REPORT A PROBLEM
First day of the New Year! 2021! The one where everything hopefully turns and gets better again!
I was in a pretty good mood about this new beginning yesterday - and I am again, but honestly a critical blog comment messed up my mood quite a bit yesterday, and it stayed with me this morning.
If you happen to read this man: come on now, try to see the world a bit more positive! We're all trudging through this muck, but there's no time to get stuck, or at least not to TRY to get up!
I've written away the day but I'm confident again. I'm going all out if naught else to prove aforementioned commentator wrong. It's not all shit. Life is what we make of it.
And I am SET on making the best of mine.
This year. It's time.
Sooo those unfortunate comment woes faded.
I interacted with some more positive people. Started looking onward again. Old buddy slightly more positive too. It made me wonder though. Why do I still surround myself with certain people that I know are detrimental to me? But are they really? How can you just distance yourself from family and old friends, even if they do have a notably negative impact on your mental health and state of being?
Tough. Life choices. Who you interact with.
I still feel like I'd best appreciate any connection I have, bad or no, it's a connection. I take none for granted.
But I wish I didn't. Wish I lived a bit more spontaneous and free; just went wherever optimism reigns; my dreams carry.
Maybe in a next life.
Didn't sleep a blink yesterday. Well maybe a blink. Barely.
Something with my stomach. Almost feverish sometimes. Corona thoughts come running to mind, but as it calms down when you sip on some Fennel tea - as you realize you don't have the runs at all, you're just bloated - as the night wanes away and you can't sleep but still have no need to panic: it seems like maybe you just ate something unsuitable after all.
But did I mention I barely slept a blink?
Today's been one tiresome day... tomorrow, hopefully better.
But tomorrow: work starts again. No rest for the wicked.
Was looking forward to this one last day...
May the fourth be with y'all!
I slept better today. Still woke up too early, but took a powernap after lunch and kept going, and it's all going pretty well. I'm getting stuff done. I'm really managing more now than I thought I would - and more than yesterday - though not YET all that I wanted to do yesterday in particular.
Cause today's a work day, and I've been at work hey, but it really is also so that: when you're forced to shoulder stuff, that's when you really have to commit to it, and get things done.
Thought I'd be a bit more depressed that vacation was over but... it's not so bad to be back after all.
Tired tired tired...
I stay up too late and get up too late.
But stay up too late because I'm tired, because I stay up too late.
And get up too late not only because I stay up too late, but also because I'm just overall tired, and stressed, and when you're tired you get even more stressed, so it's all the more difficult to fall asleep even if I don't stay up too late.
It's a vicious cycle.
To feel good you need to sleep good, but to sleep good: you'd better sort things out in your life first.
Went out and played some Frisbee golf again, and this time with SNOW!
First time touring the course with such distraction. It was a bit cold, and a bit slippery/icy in certain places, but overall awesome. Such a great experience.
Felt like I really needed the break too.
Been too wound up. Relaxed a bit. Went out and had a ball. Threw those discs. Lost by three points but my opponent set a personal record and I didn't do all that bad myself!
We're getting pretty good at this. It might not look it but: pretty good after all.
By 'opponent' I mean cousin David, btw. JSYK. Totally irrelevant now but anyway. Just saying. Just so you know yo.
As for today it seems I just picked right up where I left off though. Stress again. Mild depression. I overslept, my boss had sent me a message asking me to give a shout when I get online, and the day just didn't start under the most ideal circumstances.
Meanwhile he's starting every day with a cold shower, breathing exercises and a thirty minute meditation session! Admirable.
Still have a long way to go but I shall get there too.
Up at the right time today. In bed at the wrong one - but better time yesterday. Shaved, wrote a bundle, had a decent workday and good meals, but the depression sticks.
It feels like emotions from one day often carry over at least to the next one, and occasionally they get further enforced.
Such was the case today. Yesterday carried over. Today wasn't perfect either, and it seems possible it just might carry over again.
But: booked a one-hour drive with a buddy tomorrow to try some mead at Odinsborg, among other things. Oldest mead recipe in the world! I'm not as hyped about the mead as I am about just hanging out though; lifting my spirits a bit.
Depressed today but: looking forward.
The mead was okay! The drive was adventurous - thick mist rolled in over the road sometimes and it could not be pierced or vanquished by light or speed - but we followed the trails of another car a large part of the distance and it went alright.
The drive there wasn't that intense, but back. Woah.
And the restaurant was totally empty, apart from us, so no corona paranoia.
Had a wood-carrying work-out before that too, and grilled some stuff. Gave some belated Christmas gifts. Had a fun run, overall! Just tired now, not depressed. I think.
Twas a good day today.
Had a wonderful, snowy day today.
Took a long walk. Shoveled a lot. Took another walk. Replaced a light on my car - just in time for the inspection that's coming up next week, and although my sister unfortunately couldn't make our cozy Christmas session of Afternoon Tea (she felt sluggish - potentially sick - hope it's not 'that') we did alright.
Had some calm moments but accomplished good things overall. I even put up a few somewhat defective items (read: computers) on online auction. Let's see how that goes! I don't want to throw things away. Maybe they still have certain value.
And there. Reached a hundred. It's been a
Working away, listening to the Conan O' Brian Needs A Friend podcast, sipping some green tea with lemon and ginger, watching the snow slowly single down outside... and suddenly life doesn't seem so bad after all. :)
Maybe all I was missing was snow? Maybe yesterday's shoveling exercise released some very necessary endorphins and other hormones within me that resulted in this somewhat unexpectedly good mood today?
Maybe the weekend trip really boosted my spirits?
For some time I've just been feeling tired, stressed, overworked and not where I want to be but... moments like this it's not so bad.
Grind on. Appreciate the moment. Invest your spare moments in things you believe in and eventually you WILL be where you want to be.
Back on track!
I was going to just write that in English and then type up the rest in Swedish here. Back at work today. Office. Drove in despite weather warnings and icy roads - a few traffic accidents stocked up traffic during the morning, so I drove in late, but we had a meeting, resumed work, kept going at increasing pace.
It's days like this that I realize you really need a certain level of personal interaction to get into the groove a bit. To feel like you're making a difference. It's a long drive in though...
Pros and cons.
But 'rona times we go beyond.
The thirteenth... I guess I did run short on luck today. Somewhat. Went to play some Frisbee golf but didn't win! Alas. Close though. The snow and icy holds made it difficult to throw yo. My cousin David drank a bottle of a drink similar to Froyo and so we go home, and have a good night, and speak to other peeps on the phone zone.
I tried to write down a song when I was about to fall asleep but ran out of inspiration then. Always shocks me. I wonder if I'm done for. Is this it? Are my artistic days over? Have I lost the ability to express myself?!
But I think I just need to be a bit more in the zone.
Car checkup today. 'Besiktning', as we say. Not sure what that translates to.
Two brake pipes are rusted. Need replacing.
The engine's leaking oil somewhere. Not sure where.
One of the lower fog lights is too bright or badly angled.
The right leadlamp's broken. Though I just replaced it.
First point is maybe the big one. May be costly. I knew they were rusted but I was hoping they wouldn't be to the point they had to be replaced, but alas, they did have to be!
On the plus the oil's rusty too so I'll be getting that switched out at the same time.
Costs though. Hmm. Not gonna be fun.
That brake pipe replacement work may be a bit cheaper than I expected it to be! I'm hopeful. Got a few offers and I shall be very probably choosing one of 'em tonight.
Around 3,300 SEK for both pipe repair and troubleshooting the oil leak. The lights I think I'll manage myself. The fog light however might not be as easy as I hoped - might need to go somewhere else to fix that. You need to unscrew the floor below the engine to reach the lamp.
They do say old cars aren't cheap, and you know what?
Still cheaper than buying a new one.
Gotta stop partaking in things that may potentially sway my mood a bad way at the end of the day.
Today, again. I watched a few Hot Ones episodes (was hoping to be more efficient but a blasting headache's getting in the way of that), and just before shutting things down and going to bed I check in on NG - the one social community I frequent - and run into a carelessly phrased comment by someone I used to feel was a comrade. Not to much these days...
Whatever happened? What's he going through lately? But most of all: why do I even read this stuff right before bed.
Last time I do so today.
Seems like I'm getting riled up by little things lately... things that shouldn't phase me really. but they do. The smallest things.
Things people say. Things people write. The way people react. The way I'm trying to be positive and people are shitting all over my optimism. Well I guess you don't really get the impression I'm an all that optimistic person if you're reading my writings here... but that's because I go here to vent. In particular. Yes I may be hypocritical...
And these days it seems you need to be hyper just to live and all but: I just want to relax. Calm down. Step back.
Cut my nails. Shaving tonight. Showering tonight. Start the day with no bite. Just a cup of coffee. Stomach in turmoil. Eat a banana. Headache get off me.
Lately I feel worn down, and supplements get costly.
I mosey around. I'm stuffed up and I'm saucy.
I see what I want to see but not what you taught me. True meanings. I see things. I'm screaming. I'm gnarly. I'm a star, in my sky, just like Farley.
And you. You all just barbaric. And I don't mean like Starbarians, I mean like sharks in an aquarium. Eating all the plants and stuff.
This world's a war. Tanks are us.
We had winter for a while! Alas, it was a short-lived thing, but not as short-lived as it usually is.
Most years we maybe just get the occasional day here, so that the snow's actually strayed and stayed for around two weeks on is really pretty impressive.
Had a snowy day right after Christmas too. Felt seasonal. Felt suitable. Felt just right.
And then come the New Year we got snow again!
And then we got snow again! In mounds now. So much we actually had to shovel it a bit. So much it actually felt like winter.
Last couple days now. Then it starts melting again.
I need to find my motivation again.
I stray lately.
Not sure why.
I spend my afternoons/nights going through SNL episodes on YouTube. Or music videos. Sometimes arranging posts with them. Doing monotone things that don't really feel that important, but don't require much processing power when it comes to the mind. Mindless things that I can just do without thinking too much about it all. It's appreciative but also just a little unnecessary. Often.
I ramble now. I'm not getting to the source of my problem, I believe I seek distractions because: I have other problems. Worries. Things I need to get a grip on to move onward and not feel a need to distract myself with these more superficial tasks.
That is all.
My mom's forgetful to the point it's becoming concerning.
Was talking about tofu lasagna the other day. We had it recently. She didn't remember. I tried to refresh her memory, talking about the gluten-free lasagna platers we used that just didn't get soft enough, or how we switched out the regular soy sauce for tamari, but it didn't jog her mind at all. Didn't seem like she even tried to recall it, though. "I don't remember" she said. Right away. I need to find the day in my diary and try with a full recollection of that one day..
It's not the only thing lately. OK if you forget things temporarily, if you misplace things or get a bit distracted, but memory loss to such extent...?
It's a little distressing.
Look here! Look now. Read this. See this.
I woke up with a bit of a headache today, and it's been building/getting worse, but I wrote a bundle of haikus for starters, responded to stuff, took a walk, had a short work-out, made some simple but good lunch (konjac diet noodles - lots of fiber no calories - fried with mushrooms, onions, a little Sicilian lemon, tamari, spices, butter, olive oil and honey/mustard sauce + creamy pesto and a crisply fried egg) and finished a little sprite request I've had on the backlog for a month!
I'm about to do some more after this too. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I'm going through podcasts and accomplishing leftover dues left and right at the same time; not batting an eye about it, headache or no. Wish every day was like this. And it leads me to this conclusion:
If I actually did what I felt was important each day when I wake up, then I would probably feel pretty good about myself. No matter where I am in life otherwise.
The twenty-second was such a perfect day! I got so much done. Well maybe not more than normal but at least the one thing that I really WANTED to get done, and for a moment I could bask in the victory (twas one month overdue) and do additional things without feeling all that excess pressure... but today didn't go all as well.
I spent time with a buddy with high blood pressure. No walk. We sat around and talked a bit. We ate. We had a good time. I sat in a massage chair a while till my back was sore.
Overall though... didn't get much done.
And little exercise.
Feels like a little let-down.
I'm auctioning off some stuff today.
A Wacom tablet that doesn't work perfectly, an HDD with errors, a couple computers of which one doesn't start and one doesn't load all the way, a little USB switch and a few games/manga books.
It's nothing that'll make me rich, but it's something.
Living in a small and enclosed space it feels like you need to clear some out sometimes, and auctions are (sometimes) the ideal way to do so in regard to potential gain.
I don't know about this time though. People seem to be holding onto their money a bit but... anything's something.
Those car issues seem to be sorting themselves out! It's in for repairs now, and it seems like all three issues might get fixed there. We also got snow. I played a good round of Frisbee golf with cousin David. Dad a good dinner. Sent off a few packages and made a little extra dough.
Managed to be somewhat efficient during my rare four free weekend and tomorrow it's back to work again...
I'm a little tired, but it should be alright shouldn't it? As long as I don't stay up all night again. Didn't sleep ideally the last one.
But it's been a good day!
Here's hoping tomorrow will be too, and the night be two.
Got my car back from the workshop today, and it's working! :)
It did before too though. Hopefully all's really good now. I'm about to book in a new inspection and get it checked once again, and hopefully this time it's all alright...
I managed to fix a headlight myself but they replaced both brake pipes, changed the oil/filter and unplugged both fog lights.
No risk that'd short a circuit I hope? If it rains or something? Do such things happen? Hopefully not.
Either way though it's running fine now, and it looks good. I'm happy. Time to book that inspection...
Alright alright alright! New day. New plights. New strife. New car inspection this morning, but without warning, it went alright! And the plug is kinda lose on the light, but don't be obtuse, don't use your excuse just to fight! Either you get some new screws or you make. Do with what you have do. Like a spool of tape.
Really though. I'm super happy. Car repairs are done. Inspection's done. Car's running fine. It's one full year till the next check-up, a few months left before taxes, I didn't have to spend all too much on repairs and in just a while it'll hopefully be sold and gone, and I'll be driving something that sucks just a little less fuel.
It's a fun car but: can't get too personally attached now.
Feeling tired lately. Wishing I could rise higher lately. Wishing that I could perspire crazy - flush out all the toxins and make my life amazing.
Wishing I could break through. Wishing I could make due. Blissful times they make June. Wish the way ahead loomed. Wish that it was way soon...
And where am i going now?
How do I plan to spend the next lifetime. I'm not in my place. But I'm not sure if I'm just not happy with where I am or if I'm just not happy with myself, and how do I come to terms with either without the other...
Find myself making pretty stupid typos lately. Like two instead of too. Like... well maybe that's the only one.
But it's strange, because it feels like one of few I just shouldn't be able to mix together, and yet I do... why is that? Is it because I see fuzzy? Does the implication of spelling diminish when you hear the pronunciation of the words better than you see the presentation thereof? Or am I slowly but surely becoming dyslexic?
Doesn't seem probable, but I do find myself making more typos than I think I did back in the day... is it because I see fuzzy, again (I think about that bit a lot)? Is it because I'm just tired? Is it because I stopped paying attention since spellcheck works so well now...?
Maybe a bit of a bit of a bit of.
It's a new day!
I feel good today too. Got an answer I'd been waiting for, got a few I wasn't expecting - good or bad, just posted my haiku, am about to post this, went through my morning rituals and am just about to head off by car to visit good buddy Bear over in Jakosberg
We're gonna have a dandy time y'all! Take a walk. Watch a movie. All the good stuff.
May peace and prosperity soon reign in the world and things keep getting better, cause I do believe people are inherently good - even the Rothchilds - and I'm probably still pretty naive.
Have a good day y'all.
Feel like I'm in the groove today.
I'm not always, and I wasn't sure I would be when I woke up today. Slept late. Clarification: woke up too early and then slept later than I would have.
Skipped breakfast. But took a long walk right away and the wintery sights coupled with a little early spring sunshine... it got me back on the right path again! Had a good lunch. Sat down to get stuff done and been doing so at a decent pace without feeling stressed about it since.
This is how Sundays should be! A long outing and then dues done with no pressure. Or no dues at all. Depending on how tired and/or stressed you feel.
I thought I was pretty much of both just a while ago but maybe I'm not after all. Or maybe things just feel easier when you're doing something. Take your mind off work with: work.
It's something to work with.
The Tip Jar