not resent you for it, who will know it's not about him or you, it just is.
It's not your fault that someone loves you, it's not your fault that you can't love that someone back. Love is not about finding fault, or resenting a person because you can't get what you want. Love isn't even about getting what you want. If you start looking at it as something where you can benefit from and if you start feeling bad "because you love" someone, maybe you have to rethink what you really feel. Because love is about giving and being happy for the person, no matter what. We take these words for granted: "No matter what." Don't.
Oh hey, Thursday! It's a battle between good and bad vibes and most times the bad stuff wins but it's the constant effort to turn it around that somehow makes the difference. I feel that all I want to do is whine about work and how I miss my mother and brother and it's true, I actually let myself wallow in those heavy not-so-good matters and I know my friends are being patient so thanks, but I also know I have to put up a positive disposition and maintain it. It wouldn't hurt to focus on the good.
On the train amid people whose seeming sole purpose in life is to get ahead of everyone, I decided to stay back, slowdown and observe. I got to thinking what my sole purpose in life is and found out it's still this: To be grateful and hopeful no matter what. This is cliche but... Everything falls into place when gratitude and hope is practiced. Focus on what you have, love the people around you and be positive. Be a signpost of love. I've just been complaining to Stephen about work and decided--this is the last time I'll do this.
It was alternately sunny and rainy today. Realization: I have wasted so much time being fearful. I keep deciding, new day, new start, but there is resistance or maybe just plain laziness, or maybe fear is doing such a good job. My sister-in-law gave birth to Brysen today and I spent the first half of the day looking at his picture, tearing up. You are so beautiful, baby boy, and I hope someday you will understand what your arrival means to everyone who loves you. You were born on a Saturday, baby boy, and you make us brave.
At lunch today Papa found a wishbone, we broke it between the two of us and I got the preferred part. I wished for you. Every time the clock says 11:11, I wish for you. I say your name in my head and wish I can hug you someday. I also wish that even if it wouldn't come true in this lifetime, that I can look back at this time of my life when you were the apple of my eye, and decide that it has been one of the most exhilarating, beautiful, unforgettable pockets of time I've experienced.
Monday you are so fine. Happy and positive thoughts! August is going to be great! There is just too much anxiety and uncertainty in my realm right now that, uhhh, I must stop being negative. Here, let me tell you about a happy memory. Tiki and I are in Camp John Hay and the fog is so thick we feel like we are walking through clouds. There is photographic evidence of this somewhere. That day we took photographs of flowers and ate at the food bazaar. It rained, and a kind man gave us a ride back to the city.
Hey, Tuesday. There is heavenly bulalo downstairs and it's taking all my self-control not to eat because it feels like everything I ate since Friday is still in my throat. I know, I know, so gross. But you know how you always feel like throwing up? Yeah, so it's been bugging me for days now, maybe it's the coughing, too. But so yeah, all I can think about right now is the bulalo. Also, cake. There is a surge of positive vibes in my blood right now. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time staring at Brysen's photographs.
If you were in front of me this is what I’d tell you: “I want to be with you” But you’re not in front of me and I’m a coward. It’s August in a few hours. I’ve always associated this month with a lion. I don’t know why. So in the interest of association, let me go on with bravery, because – lion. The universe is egging me to jump off a cliff into ice-cold waters, swim to safety and shout “I made it to shore!” And want to do it all over again.
The Tip Jar